Me, my ex, and my best friend

[Pacific loansum]

I've been struggling to get over my ex for almost a month and a half. IN this time we've kept in contact, meaning occasional chatting and hanging out together. Since the break up when we have hung out, its been me, her, and my guy friend. However, there have been a couple times when we tried hanging out alone, and it ended up with us feeling really sad (usually me). This past week, we hung out by ourselves again, and when she dropped me off at my work, she felt very sad. Strangely, I wasn't sad so much, maybe because of progress in counseling or because It made me feel good that she missed me so much. Since the break up Ive been seeing a therapist and have become more cognizant of my issues with communication, such as anger, and an inability to completely express how i feel.

 

Later that night she texts me saying that she's really lonely, and I responded with a "is there anything I can do?" Cut to the chase, I spent the night, no sex, just kissing and cuddling. Next day we hang out as if we were o gether, very lovey dovey. We both felt like it was not healthy, and that we were confused whether to be togther, her more than me. I stayed the night again and we had sex. It was amazing! She woke me up in the morning with kisses and it was on. That night we discussed her confusion on whther to get back together or not.

 

I said that I think we could work, but we would need to get couples counseling. I said I didnt want to move back in with her, but date. I know that it would be impossible to wipe the slate clean. She said she couldn't decide because she didn't know if my mentality has changed temporarily or permanently. I think that my awareness of my actions, past and present is what has changed, and that as long as I keep dealing with my emotional issues up front, then I wouldn't relapse.

 

So we went and hung out with out respective friends after that conversation. However, before we left, we left it at we'll try to go to couples counseling.

 

After she hung out with her friend, she saud she had realized that she didn't want to take the risk of my not changing for good, and that couples counseling is for married couples with children and something to lose.

 

When I spoke with my friend he said something had been eating him up. He confessed that him and my girlfriend have been hanging out together since we broke up. He said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me, and added that they were liked hanging out and wanted us all to be friends, and thereforeeee thought they would wait to tell me until I was over her. I wasn't mad at him, maybe a little at first, but I was just kind of shocked that first night.

 

The next day, I had time for this new information to sink in, and I became so sad, hurt, and betrayed.

 

I went to my counselor, and told her that I didn't want to see either of them again, for doing this behind my back. She said I should at least find out exactly what happened. She suggested that maybe my ex was hanging out with him because she wanted to keep up with how I was doing, and since he's my only friend, she could only find out through him. I left a little bit better, but still angry and the hiding behind my back.

 

I confronted my ex, and she immediately said sorry. That it was an innocent friendship.

 

I still wasn't sure.

 

So I called her later that night to find out all the details, and she admitted that at first she had a crush on him. She said she was vulnerable and he was a single guy that was "just around." She told me that she admitted to him, while they were alone, that she was crushing.

 

But he didn't act on it. She admitted to me, that had he acted, she probablly would have followed through. They continued to hang out. That began the week we broke up. She said that they would sometimes come to a point in the conversation, where they talked about whether this friendship was right or wrong, and convinced themselves that because they didn't fool around, it was ok. I said to her, how could you guys keep hanging out when you had a crush on him. It's not like the crush just disappeared. It seems like they were just acting out their feelings with each other, without physicality.

 

She continues to say that what they've done is not wrong, and that im over reacting. But I just feel like this is so messed up. If it was so innocent why couldn't they simply tell me. Of course, I would still be hurt, but I doubt as much as I am right now.

 

So now I don't even know if I can hang out with this guy anymore. When I finally got a hold of him, he said that because he thought it was alright, he didn't see a need to tell me. I'm so angry.

 

Are they f---ed up for doing this, or should I suck it up, move on from both of them. Or should I try to accept their relationship for what they say it is, and try to be friends with all of them? Im freaking confused.

[Pacific loansum]

Sorry For The Length

[Honey Pumpkin]

I can't work it out - are you and your girlfriend back together? I'm not sure if she is committed to making this work, to be honest.

 

The friendship between her and your friend: it seems harmless, but disloyal. I wouldn't like it myself, because I would have felt there was some element of deception involved. Not sexually, but just the idea that your best friend wasn't totally on your side. I think loyalty is hugely important, and their actions have muddied the waters. Of course it was going to hurt you, and some friendships maybe should be avoided (unless they were really good friends already?).

 

So thoughtless, I think. What do you want to do right now?

[Pacific loansum]

Me and my girlfriend are definitely not back together. IN fact, I said some nasty things to her last night. I dont feel like she's really sorry for what she's done, but rather just sorry that i'm hurt.

 

As for the friend, he met her when I had him come over to chill, like a month before the break up. They had probablly only met a few times before our break up.

[Jess...]

there was some element of deception involved. Not sexually, but just the idea that your best friend wasn't totally on your side. I think loyalty is hugely important

 

I wholeheartedly agree with that.

 

I am sort of in the same boat, although my ex apparently likes my 'friend' and I have been told "something is going on there". So my 'friend' sounds like she's going for him even though she was 'there' for me when we had initially broken up, she saw my pain, i confided in her, and she knew how much i was hurting. (I later found out she had been whinging and complainging about me behind my back to my ex, and texting him behind my back too. She had only been 'there' for me, so she could go back and tell my ex everything I had said about him, the situation, etc.) She is no 'friend' of mine anymore, and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. (having said that, I still talk to her, and keep the peace though, only so I don't have one more person to avoid).

 

My advice would be, if you can, try and stay away from them both. When talking to one, don't mention the other, especailly when talking to your friend, do not mention your ex. Talk to someone you know you can trust. I'm sorry I don't really have good advice for you, but being in kind of the same situation, i don't really know how to deal with it myself.

 

Good luck, you'll get through this

[Pacific loansum]

I've been venting all weekend. In fact, me and my ex got in a huge argument via chat, and it made me feel better. But Im starting to feel like I've bee over reacting. I guess I feel that he had the opportunity to do something and he wasn't comfortable with it.

 

I'm going to see him in class tomorrow and in the other two as well. I think I'm going to talk to him and just tell him that I'm glad that he didnt do anything with her, but that 'my state of mind has not been rational since the break up. Its been erratic because of the monumental changes occring in my life. Its not working rationally. Im not doing school work, mostly been thinking about her, about my life, I’m just in a f**king unstable mentality. With that said, it was irresponsible, in my opinion, for you to do something that may have been innocent in nature, but devastating to someone in my position. This is why Ive been angry lately.'