Why is My Wife Insecure

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

To me it seems, now I may be wrong, that she is just a tad controlling. Look at your life. No friends? No hobbies? Next thing you know, you'll be walking around with your eyes shut.

 

I have had issues with my boyfriend back in the day (we've been together for 6 years now)-- but it was me who didn't trust him. I was always suspicious. Even when I had no legitimate reason to be. But he seemed to deal with me in a good way, because I think his demeanor is what changed my attitude.

 

He acted as if he was very indifferent as to whether I trusted him or not... like it didn't matter to him. He would say to me: "If you don't trust me, then that's your problem, you have to deal with that-- not me, I am not doing anything wrong, and I'm giving you no reason to think I'm doing anything wrong. If you can't trust me, that's your problem." This may sound harsh, but he didn't say it in a nasty way, just in a nonchalant, matter-of-fact kinda way. Of course it bothered me for a time, but after a while, I realized that he was right. It wasn't his problem, it was mine, and I had to somehow deal with it and get over it and change my ways of thinking. I don't know how it happened, but I'm way different nowadays.

 

What I'm trying to say is this: Perhaps all this proving you're trying to do, all this reassurance, is actually being counterproductive. It only seems to be working against you because #1, she still doesn't trust you, and #2, you don't have much of a life outside of your wife (i.e. she's indirectly controlling you).

 

Out of curiosity-- did her father ever cheat on her mother?

[mc1981]

envirodude, it sounds like you are a wonderful husband to your wife. I have to admit that I have my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to my boyfriend of 10 months, although it isn't as violent as with your wife. From very early on we have shared emails and every last detail of our days, but to this day, I still feel twinges of "what does he actually do during the day?" or "what is actually thinking?" He constantly re-assures me, but I think my insecurities lie in his past. He has usually been in positions of influence and prestige, and women have thrown themselves at him. In the past, he has "indulged" himself and had mainly physical relationships with women.

 

Since we have been together, he still has women throwing themselves at him, but he avoids them like the plague, not even being polite to them, and he only maintains a very small base of female friends, not because I make him, but he wants to make it clear to absolutely everyone that he is not available. Nevertheless, I fear that he thinks he is giving up that lifestyle for me, and would go back to it in a second, even though he has admitted to me that it was never healthy and wishes he was never that way.

 

I think you are doing the right thing by your wife. Knowing somewhat how she feels, I don't think it will help to ignore her. Hers is clearly not a rational response, but emotional, so you need to appeal to her emotions. Maybe you should try including her in activities that you wouldn't normally include her on...?

[My3sStillRacing]

She needs help. I am jealous by nature, but never would I allow myself to get to that point. At least I hope not.

 

She must not realize how bad it's gotten, because I think if she did she would agree to receiving counselling.

 

She needs to see through your eyes. It sounds cruel, but I kind of agree with Kalika's suggestion. Try acting the way she does, even to a lesser degree, and see how she reacts.

 

It would be beneficial for you to see a councellor yourself. I think they would be able to provide you with some advice, plus it would feel good to talk about it every once in awhile.

I think that if she knew you were seeing a councellor, maybe she would start to understand how you may be feeling and agree to seek help. You say her mother sees how she behaves? Maybe get her to try to talk to her about it.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you can't keep living like this.

You'll both be misrable as long as you live. She's bringing upon her own misery though, and so your hope in being happy yourself is to get her to get help.

[scoled]

I am going through a similar circumstance. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. She used to obsess about money when we started. I told her if it wasn't money it would be something else. But she didn't seem to be able to stop stressing. I then got a dream job for a major company in a management trainee program. It required extensive traveling and training for the first year but we would never have to worry about money again. We discussed the pro's and con's together and agreed to it together. I make six figures now but she is not happy. She has completely fixated on the fact that there is a girl in the group that I travel with. She has become so fixated on finding evidence of my infidelity that she now ignores house work, kids, bills etc... I blame myself for ever letting it get this far. I told her I didn't see any value in a dream job that cost me a marriage. I could quit tomorrow but honestly, I know there would just be something else. Whenever I call her on it she agrees that it's all silly. I told her to seek counceling but she always has an excuse. She then starting seeking counceling for me instead. After we talk her behavior gets better for a couple of days then goes right back to how it was. I explained to her that the thing about snooping for evidence is that she would always find something even if there was nothing there. Ironically if I was cheating I would know exactly what to hide. Since I am not, everything is evidence that I am cheating. She recently found a dinner receipt in my pocket from when me and a 350 lb male co-worker went out. A lite beer and salad on my receipt proved that I was cheating with "that * * * * * ". I don't know what to do. I put my pants in the laundry basket and my wife cried for a day because she found a dinner receipt. She wont go to counseling and I don't want to split up and leave our 2 young sons alone with her if she is spiraling downward. She has put on 70 lbs in the last 2 years. She has zero interest in sex, intimacy or affection. All she does is eat ice cream and watch TV and she always has excuses for not being happy or getting things done. She seems to live in a fantasy world that as soon as whatever happens then things will be better and she will be back to normal. recently it was winter blues but once summer came she would lose all her weight and then she could get more done around the house. OK now I am ranting but if she wont go to counseling and I can't leave what should I do.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Listen to Kalita. She has given you some excellent advice.

 

This may have started out as "cute," but it's turned into abuse. You are living a life of hell, walking on eggshells every day. And you arguments are effecting your kids as well.

 

Tell her this has to stop, and that she is going to start counseling, or you're going to leave. Her cute quirk has turned into a monster. This is utter nonsense. This has to stop.

[SaHoppa]

I'm sorry, but what she is doing is emotionally abusive. I don't think your actions are any better. Why are you not pursuing hobbies and going out with people you want? Why are you calling her constantly and trying to appease her? Obviously, it's not working.

 

I liken your behavior to enabling. If you want things to change, frankly you need to change your tone completely. No more letting her read emails, no more calling 10000 times a day, or any of that. Put a stop to it immediately. She's doing this and getting away with it because you're allowing it to go on.

 

 

This advice is worth repeating - it is dead on. I am married to a man now who dealt with this type of abuse from his wife for 8 years and it reduced him to the psychological state of post-war veterans. I'm not kidding. Do not tolerate this behavior. Reading through your posts it sounds like you already know in your heart that what she is doing is manipulative - not insecurity. Good luck.

[nycgal]

OP, I have to disagree with other comments here.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by being as open and transparent as you can. It may not help but I cannot believe it will hurt the situation.

 

I am in a somewhat similar situation - or at least my husband says I am too suspicious and have issues with trust. While its true that in my prior mariage my ex-husband did cheat on me constantly, it has been many years and I did not believe I was much more insecure than the "average" person.

However my current husband has done a few things that has taken me back in time to my previous marriage of hell. He has not cheated - he insists he has not and I believe this.

however I found out (not by snooping) that all the time we had been together as well as after our marriage (2.5 years) he has never taken of his profile off several dating and sex sites. He claims he never contacted anyone but I do know he was browsing profiles all along. He lied to me to meet his ex-girlfriend for lunch - claiming I would have been upset if I found out. Plus all kinds of stupid little lies that have nothing to do with infidelity - just a desire for secrecy I imagine.

 

So. All of this has broken my thin veneer of trust - I didnt realize how fragile it was. Now I wonder constantly. He does nothing to reassure me - unlike you do with your wife.

 

I have to disagree with other replies that your reassuring her, giving her access to your emails and calling her are wrong. If my husband did that it would go a very long way to help with trust.

 

Its the secrecy and hiding that have destroyed our relationship - more than anything he has done. Even if he had done anything, I would much rather know the truth than be left in the dark.

 

Lack of transparency hurts not only trust but also intimacy - because you wonder why your spouse is unable to open up to you.

 

Have you tried to talk to her to get at the underlying reason for her mistrust?

It may be deep-rooted since you're married for 18 years, but then again it might just be something very simple e.g. any recent change in your behavior like watching porn. It could even be hearing about way too many friends' affairs. Unfortunately the prevalence of infidelity has become so common it almost seems unbelievable it will not happen -especially in large cities where anything is easily accessible. An 18 year marriage is truly an achievement - congratulations.

I'm sure its this that makes you want to do everything you can to work this out.

[nycgal]

Wow I just realized this post is from April 2007! I wonder what happened to envirodude and his wife

[monkeygirl12]

@confused cutie

 

See I love him thats why I want to keep him, but if he messes up, I can't be with him and if I do stay with him i will be hurting everyday and he will be having a good time, and if I do leave him it will be very hard, and hurt a lot. I don't want that, so I try to keep him from making a big mistake that I would have to leave him over. I guess that sounds...insane..and im not saying I am not.. i might be...but these feeling wont just go away because I want them to.

 

Everything said in the above paragraph indicates the need for a counselor or some type of outside help to ease and attempt to fix the underlying issues behind this. It always comes from somewhere or something. I'm speaking from experience, I have been the woman in your shoes, and you're right it's not easy but it's also NOT acceptable unless you want to be categorized as crazy, insane, dependent etc (not saying you are)

 

My issues came from the fact that my father the person I put on a pedelstal, the one who was the KING of my world as a child turned out to have always cheated and abonded my mom for other women.. I recognized my issues and I bought a few helpful books and BOOM! I'm in the PROCESS to recovery, you will find how there are so many more important, beautiful and helpful things to fill your head up with besides worries and "what ifs"

[monkeygirl12]

oops just realized this is old too..lmao