Broken up with an emotional abuser... Now feels so hopeless

I have just broken up with my boyfriend, he was controlling with not liking me seeing friends, or competing in my sport, keeping me from spending time with my parents, became very jealous very easily and made me feel guilty and ignored me when I had done nothing wrong. Such as my birthday he didn't like that my parents took me to watch an international sports competition, so shouted at me, swore at me and then ignored me the whole day, and if he wanted to know something or wanted me to do something he would become all sweet and call me darling and sweetie, rather than b***h or s**t. I got accused of lying and cheating, so was constantly told you liar or cheater, f*** you, a piece of s**t.

I have broken up now, but I feel so worthless after being told that, it is drummed into my mind, I think I am no-one, that my parents don't love me, or that I am a failure or no one wants to know me, I feel distanced from my friends (i haven't been out wirh my friends since August) and my family (my nan keeps saying you are not yourself), I feel lost and depressed, I want me back, but his words are in my head, and it puts me down badly

I miss him as I did love him, I am grateful it is over, but he has left big scars in my self-esteem and confidence, I don't know how to go about it to get myself back to me again....

Am I worthy? I feel I am nothing.

As well I had dreams with him , and to think that won't happen or I will meet another boy makes me feel awful, I don't want another boy, I still want him but it can't happen with him like that, but I still feel that, will that feeling go?

He has made me feel cold inside. With all his words I have cried so so much and got to the point where his name calling was so much that my little cousin's hugs and kisses can't make me feel loved, it is like I have put a barrier around myself and not letting any feelings in or out

Is there any suggestions to help move on or to get away from this situation?

As well I had dreams with him , and to think that won't happen or I will meet another boy makes me feel awful, I don't want another boy, I still want him but it can't happen with him like that, but I still feel that, will that feeling go?

Massive hugs hun! Yes, that feeling will go.

As for him ruining your self esteem- you probably know what he said and did says a lot about him and not you, right? Abusers and predators will ruin your sense of worth to make you compliant. That is because THEY don't have what it takes to be comfortable with an equal.

If you DO know his utterly disgusting behavior says nothing about you but simply cannot shake the feeling away you would do well to seek counselling. If you can't afford a therapist your gp could refer you to a psychiatrist, it's how we get therapy in Europe and it's as efficient and helpful as seeing a therapist. You're probably young and it seems horrible to enter the relationship scene with an abuser as your first serious partner (i assume) so understandably there are scars and worries that you'll be considered worthless by the next guy as well. But this guy is way messed up, a healthy one wouldn't dream of doing that and there are healthy men out there! On the other hand- since this happened while you're still young, you have a chance to build a healthy self image and a confidence based on your actual worth that isn't influenced by some douchebag. Once you learn that you'll be foolproof and nobody will ever make you feel worthless again.

You are a WONDERFUL, GENTLE GIRL!! He is an A. A complete A!

Have you told your nan why you're feeling down? Older women have the experience and understand just what a devastating effect a tyrant can have on girls, I think she might be very understanding and reassuring if you told her how you felt.

An understanding person, possibly with professional experience would be able to help you see his insults as abuse rather than valid comments. Abusers abuse because they're sick,twisted je*ks. Not because you give them reason for it (there is NO valid reason for abuse of any kind!)! In fact, it's usually the sweetest, best people who get abused because their kind nature is appealing to the predator as they're less likely to fight back or tell the abuser just what a pathetic excuse for a man he is.

You're a healthy, athletic, friendly girl- you sound like the perfect youth! Your family and friends do know that! Feel free to reach out to them and explain how you've been treated (p.s. if you're a minor and he's not he might have to legally answer for abuse). They WILL tell you that a sick person's treatment says nothing about you.

Never, ever allow an A to make you feel inferior- these people are deeply disturbed and wayyy in the wrong.

Now talk to your folks, explain what happened and how it made you feel, set up an appointment with a professional and post back to keep us updated. You're worth SO much and should be getting all the help it takes to realize that.

Its very common when people who leave an abusive relationship to have stress related issues, because when you live in fear it is similar to 'combat' situation.

Know that you are opposite to who you think you are right now and it's BECAUSE you are a good person that you feel this way. When you love, you love deeply, when you care, you care completely. You do your best for those you love always. This is why he chose you. He knew who you were and that you would give it your all and stick it out to the bitter end and he took advantage of that, used that to his advantage. A lesser person wouldnt have tried so hard to make things better or stuck it out for so long.

Spend time with the people who love you, have fun with your little cousins, contact your friends and go out and do things with them again. Start living your free life and have fun. Ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor and if you cant do that, at least talk to someone you trust. When your stress and depression lift you will become yourself again.

When your nan says that you are not yourself lately it's because she knows you, loves you deeply, and cares about you with all her being and as a result of that, she can sense something is not right and it worries her. Your parents take you places and do things for you because they love you more than anything or anyone on this planet. So next time you get these thoughts in your head that your family doesn't love you, think of this.

Regaining yourself once you have been abused is not instant. It takes time and effort, same as your sports training does. Start deliberately reaching out to your friends and going out. It will feel weird and disconnected at first, but keep doing it until it starts to feel right again. Immerse yourself in your training and enjoy the freedom you have to do it. The freedom to take your time, to stick around and really indulge in that. As already pointed out, see if you can find someone to talk to.

Thank you RainyCoast, Amipushy and Dancing Fool,

yes when I do think of what he said, I try to think that I have done nothing wrong and that it was him. It still makes me feel down, however your words make me see a different view of it, which makes me feel better about myself.

yes I am 19 and he was my first serious partner,

Thank you for your supporting advice,

I have never told Nan, because I am too shy, but i have told a close friend of my mum who i have grown up with being there. I have planned to meet two friends tomorrow at a café for lunch, which i feel happy about, and i am training for competitions in a few weeks so i can focus and put my thoughts in training,

I have spoken to my mum's close friend, but if i need more help then i will seek further help.

Thank you for your advice, it makes me feel that i am not alone.

Maureen if you're still here, this page is dedicated to victims of emotional abuse. It's laden with personal experience from members and tips from professionals link removed.

Good luck with everything, will be rooting for your competition as well!

Thank you for the link, I will read,

Thank you so much

don't let him get to you. everything he said was a reflection of things he hates about himself and all about his own issues. he was trying to control you.

when i was younger i dated a verbally/physically abusive guy for about a year. i stayed longer than i should have, coming back to him after every crazy out of control fight, believing him every time he apologized. one day i had a doctors appointment, after the appointment i looked at my phone to see like 50 missed calls and texts so i called him back to tell him i just got done with the doctor. he flipped out on me saying i was lying, i was cheating, calling me the worst names, threatening me, all that. and i thought really??? all this because i was at the doctors office!!?? much worse things had happened b/t us but for some reason that was the final straw for me. i thought do i really want to deal with this anymore?

so after that day i never spoke to him again. he called me over and over again but surprisingly never showed up to my house. i didn't owe him a real breakup and he knew what he had done wrong. i was so in love with him at the time .. but i'm so glad i didn't stay or go back to him. where would i be now?? definitely miserable or possibly even dead. i thought i wouldn't be able to get over him but it was the best decision of my life. people like that have something wrong inside of their heads and it will only get worse.

nothing he said bad about you is true just know that. don't let him take away your happiness, you might be left with some mental scars from him but it will get better. breakups are always hard but this one was for the best. do not take his words to heart!!! you are better than he ever could dream to be. he is a bad person... you are not and you never were! now you are free to be yourself without any judgments!! you have friends around you to support you! you will be fine. everything will get better now that you are free of him trying to control you! trust me! i've been through it....

and you won't meet someone like him again because now you know the warning signs. so as soon as you see one red flag get the hell out of there! there is someone out there for you that will treat you right.

Thank you for your words and advice Megan223, i am grateful

I have contacted friends and have told them what has happened, we are meeting up together and supporting me.

Good for you for getting out of that situation,that in itself shows strength and courage,it takes time to heal after you've been beaten down for so long,just take one day at a time,do things that make you feel good,surround yourself with friends and family,pamper yourself but most importantly block all contact with him,i went through the exact same thing with my ex when i finally walked away after 3 years i was so emotionaly shattered and felt so worthless,degraded ,no pride i knew i could'nt take anymore of his mind games he manipulated me so bad he could justify every bad thing he did to me he was the victim it was always my behaviour that caused me to suffer and i believed him,so when he ended it again i went no contact totally cut him off and its now been over 40 days he's tried every way to get back in my life still trying now but i treat him likes hes dead because he is to me,you will have good and bad days but i promise you will feel better,you will start to see more clearer that you deserve better and are worth more than some idiot who will most likey never change,people like him don't love people they love control because their so insecure about themselves and the rotten person they are,he knows you can do better he just does'nt want you to know and the only way he can do that is to keep beating you down,so after 40 days i feel so happy,confident and strong and i scratch my head wondering where the heck have i been for 3yrs because why would i put up with that its crazy.so take one day at a time and stay strong.hugs. x

Don't let him tell you who or what you are. Spend time with those that know and love you. They will remind you of who you are! It will take time to un-program his agenda. Be patient, kind and loving to yourself.

Thank you so much for your words Chezza and LostinLife

Day by day i feel better, i still have some downs, but generally things are starting to get a little easier,