The breakup and lack of moving on...

Hi guys,

Long time reader, first time poster.

I do apologize in advance if this post gets a bit long, but I'll try keep it short without skipping parts out.

So, recently my girlfriend split up with me, and started dating a new guy almost immediately afterwards. I'm struggling to get a sense of closure... full story below:

We had known each other for about 2 years before, during which time she had a string of unsuccessful relationships. A quick side note: I had never had any sort of romantic relationship before, even though I had tried in the past to ask a few girls out. Had always been rejected, which did have quite a bad effect on my self confidence, being a 23 year old man who had never even managed to hold a girls hand. I was on anti-depressants for a while, believe it or not.

Eventually, I started getting the idea that she liked me (she even asked me out on our first date). A few months later, we were a couple. I didn't rush into the relationship, because I wanted to make sure that it would be something worthwhile, and not just a casual fling. We dated for just over one and a half years, and spent lots of time together going on holidays, adventuring about, or just enjoying being with one another. I really did put my heart and soul into the relationship, and always tried to keep our relationship exciting by giving her small surprises, or arranging things for us to do, or even the old cliched handwritten notes. I was a very happy man, and really loved her. From what I could see, she was happy also. We spoke every day and would often talk of the future and what it might hold for us.

All of a sudden, about two months ago, she tells me she needs to talk. I was fed the whole story of "I need to focus on myself", "I don't want to be in a relationship right now", "I need to spend time with others" etc. And after a lot of tears and unhappiness, I was now a single man. I did try fight for our relationship, but it was a useless battle.

I didn't take the breakup well. I had many sleepless nights, wasn't doing well at work, had many harmful thoughts, and lost interest in the things I usually enjoyed. Meanwhile, my ex started frequenting a bar that is quite literally down the road from my house, which was weird because she never drank much while we were dating. It didn't help that I would see her car there on my commute home from work, and knowing that she was out drinking, and with a new random group of "friends" - she has stopped contact with everyone else since the breakup, and only focuses on this group of people who she just met. She even once sent me a text telling me to stop "stalking" her (a bit difficult when she drives accross town and sits at a bar in my neighborhood). I eventually changed my route home so that I wouldn't even come close to that bar.

About three weeks after she broke up with me, I discovered that she was already dating a new guy who she had only just met at the aforementioned bar. From what I gather, hes the stereotypical opposite of me (smokes, drinks, likes to go out partying, has no real motivation in life, whereas I don't smoke or drink, prefer a quiet night in watching movies, have two university degrees, a job, my own car etc). I sent her a text saying how badly she's hurt me, and thanks for lying. Never received a response, and my number was blocked from all forms of IM communication with her. This was a month ago, and theres been no contact since. I've been told by a mutual connection that she thinks her new guy is such a nice person, and that her family loves him already...blah blah. They already spend nearly every day together.

A long story short, I'm finding it very difficult to just pick myself up and move on. I fail to see how someone can just leave a relationship and move on so quickly if it apparently meant so much to them. Essentially, all I feel like right now is a very worthless person, because if a girl I tried so hard with is able to replace me within a few weeks, I clearly wasn't anything special. I also don't appreciate being lied to, and know that I will most probably never get any proper form of closure to our relationship. It's difficult to just stop caring for someone who you used to care for so much.

I know you guys have probably heard a similar story a million times over, so I'm sorry if I bored anyone.

If anyone wants to chip in with some advice to make things a bit easier please do, or else just thank you for reading all of this.

It has nothing to do with you at all. It's her. You will drive yourself bat crazy trying to figure out others peoples motivations and actions. For whatever reason she ended it. Once it's over in your exes mind then you need to start healing, go no contact and work on yourself to get over her. My wife left after 24 years back in March if this year and I'm still struggling. But I know I can really screw up moving forward by having contact with her and false hope and going over and over in my mind the whys and the should've would've could'ves..

Hi Freerb,

Sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard. It's going to feel even worse because it's your first relationship and you don't have the experience of any previous break ups.

You say 'Essentially, all I feel like right now is a very worthless person, because if a girl I tried so hard with is able to replace me within a few weeks, I clearly wasn't anything special.'. This is a common train of thought, but not one that will help in any way. I think that when a relationship ends, the most you can aspire to is knowing that you were as good as you could be, did everything you could to make it work and if you were given the chance, you wouldn't do anything different. If you can say that, you should feel proud of yourself.

If you were caring, loving, thoughtful and there for her, you were giving her one of the best gifts someone could give anybody. If she didn't want it, that's on her, not on you. You know you're a good, caring person and would make a good partner, and with time you will feel better and find someone who accepts this gift and reciprocates. Don't ever see it as 'I was the best I could and they still left me, so obviously I wasn't enough and I'm deficient and unlovable in some way', because this is on them and their inability to appreciate it. It doesn't matter if their feelings changed, if they became scared of the commitment they were making, if they found other priorities... these are their issues and depending on what they are, they will hinder their relationship with everyone they date.

Focus on the fact that you were a good partner and she just couldn't see it which is on her. Or you weren't what she was looking for, which again shouldn't reflect on you, as you will be for someone else. Know the difference between what's on you and what's on her, let go of what's on her and work on anything that you have control over. And keep posting here and speaking with friends, it helps!

Amazing advice Picara, couldn't of said it better myself. It makes perfect sense and i agree whole heartedly. We all have to learn that our exs actions are of no reflection of us and who we are.

If an ex has to run off to another relationship without looking inside to heal and resolve there issues first then they aren't as happy as it seems and won't be until they learn not to look for external sources to provide healing and meaning in life and instead to look inward.

Stay strong and as Picara said you can leave with your held held high knowing you did all you could and have an attractive set of characteristics to bring to a relationship.

A lot of people are going through the same as you at this present time. Including myself, i wouldn't change anything i did in my relationship and would do nothing different next time. She stated i was the best man she'd ever met i deserve better than her etc. It was her depression that ended us in the end and i respect that. That's her issue she needs to work through and has no reflection on me as a person or what i gave to the relationship. I've only been single for 3 days and yes of course it hurts but you have to forgive yourself and think this is the start of the next chapter of my life and to get ready for it.

Good luck on your journey.

First of all, it hasn't been very long at all since you were dumped. There is no standard time line for healing, but I'd say, going by what I've seen here on ENA for a few years, is that it typically takes six months to a year before a person even begins to feel "normal" again. The length of time it take to let go and move on is almost always far longer than we would ever expect. Love is powerful, and extremely hard to shut down if you are suddenly cut off. So give yourself time. Lots of time. Expect it, and try to surrender to the process.

One thing to remember is that you are both quite young. People at your age are rightfully still trying to discover who they are and what they want. Now that i'm older, I think it's absolutely insane for anyone under the age of 30 to even consider marriage and/or children. Too much changes during a person's 20's. Your ex most likely has a strong urge to explore life more, before she considers settling down. Also, lots of people just completely disappear after a breakup because 1) they can't deal with the aftermath 2) they've prepared themselves for the break long before they left, and 3) they know that they cannot cure your pain or give you what you want - themselves. Some people feel that they need to burn the perverbial house down, so they can make a complete break and move on. It is brutal, if you're still in love with that person though.

Another thing to consider is that people always get together because they share strong feelings of "passion" and infatuation. Those things always fade, and it's usually after the insanity of falling for someone has faded that people really start to consider if they can go the long haul with the other person, or not. You may be the nicest guy on the planet, but if you like quiet nights in, and she likes to go out and get wild, then you probably have opposing temperaments that are bound to diverge. If you can understand all that, it might help you understand how she can just move on. It will take time and deep inner exploration to come to terms with all of this, but in the process you will learn a lot about who you are and what you need. Knowledge like that never comes easy!

I've been told by a mutual connection that she ...

Ask all mutual connections to kindly refrain from discussing her with you. This is hard to ask because part of you is curious to hear word of her, but you're learning how disruptive this is to your healing.

Your grief is perfectly natural no matter how freakish it feels. Everyone who's loved enough can relate--it's universal despite how isolating it feels.

Write more if it helps, and we're here for you.

Wow, thanks for all the responses everyone. Really nice to log in and see people from all around the internet who are so willing to help

I guess that the breakup might have been inevitable, but she has certainly changed from the person that she was when we started dating. A bit sad, because you always keep thinking that you ended up driving the person crazy by just trying to be yourself. The whole "going out and drinking" thing only came about in the last few months. I also find it ironic how she told me she wants to spend time with her old friends. It's been nearly 2 months now, and none of them have heard a single word from her... its like shes trying to run away from her old life and everyone in it. She did lie to me a few times during the course of our relationship, and I always found out. They may not have been big lies, but still, a lie is a lie in my books.

The main part that I'm having trouble comprehending is how she can dump me and then jump straight in to another guy who shes only just met (I think people call that a rebound? Sorry, not good with this terminology), while I'm sitting here having a difficult time trying to forget about her. It just doesn't make sense to me how how some people can feel so strongly for a relationship, while others seem to view it kind of as something that was just a game. Doesn't help either that I'm about to turn 25, and have never had anyone else show the slightest bit of interest.

Catfeeder, yep, I've asked people to not mention anything to me about her, unless its serious. I still have her on FB, but I've removed her and her entire family from my newsfeed, and make the effort of not wanting to go check her profile. Small steps, I guess...

I apologize in advance if I can't make it back on here for a few days, as I have to go to hospital tomorrow for a big operation (not what I need right not). But I promise I'll make the effort to check in when I can while I recover and keep interacting with everyone.

Best wishes, and I hope you recover from your surgery very soon.

The idea of her 'moving on' so quickly is because she's been hooked on the grass being greener for a while before she pulled the plug. Look up the term 'grass is greener' on here, and you'll pull a flood of results--it's pretty common.

Some people, especially the very young, grow bored in a relationship that's been going on for a long time. They meet new people and fantasize about changing their whole life--complete with a crush on someone new. So the breakup wasn't sudden for her, she'd been going through her own depression about it while still in the relationship.

Head high, and get well soon. Your surgery may inspire you to view this time as a second chance at living a happier life if you use the experience properly.

Best wishes, and I hope you recover from your surgery very soon.

 

The idea of her 'moving on' so quickly is because she's been hooked on the grass being greener for a while before she pulled the plug. Look up the term 'grass is greener' on here, and you'll pull a flood of results--it's pretty common.

 

Some people, especially the very young, grow bored in a relationship that's been going on for a long time. They meet new people and fantasize about changing their whole life--complete with a crush on someone new. So the breakup wasn't sudden for her, she'd been going through her own depression about it while still in the relationship.

 

Head high, and get well soon. Your surgery may inspire you to view this time as a second chance at living a happier life if you use the experience properly.

This. Get a book called "Uncoupling." It will show you and help you realize how and when your ex was beginning her disconnection process, which started a while before yours.

Thanks for all the replies guys. I had a look at the "grass is greener" terminology, and it actually sounds so much like my situation its scary. Leaving with vague reasons, doing things she normally wouldn't do, finding a whole new friend circle etc. I know that its not a "law" that can be applied, but the similarities are striking.

Surprisingly, she did initiate contact with me yesterday, nearly a month to the day of our last contact. She had heard through a work friend that I'm due to have an operation today, and she said that she hopes it goes well, and I must let her know the outcome. I won't be rushing to contact her afterwards. If she wants to find out, she can make the effort to ask me. Do you think this is a harsh thing to do? I've been feeling a lot more bitter towards her since the contact surprisingly...

Sounds to me like you got a serious case of the GIGS. Good luck my friend, it’s a hard one to take!

Interestingly I didn’t realise that people ‘prepare’ for disconnection prior to the GIGS but after reading this: link removed

I can really see the traits very obviously in my ex a few months prior. I don’t know if prepare is the right term but I think maybe psychologically they are in a better place to break. I still think anyone that can jump straight into a relationship (other than an abusive one) after another is seriously lacking in emotional depth. Regardless of how much ‘preparation’ they have before hand, you are still living, sleeping and eating with that person and receiving their love and affection. If anything I think it makes you a bit of a snake. I’m all for ‘it’s not their fault’ but it’s you that gets hurt and often grieves for something very important alone. Worse than alone, betrayed.

One can only hope, what goes around comes around. And if/when it does you have the power to do what you want with that person. For me. I don’t know if I would completely destroy my ex, with mind games and leading her on, then dropping her in a bad place. Or welcome her with open arms (and a lot of tears) and rejoice in being back to together. Love and hate make strange bed fellows.

Also, why is whenever people get the GIGS the 'new friends' and 'new partner' always seem to be such bad people? My ex was lovely, kind and gentle. I often worry about what happening to her with out my support/influence and with theirs instead.

Back from the op. A long road to recovery ahead, but at least I'm still alive.

My ex did contact me to check how everything went, and also mentioned we should meet up when I'm better (next weekend earliest). I found that a bit odd, since she did spend quite a bit of time rambling on about how happy she is now with life, work, new BF, and how everything is wonderful (guess our relationship must have been very painful to her then).

Think its a good idea to meet her? I'm worried that I won't be able to hold myself together.

Think its a good idea to meet her? I'm worried that I won't be able to hold myself together.

No, she's with a new BF. I'd not contact her at all, and if she contacts you, I'd tell her that you appreciate her concern, but her new relationship renders her unmeetable with you. If she's ever free and clear of a BF and is interested in considering a reconciliation with you, then she can let you know and you'll meet to catch up. Short of that, you wish her the best.

The goal is not to keep yourself mired in your pain--you can't heal that way. For the same reason you'll want to block her on FB, you don't want to position yourself to hear about her fabulousness while you're miserable. That's a surefire way to STAY miserable, and it will not get you what you want.

As difficult as this is, focus on the second chance you've been given with your surgery to pursue a whole new life--and make it your goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resiliency and ability to bounce back from both surgery AND your breakup.

Head high.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I recently had a break up myself and I know how painful it is, how terrible those sleepless nights are. And how similar the story is cuz I heard my ex just got a new job and saw pictures of her from friends fb being out and about a lot, glowing and happy.

We were having problems and I was trying to fix it but ended up getting dumped. I asked myself countless times what went wrong, how something so wonderful can end so abruptly. Until I realized that I was only making myself suffer more, its hard to not think about it, how people we love can just walk out, it may make you feel worthless and insecure, but that's ok, just give it time and eventually you'll be able to accept.

The suffering will make you stronger and wiser, just keep the no contact, there might come a time when she unblocks and tries to contact you but don't reconnect. Focus on your healing, losing confidence is normal but shouldn't be permanent, I say that you did a great job on your first relationship, eventually you will realize you're self worth and how much you have to offer and find another person who will cherish that. Good luck!

So we spoke a bit on Friday (she initiated conversation). She was asking me about some creepy text messages that she was receiving, and thought it was one of my friends playing a trick on her (because I have nothing better to do when lying at home, in bed, dosed up on painkillers - sarcasm). Anyway, I told her I didn't appreciate her splashing the photos of her and her new BF around on social media already, and stuff got serious very quickly. Apparently I "always swing things back to make them about myself", and I'm a hypocrite because I'm upset at her moving on so fast, even though I have Tinder installed on my phone (I've used it maybe twice. And no one ever spoke to me anyway. Not really fair to compare a physical relationship to a non-existent virtual one IMO)

I hit back hard, and her tone changed completely when I think she realized how stupid her argument was. She became much kinder and apologetic, even mentioning she understands how I can be feeling so upset and bitter. Apparently all she wants for me to do is "be happy and find a nice girl" - way easier said than done, when you're nearly 25 and have only had one girl show interest in you. She also mentioned how difficult the breakup was on her, even though I think thats BS. You don't go out partying every night and find yourself in a new relationship almost immediately if the breakup was hard, right? I eventually called an end to the conversation, because it was quite frankly exhausting.

Funnily enough, its not just me who has an issue with her moving on so fast. A lot of our mutual friends have given her grief for what she did to me, and I get the impression shes clutching at straws for reasons why she broke up with me (the only thing I've heard is "we weren't right for each other", and she "made a choice". Not sure what that choice was. Pity only one of us felt that way).

She seems to be immensely confused now, which is fine with me. I doubt she'll ever wake up and realize what she did to me, but if shes feeling a bit of guilt, I'm fine with that.

Whatever. I'm slowly recovering from the op and have to go back to work tomorrow, which should slightly help take my mind off of things for a bit.

So its been a week or two since I've been here...thought I would update my story for those of you who happen to be in the same situation as me.

I saw her for the first time since the BU this last weekend at a concert (who would have thought that in a crowd of 40,000 people, we would end up right next to one another). We had a brief conversation, and then didn't take notice of each other. Simple.

The next day she sent me a message complaining about my "bad attitude" towards her (because you can't dump me after 1.5 years and then start dating someone else and expect me to be friendly). One thing led to another in our mini argument, and then the surprise was revealed:

The guy she started dating after she left me...dumped her. Yes everyone, karma seems to be a real thing. All those things you hear about rebounding also... yep, they're true.

After telling me this, she told me various things about how she misses me, thinks of me everyday, still cares about me etc. I'm not quite too sure how to interpret that, so I didn't respond with a direct answer.

Basically, to everyone in my situation, don't worry. They'll eventually get their share back of what they did to you. As mean as that may sound.

Are u going to try and reconcile? Or did the pain of getting dumped by her make it impossible for you? I had that opportunity years ago and tried to reconnect but the pain she caused me came roaring back so I ended up telling her to forget it.

Are u going to try and reconcile? Or did the pain of getting dumped by her make it impossible for you? I had that opportunity years ago and tried to reconnect but the pain she caused me came roaring back so I ended up telling her to forget it.

Valid question...however I think the pain of what she did is still too fresh to even consider it. I don't know whats going through her mind right now, since I'm keeping up the NC (if she messages me - usually about arbitrary things - I just respond with an "Ok", "Sure" etc). I don't think reconciliation is in her mind though.

She admitted that she screwed up, and isn't happy about it, so at least she took the first step to realizing what happened. The thing I'll never understand though is... she broke up with me because she wasn't "happy", and now that shes been going out drinking/partying and got done over by some other guy, she's even unhappier. Why not just solve your problems in the first place, and not run away from them?

The thing I'll never understand though is... she broke up with me because she wasn't "happy", and now that shes been going out drinking/partying and got done over by some other guy, she's even unhappier. Why not just solve your problems in the first place, and not run away from them?

Because she is a coward. Emotionally or otherwise..hence the grass is greener, rather than doing some work on your own damn lawn.

Agreed larthur1. I've always been a believer in not giving up that easily, and to just brush a whole relationship aside without even mentioning that she was "unhappy" just says to me that she was not interested in putting in one bit of effort.

It annoys me even more when she sent me messages in that last convo. Saying things like I miss you, I care about you, etc, then telling me about all the "hard times" that shes going through lately. It must have been really hard breaking up with me (when you knew it was coming), and then going out and meeting a new guy straight away - more sarcasm.

I'm feeling especially drained these last few days though. Not sure why. I have started to go and see a counselor/therapist at a friends recommendation, so hoping that they can help me put some perspective into my life. I think I did mention in my first post that I have a history of depression, and its certainly kicked back into full swing now No enjoyment in anything anymore, sleeping bad, no motivation and whatnot. And with the holidays coming up, it really sucks to feel like this.