Slept With Good Guy Friend. . .Just Want Some Opinions...

I apologize this might be a little bit long, but thanks so much for reading this even guys. i really appreciate it.

basically i've known him since first year uni, we're great friends, just we click really well and always have a great laugh. purely platonic though. New Year's Eve we agreed i would just go to his place (out of the city) and chill for once, his mom was home and i NEVER for a second thought something would happen, i've known him for about 3 years now. we got really close last few months of 2013, he was there for me through alot of bad , i cried to him and we can talk all day. like it was just a good fun friendship. never thought anything would happen with us.

night of New Year's Eve, his mom cooked for us and we had beer and wine and played video games, in retrospect he was sort of making a move on me because he kept letting me or making me lean against him and tried to cuddle with me, anyways, out of nowhere he kissed me. and i pulled back frekaing out saying "omg we can't do this we're good friends". but i gave in eventually and we just kissed. he KNOWS i like someone else and he was even rooting for me an the other guy, he told me after the kiss "i'm a simple guy, i don't want a relationship" (he just got out of one). we went to the bar, he kissed me at midnight, i got face wasted. he took me back and carried me bridal style to my bed, laid beside me & waited til i sobered up because he said he wasn't gonna take advantage of me. we finally slept together, sex was great, we both agreed to that.

after that things went south, he got awkward next morning. we barely messaged, it's like we did a complete 180 from where we were. i thought he didn't care anymore til word got to him somehow and he called me, FLIPPING OUT, i've never seen him mad in the years i've known him. and he wanted ot make sure things were fixed with me before he left for two weeks. but he said we "can't sleep together" anymore 'cause he likes someone else, which even i knew was a lie because i knew he didn't want a relationship, i just know when he's lying. i know he only said that to make sure I don't like him when he knows plainly i'm into this other guy. right after sleeping together he got all weird and was like "can you leave me alone" like he was acting so out of character, it just threw me off.

long story short, we just stopped talking, i've tried to reach out to him twice to no responses. things did not get better after that call, he got so overly sensitive about everything. we haven't talked for months (stopped in end of January) til i saw him again in my summer school class by complete chance this month. i was so thrown off b/c while i never really got over what happened, i miss him as a friend ALOT, i accepted it. and seeing him again rattled me alot. but it's so weird 'cause he makes such a point of ignoring me, literally running out of class soon as it ends, bag half open laptop in hand and jacket half undone. i know him enough to know when he's trying really hard to ignore me. just sitting there and staring straight ahead.

i don't have romantic feelings for him, but we had a great friendship and we were SO close, it was just all great and stuff. it's kinda hard to believe he'd be friends with me for three years, date another girl, all that only to sleep with me for one night.

so...what happened? LOL. i just want to know b/c i moved on but seeing him kinda threw me off.

so...what happened? LOL. i just want to know b/c i moved on but seeing him kinda threw me off.

What happened was after making the choice to sleep with a friend, it changes the dynamics and it's very rare to be able to go back to what you were prior to this. It's fairly simple, friends do not sleep together.

I may be out of line for asking, but if you don't have romantic feelings for him, what was the point of sleeping together?

I have learned the hard way that a guy and a guy can be great friends forever, a girl and a girl can be great friends forever (assuming straight here, I don't have experience with gay). But a guy and a girl...this one is hard because if you are so close you are BEST FRIENDS...there is always that 'what if...' that always messes things up. If romance gets involved, friendships get fused into one relationship you have with this person, so if the romance goes south, the friendship goes with it.

Its really, really sad sometimes. However, I still believe it is possible, just rare. I'm an optimist.

As HeartGoesOn stated, why did you sleep with him if you didn't have any romantic feelings for him? I think this is due to youth and lack of life experience regarding this specific issue. You clearly know when he is lying, but you don't clearly know that he is in love with you? In which you should have stopped that way before you both had sex. There is so much to say about this story, but I do want you to answer what HeartGoesOn asked, why did you sleep with him?

When someone says they don't want a relationship, it means they don't want a relationship with you. There is always room for that special someone to come into their lives and change their minds completely, I would know first hand because I've been on both sides of that. I am also wondering that if you were 'best friends' it would mean that any new girl that came into his life would quickly take your place as 'girl best friend' and he would ditch you - there is no room for a more important girl on the sidelines in a healthy relationship.

I just wanted to point that out - as he may not be lying to you about liking someone else. Also, now that you have scratched out the dynamic of a platonic friendship, it is probably unhealthy for you both to remain so close if he is hoping to pursue someone else (whether or not they have even come into his life yet)

I have no idea why he is acting so terribly toward you though. That, I do not agree with. It is extremely immature and places blame completely on you. You did not hold a gun to his head at all, and it sounds like he made the moves on you first. He has disregarded any friendship you had in the past completely, and sounds like he is now worried that you will have become 'attached' to him romantically (like any self-flattering 'player' that cuts a girl out once he has 'conquered' his challenge). He has shown you absolutely no respect here. It is probably hard for you to see, but while you are missing him and who he once was - he has finally shown you his true colours and true feelings toward you. In the end, he saw you as a challenge and no longer a platonic friend, and then he ditched you right away without looking back. Why would you want to get that kind of person back in your life?

I didn't really expect anything to happen with him til he kissed me. I only slept with him cuz I wanted to have sex. I was really smashed that night and he kissed me, I figured we are both mature enough to do this.

Actually, tbh, I still am. I can and have looked past the sex. Pic just don't know what happened with him.

I don't have any romantic feelings for him prior to this, never ever did. I know this is one of those stupid things people do in their 20s (like me). Even more of no romantic feelings for him I was into another guy at the time and he knew it, but I was technically single. definitely learned the hard way to not sleep with friends but, I just don't understand quite what happened here.

I didn't really expect anything to happen with him til he kissed me. I only slept with him cuz I wanted to have sex. I was really smashed that night and he kissed me, I figured we are both mature enough to do this.

Wanting to do something doesn't mean you should. You should not have figured you were both mature enough, especially not knowing the consequences of taking a friendship past being platonic into the sexual realm. Also, you cannot assume others will react to a situation the same as you will. Despite how long you have known someone, when you put them in a situation they haven't experienced before or do not know how to handle, the best way to actually move forward is through communication. When you initially said "We cannot do this, we are just friends." - It should have ended there, and being drunk isn't an excuse you can use. I don't care how drunk I am, if I am not sexually attracted to someone, I will not proceed. A vast majority of the time, people use the excuse of being 'drunk' to justify why they did things they were already thinking of doing prior to being intoxicated.

I don't have any romantic feelings for him prior to this, never ever did. I know this is one of those stupid things people do in their 20s (like me). Even more of no romantic feelings for him I was into another guy at the time and he knew it, but I was technically single. definitely learned the hard way to not sleep with friends but, I just don't understand quite what happened here.

I don't understand what you are saying. When you say "prior to this", are you implying you do have romantic feelings for him now? Are you confused?

What happened here was your best friend fell for you. Then when he realized you may not like him back, so he gave you the cold shoulder. It is harder to communicate your feelings to people, especially your "best friend". The easy route is to ignore you and make you 'hate' him so you don't come around in his life again (which would allow for him to move on). He shouldn't put all the blame on you, that is quite ridiculous. In the sense of changing the dynamics of your friendship, you were BOTH at fault. You didn't hold a gun to his head and he didn't hold a gun to yours. As you said, you "gave in" and eventually kissed him more.

You learned the hard way, which most people have to do.

I guess in a way I'm not over this because I never got a resolution. I just want to know why he did what he did, and yeah you guys are 100% right it takes two to tangle. I KNOW that shouldn't have happened, definitely the worst idea ever. In my mind I thought he knows I like this guy & he's even rooting for me and this other guy, so this would be just pure physical.

No, no romantic feelings for him. I know that for a fact. I meant prior as the friendship was JUST friends. still no feelings now but I obviously miss how things used to be, I really value my close friends and I think that can be my pitfall at times.

I've thought about if it's maybe he has feelings for me but that doesn't seem...possible given he knows I like someone, unless he got feelings after sex...in my mind though that's the only thing that would make sense given how the friendship deteriorated so fast.

I guess in a way I'm not over this because I never got a resolution. I just want to know why he did what he did, and yeah you guys are 100% right it takes two to tangle.

As a funny side note, it's "takes two to tango", not tangle.

Anyways, I am not sure you fully understand the dynamics between one person who gets very close to another of the opposite sex (considering they are both heterosexual). One will always fall for the other, especially with how close you claim you and him used to be. He hid his feelings for a while, a very long while. They ended up manifesting physically instead of mentally through communication. In short, he was communicating with the wrong head.

I KNOW that shouldn't have happened, definitely the worst idea ever. In my mind I thought he knows I like this guy & he's even rooting for me and this other guy, so this would be just pure physical.

Just because you like someone else doesn't mean he can stop or should stop liking you. He was probably thinking, and has been for a while, that he wishes he was the guy you liked. Again, he just didn't know how to communicate it. He didn't know if it would ruin your friendship, make things awkward and possibly lose you for good. He took a risk (which rarely ever works) and tried to use physical aspects to 'lure' you into his world and see him differently. Not as a friend, but as more.

No, no romantic feelings for him. I know that for a fact. I meant prior as the friendship was JUST friends. still no feelings now but I obviously miss how things used to be, I really value my close friends and I think that can be my pitfall at times.

Your pitfall seems to be not recognizing the signs people give off when they are interested in you. Sure, it isn't your fault necessarily, because he should have communicated his feelings to you. And even if you aren't quite sure about his feelings for you, just ask! Communication, communication, communication. I can't stress this enough!

I've thought about if it's maybe he has feelings for me but that doesn't seem...possible given he knows I like someone, unless he got feelings after sex...in my mind though that's the only thing that would make sense given how the friendship deteriorated so fast.

I already explained this above. Again, he wanted to be that guy you liked. Of course he is going to root you on to get with someone else because he wants to seem supportive. He doesn't want to seem over protective or jealous, which come off as showcasing his feelings. He had feelings WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY before you and him ever had sex. Months, possibly even years before.

first of all blacklantana i wanna say thank you so much for your detailed insight. thank you for even taking the time to help me because i know i sound pretty confused LOL. but anyways, thanks so much, i came on this forum hoping for some insight and i definitely got that from you.

i think you're right, it does seem to be the only thing that makes sense. one thing i held off on telling though, is i told him i really liked the sex and i said we should do it again, which he (not surprisingly) had no problems with. but when things went south right after and i said to him "was the sex only one time?" he replied with "i don't know i mean, there's this girl in my class that i really like." that was when any notion of him liking me (which i had somewhat suspected when things got weird) went away, i thought later maybe it's possible he thinks i like him. which again, is slightly off since like i said, I like someone else.

anyways, that's all there is to say. i don't wanna ramble on about the same things lol. i know communication's important and i feel he doesn't care enough to even communicate, knowing i'm fully ready to talk it out. that's why i'm so confused because nothing really adds up to an explanation. talking it out here just helps since i can get everything i feel out.

but again, thank you SOOOOOO much blacklantana for all your insight and you taking the time to answer. i appreciate it alot. thank you.

i think you're right, it does seem to be the only thing that makes sense. one thing i held off on telling though, is i told him i really liked the sex and i said we should do it again, which he (not surprisingly) had no problems with. but when things went south right after and i said to him "was the sex only one time?" he replied with "i don't know i mean, there's this girl in my class that i really like." that was when any notion of him liking me (which i had somewhat suspected when things got weird) went away, i thought later maybe it's possible he thinks i like him. which again, is slightly off since like i said, I like someone else.

This is one of the oldest manipulation tricks in the book. The problem is, he was using them on the wrong girl. After he was validated by your "This sex is great, let's do it again.", he wanted to make you jealous. That is why, when things went south, he mentioned "Well, there is a girl in my class I really like." - You know that line is 100% crap, because if he "really liked" her, why is he in bed with you? This was just a tactic to make you jealous. And if you were to get jealous, it would validate your feelings for him, which is what his ultimate goal is.

The problem with kids, especially in their 20s, is they don't know how to just communicate things. Or, instead of making everything weird, he could have continued to stay your friend, along with having sex, and see where it led. Who knows, maybe you could have grew feelings for him? Maybe you two could have ended up together, but no. He couldn't take it, he wasn't patient and he didn't want to put his guard down to let you know how he was feeling. He was probably also getting fed non-sense from his guy friends to do this or that, which heavily influences an immature person, which he seems to be.

anyways, that's all there is to say. i don't wanna ramble on about the same things lol. i know communication's important and i feel he doesn't care enough to even communicate, knowing i'm fully ready to talk it out. that's why i'm so confused because nothing really adds up to an explanation. talking it out here just helps since i can get everything i feel out.

 

but again, thank you SOOOOOO much blacklantana for all your insight and you taking the time to answer. i appreciate it alot. thank you.

The explanation is pretty clear from the outside looking in, but that is why it is easier to view from my seat. When you are in the drama, it is too tough to see the bigger picture.

I am glad you posted and I am glad I could help out. Many people here seem to be pretty knowledgeable and definitely give great insight. I hope everything works out for you