What Can I Do When Engagement Brings Unexpected Relationship Problems?

Dear eNotAlone: My girlfriend and I have been together for four years. We love each other very deeply, and we have taken a lot of steps in planning for a future together. When our anniversary came around this year, we decided to take things up a notch- getting engaged, how romantic! But now that we've had some time to let the joy from the engagement subside, cracks are starting to appear. We can't seem to agree on anything anymore. We get into even the smallest arguments and it's a long, slow process to come to a resolution. It feels like everyday something new comes up, and ready to fight. We're both emotionally exhausted. What can I do to try to get us back on track?

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Advice: Congratulations on your recent engagement! Taking this next step in your relationship is exciting and one of the most romantic things couples can do for one another. However, you mentioned that recently you and your significant other have been having a lot of arguments - a lot of emotional exhaustion - which doesn't sound nearly as romantic. It sounds like this may have been unexpected, so don't worry! There are plenty of things you can do to get back on track.

First of all, let's talk about preventing disputes to begin with. A great way to address any disagreement before it escalates into a full-blown argument is to start conversations early, calmly, and often. Oftentimes, when couples wait too long to talk, they can begin to grow frustrated and impatient, resulting in an unwilling and unproductive conversation. Allowing enough time for each of you to express your feelings without interruption can create a more safe, trusting environment where difficult conversations can actually be productive.

Another way to prevent disputes before they start is to remember the ‘three C's of communication': clarity, consideration,and courtesy. Agree before talking about a difficult topic that you each will speak calmly and respectfully; that each of you will listen to each other without interrupting; and that each of you will express your feelings as clearly as possible. Discussing issues with clear, concise language can help reduce misunderstandings and, misunderstandings are often the root of many arguments.

Even if you and your partner don't agree on something, it's important to recognize his or her point of view - at least to the extent that you recognize the feeling or thought behind what's being expressed. This boils down to being empathetic. Try to step outside of your own experiences and have empathy for your partner. This could mean trying to see things from their perspective, or at least not dismissing their feelings. A shared moment of agreement between you and your partner, even if it's just understanding their feelings and agreeing to disagree, can be very healing and even bring you closer together.

It's important to remember patience and understanding. Arguments and disagreements are typically a two-way street, and you likely both need to learn a little something and compromise to reach a resolution. In other words, you should both strive for a win-win solution. With that in mind, having patience with each other's standpoint is important, and recognizing that it may take time to come to a peaceful outcome.

Once a dispute has ended, it's also a good idea to talk about what happened and evaluate your behavior, as well as your partner's. Continuing to examine what happened together can help foster greater understanding and deepen your bond. Don't forget that even when it seems like nothing is going right, your relationship is built on a strong foundation of love, trust and mutual understanding, and that can still be celebrated when hard times hit.

Heading into marriage can feel daunting, especially when disputes start piling up. Understand that taking breaks to think or even just to cool off can be beneficial to the entire process. Set aside time specifically for talking and spend positive energy together, doing things that make you both happy. Remember, it's the two of you against the world, and if you're both willing to understand one another and communicate effectively, you can work through these disagreements.