Need input. Any chance of recovery?

[Paradigm1607307567]

Well, my second time posting. I'll just re-tell the whole story. It's probably not very interesting compared to some of these other threads, but to me it's my entire life. Well to make a long story short, my fiancee and I were almost perfect until 2 weeks ago. I got home from Ft. Benning (Army training) and out of the blue she tells me that she has cold feet and isn't sure about getting married so soon.

 

Horrible news, but not unbearable. We can deal with that. Cold feet turns into possible feelings for the ex. Possible feelings for the ex turns into debating on whether or not to be together at all. All of this hit me hard. We had our share of stupid fights, but never anything close to this magnitude. We were both so happy. Anyway, her ex is in from out of town so she talks to him yesterday. She said she needed closure (from my other post). Well, she comes away today and says "I don't know if I still have feelings for him or not." Then she says "I think we should take a break until I figure all this out." I know she still loves me and I know that somewhere in there is the woman that I met that wants to get married. I agree that a break is for the best. I' was going crazy torturing myself trying to be there for her. She was extremely distant and emotionless. I was no saint either. I said some things I didn't mean the past few weeks. But I'm still here and I still love her with everything I have and I want to work through this.

 

It's so frustrating because all my friends are getting married. They meet someone, date for awhile, then they marry and are happy. The other ones are happy being single and buying alot of toys. I tried that once. I tried to date around and be "a jerk" and view women more objectively. I don't have it in me though. I want a family. I'm in my 20's, never finished college but run my own construction business, and have my own house and car. I've been burned in every relationship I've ever had. I just can't understand why I can't find someone who is normal and can put energy into forming a healthy long-term relationship. I've been engaged twice. Last time we were supposed to get married, she cheated on me. This time... I'm still figuring it out. We had invitations and a wedding gown! We were planning on getting a brand new house together. I'm insanely obsessed with building it myself now, from the ground up. All to the specifications she wanted, the way she wanted the foundation facing the mountain, and the front porch facing the west... to watch the sun go down...even down to the little white fence and the pictures she wanted hung up... It's a way to still have part of her with me I guess. I need to do something with my hands, if I'm not allowed to love her anymore.

 

I'm doing my best to look at the bigger picture. I honestly have no idea what will happen. We went from heaven to hell in one week. Do I date during our break? Would that betray her somehow? The break she mentioned is long term. 5 months. She took a job out of town. I don't know what she's going to do. I don't think she will date, because she is an emotional wreck. I won't go out of my way to contact her, but I told her to call me as soon as she knows what she wants, and anytime before that. I'm not viewing this as a breakup. She promised to figure things out. If I did view it that way, it would tear me up. That girl is my entire world. Is there any chance of recovery to a happy marriage?

[Dubb]

I think the best thing you can do is leave her to her own thoughts. She will figure this all out in time. Time away from you. There is no way to predict the future but you can start by worrying about you. There are a lot of good posts on this site that may help you bring some insight to this situation.

[Hope75]

Have you actually talked with her about the terms of this 'break'?

 

It seems to me that you would want to be on the same page as to whether you will be dating other and if she will.

 

I have to say that a break to investigate her feelings for an ex does not sound promising for your relationship. But I have seen relationships go on break and come back.

 

It all depends on you and what you are willing to give up and wait for, and her and what she really wants.

[karvala]

Something doesn't quite add up here. I can understand cold feet as the future wedding starts to look a reality and she realises this is it: make or break. But suddenly feelings for the ex return? And then she actually acts on these feelings and meets the ex (which was never likely to do anything other than confuse her further, and make her doubt your relationship even more)? I wonder where these feelings have really come from; it sounds like more than just a commitment problem.

 

If you've been burned, as you say, in all of your previous relationships, and were cheated on when you were engaged before, two things are important here. One is to look at your own behaviour and see whether or not it's contributed to the situation developing (other than in just the last couple of weeks), and if so how to change it in the future. The other, as Hope mentioned, is to be absolutely clear what a break does, and specifically doesn't, entail. In particular, I think you need to be quite clear that her going and doing things beyond friendship with her ex is a dealbreaker, because with your history as well, I can't see you happily getting past that if it happens. Other than that, let her have her break, and don't contact her during it (but don't be hostile to her in any sense either, and answer her if she contacts you still), but don't let it go on too long (we're talking weeks rather than months). She needs to be sure what she wants, for both your sakes, but she needs also to realise that she *does* have to make a decision, and really stick with it.

[Paradigm1607307567]

I'll clarify a few things.

1) The reason there is no time frame is that I want to give her ample time of think things through. Normally I would say something like one week, or one month. I gave her deadlines before, and she told me that it would work better without that stress, so voila.

 

2) Now there is also a reason she wanted 5 months. We discussed taking a break over the summer. I have some schooling to go to in a bigger city close to us, and it lasts the entire summer. When we were together, she thought it would be a good idea to get a summer job in the same city so we could be closer. This would be a good time for a break since we'd both be busy and wouldn't have any free time anyway. Well, after today, she said "she couldn't stand hurting me anymore" with this whole sorting things out process, so she tacked on another two months. She said it might be a few weeks, or the entire 5 months. As far as dating, she wanted to maybe go on a few casual dates, but nothing serious. I plan on it, just to get out of the house and away from the pictures, but no one could take her place. Maybe some movies or something.

 

3) Anything with the ex = me gone. She said that she would never go back with him. The reason she talked to him was to "get closure". She wanted to meet in person to confirm that there were no feelings and that the problem between us was something deeper and darker. She's still sorting through that part, so I don't know.

[ghost69]

do you have a big backyard and a shovel?

 

i think that she needs closure from this guy because she still has strong feelings for him. that is what i would think. she might be wondering what if.