Long term girlfriend suddenly broke up with me, weird context and circumstances

Hey all, I've been reading this forum for a little while and it seems like there are some really insightful people on here. Really hope you all can help me out. This is gonna be a really long one, but I'll try and shorten it wherever possible. Umm... I guess... get a cup of coffee, and bear with me?

If you want to just skip down to the end, I'll bold the part where the recent conflict starts.

So umm... I'll try and gloss over the context. I'm 19, she's just turned 20, and I've known her since high school, when we were about 14 or 15. Suffice it to say that from the first moment, I was enamored but obnoxious, we had short flings and then we both dated other people, and finally got it together right before the end of our senior year (I was 17, she was 18 ), had a wonderful summer, fell in love, decided to do long distance relationship. I'm in California, and she was going to school in Washington DC

It was rough, we covertly bought plane tickets so she could fly out and see me (neither her parents or mine were happy, but oh well). We stayed together, and after a semester in DC, she found a school that not only fit her needs better, but was actually about 20 minutes from where I ended up going to school. So we've been kind of far away from everyone else, and spending almost every day together, and I don't think either of us really minded, and neither was asking for space. We really did do everything together, so I have to imagine that she's feeling some 'phantom limb' stuff now too.

We had fights, and she's not especially good at confronting problems, and I tend to be a little gung-ho about it, but on the whole we stayed together and stayed happy. She's outgoing, but doesn't make friends easily, so most of her friends were my friends first, and she's become very close with both my family and my best friends' family, and our two families are very close to begin with. Their children are treated like family at our house, and I'm more or less an adopted son there. My then-girlfriend was in kind of the same boat, and my parents and three little sisters adore her.

She doesn't have a car, and her parents are very controlling, especially with respect to her performance in school, and when she needs to come see them (her dad is kind of a lunkhead and she has some pretty big issues with that). So when we go home (we lived within 30 minutes of each other in high school) on the weekends, she and I would often go straight to my parents house, which she ended up treating kind of like a haven from her parents, and she ended up being kind of a freeloader to my parents. My dad is a little bit OCD and shoots from the hip, so he was constantly getting on her case about leaving dirty dishes on the couch, and things like that. I tried to explain to her that he's just like that with me and my sisters also, but she wasn't really seeing it. Even so, he and my mom have made it clear to her (even post-breakup) that she's welcome at their house, and she's still basically regarded as family.

But lately I've had a class schedule that doesn't leave me free to drive down south until 9pm on fridays, and she's free at noon on thursdays. So for the last few weeks, she's been finding other ways to get back down south, leaving me up here alone. It was really hurting my self esteem, especially since we used to spend so much time together. She's kind of an 'i want it now' instant gratification type, so I basically tried to take deep breaths and bring it up when I had a chance.

Unbeknownst to me until monday, she and my dad had a pretty major altercation that I wasn't there to see, where she had slept over, and he asked her if she could do him a favor and take one of my sisters to school. She refused, and then spent the rest of the day there riding their horses (she's a talented and competetive horseback rider), ate dinner with them, and then she asked if she could borrow a car to go to the best friends' house. My dad refused to loan her a car based on her refusal to help him that morning, so he drove her over and dropped her there.

My best friends (two brothers) are great guys, the kind I'd trust with my life, but they're kind of do-nothings when they have free time and they kind of just end up inviting a bunch of people over to get drunk/high. I haven't exactly been comfortable with her going over there in participating in that, but I think it's mostly social for her, and I've never known her to drink to excess, and she and I are both firm non-smokers.

Augh, sorry, trying to make the long story short!

The best friends' mom started getting the same kind of treatment my parents were, where my ex-girlfriend would show up unannounced, sleep over, eat a few meals there, make a mess, and then leave again. (She's been doing that to her own parents for a long while too).

Okay this is the part where the actual conflict starts!

Last friday night, she told me she'd be at my house, and I should come straight from school to meet her there. I called the best friends to cancel on them, and they said "Oh, that's fine, we're just taking your girlfriend back to her house now".

Kind of bothered me, so I didn't sleep well that night, but I figured she wasn't being malicious and I'd see what was up in the morning.

I texted her, and apparently her mother had called her home so they could spend saturday shopping together. That's reasonable, and nothing I'd get mad about, though I do wish she'd communicated that to me instead of letting me find it out secondhand.

Here's where I started getting dumb. I figured while I was on the subject of her deserting me every thursday, (and keep in mind, I hadn't put any of the pieces together, so I was really in a foul mood, and feeling like I was low priority and unloved) I texted her asking why she was leaving earlier in the week, and if it was that I was boring and the nightlife my friends have was more exciting. She put a few of my wild accusations to rest, and then said she couldn't text anymore.

I ran some errands, with my dad and one of the brothers, and then the best friends' mom called to invite my whole family to dinner. We were near her house, so they both got excited about picking her up and bringing her with us. I wasn't super excited about it, since we'd been having kind of a rough time, but I texted her and she said she wanted to come.

I could already tell that something was weird between us, and it just kind of snowballed. We weren't touching as much, or looking at each other, which is kind of the norm for when there's something betwen us that we need to talk about.

So we got back to my house, and she did horse stuff, and I helped her out, and it was still weird, so I eventually asked her if we could talk about what happened. She got really quiet, and started taking really deep breaths, and didn't really say anything. By now I was really starting to freak out, so I started prompting her. "Do you not love me anymore?" "Are you going to break up with me?"

She stood there for a while, not looking at me, and eventually started trying to avoid it, saying she was tired, and felt gross, and I wasn't going for it, so I asked her if she could actually answer my question. She eventually sighed and said "Yes, I still love you, and no, I don't want to break up with you right now."

Qualifying that with "right now" really upset me, so I started swinging wild, saying that I shouldn't have come down that weekend at all, and I was obviously in her way, and basically making a mess of things. I don't remember the order it happened in, but she told me that she was going to go out and ride on the older best friend's motorcycle that night, and she hadn't told me because she figured I'd be upset based on that morning. I told her I was just going to drive back to my house, and she agreed, saying that I should take a break until monday. I have to admit, I was fishing, and what I really wanted was for her to say that she wanted me to stay, and put us first.

I was packing up my car, and she came out and stood there. I asked her one more time if she really wanted me to go, and she said that I had to decide what to do. I was still waiting to hear that she wanted me around, and I ended up asking her again "Do you still love me? Are you going to break up with me?" and she started crying and trying to kiss me (I stopped her the first few times, but then I gave in, and I kissed her, and told her how much I loved her) and she told me that of course she loved me, and this time she seemed shocked to hear that I really expected her to break up with me, and she reminded me that she moved accross the country for me, and wasn't about to break up with me. I asked if I could see her later that night, after she was done with the other thing, but she said no, and then offered up sunday as a compromise.

I agreed, and she left with my family. Eventually, my mom and my best friends' mom called me and got on my case, told me that she (the mom) had invited me over there as part of the family, and that was bigger and more important than whatever other little issue was going on.

They eventually browbeat me into going over, and I was trying very hard to keep it no-contact. Ate dinner away from her and my friends, didn't interact with her at all. Eventually I was explaining this story to their younger daughter, looking something up on the computer, and I realized my ex was standing in the doorway, and she said "I think the internet would be a lot faster at YOUR HOUSE."

And I really should have taken that hint and gone, but I was feeling bad, and I didn't want to be alone, so I stuck around and stayed out of her way. Eventually everyone went out to their garage to start drinking, and I went home.

I had heard nothing from her by 3pm Sunday, so I called her. She said "Hey, I was just about to call you." I asked her "Are you still going to come over?" and she said "Look, I'm really sorry, but the relationship isn't working, and I think it's better if we break up - (I might be remembering this wrong, but I think she said it - ) at least for a while. I still care about you, please don't do anything stupid."

So I drove home, and cried, and why why why'd, and talked to everyone, and I've spent the last couple days trying to piece it together.

The best friends mom heard about her drinking with my best friends and flipped her lid, said that it was the final straw, and that she was welcome to visit and have dinner with them, but not to stay over, and not go go out drinking with the best friends. She's mad at them about it in the first place, too. (The ex has no idea about this yet, so she's in for kind of a rude surprise if she tries to crash there thursday... )

I tried to contact her today, see if we could just talk about things in a neutral location, and she said "no. i will ignore any further communication with you for at least another week. this is way too soon". Which I guess is what I expected, and I suppose I don't feel worse for having tried.

And she's been badmouthing me to my/her? friends, saying things that are kind of heavy and untrue, ex. "He pressured me for sex". Sex was great, and always on her terms, if she said no, I stopped. She initiated the last two times we had it, and demanded to be on top (unusual for her) both times.

I'm trying to figure out where it leaves us. She's really torn up the lawn every place she was considered family, and clearly has some issues that she has to work through just to come to terms with herself and her role in other people's lives. I'm not faulting her for this - we're all human and all imperfect, and I didn't conduct myself like a gentleman at all.

I'm not really mad at her anymore, since I've kind of gotten over myself enough to see likely reasons she was doing what she was doing. I have a lot I'd like to apologize for, and I'd like to know what she's feeling right now.

I don't do passive aggressive. I'm not going to try and get to my friends first or something. I don't want to make people pick sides -- I hate that.

I still really love her, and even though I don't like the selfish and shallow attitude she's had lately, I think we had a fundamentally good relationship and I'd really like to save it.

I guess I start by giving her time to come and talk to me, but I'm really not sure what else to do. I'm trying not to do anything rash or impulsive, and I'm not going to contact her again until she comes to me, but I'd really like some insight into what else I may have mishandled, or what she's feeling, and whether I've screwed the pooch on this one.

If you actually read all of this, you're a saint. I really appreciate it.

Hey all I can say is you seem incredibly mature and logical and in control of your feelings, and although it seems really tough right now, you seem as if you're really going to handle this well. Giving her time is a good idea, I know this isn't the last you'll hear of her. All I can say is let her come to you and speak to you if she needs/wants to... Don't act needy or as if you're moping and missing her, she probably (definitely) wants that... Most girls want to be pined for so you know, you'll just be boosting her ego if you get all "why why why" on her...

Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders though, you will be totally fine, no matter what the outcome.

Take care

Hey Ineptitude01 i actually read everything and to me it seems that she is just to comfortable with your family and seems a bit spoiled but that only part of the case. you should of most definitely just stayed away. am going threw something similar but not really similar and i just know from it that women need there space they don't want to feel like there married calling them to much or having to call you and talking to you every single day or see you on a time to time bases is something that is done at the begging and is also know as the honeymoon phase and should not be done after a long period of time. but as for info on what you should do is focus on your studies and tell you parents to help you by not letting her come over because contact is the hardest thing in a break up i know they regard her as family but they should also make this easier for you. Just go along and do the break up thing i know you have heard this before if you love something let it go if it comes back it was meant to be.

Im sorry for you but just try your best love is a package and there is always gonna be pain in that package. Hopefully i helped.

I agree with above, you sound very level-headed and mature. You did unfortunately get a bit clingy at the end (most of us do!) and that's pushed her away. Even when your friend's Mom kept insisting you come over, that was awkward--and how ridiculous of her to get so territorial!--but would've been better to skip it altogether. You've pushed for meetings to talk about things and now you're better off just dropping it and going NC for a while.

Also, the way she's acted with your family and other families makes her sound very spoiled and selfish. Like she's not willing to be part of the team, just treats it like she's at a hotel (and ranch! - with all the horse riding does she ever contribute to the care of the horses?). Frankly she sounds inconsiderate and immature on a number of levels.

Sometimes when people try to escape a controlling environment they tend to just cling to the opposite without much thought. And in your case it almost seemed as though she liked the welcoming atmosphere and amenities of your family life more than she liked you personally? With leaving on Thursdays, etc instead of sometimes waiting for you. And then she started adopting your friends (!?!?!) and even became territorial about them. And now she's playing the victim card?

I think a period of NC would be especially beneficial for you because it will allow you to assess how much you really want her back if her behavior is going to be the same. Maybe it would do you a world of good to reclaim your friends and family for a while and experience life without her.

Just my two cents.

Good luck!

Well, I did read it. And to me, it sounds like this relationship collapsed under the weight of too much time spent attached to each other's hip, and you being quite clingy. I've highlighted some stuff that stuck out to me.

 

But lately I've had a class schedule that doesn't leave me free to drive down south until 9pm on fridays, and she's free at noon on thursdays. So for the last few weeks, she's been finding other ways to get back down south, leaving me up here alone. It was really hurting my self esteem, especially since we used to spend so much time together.

 

Being apart for 1 night is hurting your self esteem? That does not seem healthy at all.

 

My best friends (two brothers) are great guys, the kind I'd trust with my life, but they're kind of do-nothings when they have free time and they kind of just end up inviting a bunch of people over to get drunk/high. I haven't exactly been comfortable with her going over there in participating in that, but I think it's mostly social for her, and I've never known her to drink to excess, and she and I are both firm non-smokers.

Why aren’t you comfortable with her hanging out with a bunch of people her age- 2 of whom are people you would trust with your life?

 

I texted her, and apparently her mother had called her home so they could spend saturday shopping together. That's reasonable, and nothing I'd get mad about, though I do wish she'd communicated that to me instead of letting me find it out secondhand.

I would hope that a girl spending some time with her mom isn’t something you’d “get mad about”, but the fact that you even have to mention it makes me think there are a lot of other things you do “get mad about.” How did you find this out anyway? When you couldn't immediately get in touch with her, did you start calling around looking for her?

I don't think you're a bad person, or were a terrible boyfriend, but I think you need to give this girl a ton of space right now. Don't initiate any types of conversations about the relationship. Give her time and some space.

Well, I did read it. And to me, it sounds like this relationship collapsed under the weight of too much time spent attached to each other's hip, and you being quite clingy. I've highlighted some stuff that stuck out to me.

 

Being apart for 1 night is hurting your self esteem? That does not seem healthy at all.

Oops. I think I could have phrased it better. It wasn't that I wouldn't see her for one night - she'd leave and stop for nothing thursday afternoon, make vague plans to see me sometime during the weekend, blow me off, and then show up sometime late on sunday, ready for a ride back up to school. I was starting to feel a little used - like she was only hanging out with me during the week because she didn't have access to other friends up here (truthfully I don't either). It sounds kind of ridiculous now, but that was what I was thinking.

Why aren’t you comfortable with her hanging out with a bunch of people her age- 2 of whom are people you would trust with your life?

Ah. I think it was one part jealousy a la "Those are MY friends too!", and one part... hrm. They're both good guys, and I'd bet my life on them never trying to hook up with her or take advantage of her, but I'm usually the voice of reason in that group - Telling them not to go drive places after they're completely drunk, that sort of thing. We're all three kind of 'fast-car-show-off-in-the-mountains' types of people, but I won't touch my car if I've had anything to drink, and they aren't so discriminating. I just had bad images of all of them dead in a ravine somewhere, and it was kind of freaking me out. So I trust them, but they're kind of dumb about their choices?

I would hope that a girl spending some time with her mom isn’t something you’d “get mad about”, but the fact that you even have to mention it makes me think there are a lot of other things you do “get mad about.” How did you find this out anyway? When you couldn't immediately get in touch with her, did you start calling around looking for her?

I don't mind at all that she was spending time with her mom - I think it was a good thing, since she's often not on good terms with her family. She told me in her text message saturday morning what had happened. I was upset that she said she was going to be somewhere, and then she wasn't (it's also been an especially big deal for her that I always do what I say; apparently it was a problem with her first long term relationship)

Oh, and WockaWocka - Thanks for your insight. The horses are ironically an area where she puts in a lot of effort. To me, that's kind of another bummer in this whole situation. I don't want her to stop riding horses because it went bad with me, but I don't really want to see her anymore until she's got her head on straight about how to treat the people that love her.

Again, thanks to everyone that read.

but I don't really want to see her anymore until she's got her head on straight about how to treat the people that love her.

 

I think if you have that attitude, that this is all her fault, and she needs to "learn how to treat people who love her" then this is not going to get fixed. You have blown off or ignored all the comments about you being very clingy and stifling. You need to take a hard look at your actions- which seem very much driven by insecurity & jealousy.

I think if you have that attitude, that this is all her fault, and she needs to "learn how to treat people who love her" then this is not going to get fixed. You have blown off or ignored all the comments about you being very clingy and stifling. You need to take a hard look at your actions- which seem very much driven by insecurity & jealousy.

I didn't read much clingyness. I think he acted reasonable. A disclaimer that I read the novel this morning and am responding now hours later, but she sounded to me a bit selfish and spoiled. Leaving dishes on the couch in your host's home is ridiculous! And not doing your dad a favor and giving his daughter a ride?! Manners would dictate she should offer to CLEAN everyone's dishes to thank them for their hospitality. I always would help cook and clean when I stayed at my ex's parents. I'd even buy groceries sometimes. I'd sail with her dad over the summer and I'd help him wax the boat in the spring and pack it up when it was pulled out in the fall (not at all easy jobs). No offense dude, but she sounds really selfish and spoiled. She doesn't appreciate anyone. Not you or your family and that is a HUGE red flag!!!

I'd go NC for sure to give her the space she wants but I'm hoping that you take the time to really think if this girl is worth it. You're in college and this is a high school girl. It sounds like you haven't ventured out at college to make many friends. This sounds like the prime opportunity for you to do that. If she comes back, which she probably will, I hope you think about it first.

I was hung up on a high school girl my freshman and sophomore years of college too. Then I woke up. I could not be happier I moved on. She was not at all the right girl for me. I have experienced so much more and learned about what I really am looking for to make me happy. Odds are you didn't meet the right girl when you were 16.

You're right. It's an uncomfortable truth, but also something I really need to work on. I think it's something I didn't even see happening when I was doing it. Going NC has been predictably very hard for me, but I have her blocked on AIM and won't let myself look at her facebook. For what it's worth, I haven't asked anyone how she's doing or what she's up to or what she's thinking. Trying to draw the line hard here.

I'm planning to spend the weekend with my friends and family, and take things as they come. I have a lot of fun things planned, and I think I'm going to be able to get a lot done on my personal projects (car stuff, outside, and makes me feel active

Is there anything else I can be doing now to work on being clingy and dependent? I'm guessing strict NC is a good start.

EDIT: I wrote this before Kevo posted, in response to Jenny. I've been talking a lot with another friend who is removed from the situation, and a pretty smart guy. He's constantly stressing that the way he sees it, we're both dumb, and we both screwed up different things.

No offense dude, but she sounds really selfish and spoiled. She doesn't appreciate anyone. Not you or your family and that is a HUGE red flag!!!

 

I'd go NC for sure to give her the space she wants but I'm hoping that you take the time to really think if this girl is worth it. You're in college and this is a high school girl. It sounds like you haven't ventured out at college to make many friends. This sounds like the prime opportunity for you to do that. If she comes back, which she probably will, I hope you think about it first.

Couldn't agree more! I imagine your parents must be breathing a sigh of relief that she's away from the house this weekend. In any case, the biggest issue I see here is how much you still want her back despite her rude behavior, especially becoming territorial with your friends--to me that's a bright red line. They're your friends! She can be friends with them too, but to criticize you for going over when you were invited? (Granted, it would have been better if you'd begged off altogether, but that's neither here nor there).

I imagine in retrospect you can see the signs she's been pulling away for a while--leaving on Thurs then avoiding you on weekends, more taking than giving with respect to your family + being a guest, etc. She may have been feeling like she needed her space for a while now. (Not that she did a great job of expressing it, but..)

People on ENA have been recommending the book "Uncoupling." They say it gives them really good perspective on the ways in which their partner was pulling away early on.

I also just want to highlight what Kevo said about you being in college now with great opportunities to meet a new network of friends. I'm much closer to college friends than to HS friends. You tend to meet people more based on interests, personality, etc rather than just on living in the same town.

Would you ever consider spending the weekend at college to socialize with people, or is it mostly a commuter campus?

I think acquiring a new set of college friends could help you weather this storm, improve your self-esteem, help you meet people with more career ambitions than drinking and getting high (sometimes anyway and maybe even expose you to other girls you'd be interested in. Is definitely worth trying!

Good luck, keep your chin up, and think how you want to handle it if she comes back to talk--she's handled the breakup in a very immature way by spreading rumors about you, so I wouldn't try hard to get her back nor welcome her with open arms when she comes sniffing around for opportunities.

Update

My mom just called me to let me know that she emailed my ex this morning. My mom said that she had the situation handled when my dad was asking the girlfriend to drive, and my mom feels bad for not stepping in and defending her. Apparently she asked for my mom's help dealing with my dad and my mom didn't want to take sides. My mom also said that she let her know what her thoughts were about her attitude, and also the thoughts of the friends mom, who feels like she was in a horrible situation, and has kind of thrown up her hands at this point. My mom was emphatic that my ex needed to stop being high and mighty, and come to terms with her obligations as a guest in someone's house, but also said that she told her (the ex gf) that she still needed her help with the horse, and still loved her, even though she was being dumb.

I kinda take some of that with a grain of salt, since my mom is clearly pretty biased towards me, and I was kind of surprised by all this, since I didn't ask for it, but it makes sense that the involved parents have a stake in this too. My mom said that she kept everything we've discussed in confidence, and this was her thoughts only.

What a weird situation.

If my ex responds to my mom, I think I'm gonna request not to hear the details as per my NC agreement.

My mom was emphatic that my ex needed to stop being high and mighty, and come to terms with her obligations as a guest in someone's house, but also said that she told her (the ex gf) that she still needed her help with the horse, and still loved her, even though she was being dumb.

 

....

 

If my ex responds to my mom, I think I'm gonna request not to hear the details as per my NC agreement.

Yep. I'd ask your Mom to keep all communications between her and the ex confidential, and I'd also ask her to make sure your ex only comes over when you're not around, or at the very least you get a heads up in advance so you can leave.

How weird. But glad your ex is finally hearing what an inconsiderate guest she is,

Couldn't agree more! I imagine your parents must be breathing a sigh of relief that she's away from the house this weekend. In any case, the biggest issue I see here is how much you still want her back despite her rude behavior, especially becoming territorial with your friends--to me that's a bright red line. They're your friends!

I'm not sure whether to agree or disagree. My dad is kind of the "Stand your ground" type, and my mom is trying too hard to make everything okay. I can kind of understand getting territorial about my friends, looking back. If she had a lot of girlfriends that she could go out and have fun with, I'd say that was perfect, and a good way for her to spend time with people and have fun without it being complicated, but since her group of friends are really based on mine... I'm not so sure? I'd imagine she still likes to have fun and not have me there all the time, just like I sometimes like to go hang out with the guys in SF and play video games until 3am.

I don't think she's a fundamentally bad person, but her inability to confront anyone about anything or really communicate her wishes really muddied the water on this. If I thought she were trying to hurt me, or 'steal' my friends, I'd be right with you, but I think she's just looking for the same outlets any of us look for in a relationship? I might be way off base with that.

I imagine in retrospect you can see the signs she's been pulling away for a while--leaving on Thurs then avoiding you on weekends, more taking than giving with respect to your family + being a guest, etc. She may have been feeling like she needed her space for a while now. (Not that she did a great job of expressing it, but..)

 

I also just want to highlight what Kevo said about you being in college now with great opportunities to meet a new network of friends. I'm much closer to college friends than to HS friends. You tend to meet people more based on interests, personality, etc rather than just on living in the same town.

 

Would you ever consider spending the weekend at college to socialize with people, or is it mostly a commuter campus?

I went to one of the smallest high schools you could ever imagine. At its peak, it was 400 kids, 100 in each class, and we were the 2nd and 3rd classes, respectively. It was a very tight knit group, and we all keep in contact now. All of my friends are sprinkled around the Bay, so I've mostly stayed in contact with them.

My college is weird too. It's a super intensive school - compressing 4 years of college classes into 2.5 years, so I'm at school a lot, and I have a lot of work to do when I'm there. The rapid pace means that we switch classes every 5 weeks, and the classes are small and at odd hours, so it's difficult to pick up a friendship with someone when they're going to be off doing something different in 5 weeks, and be busy at totally different hours than you are. I've made a few friends, and I go over and hang out with them sometimes, but it's still kind of a strain, and nobody at the school seems to try super hard.

Lots of people are local, and go home on the weekends anyways.

Anyway, I think acquiring a new set of friends could help you weather this storm, improve your self-esteem, maybe even expose you to other girls you'd be interested in. Is definitely worth trying!

I think that would be great too. Not gonna meet them through my school, though... It's a heavy emphasis on computer animation, video game art and design (my major) and sound recording. You rarely meet people outside your major, and the school is something insane like 97% male. In all my classes so far, in total, there have been 4 girls. @___@

Good luck, keep your chin up, and think how you want to handle it if she comes back to talk--she's handled the breakup in a very immature way by spreading rumors about you. Yikes.

Thanks for the good wishes. I was thinking today how much less dramatic and intense this has been than some of the fights we used to have in high school! There were some real knock-down dragouts that lasted for months! We always went back to being friends, and were somehow never able to leave it there.

I agree that she's been immature, and she's clearly said a lot of things out of hurt and anger (venting?). I'm kind of mad about it, but every time I think about it, I can't stop thinking that her issues are bigger than just me, and it's hard to take it super personally. I feel kinda like the strawman right now. Who knows what she may eventually say if and when she comes back to talk.

If she comes back to talk, I'm not sure what I'm going to say to her. There's a lot that we both need to own up to, and I think we need to take a hard look at whether this is really able to work out between us. All I can hope is that she's gained some insight and perspective of her own, I guess?

I'm not really feeling as hurt or angry today for some reason.

Update:

No class thurs or fri, so I'm about to go home. I told my mom not to tell me anything that got said in the email, which she read as 'summarize briefly'.

Mom said:

"She apologized for her behavior at dinner, thanked me for my email, said nothing deep"

I'm not really interested in analyzing it right now, but it does sound like she's starting to own up a little bit. Gonna tell my mom to really not tell me anything if she's gonna talk to her.

Here's hoping my weekend will be the 'No surprises' kind.

Ugggghhhh.

If you guys were trying to help me quit smoking and I had a cigarette on the sly, I'd pretty much have to own up to it, huh?

I was packing up to go home last night, and mindlessly grabbing fistfuls of dirty clothes out of my hamper and putting them into the laundry bag, when I realized that I was holding a handful of her underwear.

I was surprised, but I calmed myself down and put them in the bag with the rest of my clothes.

I came straight back to my best friends' house, since he and I were ostensibly doing something early in the morning... He wasn't back yet, so I ended up sitting around a while... And then I noticed that there was a pile of her shirts under the bed.

Long story short, I couldn't stop myself from smelling them, and I'm now thoroughly disappointed in myself, and more than a little ashamed. Predictably, it didn't make me feel better.

I'm feeling okay now, but I didn't make last night easy for myself. Just thought I'd own up in the interest of letting you guys admonish me.

I came straight back to my best friends' house, since he and I were ostensibly doing something early in the morning... He wasn't back yet, so I ended up sitting around a while... And then I noticed that there was a pile of her shirts under the bed.

 

Long story short, I couldn't stop myself from smelling them, and I'm now thoroughly disappointed in myself, and more than a little ashamed. Predictably, it didn't make me feel better.

 

I'm feeling okay now, but I didn't make last night easy for myself. Just thought I'd own up in the interest of letting you guys admonish me.

 

I wouldn't admonish you unless you begged her to take you back or something! You're human. You have emotions. It's normal.

 

But _her_ shirts were under _his_ bed??? Do you suspect maybe they've been sleeping together? It sounds like your friends don't hold their liquor very well, so maybe after getting drunk and high together one thing led to another?

Errrrgh, I should have explained that better! Just realized how it sounded. :S

My best friends have a bunk bed that they've shared since they were like... 5. The younger brother was my best friend in high school, and he's off at college right now. He comes back some weekends, but when he doesn't, my ex was changing the sheets in the lower bunk and sleeping there. Otherwise, she slept in the guest room. I mean, it's the same thing I do when I'm staying over here.

In any case... I've known these guys since forever, and I never got even the slightest sense that they were ever interested in my ex. They treat her more like a little sister than anything. I asked them about it anyways (individually), since I wanted to make sure it wasn't the case, and both of them looked at me like I was nuts. They're both pretty gunshy about dating and girls in the first place, and I think they actually both said to me, unironically, "Dude! Bros before hos!"

I also talked to their mom last night, and she said she really wants nothing more to do with this whole situation. Doesn't want her over here this weekend, etc. I've sort of heard the same thing from both brothers. I think it's tough to be in the middle on one of these things, and neither of them is especially emotionally intelligent.

So how did things work out for you?

Oh wow. I completely forgot about this thread. Like other members suggested, I've mostly been focusing on my own life, and reconnecting with all my old friends, and working to connect better with new ones at my college to try and cement my life more solidly in East Bay.

As far as what happened between me and my ex... Basically, * * * * wasn't done hitting the fan, I guess. And haha, you guys were right, I was wrong.

Turns out she WAS sleeping with the older brother, from about a week after she and I broke up to about two weeks later when I found out. Then there was a lot of crying, and "I'm such an idiot", etc.

But, since nothing like this is ever easy or straightforward, I was ALSO sneaking around behind everyone's back and sleeping with the brothers' 17-year-old sister.

So everyone is really a good person, seems like. (Sarcasm)

Where it stands now, the ex and I still see each other often, and it seems like the only thing that really saved anything is that we had an 'eye for an eye' situation without even realizing it. There has obviously been a major abuse of trust here, for... well, everyone. Calling my ex-best friends' mom to explain why she wasn't seeing me or my ex at her house anymore was... not fun, but something that I had to do, I guess.

My ex is in therapy now, and I'm learning to be more careful with who I trust. I'm not sure anymore what I want from her or where things are headed, so she and I have agreed for the time being that there will be no one else - for either of us. We aren't officially anything, and there are no promises. We're just going to have to feel it out and see where it ends up. I've made clear to her that if we're going to be together eventually, I see it turning into a relationship, but I am definitely not ready to jump back into that yet, and neither is she.

I'm obviously a very forgiving person, but I know I'm going to have to decide if she's really someone I want to give more of my time and energy to in the future. Our dynamic has changed, and general interaction between us has been better than at any other time I can remember, but there's still a lot left to prove on both sides of this.

There have been a LOT of fights, and a lot of yelling, but it's been productive, and I've felt like we were able to make headway on issues that would have been total roadblocks before.

There's obviously still a lot of affection and attraction between us, but it's going to take time to see if we can get over the things still holding us back - obviously what she did to me was awful, and still hurts, and she has a lot of insecurities and hang ups that have to do with how I treated her in our relationship. (The further I get from emotional Ground Zero on this, the more I'm able to understand that this isn't just something she did to me out of the blue all of a sudden, it's a situation that she and I both contributed to, and there were times when I blew her off or ignored her or demanded things that were unfair, and I was wrong in a lot of ways too)

As far as things I've learned that should be taken to heart by anyone who's reading this and relating right now...

Do NOT let everything be on her terms. Even if it seems like she'll leave, or hate you. You HAVE to have a balance there. If you don't have one, and can't have one, it's NOT WORTH IT. WALK AWAY.

Find value in your life AWAY from the girl (or boy). I fixed my motorcycle and learned to ride it. I saw people I haven't seen since elementary school. If you can't be a whole person without them, that's an issue you have to fix FIRST. And once you get that... you'll stop needing them so much, and you'll be able to look at it a lot less emotionally.

I don't know if I would call this a success story or not, but since I feel like I'm living the life I want to live on my terms, I can feel like I got something important out of it, even if it wasn't the relationship I thought I wanted.