boyfriend has ignored me for a week...

So, my boyfriend and I have been doing wonderfully. No fights, we spent all of last weekend together going out and staying at my apt. I have been experiencing depression for the last few weeks and my counselor suggested maybe going on anti-depressants. I told my boyfriend about this over the weekend, making it clear that I was afraid it would scare him or make him run. He suffers from seasonal depression, when we first met up until about our 6 month he was very depressed, cried and would have major mood swings and keep me up with them all night. It took a toll on me, I didn't know what to do to help him but was there for him in any way I could be. I always took the time to comfort him. He was really sweet when I told him about what I'm going through, and I asked him if he would be there for me through this rough time, knowing that I might be going on medication. He said of course, and that he wanted me to tell him everything I was feeling because it upsets him when I don't tell him things. I broke down that night and told him all the horrible things I've been experiencing. He said he was very worried about me, and that he felt himself slipping back into his own depression, but he sees a counselor now so that will make it easier. We ended it on a good note, I told him I wasn't going to let this rule my life and that I will be okay. He told me he loved me over and over and I felt at peace.

Fast forward to Monday morning, he wakes up at my place and is running late, asks to shower by himself and for me to make him lunch. I make a sandwich and return to find him taking a bunch of his clothes out of the dirty laundry, claiming "I have too much sh*t here". He usually keeps a good amount of clothes at my place since he stays here a few nights a week. It worried me a little bit, but I've also been a bit more paranoid since the depression. Usually, we text everyday. I do not hear from him. He re-activates his fb account, I send him a relationship request and as of 5 days later, he has ignored it. Wednesday nights we have a dance lesson together, he comes right from class to here. He didn't show up, didn't text me or anything. I was also performing later that night (poem that I wrote for him) and texted him saying, "Thanks for being there like you said, guess I won't see you at the poetry slam either." The next MORNING he replies, "I'm sorry I missed your reading." and asks if he can come over later that night (probably to break up with me). In that text, he used my name instead of "baby" or anything like he normally would. I waited all day to reply and asked why he wanted to come over, because I didn't really want to see him. Normally I would always say yes, but I needed a little control this time around. He's said nothing to me since, and that was 3 days ago. He has not been on fb since Tuesday night, I don't know where he is or what the hell is going on. I can't believe he is doing this to me. We have broken up before, he tends to get freaked out and says hes scared, breaks up with me, but is back no more than a week later wanting to be with me. I love this man to death but when this happens it kills me. I feel unable to function because I don't have any answers. Last night I was at a couple parties with my friends, of course I thought about him the whole time and got upset, I texted him "why don't you give a f*** about me" and he hasn't said anything.

My friends are all at a loss for an explanation, one seems to think he is not sure what to do about me being depressed and himself also slipping back into being depressed. Another friend said she thinks he needs space and he's messed up in the head, and they both think he'll come around. I'm so very afraid of losing him. Which is so weird, because just a few weeks ago he was saying he was afraid of losing ME and said he wouldn't let anything come between us. I so badly wanted to see him when I told him I didn't, I guess I was hoping he'd come to his senses if he did want to break up. I keep having dreams about him, just had one this morning about him coming to break up with me but he didn't look anything like the guy I know. I also dreamt I saw him with another girl. I'm so hurt and frustrated, can anyone offer any insight? I would so appreciate it.

i have a feeling he might be scared to slip back into depression himself, or if it is seasonal depression it may have already started, depending on where you are in the world and what season it is there, cause my BF has the same and he depressed at the moment as well...maybe the texts you send him, though understandable, hurt him and made him only feel more guilty for knowing what he puts you through....i would leave him be for a little bit, see if he contacts you...or send him a text that you are worried about him and that you are there if he needs you, in the case he is depressed now this might be the best thing..

if he is also not on fb chances are his depression kicked in....don't get angry, won't accomplish anything, but dealing with depression, i know it is very hard when they get like that!

How old are you and how long have you been in this depressed like relationship?

I only ask because do you really want to commit to this type of relationship and dynamic? Where both parties seems to be dealing with internal issues?

Why put up with being ignored, and seem like having control via text message will solve anything. You send him a relationship request on FB and he ignores it, have you two even talked about boundaries? what you each want out of this relationship? How serious is this even?

I just don't get it...all you have done is talk about problems that each of you have and have together, instead of good things. I always think of the good and what I am getting, instead of what I am not...makes life easier so please elaborate.

How old are you and how long have you been in this depressed like relationship?

 

I only ask because do you really want to commit to this type of relationship and dynamic? Where both parties seems to be dealing with internal issues?

 

Why put up with being ignored, and seem like having control via text message will solve anything. You send him a relationship request on FB and he ignores it, have you two even talked about boundaries? what you each want out of this relationship? How serious is this even?

 

I just don't get it...all you have done is talk about problems that each of you have and have together, instead of good things. I always think of the good and what I am getting, instead of what I am not...makes life easier so please elaborate.

We are young, I'm 19 and he will be 21 soon. It's not our relationship that is depressed, he makes me so unbelievably happy and we discuss our future together. He's always told me [even more so recently] that I inspire him to be a better person. He's become very involved at school, brought his grades up from F's [he was failing before we met last fall] He's often the one that brings our future up. That's what upsets me so much right now, I keep thinking about how great everything was, and how things were last weekend compared to how they are now.

We've been together for almost 11 months, which isn't long but we are the closest person in each other's lives. I've never experienced depression before, so otherwise I don't have any internal issues, and his I have known about and love him so yes, I will be there for him.

I know the FB thing probably sounds rather petty. but he had our relationship up there before he deleted his FB, why would he not want everyone to know I'm his girl? I just don't understand the way he's been acting the past week.

I think you have a good point...I regret sending the texts but I just feel so hurt and I needed to remind him I still exist. Sometimes I think he's depressed and doesn't know what to say to me, or if he's all happy about the situation and isn't thinking about me at all. I know he is working all day today but I hope he asks to see me soon

i know how you feel, been there as well, i too have send those kind of texts to my BF when he was depressed, until he explained to me how he felt and what he was going through and really let me in inspite of his depression, which was a huge step forward for us, and it took time, now we are closer than ever and even though he is depressed now, he doesn't shut me out anymore cause he understands how i feel and also he still wants me in his life when he is like this, but again, that took time....he told me how those texts only made him feel worse, he was already depressed and feeling very low and then the guilt over what he did to me made it so much worse, but still he couldn't do anything about it at the time...it took a lot of talking and for him to open up to finally change things, so i know how you feel, but also if your bf is really depressed now, i kind of know how it is for him....

give him a bit of space now, don't send those texts right now and try to stay calm, believe in your relationship and give it the benefit of the doubt, unless you have reasons to think there is something else going on!

but i do agree with the other poster, you two are very young, we are in our thirties, are you sure you want all that drama? cause if this happens every year it will not change anytime soon and it will only get harder on you if the rest of the year it is fine and then bam he goes silent again, takes a lot to deal with that

He may feel unable to cope with his own depression, much less yours. He was accustomed to you being in the caregiver position, but not as someone who's positioned him to be as equally responsible for helping you. In other words, you changed the roles, and while he may have believed that he could deal with that, he's likely realized since that he can't.

UPDATE: he texted me back saying he does care but he's needed space. I told him he could've said that to me, and he turned it around and said "you haven't said anything to me either and said you didnt want to see me when I wanted to talk" I like how he turns to tables on me! He could have taken five minutes to say "hey, i need a few days" but I guess I'm supposed to be a mind reader. I'm hoping we can work this out, I'm tired of playing the guessing game.

well honestly i feel he has a point, now you do it again with another little sarcastic or at least a text blaming him for something.....if you keep reacting this way it will not go well, take it a bit easy and try to see his side as well instead of reacting like you are hurt....maybe he had some good reasons why he didn't come to your reading and he wanted to talk and explain his side, his feelings, let you in but you shut him down....try to see both sides....

We had a normal conversation, he asked about my weekend and whatnot. Then he just stopped replying. About an hour ago, he asked if he could come over when he gets off work, which is in an hour or so. I don't really know what to expect, I'm very nervous because I don't want to lose him. It's either that or he's coming to explain things and work things out...I hope..

He came over, I thought he was going to give me the break up shpeel, but instead he kissed me and was all happy and laughing with me like nothing happened. He told me he missed me, we hadn't seen each other for six days.

I finally said "we need to talk about what happened" and he cuddled up to me and kissed me like he knew he had done wrong. I told him he should have told me he needed space, and he agreed. He said that he was overwhelmed with my behavior recently and felt down when he hung out with me [i'd be depressed and snap and cause arguments] and said something about us being "comfortable." [since when is that a bad thing?] He told me he was planning on breaking up with me Thursday night, but since I told him I didn't want to see him it gave him more time to think and he changed his mind. I told him I don't understand why he seems to want to bail on me when things get a little rough, and that a lot of what's probably made him feel this way was because I wasn't acting like myself. He said this time he's trying to stick it out.

What hurts is that he said "I was thinking I didn't want to be with someone who is sad", considering I was always there for him through his depression which lasted several months. How could he be like that?

He also told me again that he feels himself getting more upset and becoming depressed again, so I'm not sure if this is playing a role in his thoughts. On one hand I'm happy we are together, but I'm still worried in the back of my mind that he will change it again. I love him so much, I just don't understand why he will get like this, then everything will be fine. Any advice?

He doesn't share your capabilities for supporting someone when he fears he's barely capable of managing his own problems. If you want to stay on good terms, you'll need to decide whether a continual egg shell walk is how you'll want to operate--because if you cross the line he's set up, he's not going to stick around.

You'll need to decide whether a fair weather lover is good enough for you, because if not, confrontation or voicing your expectations won't 'work' with this guy. He's telling you his limitations, and if you're willing to accept those without further demands, he might stick around--but if you want a more balanced give-and-take with someone who's willing to step into therapeutic shoes with you, he's not your guy.

No villains here, you just have competing needs. He wasn't prepared for that and isn't willing or necessarily able to accommodate the support role you had in mind for him. The fact that you could step into that role for him doesn't obligate him to trade places, and if that seems unfair to you, consider that this is why people hire therapists--so they won't attempt to put that role on a loved one.

As for 'comfortable,' it's only good when it doesn't lead to taking a partner for granted and coming out sideways in snipes and irritation. Nobody wants to be around someone who does that, no matter how healthy (or not) they may be. I'd consider whether I can manage my own depression with a therapist and keep it off his plate. That's why it's equally important for anyone with depression to consider whether they really even want to attempt a romantic relationship while in the thick of it--sometimes the two are incompatible.

You have a good point...even when he is down in the dumps he doesn't take it out on me, he always told me how much he loved and appreciated my support. I feel horrible that I've used him as my punching bag, I apologized to him but I hope it's not too late. I'm not sure how to go about handling communication with him now. I know he is still feeling uncertain about us right now although he is acting like he normally would with me. I want to text him and tell him I love him as usual, but I don't know if he needs more space.