Relationship Suddenly Ended After Several Years

Hi everyone, I found this forum while searching for ways to somehow cope with a devastating blow to my life recently. My partner and I had been together 3 weeks shy of nine years and a week ago she told me over the phone she was breaking up with me. She then told me she was on her way with one of her sisters to get all her things and was moving back to her mother's house. I was of course hysterical and crying and tried to reason with her and asked for her to please wait and us talk face to face, I asked for couples counseling, I did everything I could, but she was cold and emotionally shut off and just said no. She packed all her things like she was going on vacation and didn't even seem to be upset about leaving the animals except one she took with her. These animals were seriously like our children and she was very attached to them. We had not been having any major problems, but had our ups and downs as most do after so many years. We had been fine days before and she had just told me I would always have her and she loved me so much. She went to visit her mother and I spoke with her that night and she said she loved me and then next morning BAM she made the call to breakup with me. She said she was sick of me being stressed out and helping my dying father and that nothing she did was ever good enough. Just for some back story my father was far from perfect, but I am an only child and he is dying so no I am not abandoning him. She doesn't have a good relationship with her father and told me I shouldn't care if my father is dying because she didn't mind not having a relationship with her father. I did 90 percent of everything around and for our home and life and anytime I asked for help she made me out to be an angry monster. I couldn't figure out what I had done to make her leave. She put in her two weeks notice at work and then suddenly contacted them by text and said she wasn't coming back a few days later. Mind you she was close friends with her bosses and several co-workers. They contacted her back and begged her to stay and one very close friend said she didn't care what she did as long as they were still friends. They never heard a word back from her. She has not contacted me at all and it has been a week. She wont respond to anyone of her former friends here or my attempts to contact her. Its like a switch flipped and she went back to her family and is with them. The former co-workers and friends told me she was emotionless and strangely cold to them as well. She loved that job and those people. Its so strange and unlike her. She has never exhibited careless and emotionless behavior like this before and was always very kind and caring. I do not know this person she has apparently become overnight. I have almost fully financially supported her since she was 19 until now. I do not know what is going on nor what she plans on doing or how she plans on living. We were recently discussing vacations and anniversary plans for next month. I went to see a therapist because I am just heartbroken and destroyed over losing her. The therapist suggested there may have been some sort of psychological issue that suddenly presented itself since this seemed to not just be about us and our relationship , but had happened with others too. I'm just lost right now and have had trouble even eating because I am so sick over it all. She was my everything and I never so this coming. I'm realistic and know no relationship is perfect and that there had to be signs she was unhappy, but there wasn't and even outsiders have said the same thing. I don't understand how so many years are thrown away so easily and how cruel and cold she was to me. My heart is truly broken.

She sounds like a psychopath. She obviously has a serious personality disorder. People like that always realize what they've lost once they come back down.

Sounds pretty much just like my break up except Mine cheated on me out of the blue and when I figured it out and called her out on it, she immediately "flipped the switch" and went cold (over the phone). Completely different person in the blink of an eye. No sign of regret, compassion, remorse, like she didnt even know me.

Read my thread if you want to relate:

Its been about 7 weeks for me. She is long gone and cold as ice. Unreal. It the worst thing that has ever happened to me hands down.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

You are not the first person to suggest that possibility.

Thanks. I'm sorry for what you are going through and went through as well. It hurts even more when its the one person you thought would never hurt you and always be there for you that does the damage.

Thanks. I'm sorry for what you are going through and went through as well. It hurts even more when its the one person you thought would never hurt you and always be there for you that does the damage.

Yup. I treated her with complete love and dedication. I would have never hurt a hair on her head and thought she loved me just as much as I loved her right up until the day it ended. Then, the girl that loved me so unconditionally vanished completely leaving some stranger standing in front of me as she came to get her stuff.

It is terrifying. I still cant wrap my head around it. Once again, I am quite a few weeks ahead of you so feel free to let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Got through some really tough eating issues and major sleeping problems too. I know how it is man.

She said she was sick of me being stressed out and helping my dying father and that nothing she did was ever good enough. I did 90 percent of everything around and for our home and life and anytime I asked for help she made me out to be an angry monster.

So what do you think she's referring to here? Why did she have the idea that nothing she ever did was good enough? And what do you mean she made you out to be an angry monster?

Maybe I've watched too much movies but what if she has some terminal illness ? *knockonwood*im sorry. I'm really trying not to be rude but also trying to understand. I sometimes imagine... Well my grandma has Alzheimer's disease and think what I get really sick. I would never want to be a burden to my SO so I imagine what I would do at such circumstances and it would be exactly what your gf did...I really apologize if I crossed the line!

It could be mental illness (a sudden and severe depressive episode), but it could also be that she has 'gone underground' for a long time with her discontentment and was just going thru the motions while making up her mind whether to leave or not. Then once she does make up her mind, she doesn't want the drama and conflict of a break up so she rips the band-aid off quickly so to speak and decamps in a hurry.

The coldness could be her shutting down emotionally towards you because she has decided it is over and doesn't want to encourage any thinking that she might be back.

another possibility is that she has been having a long term affair or met someone, and wants to disappear out of her former life as quickly as possible in order to start a new relationship and not clue you in to the fact that she's been cheating or found someone new. Many people don't want to deal with guilt or accusations, so they do a houdini and disappear quickly and pop up later with the new person as if they just met them when it's really been a longer standing affair.

But the bottom line is she has chosen to leave. I know it is traumatic, but i suggest that you focus on continuing your counseling sessions and trying to take care of yourself and do some things that you enjoy to take your mind off it. It does get better with time, and eventually you will probably find out why she left and it will make more sense then.

Sorry you are going through this. A similar thing happened to me a few years ago. First of all, I have been there, I know exactly how you are feeling. Second, even though it doesn't feel like it, one day you are going to be rid of this pain and back to the person you are. Heart break is temporary and with time, the pain fades and you heal.

I would read up on personality disorders, particularly something called BPD (borderline personality disorder). Sudden departures like that could be something called "Fear of abandonment"

It's all related to one's childhood. People do crazy things when they are scared.

This probably has nothing to do with you, so don't blame yourself. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why. Once I learned about her childhood, the emotional neglect and her narcissistic father, I began to understand that she probably had BPD and it explained her behavior. Normal people don't just disappear like that. There is something underneath if you dig.

This forum was like a lifesaver for me so I am glad to see you are here. I haven't been here in a very long time but I like to come back every once in awhile and try to pay it forward.