When should I tell him I cheated?

[EmptySoul]

My boyfriend's in jail. But he's not a bad person, this is the only time he's ever got in trouble with the cops. Everyone I meet says they respect him and go to him for advice.

 

But I've gotten drunk and high and cheated on him more than once.

 

(I've quit drinking and doing drugs completely. I know. I'm horrible.)

 

I know I deserve to lose him bc of this and that I probably will.

 

But I have to be honest with him, I have to tell him.

 

So, do I wait until he gets out of jail and tell him? Ruin his first day out by telling him what I did? Let things go on and on like they're normal until then?

 

Or do I tell him now, in a letter? Make things worse for him in jail? Get it over with? What if he gets upset and stops being good, where he won't get out on early behavior?

 

Now

or

After

?

 

-Empty.

[Siriana]

No, you never tell about cheating.

Think why you cheated and deal with it alone.

Important thing is why you cheated?

[amtjrtcet]

No, you never tell about cheating.

Think why you cheated and deal with it alone.

Important thing is why you cheated?

 

I agree with Syrix. If you KNOW that its something that will NEVER happen again, you should deal with it alone. If you think there's a chance it might happen agian, you should break up with him.

[EmptySoul]

I know it will never happen again. I quit the drugs and alcohol to be sure of it. I want this boy more than life. I'd do anything for him.

 

But I'm afraid of someone else telling him if I don't.

 

Most people don't know, but some do. And if someone tells him before I do, it'll be even worse. Bc he'll always wonder if I was really going to tell him, or if I only admitted to it bc someone said something.

 

-E.

[Siriana]

I see....

But the problem is you cheated more than once, not only once.

I am not shure how well this will sit on him.

Probably not good at all.

 

Still better to find out from you than someone else.

 

Does he know about you using drugs, is he a user too? In case he is and you stopped than you have a problem, because if he's using he's going to brought you back to drugs when he's out.

[thyroxine]

Make sure and get tested for STDs and such. Whether you tell him or not, he will respect that you got tested before doing anything with him.

[EmptySoul]

I know it's even worse that it happened more than once. That's why I quit everything. Bc it's a big deal for me not to do drugs and drink. And I can at least say that. I want to at least be able to say I'm clean and sober for him, say I told him the truth, say I got tested...I know the chances of him wanting to stay with me are slim, but as much as I want to be with him, wouldn't it be worse to never tell him?

 

So do I tell him now, or wait?

 

(He does use drugs/alcohol some, but if he actually forgave me and everything, I'd be fine with doing those things with him, bc I feel safe around him. I'm just staying clean for now bc I don't like the situations I get into with the people that are around at parties etc. and I want to be able to at least say that I dropped all my addictions cold turkey bc I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have.)

 

-E.

[Siriana]

I know it's even worse that it happened more than once. That's why I quit everything. Bc it's a big deal for me not to do drugs and drink. And I can at least say that. I want to at least be able to say I'm clean and sober for him, say I told him the truth, say I got tested...I know the chances of him wanting to stay with me are slim, but as much as I want to be with him, wouldn't it be worse to never tell him?

 

So do I tell him now, or wait?

 

-E.

 

Well if you tell him later than someone else could tell him before you.

 

Whatever happens, I think you did the right thing by quting drinking and drugs. So in case he can't forgive you take it as a very valuable experience to learn from.

[talo]

I'm just staying clean for now bc I don't like the situations I get into with the people that are around at parties etc. and I want to be able to at least say that I dropped all my addictions cold turkey bc I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already have

"for now" ?

 

There is an old Zen saying that "you do not wobble". You see that anything that helps you wobble you cut out of your life; so you do not go to this type of party (you may go later when you are stonger, but then it is highly likely that you will not want to).

 

Cutting out certain bad habits in our life, also may mean cutting out other related aspects of that life if we feel we cannot resist certain temptations. Leading a better life is largely being aware of what leads to a worse life.

 

So if you truly intend to lead a better life, do not tell him of your past indiscretions, it will only hurt him. Instead tell him of what you are doing, and what you are going to do, in order to improve your life.

 

If someone else tells him, and you have told him your good intentions for the future, and he can see that you have already 'done some changing', then you have done all you can really do. We have to accept the karma of our past, but we can make better karma now and in the future.

 

Best wishes,

[flower99]

I'd tell him now

do you talk on the phone? or see him?

When does he get out???

[Solarist]

The one thing I noticed is that she was talking about using drugs and drinking with him - so I am not sure she could state on one hand she is stopping doing these things that modify her personality and decrease her judgement yet continue to do them with him.

 

I tried to think about the situation and figure what would hurt me less if I was in this situation. I agree, ideally if there was no chance he would find out and you would never repeat this action (and prevent putting yourself in situations where it could be repeated) I think it would be best not to tell him. However, it sounds like it is very likely he will find out one way or the other, so that makes things more difficult. I would definitely not want to learn about this in jail - I can't imagine being locked up with really no distractions while dealing with this pain. Whether you tell him when he gets released - well, that really is an evaluation of the likelihood that he finds out from someone else or not, and whether you really will prevent this from ever happening again.

[talo]

I agree, ideally if there was no chance he would find out and you would never repeat this action (and prevent putting yourself in situations where it could be repeated) I think it would be best not to tell him. However, it sounds like it is very likely he will find out one way or the other, so that makes things more difficult. I would definitely not want to learn about this in jail - I can't imagine being locked up with really no distractions while dealing with this pain. Whether you tell him when he gets released - well, that really is an evaluation of the likelihood that he finds out from someone else or not, and whether you really will prevent this from ever happening again.

As seen here, there are no ideal situations, there are only actual ones. Actual ones are bought about by our past actions and are changed by our present and future actions.

 

Again, as seen here, basing ones actions on likelihoods of being found out, and doubting ones ability to follow through with intentions is not a solid basis for a happy life.

[everythingchanges456]

How long have the two of you been together?

 

I think that part of the answer lies in knowing your boyfriend's personality. You know his personality...what is your gut telling you as far as when to tell him? It seems to me from reading your posts that the decision as to whether or not to tell him you had already knew the answer to from the beginning (probably because of the not knowing when the day could be that someone else might tell him...and that's a whole new stress in and of itself).

[EmptySoul]

To reply to some questions asked, I've gotten to visit him once so far. I get to talk to him every once in a while on the phone. (The reason I didn't tell him about cheating on the phone or at my visit is that they are very limited time wise and I didn't feel like there was sufficient time.) And we were together a week or two when he went to jail. So now we've been together over a month...

 

Everyone keeps saying, don't tell him if you're sure it won't happen again. I'm sure. And I'm still clean and sober. And will stay that way for a while. But I think it will hurt him more to hear it from someone else. I really wanted to wait until he got out to tell him, like everyone said, to hear about something like that in jail is horrible. But I'm afraid that his first day back someone will say something. And it'll be even worse. So I'm going to write him, be honest with him, tell him I'm sorry and that I dropped all the drugs and alcohol bc of my mistake. And what he decides is his choice. And I'll have to live with it, for hurting him.

 

-E.

[treefrogkate]

OK, I might come out sounding like an old fart here, but you've only been dating a month and you've already cheated on him multiple times and he's in jail and you were only with him a week before he went to jail and you are only 17 and you're into drugs and alcohol.

 

I think it's time to take care of yourself right now. You shouldn't need to worry about this guy. I know that at 17 it seems like the end of the world to lose him, but you are young and have so much ahead of you. If you're a mess with drugs and alcohol now (and it sounds like he is a negative influence in that area), how are you going to be happy for the rest of your life?

 

If your best friend was telling you that she dated a guy for a week and he went to jail and she cheated on him multiple times because she was drunk and high, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to maybe reconsider the relationship? Would you tell her she needs to get her own life in order before she should be in a relationship? Because that's what I would say. I commend you for quitting cold-turkey, it really is an accomplishment, but there are many days ahead of you, and going back to getting high and drunk with him isn't going to make your life better.

 

Have you gotten tested for STIs? If not, you need to get this done immediately.

[avman]

Well I agree with you that it's best to tell him. I am very glad to see you are clean and sober now. That's going to go a long ways toward helping you stay out of the situations that have caused you such trouble for so long.

 

I do hope that regardless of what happens with this guy that you choose to stay clean and sober for yourself. Not for this guy. This is a reward you've given yourself because you can now make the decisions you want to make instead of letting drugs make those decisions for you.

[Rabican]

If you did it more than once, then I have to question your loyalty to him, and your feeling of guilt. I think if you truly felt bad about it, it wouldnt have happened a second time. If you honestly feel bad, and really dont think you will do it again.. then just dont tell him. If he finds out, that will be worse... but focus on being a better gf in the future.

 

If you feel you can, or will cheat on him again... then just end it but make up some other reason. No need to crush him with knowing you cheated.