How Can I Break Free From a Cycle of Fighting and Making Up?

Dear eNotAlone: I've been struggling with a relationship for the past year, and it's really starting to weigh on me. I feel like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of fighting, making up and then starting all over again. Even when we're not arguing, I'm constantly expecting something to go wrong, so it's hard to enjoy the time together. I'm starting to doubt whether this is ever going to get better, and it's leaving me feeling helpless and unsure of what to do next. Is there any way to break this cycle and move on with my life?

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If you are feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of fighting and making up, there is hope that you can break free from it. It doesn't have to define your relationship or your current emotional experience. With hard work and dedication to both yourself and your partner, you can learn healthier ways of communicating, interacting, and building a positive and productive environment for your relationship.

First and foremost, it is important to take some time to look inward and reflect on your own feelings and behaviors with respect to your partner. In order to break the cycle, the most important step is evaluating how you are currently responding to conflict in the relationship. Perhaps you are in the habit of harshly reacting to disagreements before truly trying to understand the situation. Maybe you tend to shut down rather than assert your perspective. It could be that you expect too much from your partner and put undo pressure on them to always make things work out. Taking stock of your own contribution to the cycle is essential to ensuring any progress made within the relationship is lasting.

Engaging in communication around these topics can also be beneficial. Communication is key in any relationship, but especially when the relationship is having difficulties. You can approach your partner about the issues you see in the relationship, as long as you remain calm and non-confrontational. Remember that any conversation should focus on the process of working together toward a solution. Making "you" statements rather than "we" statements is likely to create further tension as these come across as more accusatory. Instead, try exploring the problem by expressing how you are feeling and open the floor to your partner in order to hear their feelings as well. Ask your partner questions and listen to their responses in order to help foster a deeper understanding of the situation.

In addition, it is important to review your expectations of one another. Determine what aspects of the relationship may have lead to the current difficulties and discuss them openly. It could be that one or both parties are holding on to unrealistic expectations. Are each of your roles clear? Are expectations set that are feasible for both people to meet? Some expectations even if unreasonable can be met with compromise and adjustments.

It may be beneficial to visit a therapist. Depending on each person's willingness and financial situation, couples counseling may be a good option. Gaining an outside perspective on the situation and learning tools and techniques to effectively deal with arguments in a healthy manner can help immensely. Even if attending appointments together is not feasible, individual meetings are still highly encouraged. A neutral space can offer the opportunity for people to explore conflicts without falling into habitual reactions.

Breaking the cycle of fighting and making up can take a lot of time and effort, but it is possible. Keep in mind that the underlying issue is likely to stem from deeper anxieties, insecurities, and difficult circumstances. Be gentle with yourself and your partner in implementing new habits and allow yourself to practice self-care. The most important step is to communicate your feelings, needs, and expectations clearly and with respect. With mutual understanding, commitment, and a bit of guidance, you can gradually work your way out of this cycle.