Advice needed desperately on girlfriend of 7 months

Hey all,

I just wanted to get some opinions... i have been with my current girlfriend now for 7 months, I know its not long but it was amazing in the beginning and i felt like i loved her more than anyone before. She had to move back to her country because of births in the family and she planned to do this even before she met me, but we decided that she was going to come back and live with me because it was so amazing.

We decided i would quit work for a while and go and visit her and i did this and went out there for 9 weeks. However when i was there she suffered a bout of depression and was hard to live with, she didn’t show much love and compassion and was disinterested in sex with the antidepressants she was on and generally low sex drive with depression. We had sex about 6 times over 9 weeks but she was only doing it to make me feel happy those times. We had a few arguments and I lost my temper a few times with a few silly things because it was all getting on top of me that i travelled so far to see her, gave up my job, spent thousands on the trip etc.. I have since been back in my country for 5 weeks now and we chat on messenger everyday and do Skype every few days, she says she loves me, and i really want to love her but I am worried about if she actually does move back in a few months it will be like the time i spent with her in her country and I don’t want that, I want us both to be like it was in the beginning. Also some extra information she takes recreational drugs smokes a lot of weed and she does mdma/pills fairly regularly and coke sometimes, i myself wasn’t doing many drugs recently until i met her, I have dabbled a fair amount in the past and enjoyed consuming (Im 32 now, she is 26), i smoked a lot of weed at one point and took stimulants like speed and ecstasy now and again, but after meeting her I started doing a fair amount more which has continued since coming back with some of my friends and on my own. I think the depression on her side could be to do with not being able to afford say cocaine in her country which she would do twice a week with me. She is a good person in many ways but she has some problems in herself which I think stem from childhood which I don’t know the full extent of, I feel sometimes she can be a little self centred and lack empathy towards me and I am quite a sensitive person being a piscean.

She has been a bit quiet the last few days and hasn’t spoke much on messenger but she has been doing some drugs and spending time with several of her friends. We had a Skype and i told her i loved her like we normally do and that was as she was leaving the conversation she didn’t say it. I said it again on messenger after we said goodnight and she didn’t say it back. So i asked her if she still loved me and she got really angry and defensive, saying that is was rude of me to say and I’ve put her in a bad mood and she tells me all the time she does etc etc

Also whilst in her country she became pregnant and we decided the best option definitely at this stage was for her to have it which she agreed with.

Anyway was just looking for an outsiders point of view on it all, why was our conversation tonight so confrontational when i just wanted some reassurance and meant nothing bad by it? do you think given the history that it is worth continuing it? Does it seem like a lost cause and cut my losses?

I feel in a way that I love her, but I also feel like maybe I have fallen out of love a little with her because of all that went on in her country, i would love for that love to return like it was but realistically i do not know whether it ever will, should i just cut my losses and severe all ties?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Hi. First and foremost if she is pregnant she will have to stop the drugs IMMEDIATELY or the baby will suffer massive damage. I mean, seriously, who are her mentors? Does she have no one to guide her through this? This is incredibly irresponsible behaviour on both your parts if you were not thinking about protection while you both take drugs. Of course, even with protection sometimes women can become pregnant. The point is if she is choosing to have the baby she MUST stop all drugs NOW and go and seek medical and psychological help straight away if she and you are in any way going to be even close to resembling adequate parents for this child to be.

Secondly, if you have attempted to support her fully through depression without being self interested as any loving partner would do, that is wonderful. However, if she is not accepting your support and even worse treating you badly then there is nothing more you can do except insist that she gets some help to deal with any kinds of childhood trauma she has experienced. And most young people who need to take a lot of drugs do so to escape the real emotions that surface when drugs are not being taken...that is all the anger, rage, despair, hurt, sadness, grief and so on that are too intolerable to deal with without taking drugs. Right now she is evidently in a lot of denial, and so are you. You both should seek counselling separately and if you're not prepared to do that, then my suggestion would be to work on your own sense of self at the moment. This means focus on everything that you need to do to feel content about life. If she is not able to love you or herself in the way you need...then the best you can do is be totally honest about how SHE makes you feel and let her know what your needs are but at the same time let her know she needs help. I would let her know that she is not being empathetic towards you, but your message above shows a bit of self centeredness too when expecting her to enjoy sex and life when depressed. No one chooses depression. Depression chooses them and if you are a true partner you wouldn't be thinking about your own needs when your lover if obviously suffering greatly. Think about it and get help ASAP regarding her pregnancy.

Thanks for the reply sorry, i miscommunicated part of that we both agreed that she have an abortion whilst i was there with her because it was totally wrong timing wise and yes she was still doing drugs whilst pregnant which I wasnt particularly impressed with, although she would justify it by saying oh we arent having it anyway so there kid of a rationalisation for that. She parties with childhood friends who she was known her life and I really never worry about her cheating, she is pretty against that and I dont think theres any chance of that happening. I know it's easy to be more opinionated when theres drugs and abortion at hand as both these things trigger strong views on people but looking past that really its good to get an outsiders perspective on the whole situation.

Wow, so many things here.

1. You're too old to be doing drugs. At 21 I can accept it (but not condone it), but at 32 it's kind of sad.

2. If she is getting depressed from not being able to get enough cocaine, this isn't recreational for her, either. She's an addict. She needs help.

3. You said that she was on anti-depressants that kill her sex drive. If you really love her, then you'll be understanding about her depression. If her depression and lack of interest in sex is enough to turn you away from the relationship, though, then you're feeling something less than love.

4. Mixing anti-depressants and illegal drugs is a BAD idea. Unless you're suicidal.

5. I'm guessing you've never lived with a girl before? I've only lived with a girl once, but it lasted for 20 years (recently ended). The first few months were pretty sexual, but that really didn't last long. We fought a LOT that first year, and sex was maybe once every month or two. I suspect that happens for most people after the honeymoon phase is over, but I don't know for sure.

Now, with all that said...

Am I understanding correctly that while you were there, you had sex with her and got her pregnant, then you both agreed that she should have an abortion? And all of this was while she was already going through a depressive phase and was on anti-depressants?

Then, shortly after the abortion, you left her alone again? And now you're surprised that she's not being affectionate and saying "I love you"?

Brother, you have to put yourself in her shoes here. She's surrounded by people having babies, but then gets pregnant by a guy that's not acting like he loves her so she has an abortion. Then, when she's feeling the most sad and emotional, that guy leaves. And then he puts her on the defensive for not being affectionate.

I think that going through an abortion has to be one of the most negatively emotional times of a woman's life, akin to having a miscarriage. This is the time she needs you the most, and you're sort of abandoning her.

I think you're both very much in the wrong here. She's leading you down a dark path, turning you from a recreational drug user to an addict. And you've led her to a point where she's had an abortion, and now feeling abandoned... and then you want to break up with her for feeling that way.

yes she was still doing drugs whilst pregnant which I wasnt particularly impressed with, although she would justify it by saying oh we arent having it anyway

This is the wrong time and place for me to comment on this, but... seriously? "I'm going to kill it anyway, so I might as well hurt it as much as possible in the meanwhile"? I'm going to back away from this topic in an effort to be helpful, but... it's hard to back away.

IMHO, she needs psychiatric help. I kind of suspect that the anti-depressants she took weren't actually prescribed for her, but if they were then I don't know that she's being honest with her doctor. She needs to talk to a real therapist about the drug use and abortion.

From what you've said here, I don't know if you really need a therapist yourself, but you may want to consider NA. But if you abandon her right now, when she needs you the most, then you're a very, very bad person.

Thanks for the update. I am personally pro choice so have no judgment at all about abortion. But I'm from Australia and it's a little less controversial here! All the best.

Listen to csdude55. What a great dude!