i am the dumper and still not healed!

[mca1975]

Dear all at enotalone,

 

My problem is that I am the dumper and I am still not healed. In fact, it’s becoming a nightmare for me. It’s been just over three months since the split, we had too much contact for a few weeks after, which devastated us both even more.

 

I had to finish the relationship because he was too possessive and jealous and it was making me very, very unhappy. The relationship was not healthy. I cared about him a lot and didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t go on in the relationship.

 

After the relationship, I missed him a hell of a lot and the good things about the relationship and I did not like being on my own again and he knows this. He got kinda nasty after we split also which really hurt my feelings and made me feel like a bad person. We both went into NC which was messy at first as I would contact him after having had a few drinks just to say hello because I genuinely missed him. Then I decided that was not fair, so went into total NC. Now it is he who interrupts NC with contact every 9-10 days and I really can’t handle it. Every time I feel like I’m moving on and feeling happy again being on my own, he contacts me and I start thinking about him again and missing him and wondering what he is up to. He contacts me to let me know upsetting information that he knows will get to me and it feels like he is just doing it to hurt me. He wants to know things like am I seeing someone else yet and says he misses talking to me and cares for me and then drops into conversation that he has been out on a date, but nothing serious, which made me feel upset. I really don’t need/want to know. Then he sends me picture message of him with his son and he looks so happy (his ex was pregnant with his baby when we were together). It’s really ruining healing for ME and its making my head go round in circles. God knows what its doing for him. I have decided to totally ignore him now. Is he doing it to hurt me intentionally or is it just because he is still hurting and wants to “test” me?

 

Anyway, I have been going out quite a lot enjoying myself and a guy that I was once involved with (briefly) years ago has given me his number. It has made me feel really good and desired again, but I know he is not “relationship material”. Do I contact this guy? I am just thinking it will help me to move on somewhat, even though I had promised myself to stay “unattached in any way” until I was totally healed.

 

Is it wrong for the dumper to still feel like this after three months? Or do you think that if it wasn’t for his “contact” I would probably be a lot more healed by now…..?

[Siriana]

Nothing wrong for feeling like this.

You feel like this because he is still in LC with you so it makes your recovery longer.

Next time when a msg arrives - just delete it - without reading.

 

Do not mess around with that guy yet....

[mca1975]

thanks for this, but what is LC?

 

i guess my recovery is bound to take longer. i have had quicker recoveries from break ups because I have had absolutely no contact with them afterwards and they have been somewhat more mature than he is being!

[Dubb]

thanks for this, but what is LC?

 

i guess my recovery is bound to take longer. i have had quicker recoveries from break ups because I have had absolutely no contact with them afterwards and they have been somewhat more mature than he is being!

 

Low Contact. I tried and I am paying b/c of it. Just go NC you will heal faster. I spent 6 months in a relationship and still hurt 4 months out b/c I didn't go NC.

[Siriana]

thanks for this, but what is LC?

 

i guess my recovery is bound to take longer. i have had quicker recoveries from break ups because I have had absolutely no contact with them afterwards and they have been somewhat more mature than he is being!

 

Yeah, exactly. Low contact has the same effect as non stop contact - it sends you back at the beginning every single time.

[mca1975]

yeh i guess it is. LC is even worse actually, because it allows you to move on somewhat and think everything is gonna be ok and then "hey presto!" you get a text message and it fills you with dread and you just think WHY?????

[daveygravey]

yeh i guess it is. LC is even worse actually, because it allows you to move on somewhat and think everything is gonna be ok and then "hey presto!" you get a text message and it fills you with dread and you just think WHY?????

 

Oh man I hate that feeling!

 

I had to email my ex the other day because of our bank account and details that still need sorting out. I have not contacted her about anything else, I just needed some info from her. I'm waiting for the reply, but I know as soon as I see her name in my inbox I'm going to feel sick

[mca1975]

it does actually make you feel physically sick doesnt it. the last time we had no contact for 9 days and I was gettig on quite ok, and then a text popped up and when I saw it was from him this huge wave of sickness came over me and I felt "in the zone" again. then it takes you a good week to get back out of the zone. its just not fair!

[Siriana]

Happened to me - with a very stubborn and somewhat selfish and childish ex.

Than I figured out the same thing you did so I just decided not to answer his msg-es.

I hate lc too.

[Jeffrey01]

Well, I am the one who got dumped, so I can give you the perspective from the other side. It was interesting to read your thoughts as I havent heard from my wife in 8 months now. Its devestating to me. Makes it very hard for me to even think abou moving forward. But seeing how you feel, that must be how my wife feels.

 

I still will send a letter every few months, as I feel I have a lot to say and apologize. But maybe I am hurting her more by doing this...

[mca1975]

hi jeffrey01, i understand your point of view too, but contact just keeps the hurt going i feel. its hard isnt it because sometimes i do feel like speaking with him and telling him a few "what fors!" when i feel angry about him but I resist it.

 

i too have been dumped before and it hurts like hell, but contact only makes it worse in the long run. so do you think that my ex is just still hurting and missing me and that is why he contacts me and to kind of test the waters to see if he still gets to me? cause it just hurts me so much to think that he is trying to hurt me? i never meant to hurt him intentionally thats for sure

[Jess...]

Whether you meant to hurt him or not, fact is you dumped him, you did hurt him. And when we're hurting, we do some pretty stupid things, take it from me, i've done it all - begging, crying, keeping in contact - all the stuff you're not supposed to lol. Maybe he just wants to keep himself in your thoughts so you don't 'forget' about him, i don't really know...

 

my experience as a dumpee, I kept contacting my ex because I didn't want him to forget about me (it had been like 2 weeks, how could he have forgotten lol *rolls eyes*), i wanted him to keep thinking about me, i wanted to see if there was any chance of getting back together, i wanted to see if he cared at all that he shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. Did I get any answers? no lol. I even asked him if he missed me, only to get the frustrating answer "i don't know"...(ok he either missed me or he didn't, i didn't think it was that hard a question lol) I think he thought if he said yes id think i was in with a chance, but if he said no, it would hurt me. (so i wonder why he didn't just say no, never worried about hurting me before lol)

 

anyway, sorry to ramble on, but thats jut my take on a few possible reasons he keeps contacting you, hope it helps

[daveygravey]

Been there, done that!!

 

At least your ex said "I don't know". My ex told me point blank that she was 100% over me, and felt "indifferently" towards me. Ouch. All this just a few weeks after she was saying she was madly in love with me!

 

But I'm moving on... ish.....I think....

[Jess...]

Been there, done that!!

 

At least your ex said "I don't know". My ex told me point blank that she was 100% over me, and felt "indifferently" towards me. Ouch. All this just a few weeks after she was saying she was madly in love with me!

 

But I'm moving on... ish.....I think....

 

oh that is ouch!!

 

I'm moving on...ish too, lol I'm at the stage where I can now look back and laugh at the stupid things I did, and how desparate I must have looked... I still think about him daily, but I don't get sad as such, more frustrated that he's still on my mind after almost 4 months. I haven't cried about it for a while too, which is a good sign.

 

Hang in there, we can make it through this!

[mca1975]

hi jess, yes i really see what you are saying, he was incredibly hurt and i will very rarely retaliate to his contact because I dont want us both to be hurting anymore or make it worse. if i speak to him it makes things worse for BOTH of us. i feel like contacting him now as i feel sorry for him, but Ive gotta move on with my life and cant keep staying stuck. i feel angry with him as if he wasnt so dam possessive and jealous in our relationship and didnt ignore my requests for some space when we were together, then we may be we would still have been together today but he chooses to take NO responsibility for that whatsoever. yes, i agree he may not have been able to help being like that, but he continues to blame me and make me out to be the bad guy through all of this when the fact is that i stayed with him for months feeling unhappy and not wanting to end it for fear of hurting him. i put his feelings before mine. now its time to put mine first.

 

saying all of this, it really does not mean that I dont think or still care about him. of course I do. i still think of him as soon as I wake up, you cant just erase someone from your mind like that. there is no way i could ever forget about him. but i can see now, that maybe that is what he is doing, he doesnt want me to forget him. maybe in a few months time on his birthday, i could send him a card ?? then he will know that I have not just forgotten about him. oh i dont know! there really are two sides to every story arent there.

[daveygravey]

If your ex proved (I don't know how!) that he had changed, and wouldn't be so jealous anymore, would you want to give it another chance?

[Alexgr8]

Been there, done that!!

 

At least your ex said "I don't know". My ex told me point blank that she was 100% over me, and felt "indifferently" towards me. Ouch. All this just a few weeks after she was saying she was madly in love with me!

 

But I'm moving on... ish.....I think....

 

 

 

My ex didn’t say a word. My ex after 3-½ years of saying I love you, you are the one, I never loved anyone like this, etc just cut me of.

 

She was depressed. I tried to help but no go. She was to young and stubborn.

 

Well I finally told her that we are over/brake. I asked her to take some time to find herself. I loved her more then myself.

 

I called her 4days later to see how she was and just got a I will email you. She said for 3days she was devastated and then was over it.

 

I herd threw the grape vine she was already talking/with someone else. Never got a explanation and she will not even return a happy holiday text.

 

I feel like I was not man enough for her. 8 weeks later and I am still trying to pick up the pieces. We were each others life every day. My heart is dead as I can not touch another women. This girl stole my heart and wont give it back and the truth is I don’t want it back I want her back.

[daveygravey]

I feel like I was not man enough for her. 8 weeks later and I am still trying to pick up the pieces. We were each others life every day. My heart is dead as I can not touch another women. This girl stole my heart and wont give it back and the truth is I don’t want it back I want her back.

 

Yep, I am feeling the same thing. I loved her more than anything, and I believed that for two years she loved me. Like your ex, she was over it in a flash. She has got together straight away with some territorial army guy, and basically said I wasn't active enough for her. So yeah, she's all but told me I'm not "man" enough. That's like me dumping her for a girl with bigger breasts saying "you're not a real woman". It seems so shallow. I was active enough, but I can't compete with guys in the army!

[mca1975]

dear daveyg,

 

i know almost 99% that my ex would never be able to be emotionally secure enough to be with me and not be so insecure, possessive and jealous. i was quite insecure and jealous too you see, so we were both a bit bad really. he already recognised that he was getting like that and tried to fight it and he did not succeed, which is all very sad actually. the way he has acted since our break up has really changed my view of him and i think he is really quite nasty and immature now and just not for me but it still doesnt stop me from missing things about him. also my family dont really like him now as he was quite scarily obssessive after we split which made me very fearful.

 

if i went back to him, or even if I think about it, i feel all nervous and sweaty because I just couldnt take the way he made me feel towards the end and I know it would be the same again. possessive and controllling people build a bigger fence if their prize possession returns to them. i felt guilty even going food shopping without him. the first time I went food shopping without him after we broke up, i felt like I was doing something wrong! thats not right is it.

 

ultimately, i would like us to be friends in the future, we would have been good friends but Im not sure if that will happen now.

[Jess...]

I think for now, NC would probably do you both the world of good, and once YOU are properly healed (or for the most part anyway) then you can think about contacting him, when you KNOW it won't be confusing/painful/weird etc. That may well be in a few months time for his birthday, you never know! (he will also realise you haven't forgotten about him too ) Only then can you be friends or anything else for that matter, once you have both worked on yourselves. I wish you all the luck with it

[Jess...]

She said for 3days she was devastated and then was over it.

 

3 days after 3.5 years? thats all it took??!!! Ouch!

[Alexgr8]

3 days after 3.5 years? thats all it took??!!! Ouch!

 

Ya it was almost 4years. We had the story book romance. I had never loved cared and respected some one and there family so much. She worshiped me and I put her on a pedestal. I am totally lost in life right now. Some times I pull my self together to post here other times I just lay on the floor overwhelmed in emotion.

[1forthegipper]

Some dumpers say things out of anger because they're trying to detach from the situation. I know many times I've said some mean things just so they'd go away and let me live with my decision. Only after they left and I had time to think about my decision did I realize how hurtful I was with the things I've said. Don't take what they say to literally, most of the time the things the dumper says is coming from confuion,guilt and frustration. They are experiencing confusion after a breakup too, they don't know the future, the don't know if they will regret their decision and if we hang arround and ask questions it just makes them run away faster....

 

This is why I always say...."They made a decisio, GIVE IT TO THEM!!!..100%" they didnt want you so let them live with it and don't wast your time trying to change their mind.

 

Tha Gipp

[Jess...]

Some times I pull my self together to post here other times I just lay on the floor overwhelmed in emotion.

 

Posting on here is one of the best things you can do. I would never have made it to the place I am now without this forum, it has helped more than I will ever be able to say. Everyone here is great and every little bit of advice helps. Keep posting here, it will get better

[BeachChick]

Wow, all of you couldn't have said it better. I am the dumper as well. I feel horrible about it. He contacted me initially to tell me he was dating someone else, and my heart broke into a million pieces. Now, I blocked him from IM, Chat, emails, everything. He doesn't call me and it's been about 9 days. I know it's over, but I have so many regrets I think. I miss a warm body, and sometimes miss him. I know what I did was right, but it still hurts to know that he replaced me so fast, even though I broke up with him.