About the letting go of the anger thing - I can't

Seriously I need more help with this, someone must know or been told how to get rid of the anger inside that boils and boils.

Here is the thing that I remembered today that is making my blood go

See last post

I feel blamed for everything by him and his family, I feel like I have been done a severve injustice and I want my day in court so to speak.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Hi there bubblyblonde,

I am suffering from the same issue, I was able to let go many other things, such as depression, self blame etc but I still can not let the anger go. I did talk to a professional about it, and what he said made sense to me. Applying what he said to your case, I would say that:

"You have a right to be angry, at the end, someone hurt you and abondoned you. He lied many times and was disrespectful. Even if it was an amicable break-up (which yours wasn't), anger is still normal because someone made a conscious decision to break your heart. Anger is actually a defense mechanism, it will help you detach from someone who was once important in your life. And if you look at it, I think anger helped you during your healing. You maintained NC much easier than the others, because you were angry and did not even want to hear his voice. You pushed yourself at the gym, because you were angry and you re-directed your anger to something constructive. I guess what I am trying to say is that accept that anger is normal. Don't beat yourself for being angry. Anger is necessary for healing and detaching, even if objectively it is not justified. In your case, the anger is 100% justified. Just acknowledge it, and realize that it really helped you. It helped you maintain NC, it helped you to improve yourself, because you did not run after revenge but you just redirected it to more productive activities such as exercising. You did the right thing by acknowledging it but not acting on it, and just keep doing what you are doing. It will decrease as time progresses and one day your anger will be replaced with feeling sorry for the loser who mistreated you and made the biggest mistake of his life. It will go away"

My best wishes

If you feel like there were things that went unsaid that you feel he needs to hear, you have a right to voice that. I did that (2 months later) and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. The key is to not be accusatory (I admit, I slipped a bit in the heat of the moment), but I think the honest feelings will shine through if you are voicing what's inside and not what you see in him.

Also (I just posted this in muylinda's thread about trust, so I'm going to sound like a broken record), read "Bonds That Make Us Free", which you can read for free online. Google it and click on the Meridian Magazine link. It's about forgiveness and acceptance from within and recognizing that anger, distrust and insecurities are "dishonest" feelings. It gave me peace of mind and a new openness I'd never felt before.

Anger!! You have to do the opposite... Humor.. Read some jokes.. Watch a comedy movie..

As said earlier, accept the anger. Forgive them..

Anger is 100% natural...however, it can also be a VERY destructive force in your life. I recently went through a bout where i was very angry and sad every day...for things that happened recently as well as things that happened years ago. It was making me physically ill...i still havent' found the perfect way to let it all go but i am much better. I wrote a letter to myself about all the things that i was mad at...the poeple who'd hurt me, the things i'd done that i was mad at myself for...and then?..i burned it. A certain sense of relief occurred when i watched it burn...a weight was lifted. Although others may not always understand...hell...we may not always understand ourselves, we do need to eventually let go of it.

When a man hurts you, of course you are going to be angry...as you shoudl be, but life will not be fun again until you at least let the hate go. Can you forget it?...probably not...don't think you should really. Learn from our mistakes and from the ones done to us, but letting it control your life is never good. Towards the man?...hold onto the anger for as long as you need to...to heal and get on with life...then...let it go...not the memory of it...just the searing pain that burns your heart when you think of it and him.

The release of anger i think is a life long battle...one that is never truly won.

Good luck...

I think you need to focus on your choice to be angry - perhaps because it gives you an excuse not to move on? I understand that you feel wronged but also consider that you chose to get involved with this man, chose to go with your smitten feelings and perhaps ignore certain signs and as far as his family - what particular obligations did his family have towards you?

I would write out all the things you would love to say to him - in long hand, not on the computer, and then rip it up once you've vented. I doubt you will get an apology from him not because he is evil but from everything you've shared about the relationship.

And, please focus on the benefits you got from this relationship and the risks you chose to take in order to get those benefits.

good luck.

Thank you I think I am going to try this, as I cannot see anypoint of sending one to him although that would make me feel better but I don't want to give him the satisfaction knowing it still bothers me.

Good thing is, its winding me up but it isn't getting me down or upset just like I said the blood is boiling.

Anger is an emotion designed for people/animals in subordinate positions to give them the energy to overcome their circumstances.

Anger implies you are a victim.

Anger can be an anti-depressant and addictive. Chronic anger will dehiblitate you mentally, emotionally, and physically...

I think i know the exact type of anger you mean.I'm almost completely over her but there is something about her and the situation that just riles me right up. hmmm will try suss it out- let u know what i come up with

I read your post, and i can understand feeling anger. I feel that in time, you will feel less anger. Once you completely internalize that they are the ones out of line, I think your anger will die down. You even said that it was easy for someone to blame another. It is just hard because you spent a lot of time trying to do what was best for your ex and your ex's family. They are doing you wrong now, and it is taking time to adjust. This is completely normal!!! your feelings are ok! and i promise that it will pass in time. Just like we cant force ourselves out of depression, we cant force forgiveness either. Itll come! I promise!!

I not blaming them for what happened (his family esp Mum) but to say such things to me when it was clear that she made no effort to get to know me AT ALL, yet I got the blame even for them not seeing him enough, yet they hardly ever came down here his Mum never while we were together or invited US up there. GGGGRRRRR

So not my fault at all.

I know I really shouldn't care what they think now.

But I have always cared what everyone thinks about me, regardless of whom and it plays on my mind.

And I DO NOT like being blamed for things that are not my fault, as I am and have always been good enough person to apologise for my mistakes and wrongs.

I have no idea why it is important that an ex's family, whom you only dated seven months, should be in contact with you or be there for you.

Now if you were married to the guy and becamse good friends with inlaws that is different. But why are you so upset about his mother not wanting to go somewhere with you? He is out of your life, she should be as well. Does it really help your pain to call her a ****** cow because she said she would rather not go on that certain outing?

I guess I understand still being hurt over this, but the anger you have to me seems out of place. I agree 110% with what Batya has told you. You chose to be in a relationship with this man and you now are "choosing" to hang onto your anger. I must ask as she did if it is a way to hang onto him. By hanging onto the anger you are in essense not letting go of him or this breakup.

His family has zero obligations to you, so that is very surprising to me that you are so angry over his mother saying that an outing was not her cup of tea. I find her to not be in the wrong here, and the calling her such horrific names is doing nothing but keeping you in this negative black cloud you are living in.

As Batya said, your anger seems misappropriated because you chose willingly to have a romantic involvement with this man ignoring what must have been some warning signs that were surely there. You chose to go with smitten feelings.

People break up all the time. It hurts, but your anger and the way you continue to backslide into such venoumous anger and over thigns that are not worth this kind of anger is really indicative that you might need to see a counselor. I can't remember if you said you were or not. I am not trying to make light of your pain, but a seven month relationship ending should not continue to cause such venom in you like this. Fron what I gather you and the ex got on hot and heavy very quickly....you did not take the time before falling headfirst to see if you were compatible or if you really even knew what he was like or how he would be as a serious boyfriend. You do bear some of the onus on jumping in too soon, and the very best thing you can do is move forward and see this as a good lesson for the future. That is what people must do in break ups lest they get lost in a sea of unhealthy anger. Basically you didn't know if he had the potential to be a faithful longterm boyfriend, but you expected that out of him anyway. You were probably tryign to squeeze blood out of a turnip. Not everyone has the potential to be faithful and committed in a longterm relationship...he obviously was not capable of anything more than a whirlwind honeymoon phase. Hating him for this is only going to keep you locked in this dungeon of misery.

Why not look forward in a positive manner knowing that you realize now that you cannot go headfirst into a relationship wthi a man you met online whom you do not know all that well. This is a very valuable lesson and looking at it that way doesn't make the time spent with him a total disaster because you learned something from it.

I know you are asking how to let the anger go, but there are not magic formulas. You make the conscience decision to harp on this negative energy. Your mind cannot focus on a positive thought or a negative thought at the same time, thereforeeee as soon as this nonsense creeps up if you replace it with better thoughts it will abate.

I honestly think the journal writing down the negative and angry feelings was good that first week or two after your break up, but going on a couple of months after it I think it might be hindering you, because that journal is now becoming a nurturing tool to this anger vs you not letting it in your head.

Writing one last letter and getting it all out, then tearing it up is your best bet. But continuing to give into this anger by constantly writing nasty words about your ex and his family in a journal in my opinion has long exceeded its ability to be therapeutic and is only coddling the anger and giving it room to live.

Lastly, WHO CARES if his family blames you for the break up of the relationship? Why on earth do you give them so much creedence? It is not important that they believe you ...

That is part of the issue..you need to let it go. Families often stick together, and in break ups a parent almost always take their kids side. Its not a big deal. You don't owe them a thing, nor vice versa.

My ex's mother, whom i was even close to, took his side during our divorce even tho it was plain as day who was the cause of most of our issues. Even tho it stung a little that she did that (we were close for years and years, not a few months) i realized that this was her son and naturally she is going to take his side because she had to continue to see him day to day and she loves her kid.

What is better for you in terms of healing - allowing yourself to dwell on your belief that you were wronged/were the victim, or redirecting the energy you are spending on anger to something more productive? Your state of mind is a great way to keep the status quo, stay stagnant, and eventually, impact your friendships because it's hard to be around an angry person where the angry person has a choice to re-direct that energy. My guess is in time and with the perspective that time brings you will see where you chose not to listen to or see certain red flags because of your strong feelings. happens to the best of us.

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I have no idea why it is important that an ex's family, whom you only dated seven months, should be in contact with you or be there for you.

 

Sorry but your putting a time limit on a relationship, things sometimes happen quickly this one did, as an example my best friend met her fella while we were on holiday in May 2002 well by July 2002 they were married.

 

What I am saying about his mum, she said that I should have let her get to know me better, yet this lady made no attepmts to make me welcome or make any effort and yet I did????

 

Now if you were married to the guy and becamse good friends with inlaws that is different. But why are you so upset about his mother not wanting to go somewhere with you? He is out of your life, she should be as well.

 

I guess I understand still being hurt over this, but the anger you have to me seems out of place. I agree 110% with what Batya has told you. You chose to be in a relationship with this man and you now are "choosing" to hang onto your anger. I must ask as she did if it is a way to hang onto him. By hanging onto the anger you are in essense not letting go of him or this breakup.

 

i don't want to hold onto the anger hence why I am asking for advice about HOW do I get rid of it. It isn't as easy as just flushing a poo down the toilet for me, might be for you but we are all different.

 

His family has zero obligations to you, so that is very surprising to me that you are so angry over his mother saying that an outing was not her cup of tea. I find her to not be in the wrong here, and the calling her such horrific names is doing nothing but keeping you in this negative black cloud you are living in.

 

As Batya said, your anger seems misappropriated because you chose willingly to have a romantic involvement with this man ignoring what must have been some warning signs that were surely there. You chose to go with smitten feelings.

 

I didn;t choose to ignore the warning signs I chose to try and work through, like it is as black and white as that when you are in a relationship

 

People break up all the time. It hurts, but your anger and the way you continue to backslide into such venoumous anger and over thigns that are not worth this kind of anger is really indicative that you might need to see a counselor. I can't remember if you said you were or not. I am not trying to make light of your pain, but a seven month relationship ending should not continue to cause such venom in you like this.

 

You keep saying 7months, you cannot put a time limit on feelings and love, sorry you are wrong. I gave him everything I had all my love heart and soul, because thats who I am, I love totally time has sweet FA to do with it.

 

I know you are asking how to let the anger go, but there are not magic formulas. You make the conscience decision to harp on this negative energy. Your mind cannot focus on a positive thought or a negative thought at the same time, thereforeeee as soon as this nonsense creeps up if you replace it with better thoughts it will abate.

 

I honestly think the journal writing down the negative and angry feelings was good that first week or two after your break up, but going on a couple of months after it I think it might be hindering you, because that journal is now becoming a nurturing tool to this anger vs you not letting it in your head.

 

I have a long journal on here and yet it helps, as will the advice about writing a letter and burning it.

 

Writing one last letter and getting it all out, then tearing it up is your best bet. But continuing to give into this anger by constantly writing nasty words about your ex and his family in a journal in my opinion has long exceeded its ability to be therapeutic and is only coddling the anger and giving it room to live.[/

 

Sorry about the large font.

Thanks for upsetting me and dismissing my feelings.

Hope your happy you have made me cry.

I'm leaving.

What is better for you in terms of healing - allowing yourself to dwell on your belief that you were wronged/were the victim, or redirecting the energy you are spending on anger to something more productive? Your state of mind is a great way to keep the status quo, stay stagnant, and eventually, impact your friendships because it's hard to be around an angry person where the angry person has a choice to re-direct that energy. My guess is in time and with the perspective that time brings you will see where you chose not to listen to or see certain red flags because of your strong feelings. happens to the best of us.

Thank you, yes thats what one has been trying to do with getting down the gym, working hard at work, etc just every now and again it bites me.

i don't want to hold onto the anger hence why I am asking for advice about HOW do I get rid of it. It isn't as easy as just flushing a poo down the toilet for me, might be for you but we are all different.

No one said it was easy, but you and only you are giving room in your mind for these negative and angry thoughts.

You keep saying 7months, you cannot put a time limit on feelings and love, sorry you are wrong. I gave him everything I had all my love heart and soul, because thats who I am, I love totally time has sweet FA to do with it.

YOu are not hearing what is being said by several here - it was you who chose to give him your heart and soul. You did not know him very long before you took a big plunge. What we are saying is all is not lost because you have learned valuable lessons for the future. NO ONE is saying that the break up did not hurt. I am sure it did. All break ups hurt. They suck. But this learning experience CAN be a positive experience if you look at it in that perspective.

You have to know that continuing to call him and his family nasty names and holding onto the anger is damaging. YOu asked how to let it go, and the ONLY way to let it go is everytime it pops into your head you force yourself to think of something more positive. There is no easier method than that. The only other thing you can do is wait it out as in time. Time heals all wounds...but I sensed that you wanted to get on with this sooner vs later.

Hope your happy you have made me cry.

I would expect this reaction from a 14 year old. You are a grown woman. If this makes you cry because I am trying to help that is your decision. If this honestly (what i said) would make you cry and leave then maybe you need to work on bucking up. And before you get angry with me, maybe you are unable to heal from this break up beacuse you need to find some strength within. All of these emotions are intertwined. ONe of the best things you can do for yourself right now is become a stronger person. I sense some weakness and I will tell you like i was told when I was in my 20s .... no one will ever love you or take care of you like you. Since you are in your 30s no better time than the present to work on being stronger and not allowing what other people say to you to make you break down. You are doing with me what you are doing with his family - Bubbly, what they think of you should not matter if you have your esteem and inner strength in the right place.

The words written here could very well help you. You are free to completely dismiss it. But to say you are crying and leaving, well nothing I have said warrants that and is kind of babyish. Maybe you are only looking for people to agree iwth you and not give you their honest assessment of what might help. Fine. Bubbly you are entitled to this anger and how dare he hurt you. Is that better? DOes that really help?

I have said nothing mean or hurtful, but jsut because I cannot see it in my way to say that yes, bubbly, this anger is healthy and you have every right to still keep calling him and his family names does not mean my intentions are not good.

No one is dismissing your feelings, just questioning your continuing reactions to your feelings.

and yes you can put a time limit as far as whether the reactive behavior is within a reasonable range. a 7 month dating relationship is nothing like a 7 year marriage, which typically involves children, property, finances, family relationships with inlaws over a long period of time, etc etc. Sure the feelings might be intense but because it was only 7 months you are not in the same situation as someone who spent 7 years of a marriage with someone - you are lucky because you didn't share finances, property, children, etc with this man. That all helps in the healing process.

A close friend of mine was married 20 years, several children. In addition to the loss of a marriage and all the emotions that go with it she also has to deal with her troubled teenage daughter (troubled because of the divorce), making ends meet financially, dealing with the new wife and her family, dealing with her other children, etc. So, yes, I would say in most situations it is much much harder to get over a 20 year marriage with children than it is a 7 month dating relationship.

I agree that an intense relationship can hurt just as much whether three months or three years, but because the circumstances change radically in a long term relationship or marriage, it makes it easier to do the work to heal and get over the relationship.

It sounds like you want to focus on being a victim so that you don't have to move on. That is not dismissing your feelings, it's questioning why you would choose the victim mindset to the degree you are, particularly given the length of the relationship.

Anger is a big part of the grieving process, even as it makes us feel more intensity in some ways than denial or bargaining with ourselves in those initial stages of a breakup. I know I'm in a similar place now, feeling a certain injustice about it all, wondering why I didn't walk away before I was kicked to the curb, thinking about how she so easily and quickly moved on to someone new, even as she acknowledeged how much I loved her in her "so long" letter.

Let it out, journal, rant, go to the gym and pound a punching bag, run until you're so tired you can't run anymore....it will pass and you will get sick and tired of this phase of the breakup too. It takes time and the anger phase is perhaps the most intense, but also show that you're nearing clarity and nearing a time when you'll truly let of all of this and be able to embrace your dreams again regardless of what they were with your ex.

Bubbly

I must admit this flip flopping is not doing you any good at all hun. Im worried.

One day its really up the next really down. I know you are hurting babe and anger is part of the healing.

Eventually these feelings will pass babe. Seriously they will.

But maybe venting on a message board isnt the best way of healing because its dragging it all up hun again and again and again.

I know you are down but you have a good group of friends and also with all this anger it shows you are not ready for a relationship yet, however what is good is that you know what to look out for in the next one babe.

When I split up from my ex god i hurt and i was angry.

What I did was do things that I know she would have liked with my friends, building good memories again with people I care about. Slowly I forgave, slowly I became less angry. Eventually it stops.

It took me a good 2 years to stop being angry with the ex wife (kids, messy divorce, she had an affair)...

Slowly I realised that she did it because she had to, as much for me as her. It was her self defence mechanism. Thats the ex-fiance not wife!

Yes it still hurts even now but Im a better person for it, she is still having some of those issues now almost 8 months down the road!

So in essense I thank her. Why?

Because I met a fantastic, beautiful woman. And I will again.

When things were good they were very good, it also showed me what I want from a relationship.

It also taught me about red flags and when you are that involved you dont see them. Or spot them in time!

Also it taught me that the next partner should have a good group of friends with their best interests at heart. Not instant fly by night friends that come and go, that had ulterior motives in trying to split us up etc.

So the next realtionship its eyes wide open.

I miss not having a S/O around course I do but sometimes you have to philosophical about it.

I know you dont want to get back with him and thats a good thing because quite clearly it wasnt right and you know that now.

(((hugs))) xxx

Thanks hun, honest I was not upset until someone started on me (it felt like).

thank you hun for your understanding about it, and i'm sorry but I am glad its not just me feeling that I have been done an injustice.

Don't leave..I know exactly how you feel. I was in a 9year relationship with my ex-fiance and he now lives with the girl he cheated with. I cannot describe to you the anger I feel. Just like you, I'm looking for ways to get rid of it because it definitely interferes with one's happiness. I wish I could tell you how to do it. I'd like to do it myself. My family tells me it's my choice but that's easier said than done. Ive heard about a book callem "Man's Search for Meanng" by Victor Frankl. Apparently, he talks of his time in a concentration camp and how he was able to deal with that traumatizing situation and come through in the end. I believe he went on to become a psychiatrist. God, I could use one of those about now. Anyone ever read this book? Hang in there bubblyblonde. We're going to make it....we have too.

I just wanted to try and explain why I found the above hard to deal with.

Jaded mentions about:

I have no idea why it is important that an ex's family, whom you only dated seven months, should be in contact with you or be there for you.

Now if you were married to the guy and becamse good friends with inlaws that is different. But why are you so upset about his mother not wanting to go somewhere with you? He is out of your life, she should be as well. Does it really help your pain to call her a ****** cow because she said she would rather not go on that certain outing?

I guess I understand still being hurt over this, but the anger you have to me seems out of place. I agree 110% with what Batya has told you. You chose to be in a relationship with this man and you now are "choosing" to hang onto your anger. I must ask as she did if it is a way to hang onto him. By hanging onto the anger you are in essense not letting go of him or this breakup.

People break up all the time. It hurts, but your anger and the way you continue to backslide into such venoumous anger and over thigns that are not worth this kind of anger is really indicative that you might need to see a counselor. I can't remember if you said you were or not. I am not trying to make light of your pain, but a seven month relationship ending should not continue to cause such venom in you like this. Fron what I gather you and the ex got on hot and heavy very quickly....you did not take the time before falling headfirst to see if you were compatible or if you really even knew what he was like or how he would be as a serious boyfriend. You do bear some of the onus on jumping in too soon, and the very best thing you can do is move forward and see this as a good lesson for the future. That is what people must do in break ups lest they get lost in a sea of unhealthy anger. Basically you didn't know if he had the potential to be a faithful longterm boyfriend, but you expected that out of him anyway. You were probably tryign to squeeze blood out of a turnip. Not everyone has the potential to be faithful and committed in a longterm relationship...he obviously was not capable of anything more than a whirlwind honeymoon phase. Hating him for this is only going to keep you locked in this dungeon of misery

Yes it was 7months, but I gave myself and my heart to this man I'm sure as many on here have done, I was protective of my heart at the beginning however he was very clever in how he made himself out to be Mr Perfect and did everything to make me fall to quickly for him.

Someone assuming just because they see 7months that it was a fling or that my break up feelings are displaced, hurt and upset me, clearly I am fragile at the moment, vunerable.

You are right it is him with the problem of not being capeable, but what I am and was saying is, please do not advise on what I wasn't asking.

All I wanted help with was some suggestions in how others have dealt and go rid of this anger, and why, well because I do not want to hold onto it even though Jaded seems to think I do - it is not for me and probably for most people on here just as simple as DO NOT GET ANGRY or JUST THINK POSITIVELY. Anger is an emotion, emotions are difficult to control, especially when they are in a mixed up state.

It "felt" at the time (please note I said felt not actually was) very much like jaded was being cruel with her words and harsh and at the time, no I couldn't take it.

It appears, again might not be, but I haven't seen Jaded respond to any of my positive threads, given any words of support and positive comments like so many others have - and from those people I would take the straight talking.

Also when people are down and low & struggling IMO they do not need script and verse about that they should have done this, or should be feeling this, why didn't you control yourself in the relationship, questioning their love and emotions IMO what they need is advice on what they are asking about or just some TLC/sympathy

Does anyone disagree/agree with me on this??.