My Turn (I Suppose) for a Story (37 Years Old...)

Okay.

I’ve read a good number of personal stories on this website. I guess it’s my turn. Some of the elements are the same as those from other people’s lives here; some, I submit, are unique to mine. I will try to keep names out of it to protect other people. I think I’m beyond the point at which advice would be helpful, for, as you’ll see, I have too many factors working against me. But I need to post this. We’re given no guarantees; any of us could die tomorrow. If I get crushed by a meteor, or something, I will want people to know “where I was coming from” in life, and I don’t mean on the street where the meteor will have hit.

I’m 37 and male, and, many people, depending on their parameters, would classify me as “never been in a romantic relationship.” I must point out that there were some people I went out with on and extended basis, and there was the potential for a romantic relationship there, but then something would go awry. Either the other person eventually said she didn’t feel the same way about me as I felt about her (such as an excursion I made out of the country to meet someone), or I was unsure of my own feelings and had difficulty defining what our relationship was until she drifted away, mistaking my uncertainty for a lack of interest. I emphasize that whatever it was I had with (especially) one or two of these was far deeper and more significant than many “flings” people have -- people who are far more “physical” than we were/are. I’m not sure how these people I used to see now consider what we had, but it was important to me even if society may look at what we did and did not “do” and conclude that it was meaningless.

Some facets about me:

-- I am far more reserved, physically, than most. I have never pursued sexual relations or French-kissing with anyone. When I have fancied someone, my “fantasizing” about her would entail imagining our lying together, holding each other as sleep approaches, and then waking up, still half-asleep, in each other’s arms, while some quiet music plays. In college, I would have loved to have had someone to walk around campus with, holding hands, swishing through the leaves in the autumn, scrunching through the snow in the winter, and warmly kissing each other on the cheek at day’s end. As you might imagine, that didn’t mesh very well with the rest of the college atmosphere, even at the relatively mild campus I attended. The thing to do there was kiss, “passionately,” people you just met at one party or another, once the two of you had had three or four drinks.

I don’t drink and don’t engage in those other activities, either. I wasn’t and am not judging anyone else’s behavior or preferences -- but I will point out here that this is my argument against the popular misconception of the “hierarchy of affection” that so many cling to. I become upset when I see someone insinuate that kissing on the cheek is the “I don’t really like you that way” kiss, whereas a peck on the lips (under 3½ seconds or so) shows more interest, followed by tongue-kissing, and so on. What people do is their own business, but please don’t try to tell me that a sincere, warm kiss on the cheek with feeling behind it is “meaningless” or “lame,” but two people swapping spit at a frat party -- two people who don’t know each other’s last names and don’t plan to see each other after the night is over -- IS meaningful. Don’t tell me that the former doesn’t “count” while the latter does, ‘cuz I’m not buyin’ it.

You see, if you bang in “9-1-1” on any properly functioning American phone, you will get emergency personnel. Hit “0” and you should get the operator. But people aren’t phones. What’s a meaningless, throwaway gesture to one person might be the most important act in the world to another.

-- When I used to explain to people that I had “never dated,” their reactions puzzled me. It seemed as though they assumed that I had chosen that outcome. I later figured out that this was/is due to a difference of views on how dating works.

When I was in high school, I remember a chaperoned trip I took, in which I ended up in a small circle of friends. As it turns out, that week the four of them sort of “paired off.” Two of them gradually gravitated towards each other and became a couple, and the other two more or less followed suit. That meant I was the fifth wheel for the week (a role I’ve become accustomed to over the years), but it also gave me an example, because when I would begin to grasp, just a few years ago, that so many date people they don’t know and certainly haven’t developed any sort of feelings for, and so many others even date multiple people at the same time (!) it came as a surprise, and in great disparity to how I figured it should go. I didn’t understand the phrase “going steady” because I thought ALL dating should be exclusive, rather than a disastrous imitation of THE BACHELOR(ETTE), in which someone actually goes out with a couple dozen people simultaneously and then whittles the list down like it’s the national spelling bee. And I’ve always understood it to be the case that you FIRST develop feelings for a person -- instant love, a gradual crush, something -- and then, when you both begin to realize you like each other, one of you (it can be either one) asks the other person out. It’s supposed to develop before you even go out for the first time.

So when I would tell people I hadn’t dated, they figured I just must not have WANTED to, when in fact I was waiting for something to happen. There are those who will consider me crazy and hopelessly out-of-touch for this approach, but I’ve seen it “happen” with many people around me: people who’d either been friends for years, or who met in science class or the office or their choral group or community theater or co-ed softball team, and then began “gravitating” towards each other -- with no role for blind dates or little black books. Meanwhile, I’d see somebody with a different mate every other week and conclude that she must have fallen in love with 84 different people in her life, whether she thought so or not.

-- The type of romantic relationship I’m looking for -- the type of relationship I NEED -- is more of a boy/girl relationship than a man/woman relationship. It should go without saying (but I’d better say it anyway) that this doesn’t mean I’m seeking out minors. I’m looking for a “kid my own age,” not someone who’s LITERALLY eleven, but feels eleven emotionally, at least in some ways. Our relationship would be about miniature golf and amusement parks and impromptu games of tag and laughing and feeling like two excited 13-year-olds, kids who’d write their pen pals right away if they got to walk home from the school bus together -- holding hands, no less! -- and not like the jaded people I see walking around now.

I need to feel these things and have this kind of carefree relationship, I think, before I thrust myself headlong into calling myself an adult. I’m legally an adult, of course, and I vote and donate blood and pay taxes and my own health and car insurance. But when I hear people my own age or younger say things like, “back when I was a kid,” it never sounds right, and I could never bring myself to use that three-letter word in the past tense. I feel like I need to go through what I need to go through BEFORE getting a killer job and a house and a mortgage and all the trimmings of a “grown-up” life. I know how absurd this may sound, to some, but it’s what I feel and I need to get it out there.

I lie awake at night, thinking of my age and how the likelihood of my ever getting to marry and be a father are getting dimmer by the year -- assuming I don’t go the Tony Randall route and have a child with someone several decades younger. And it hurts. I see my friends, many of whom are married, introducing me to their own kids, and I smile and wish them well, but later I just feel so piteous, forcing myself to look at the life I’ll probably never get to have. But all that was put on hold, as well as more secure employment than I have -- all because the things I’ve been talking about are supposed to COME FIRST. People hear me talk about dreading my birthday, and probably assume I’m just a miserable ingrate, spurning people who are just decently trying to wish me a happy day. What they don’t understand is that with every year, that slim hope becomes even slimmer and the window of opportunity closes another few centimeters. I was miserable on the weekend of my college graduation, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because I felt like with graduation my last chance for something youthful -- really, the only thing that could ever make me happy -- was about to close forever. Maybe it has.

Hence…the insomnia. I can usually fight off these thoughts during the day with work or errands or whatnot, but they become far more potent in the subconscious, and they haunt me when I try to sleep -- when the day’s distractions are no longer there to protect me. It will hit me: exactly how old I am, and where I still am in life, and how I’ve been writing about it for so many years when not much has changed, except that I’m even older now. And then you can forget about sleep for a while.

Add all this up, and I don’t make a very appealing candidate, do I? There’s more I can say, but that can be added in a later post or installment. Again: I don’t even think I’m seeking advice here, as it strikes me as much too late for that; I just wanted to tell my story, as other people here have told theirs. It’s just rough when so much on television alienates you, and you can’t seem to identify with anyone you see in your neighborhood. This world ain’t built for people like me; I’ve become resigned to that fact over the years.

I don't know if this helps, I can't write anything longer, I'm in a rush...

But personally I know a lot of lovely, intelligent, attractive ladies who are in their thirties and their forties and single...so don't worry about your age! Eclipse x

Sounds like a tough situation... I kind of know what you're talking about. I started dating relatively late, my first actual boyfriend was at the age of 21, and it lasted for quite some time. I'd never gone on a date with anyone I wasn't seriously interested in. So, in terms of relationships, I've always felt like I was a few years behind the times.

I think you're going to have a very hard time finding someone who is in a similar situation as you. But, what you might discover is that having a more experienced woman who doesn't mind teaching you a little bit about relationships, a woman who can bring you up to speed (so to speak), is actually a much better solution. If she understands that you are still emotionally young, but really doesn't mind, it can make things a lot easier for you -- you'd have a guide, of sorts.

I don't know how you'd go about finding said woman, since I don't know much about you, but it's food for thought.

Just curious, did you have something happen to you in life that may have stopped your emotional growth at a young age? The loss of a parent or sibling at a young age, etc?

I know someone who siad recently there emotional growth was stunted when there mother passed away..she was 10 and always has had problems with where she is emotionally compared to others her age..she is still looking to be that 10 year old who needs her mom, she is in her 40's single, no kids, etc.

Shygal, my emotional growth wasn't "stopped at a young age." I'm not socially inept, and I do plenty of things for myself. You seem to have misunderstood my meaning. I was referring to the want to experience those emotions that are associated with young love -- before everyone adopts the mode of "been there, done that, can take it or leave it now." I enjoy going to the theater and the orchestra and the art museum. I just don't like bars and casinos; that's all.

ohhhhhhhhh sorry, i don't like any of that either...bars, clubs...no not for me! i know many women who don't either, they'd love a guy to walk through the mall with and hold hands, share an ice cream sundae and go to the movies..not everyone is in it for one thing only..i just have to keep looking

Hi bmmg39, I just came accross your story and I felt the need to respond. It seems like you've put a lot of thought into this (I'm sure your sleepless nights can be thanked for that), so I'm going to do my best to respond thoughtfully. Even though I'm a bit younger and have some relationship experience, I feel like I've can relate to you because I've been guilty of similar thinking patterns in the past, and maybe I can share what I've learned.

You make it a point to clarify that a kiss on the cheek "counts" as a kiss. Who are you arguing here? Yourself? Of course a kiss on the cheek can be more meaningful than a sloppy, drunken kiss with someone you just met. On the other hand, a kiss on the cheek could also represent a sign of affection from a friend or even a family member, while a long passionate kiss from a significant other can create a whirlwind of emotions and excitement. It all depends on context. The meaning behind the action is what really matters.

My other issue is the fact that you seem to believe that no one should date someone they just met, and that all relationships should bloom from friendships. While this does occasionally happen, it is not the norm, and there is usually some level of attraction that ignites a spark. And if you wait too long to show interest, you'll become friend-zoned and you'll often have a very hard time getting out of that. Are you saying that if you met an attractive girl that you instantly clicked with, you wouldn't want to spend some time one-on-one in order to get to know her better? It doesn't mean you're automatically a couple, it's just a way of seeing if you're compatible.

The real problem seems to be the fact that you have set a timeline for yourself that you would consider ideal. You wish you had that girl next door your whole life, that you slowly developed feelings for as you took long walks in the park over the years, and then found your dream job, etc. Who wouldn't want that? I know I would. But that's life, man. You have to roll with the punches. You can't feel like you need to go back in time in order to experience love from the beginning, you'll only miss what's happening right now.

You should always be trying to improve as a person and make changes for the better. When you start taking positive steps for yourself while letting go of the past, you'll start gaining new experiences. And when you start feeling better, and more comfortable with yourself, you'll find a girlfriend. She'll fall in love with your enthusiasm for life, you'll fall in love with hers, and you'll be there for each other -- through thick and thin. This is what love really is. The best part is you can participate in this right now. You don't need to go back to being 11 years old in order to experience it the "right" way. There is no right way, only your way.

We have no way of knowing what will happen in the future, so all we can do is try our best with everything that comes our way. Everyone regrets certain mistakes they have made, but the way you handle them is what defines you, and makes you attractive to others. Life's a constant evolution process, so try to take what you've learned by watching others and what you've experienced first-hand and grow from there.

Good luck.

Excellent post.

I agree with some of the other posts in here...you have your own set 'way' or 'expctations' of what should happen in the dating world (and that's fine, everyone has their prefferences), but those 'ways' are not anywhere near the norm (at leats not for 37 year olds, it might be for middle school kids, but not people closing in on 40). So while it's good to stay strong to your beliefs and not be swayed by popular society trends, at the same time you almost have to in order to get something. If you're content with trying to find a sweet mid 30s woman that has the dating mindset of a 12 year old then fine, but if you want to date someone in general then I would say try and conform to what mid 30s women really want.

As also mentioned, if you do follow this ideology of the dating process then you will ultimately fall in the friend-zone term from which you will not escape and move into real dating. That may work for middle school kids or 1% of people, but the majority of the population will not be going from friends that hold hands and just peck on the cheek for months and months to real dating. By that point, a woman your age will have longed written you off as either gay or just a friend with NO interest in anything romantic.

Not to sound mean or anything, but you need to 'grow up' romanitcally if you do plan on dating women your age. You could be lucky and meet someone that has the same mindset, but the already diminishing dating pool is gonna almost disappear. If you absolutely don't want to try and change your ways in order to date, then I guess you are content with not dating anyone anytime soon. And as you get older, the chances of finding this 12 year old minded woman gets smaller and smaller (as small as they are now or anywhere after the age of 16)

redtan is 100% correct

I appreciate your idealism and strong beliefs in your search for someone. However, I have to say that what you are looking for is down right creepy for anyone older than 18 to say. Despite your thoughts on that, you need to keep it to yourself whenever you meet a girl. I think you need to come to the realization that there is some fundamental thoughts going through your head that aren't congruent with 98% of society. Your friends that got hitched weren't just lucky. To have that type of attitude is defeatist in your situation and exhibiting an external locust of control. Try challenging your beliefs or thoughts a little in this regard and be willing to change or at least compromise with a girl in the future.

whes: "But, what you might discover is that having a more experienced woman who doesn't mind teaching you a little bit about relationships, a woman who can bring you up to speed (so to speak), is actually a much better solution."

I'm not sure about that. It's one thing to become involved with someone with more experience than you have; it's quite another to be in a student/tutor relationship with said person. It'd be quite painful to be taught, trained, or guided by the person you're supposedly in love with.

arnoldlayne: "Of course a kiss on the cheek can be more meaningful than a sloppy, drunken kiss with someone you just met. On the other hand, a kiss on the cheek could also represent a sign of affection from a friend or even a family member, while a long passionate kiss from a significant other can create a whirlwind of emotions and excitement. It all depends on context. The meaning behind the action is what really matters."

Yes, that's actually what I was trying to say. Everyone is different, and things depend not only on the "styles" of the people involved but also the situation. Some people kiss their spouses on the lips and kiss their cats on the lips. I'm not sure that that implies the same exact relationship both times, though.

redtan: "That may work for middle school kids or 1% of people, but the majority of the population will not be going from friends that hold hands and just peck on the cheek for months and months to real dating...And as you get older, the chances of finding this 12 year old minded woman gets smaller and smaller (as small as they are now or anywhere after the age of 16)..."

Firstly (yes, it's a word), the holding hands and "pecking" thing is where we'd be as a couple, not where we'd be as friends. Just to clarify.

Secondly, I'm friends with a couple who knew each other as friends for years before one finally got the courage to ask the other out. My brother is engaged to someone who was once a friend. My other brother was for a few years going out with someone he met at work. I'm in a concert band and a community theater group and new people are frequently coming in and out. No one knows the tall odds more than I do, but I still think my chances are a LITTLE better than some seem to think.

Thirdly, with the two people I went out with/dated (however it would be defined), here are the kinds of places we went: baseball games, an amusement park, Coldstone, the aquarium...we sat on swings, we went to hear the orchestra... Things like that. There are people who do such things. We didn't speak in baby talk to each other, but we did things that qualified as "young," though we talked about our normal lives and responsibilities while we did them.

HulloThere: "However, I have to say that what you are looking for is down right creepy for anyone older than 18 to say."

I'm tempted to ask what, in heaven's name, you found "creepy" in my post, but I know that it's de rigueur these days for people to describe as "creepy" anything or anyone different from them. I guess I won't be able to talk you out of it, but I think it's a rather extreme word, given the circumstances. Just say "It's not what I would want for myself" and be done with it.

And yes there are definitely people that are long time friends that turn into relationships, but that's rare and it gets rarer at your age.

Firstly (yes, it's a word), the holding hands and "pecking" thing is where we'd be as a couple, not where we'd be as friends. Just to clarify.

True, but again a 35 year old woman in a relationship with a man will want MORE than just pecking and holding hands. While things like that and going to ballgames and sitting on swings is definitely cool and most women like it, there needs to be more. No woman will date someone that will only go as far as that. If you are with someone your age and that's all that you guys do, you will not be dating as the woman will only think you as a friend or gay if you do not pursue more things than holding hands and pecking. Unless the woman is asexual and has the mindset of a 12 year old, she will want more out of the relationship...and when you refuse to kiss her on the lips or whatnot, you will not be dating for long.

What do you think her friends are going to think when they ask what she does with her bf, and she tells them 'oh we hold hands and he pecks me on my cheek then we go get ice cream at the fair' or 'oh we don't kiss or make out or do anything affectionate'. What do you think a woman seeking a romantic relationship will think when you turn her kiss away in disgust because you don't do lips?

Redtan, I think you're being too hard on the guy. There are plenty of people out there (male and female) who don't like lip kissing. They're just better meshed with other people who don't like lip kissing.

However, OP, no woman in your age group will just want to do those things. She'll want sex, she'll want intimacy (cuddling is intimacy), and she'll want to take part in more adult activities. I think you're one of those older 'never had a relationship' people that expects unattainable things from your partner, and then complains about it. Never works, my friend.

However, you can find a girl who's a child at heart, who will enjoy holding hands and going to get ice cream at the fair. There are plenty of those. Just don't expect them to bend to your idea of perfection...because there IS no perfection. Everyone is imperfect, and if you demand perfection, you'll be alone for a very long, long time.

I have a question for the OP- innocent pecks on the cheek are very nice at the early stage of a relationship, and I think there are women who would appreciate a man who is not trying to push for sex within the first few dates, but I'm wondering what you visualize happening as a relationship progresses.

Do you plan to stay a virgin until marriage? Do you have sexual urges at all? The reason I ask is because the way you described your fantasy- I think something along the lines of falling asleep in each other's arms- it almost sounds asexual to me.

There are people who are asexual - and although I am no expert on this, my understanding is that asexual people do want companionship and relationships- but they just do not have strong sexual urges. This can end up causing problems if they pursue a relationship or marriage with someone and the other person is not aware that regular sex won't be a part of that relationship.

bmmg39..

Hey, i love going for ice cream, walks in the park while holding hands, watching the snowfall with a cup of cocoa...all SO romantic and fun which is always lovely!!!

But i am also a woman who wants love, PASSION and romance!!!!

I would need to know the man wants me AS A WOMAN...as HIS WOMAN more importantly. He woud need to show me he desires me.

There are so many ways to show a woman you are attracted to her, don't even need to spend a lot of money or anything even little gestures; love letters, flowers, etc and all..which i love..I would just need so much more AND SO SHOULD HE to want me to want him physically!!!!!

Bcuz i love to cook and be domestic (love to bake, garden, decorate) i would really take care of my man as well but i would need more...intimacy and affection are so important i can't even tell you.

You definitley would need to find a compatible mate...if you are inlove and attracted to her sexually, i can't imagine what you are describing will be enough for either of you>>>

But maybe i am wrong????

From what I'm gathering from some posters, bmmg39 has simple needs yet apparently this is not enough? I read countless posts on these forums about women and men not having a clue on getting along with regards to sex and romance, as they tend to be emotionally-charged areas; if he doesn't want to be a part of that then good for him. Too many people bite off more than they can chew as far as I'm concerned, and it seems to me that he's one of the more sensible ones.

Here's hoping bmmg39 meets a kindred spirit soon. Cheers.

I really think bmmg39 is on to something in this post. I'm also 37 and, to be honest, reject the premise that somehow I need to act like some of these airbrushed Hollywood "sex symbols" (I also reject such labels, hence the quotes) to gain the affection of a woman.

I strongly disregard RedTan's assertion of the thread starter's ideas of dating as signs of homosexuality as completely absurd and insulting to the intelligence of any woman who hasn't been mentally poisoned by a media that tells women what kind of men they should want. Since when did treating a woman like a lady make a man gay?

Grow up romantically? Really? Not only is that needless condescenscion, but can easily be inferred to be an accusation of pedophilia that would earn anyone a punch in the face. Maybe we'd all be better off if we stopped putting on façades and simplified the entire concept of dating.

HulloThere: "However, I have to say that what you are looking for is down right creepy for anyone older than 18 to say."

 

I'm tempted to ask what, in heaven's name, you found "creepy" in my post, but I know that it's de rigueur these days for people to describe as "creepy" anything or anyone different from them. I guess I won't be able to talk you out of it, but I think it's a rather extreme word, given the circumstances. Just say "It's not what I would want for myself" and be done with it.

Hi Bmmg,

Let me reclarify. Perhaps saying creepy is the wrong word but it gets the point accross. Basically, my advice is to never verbalize to a potential mate what you were saying in the post. Having a playful attitude is great and will actually help you in attracting a woman but I wouldn't go so far as to tell the woman "the type of relationship I NEED -- is more of a boy/girl relationship than a man/woman relationship." Just wanting to hold hands and doing stuff most people do in elementary school is also something you need to keep to yourself. You are fooling yourself with thinking that hollywood is polluting what women want in a mate. Evolutionary biology is the biggest driving factor. Another piece of advice I will give you is to not tell any potential girls you meet that you have NEVER dated before (at least not for a while). Not only will it put pressure on her but it will make you less attractive to her. Subconsciously she will think, 'whats wrong with him that no other woman wanted to date him'.

Sorry for the bluntness but I think its something you need to hear and consider.

any woman who hasn't been mentally poisoned by a media that tells women what kind of men they should want.

Again, thousands of years of evolutionary biology have a much stronger affect on women's dating preferences then hollywood. If you are that much more different then the norm, you are basically eliminating a huge chunk of the 'dateable' population. Regardless if you are right or wrong. Its no different from a 30 year old overweight guy that lives with his parents saying he will only date runway models.

Again, thousands of years of evolutionary biology have a much stronger affect on women's dating preferences then hollywood.

As far as I'm concerned, you and nobody else can really prove one way or another which has more affect than what when it comes to....preferences. Evolution is certainly real, but so are the brains between our ears.

I don't know where the OP is from, but in my case I was brought up in a more conservative culture than the US (I am Indian-American) and my beliefs were influenced by the arranged marriage system. I would not have had any problem dating a man who wanted to begin by holding hands, etc. for a long time, and gradually building a foundation of friendship and trust before becoming more physically intimate. In fact such a relationship was once my ideal, too--not so much because I wanted "young love" as because fundamentally, I have always believed that physical intimacy is hollow without emotional intimacy--and emotional intimacy takes time.

I had to compromise on my ideal though--because I found that my vision of how a relationship should unfold bore little resemblance to dating in the modern US. It was a big culture shock when I started dating non-Indian guys to realize how quickly dating became physical...mostly, long before there was any real emotional connection (at least, for me). Now that so many couples meet online, it's even harder to start out as friends and build a relationship.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I would not have had a problem beginning a relationship in the way the OP describes. I do not fully understand his views but from what I read, I don't find them creepy--I do not necessarily see him as asexual, but somewhat of a perfectionist, who is fundamentally attracted to a purity and innocence of heart: He is himself inexperienced and wants someone who is the same way and will grow with him, lest he feel cheated out of young love. Sort of like many people who have never been married or had kids want to date other people at a similar life stage, maybe?

Now as other posters have said, in one's mid-30s (at least in the US) the kind of relationship the OP desires is very difficult to find. Perhaps OP would have a better chance of finding love if he adapted his ideals somewhat to conform with societal norms, as I did in my 20s. I have always had the philosophy that if what you are doing isn't working as far as finding a relationship, change.

So again I would not mind beginning a relationship in the way that OP described. I think the part that would concern me is if either the OP judged partners as somehow less than innocent for having had previous relationships or sexual experience (not every relationship works out, and sometimes it just isn't your fault--and not everyone walks away jaded or bitter) or if his ideals were driven by a feeling that sex and lust were fundamentally somehow wrong or dirty. I would have no problem with a partner who thought that physical and emotional intimacy and commitment went together, and wanted to go slowly and savor the experience. I would not want a partner or husband who never wanted to do anything more than kiss on the cheek, or who felt that sex was inherently dirty or wrong, or anything less than healthy and beautiful. I cannot tell what the OP's beliefs are in that regard.

As far as I'm concerned, you and nobody else can really prove one way or another which has more affect than what when it comes to....preferences. Evolution is certainly real, but so are the brains between our ears.

hrm women in 200 AD were attracted to men with physical power, social mobility / power, wealth, and finally potential ability for any of the before mentioned.

women in 2010 are generally attracted to good looking strong men (physical power), people in positions of power (doctors, lawyers, movie stars, athletes, etc), and do i even need to go on wealth?

I'm pretty sure hollywood wasn't around in 200AD. And yes you can list exceptions just like on everything else but they are just that, exceptions.

Man, i'm not trying to bring you down. just trying to help you come to the realization of human nature. the sooner you realize that the better

Actually to update my previous post I went back and read some of the OP's posts outside this thread; he does seem to describe himself as mostly asexual, so I assume he does not care for physical intimacy even after a potential relationship has deepened.

There definitely are men and women out there who are largely asexual; I've met a few. As there are support groups and such online, I would imagine the Net is a good place for the OP to meet someone like-minded--particularly because his writing is lucid, witty, and engaging.

I guess OP has three options--(1) to try and meet someone who shares his feelings (2) to meet someone closer to the middle of the Bell curve and compromise...maybe he doesn't need or seek out physical intimacy, but hopefully he can tolerate some in order to please his partner--and maybe having tried it he will potentially even find that he enjoys it, or (3) to stay alone.

But in any event, I think it is worth some effort on OP's part to understand his feelings and motivations--why he seems to feel an antipathy toward kissing, etc.; whether it is really a biological thing or whether perhaps a religious belief or a fear of something is holding him back. It's possible that when he understands his reasons for wanting a purely non-sexual relationship, he will decide that they are not worth holding onto at the expense of knocking out 99.9% of his potential dating pool. Perhaps with a sensitive and understanding woman, he can learn to enjoy and look forward to physical intimacy.

I guess I feel empathy for the OP because based on his post, he seems like a sweet and gentle person who wants love, but has erected (as we all do, to some extent) barriers to finding it. I hope he finds a way around those barriers, and to happiness.

Man, i'm not trying to bring you down. just trying to help you come to the realization of human nature. the sooner you realize that the better

Wow. That was pretty condescending, "Man". I guess you're closer to evolution than I am.