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Moving in with boyfriend, hit a sticky patch


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Boyfriend and I moved in to my house together. He also had a house but we decided to move in to mine, joint decision. Houses are 30 mins drive apart.
We had different interpretations of moving in but he moved most of his stuff into mine and lived with me full time. He didn't want to sell his house and has decided he wants to rent it out. We had a couple of months at the start where we were finding our feet living together and seeing if it worked.

Now he has to get the house ready to rent.
He is going to use a storage facility to store his big items such as beds/sofas/fridge etc as he doesn't want to get rid if them. They are all relatively new and he paid a lot of money for them. They won't fit in my house.

He is still in the process of sorting out the last of the stuff at his house to go into storage, bring to mine or get rid of. This should have been done at the start when we first moved in but we didn't plan it well and it wasn't really communicated. Like i said his idea of moving in was living together in the same house full time, not moving every item he owns out if his place. He has a other at home still that he doesn't need day to day but wants to keep. Eg. Games, ornaments, pictures, souvenirs, tools, kitchen gadgets etc.
He now has to do this so that the house can be rented. He works odd hours but has plenty of time to do this. He had 2 days off last week, he sorted the house one day and the second day he wanted to chill so spent time at the gym, watching tv etc. Today is also his day off, I asked if he was going to the house to pack it up again. He only has a few rooms left to sort before he can hire a van and get it all in storage. He said no it was his day off and he wanted to chill out. He doesn't want to be doing all that on his day off.
This makes me feel like he's just dragging his heels and is reluctant to finalise getting the house clear. I've told him how I feel, its taken 6 months and we are still not at the point where it is all sorted. I've told him it makes me feel like he's not committed and all my friends are telling me the same. I know it's not fun but he should be wanting to get it done so we can move on, progress our relationship and future together, make money off the rent (him not me)  and just have it gone. It's causing a lot of overthinking and worry on my part and in turn a lot of arguments. Without this issue our relationship is brilliant, I just worry he's not committed when he is not showing enthusiasm or effort to get this job done. I worry he's clinging on to the stuff and house so that he can back out at any minute and still have everything in place. I've told him how I feel but still won't be proactive at sorting it or moving it forward. He keeps saying he is doing it which is technically true but at a snails pace. I makes me feel like we're not a partnership, it's his house and my house separate. I want him to see my house as our house, although I will always own it in my name.
I don't know what to do really, how do I get over his house being an issue, how do I stop thinking he's not committed.

Please no comments about the insurance or anything else. We check on the house regularly but he's aware of all that and not my problem.

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I am sorry but it sounds more like lazyness that anything else. Which is a negative property to have, but it doesnt mean he is not commited. Just somebody not hard working who would rather relax than do hard work. 

He did commit to living with you so that not necessarily means he isnt commited. But if its an issue for you, than better try to say him that and that he should do something about it. Also, have you offered help? Perhaps he just doesnt want to do it alone?

Also, also, how are things otherwise? Moving in requires adjustments. Have you two adjusted to each other or do you have other problems at home?

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I think you see sharing living space as progression in the emotional relationship/closeness.  Does he? Or is it mostly so he can make $ renting out his house? You're kind of all over the place -it's "your house" but you want him to feel like he's living with you -maybe he's sensing that from your end. He's a guest.  Will he pay you rent especially because this is a financial windfall for him? 

What kind of partnership do you want? Do  you want marriage? Kids? Are you going to put him on the title to your home? 

I never lived with my husband or with anyone really with the exception that the first time we were engaged we rented an apartment together right before the wedding and I moved out when we cancelled the wedding.  Years later the second time we moved in together after the wedding in the apartment I rented and it was shared with our newborn son who came along a few months after the wedding.  I would have learned almost nothing about officially living with him before our baby was born because living with a newborn in a 550 square foot apartment has almost nothing in common with two adults sharing an apartment.  IMO.  

Your thinking he is moving at a snails pace is your opinion -for all you know maybe this is fast for him -maybe he is fine with renting it out in a year from now or 6 months from now -not "yesterday" as  you wish.  Because -it is his home. He gets to decide what to do with his home.  You keep calling your living space "your" house.  How would you react if he told you he wanted you to rent out one of the bedrooms or to hire a cleaning service twice as often as you do now -hypothetically.  

To me progress and future plans have little to do with sharing living space now.  And perhaps you two need to reevaluate what sharing living space means to each of you- particularly since only one of you will benefit financially.

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Why didn't he just rent the house as "furnished", and charge more money. He will get better tenants that way. Or set it up as an air B&B and make even more money. Then he wouldn't have to move anything or pay for storing his stuff or add cost of moving everything.

If in the event of the relationship falling apart, the transition will be easier to boot him out of your house. 

What you need to do?...communicate honestly with him. If you are seeking a lifetime with this man, you better start now. 

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44 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why didn't he just rent the house as "furnished", and charge more money. He will get better tenants that way. Or set it up as an air B&B and make even more money. Then he wouldn't have to move anything or pay for storing his stuff or add cost of moving everything.

Exactly. Each month's expenses for storage would eat the value of the stuff down to zero--or negative. This would cost him far more than possible damages from tenants over the course of a year. He could, instead, build those costs into a higher rent and spare himself time, effort and money.

OP, your emotional issues with how this man handles his own property and finances are causing the very relationship problems you fear. Who wants to commit to staying with someone who makes them feel lousy all the time?

If you want to measure this man's investment in you according to how quickly he manages his own private belongings, then that's on you. I'd rather take that out on a therapist and find better ways to manage my SELF than pressure the BF until he cries 'Uncle' and moves out, where he may have otherwise had no intention of doing so before.

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17 hours ago, ljhm2024 said:

I worry he's clinging on to the stuff and house so that he can back out at any minute and still have everything in place. 

Which is what any smart man would do in this situation.  He's moving into a house which, you said, you "will always own in your own name."  Therefore he has no legal rights should you guys break up.

How long have you known this guy?

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18 hours ago, ljhm2024 said:

he should be wanting to get it done so we can move on, progress our relationship and future together, make money off the rent (him not me)  and just have it gone. It's causing a lot of overthinking and worry on my part and in turn a lot of arguments. Without this issue our relationship is brilliant, I just worry he's not committed when he is not showing enthusiasm or effort to get this job done. I worry he's clinging on to the stuff and house so that he can back out at any minute and still have everything in place.

If it's his house, under his name, then wouldn't the decision on what to do with it be his? If he wants to keep everything in it, clear it out overnight, or take a year to remove his stuff, then that's his choice. Even once his stuff is out and new people are renting, it won't actually be gone. Then you have tenants to deal with and the possibility something happens to the property. Having a second place will always at least have the potential to cause an issue.

The issue here isn't anything to do with the house. The issue actual stems down to a fear on your part that he isn't as committed or invested in the relationship as you are. But if everything is brillant as you say, what's causing that fear? Why are you, in your own words, overthinking and worrying? 

Perhaps he's lazy and doesn't want to deal with it. Perhaps he's tired from the day to day grind and really does need a day off without the extra stress and hassle. Perhaps he has some kind of connection to that house that makes it hard to let go. There could be a lot of reason it's taking him awhile, and most likely it has nothing to do with you.

One action doesn't generally define how a person feels. Is he showing you committment in other ways? Does he show you love, compassion, honesty, trust, understanding.... all the things that a good relationship is based on? Yes? Then trust those things. Realize that even in the best of relationships, there is bound to be that one thing that annoys us or that we wish the other person would change. Everyone has flaws. That doesn't mean they don't love us or we shouldn't love them. It simply a part of what makes them who they are. As long as the overall picture is good, you can work through the small stuff. 

And if need be, talk to him about it. Explain how you feel. Communication is the best way to deal with whatever comes up.

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You can't have it both ways. The house he is moving into isn't ever going to be his house, you've made that clear. So the agreement is he will live there but he will hold onto his property. That property is not your concern so why are you making it yours? So long as he holds down his side of the financial agreement you've made together, what does it matter if he sits on it or rents it quickly? 

If you were marrying or otherwise joining all your finances and property, ok, you'd have a say and he'd also have his name on the property you live in together. But that doesn't seem to be the case?

It's not fair of you at all in my opinion to make this about his level of commitment not being enough. You aren't risking anything, your home remains in your name and if it doesn't work out it will be he who has to shuffle quickly to rearrange his life. 

If you want the commitment level of "get rid of" the old, be prepared to match that. Don't ask for more than you are willing to give yourself. 

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When my then-partner (now ex-husband) and I moved in together, we rented a new place that belonged to neither of us. He paid for it as I was attending uni full-time and pregnant. We agreed that once we had the baby (we got married when I was 7 months along) then I would stay home and raise the baby while he worked (it was during the pandemic anyway). His parents gave us marriage money and we chose furniture together. 

Once we moved in together he informed me that should we ever break up, I better not expect to get anything from the house because it was paid for by him and his parents and although it was money for us, they were his parents and the money should go back to him. He made it clear that I was simply a guest in his place even though my name was also on the lease and we chose furniture together and I was saving us a significant amount of money by staying home with our son instead of going back to work (which I wanted to do because I had no money at my disposal for myself unless I earned it myself).

It is fine - and even wise of you - to retain your properly legally by yourself at this stage, but having said that, you cannot expect him to feel like it is his home when it isn’t. And let me tell you, from experience, there is nothing worse than feeling like a guest (in my case, an unwelcome guest) in your own home, which is what he will feel like to some extent. If you are not willing to make your home legally his home too, then you cannot expect to have a say about or expectation of what he should do with his home. He is taking all the risk and you are taking none of the risk. 

It is wise for you both to legally retain full ownership of your own homes at this stage but learn to manage your expectations of the degree of “say” you have about a property that has nothing to do with you.

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