We're having "the talk" on Fri

Hi everyone,

Its my first time here and I really hope you can give me some advice on this. Been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half year. Things have happened along the way which made me distrust him. He has tried hard to make up for that, and has been taken care of me after i underwent surgery, but still i dont manage to forget and forgive.

We lost intimacy when it come to sharing our inner thoughts. We've reached a point where I feel upset most of the time and he doesnt show his love no more. I love him but dont feel safe enough to share my feelings, dont want to feel disappointed again.

I gave him all at the beginning of the relationship, which he didnt as he had just ended a long-term one. So now I dont believe his feelings.

So we decided to sit down on Friday and either decide to move on and stay together or split up. I get nervous in these situations and dont focus on what I really wanna say.

Besides, I have all my life sorted (good job, house) and he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen). Deep down I had thought of getting married next year, since due to a medical condition I cant wait too long to have babies. And i love him, just dont know how to cope forgetting the past.

Thanks a lot, anything helps!

You don't trust him. Bottom line.

Without trust there can be no long term relationship.

It sounds like you are young --- so deal with the break up and get on with your life, as you have been.

Thanks for taking your time to answer. But the thing is, if I think of it objectively, he hasnt done anything wrong... just not falling in love with me right from the beginning. Ive lost other men for being jealous without a real reason, and I dont want to lose him because of my lack of self-confidence.

Sorry I forgot to say Im 33.

You said he has done things to make you mistrust him.

And now you are backtracking and saying he hasn't done anything wrong.

Which is it?

If what he did wrong is "not fall in love" with you on YOUR timetable --- you have some serious issures.

>> I have all my life sorted (good job, house) and he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen).

If you are 33, you should not be thinking about marrying a guy who 'lives like a teen.' He's not ready to be a husband and a father if he won't even work. Who's supporing him, you or his parents?

If you want kids, you are better off having them on your own (sperm donor) than having a lazy slug sitting around the house draining you of money while you take care of him like you're his mother. You want to devote your energy to your kids, not to some guy who won't grow up.

I suggest writing down the issues you want to discuss with him if you have trouble expressing what you want to say. That way you get all of the issues and problems out and in the way you want to discuss them. One of those points I would make sure is her life of living like a teen at 33. That is not future husband material, if you or him want this relationship to work long term, he needs to learn that it's time to grow up.

Secondly, with the insecurity issues you have had and the jealousy and such, have you ever considered seeing a counsellor or therapist? They could be view help is find the route of your problem. What exactly has he done that has made him loose your trust? Has he been talking to other women behind your back? Has he flirted with other women that you know about?? OR is the "mistrust" all in your head? Are you assuming you can't trust him just because he is a male and you assuming that they are all cheating a-holes so you don't trust any of them?? If the underlining reason why you don't trust him is from your own accusations and he hasnt actually done anything wrong -- I highly recommend you seeking out professional help. Not trusting someone because of your own assumptions is not fair to the person you are trying to have a relationship with because they can show their trust as much as they want and you're just going to continuously view them as a distrustful person.

You said he has done things to make you mistrust him.

 

And now you are backtracking and saying he hasn't done anything wrong.

 

Which is it?

 

If what he did wrong is "not fall in love" with you on YOUR timetable --- you have some serious issures.

He met with his ex once, as she kept phoning him all the time. Told me months later (I asked) when this girl tried to contact me via facebook.

As for the time table, yes, I might be too idealist, but I love him at the time and expected to be loved back.

Thanks for taking the time to answer

lavenderdove, thanks for taking the time to answer Still, its hard to take the decision...

People fall in love at their own pace...not on a set time table.

Im writing everything down

Regarding mistrust, he met with his ex once, as she kept phoning him all the time. Told me months later (I asked) when this girl tried to contact me via facebook. Other than that, he never flirts, nor check out other women. Other than the ex's story I have never relied more on a guy than on this one. I genuinely dont think he would be unfaithful.

Thanks for your advice!

>> I have all my life sorted (good job, house) and he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen).

 

If you are 33, you should not be thinking about marrying a guy who 'lives like a teen.' He's not ready to be a husband and a father if he won't even work. Who's supporing him, you or his parents?

 

If you want kids, you are better off having them on your own (sperm donor) than having a lazy slug sitting around the house draining you of money while you take care of him like you're his mother. You want to devote your energy to your kids, not to some guy who won't grow up.

He's supporting himself, he's got some savings...

You made him sound bad in your first post and now you've back tracked on all of it. What's the real decision you're wanting to make? If you want to have kids but don't think he'll be right for it, then leave.

You made him sound bad in your first post and now you've back tracked on all of it. What's the real decision you're wanting to make? If you want to have kids but don't think he'll be right for it, then leave.

He's a good guy. What I really want is him to tell me that is going to focus more on job hunting, and that he wants us to move in together... that's what i expect...

Your expectations are way out of hand.

Besides, I have all my life sorted (good job, house) and he is unemployed and not doing much to change that situation (lives like a teen). Deep down I had thought of getting married next year, since due to a medical condition I cant wait too long to have babies. And i love him, just dont know how to cope forgetting the past.

He's a good guy. What I really want is him to tell me that is going to focus more on job hunting, and that he wants us to move in together... that's what i expect...

You expect him to grow up because you're all grown up, want to live together, want to get married and want children soon? You can't change him.

If you fear wasting more time with him then leave him! Find someone who fits the role you clearly need to be filled before your magical expiration date on having children.