When you realize you're with a "minute man"

[matius]

Girls, just out of curiosity. When you really like some guy, and decide to have sex with him... it may take once or twice for you to realize that they can't last long in bed...

 

...when you do though, do you immediately start having doubts about the relationship and things kind of fall apart. or do you think you can try to work it out somehow...it may just depend...?

 

how soon in a relationship would you like to be told about a "problem" like this? would you want to know before investing so much time ... or at the time when sex is brought up in conversation?

[Aurian]

Doesn't matter to me as long as I am satisfied before that part starts.

[Dara]

A lot of girls can't come through vaginal intercourse. So it shouldn't bother them very much. It might even be considered a compliment.

[Batya33]

Hypothetically, if that were ever the situation I might want to try different alternatives but it would not affect my feelings about the relationship. I don't care much about technique - I care about the caring/loving part of intimacy. I also don't believe in having sex early just to "try someone out" - to me if there is chemistry with kissing things will be fine in the bedroom - at least, fine for me since I do not focus on technique.

[matius]

It might even be considered a compliment.

 

In my experience, "aw, you have issues" is a common response.

 

I mean, you can't tell a person is going to be like that before you have sex with them, but it def. skews your views towards sex.

 

I would love for it to be a compliment. Or to meet a girl that also goes quickly,

 

And, I'm not sure if a new post is required but...

 

I'm feeling like I should really be able to please a woman in alternative ways until this problem can find resolution. But like I learned in my college financing and accounting courses, I missed the basic algebra courses somehow in my schooling... I would say I am wondering aimlessly down there.

 

Is it an art learned best by individual, discussing what to do in order to please you the best way to go, or do you expect a guy just to know what's up no matter who you are? See I've missed what seems to be just common knowledge.

 

They say that if you go quickly, then you have to compensate by pleasing her in other ways. But if you don't know there either... you gonna really suck in bed!

 

Well, that a bit embarrassing even behind the net ... lol.

[Batya33]

I think "aw you have issues" is a cold insensitive response. In my experience, the couple should be comfortable discussing it, preferably out of bed because otherwise the issue will get worse if it is connected to some sort of confrontation during "the act." I think there are books, etc that discuss how to improve endurance.

[agent1607307371]

If you're in a relationship prior to this, then maybe the conversation before you have sex... but I just feel that if you can't talk about it, maybe you shouldn't be having it.

 

Good sex is mostly communication.

 

If you're unsure of what you're doing, don't worry. Girls all like different things, so if you ask her what she likes and let her lead, you should be alright at making sure she is satisfied before you move ahead.

 

How old are you? If your endurance is a complete worry, speak to a doctor.

[matius]

I think there are books, etc that discuss how to improve endurance.

 

Well, there are things that can be done, but no cure all. You get to a point where you can stop and then start again constantly during sex but this also becomes frustrating for both people.

 

"aw you have issues" IS a very cold response. Words like this can really damage a person you know, why would I want to get into a relationship to deal with that again...

 

That girl changed abruptly though and she did work with me for a while, but... she felt let down at first I guess.

 

I agree, someone completely intolerant of something like this will not make a good partner so there needs to be comfortable discussions.

[Bethany]

I don't particularly want a man to go on and on and on. I'm happier to come after lots of oral sex and have maybe 20 minutes of penetration tops. I agree with a previous poster that if it's the first or second time or even the thrid or fourth I'd tend to be flattered rather than annoyed.

 

I read a tip once that if a man is trigger happy, then he might consider masturbation a few hours before, it's worth a go.

[Lava Rocks]

It wouldn't sway my opinion one way or the other. In fact, as others have said, it's the intimacy of the act that is more important to me than the act alone.

 

Personally, I'd rather a man I'm with try to get to know my body and be open to learning what makes me tick. I'd be rather annoyed by someone who just thought that all women were the same and wasn't open to learning.

 

I'm not stealing your thread here, just offering a view from the other side.

I cannot be gratified by intercourse. Period. Several of the men I've been with, after learning this, made it some sort of competition trying to last longer and longer, as if getting me there would be the eptiome of proof of their manhood. Well, ultimately they lose, and each of them took this as a personal failure, and pretty much blamed me for what appeared to be a case of a bruised ego. It's caused several breakups. Then there was the one who just turned cold in bed and made it all about him. Can't win for losing, I suppose.

[littlelissa23]

Girls, just out of curiosity. When you really like some guy, and decide to have sex with him... it may take once or twice for you to realize that they can't last long in bed...

 

...when you do though, do you immediately start having doubts about the relationship and things kind of fall apart. or do you think you can try to work it out somehow...it may just depend...?

 

how soon in a relationship would you like to be told about a "problem" like this? would you want to know before investing so much time ... or at the time when sex is brought up in conversation?

 

I don't care what anyone says. When it comes to long term relationships with a guy, and his equipment isn't up to par, it is a red flag that shouldn't be taken lightly. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet but would try to experiment with him and see if it isn't just anxiety or nervousness.

 

The problem is that guys often won't come right out and tell you. You often have to wait to be in the bedroom to find it out. I mean seriously, as a woman, in my prime so to speak, how fair is it to be committed to a man that cannot please you in bed? I would and have cut my losses in the past because of problems like this. And not a few months down the road but pretty much right away.

[Dara]

If you are un-confident about your abilities with your hands and mouth there is nothing wrong with asking for guidence from the woman. Maybe some of your male friends have advice for you too.

[scarew]

Well, all I can say is, if you would plan on staying with the guy for quite some time, don't pretend like its not a big deal. Otherwise years down the road you will be frusterated but he will be confident that it doesn't matter to you, and eventually, IT WILL MATTER. It can be flattering, but the flatterness will soon wear off and you will just want to HAVE SEX!

 

Don't be mean about it, but do make it clear that you need your satisfaction too, whether it be orgasm or not, you need more than 1-5 minutes. Make him play with you for a while after or even before. Or, you can always just wait a few minutes and get him to go again!

 

You can also get those condoms that make them last longer! They work! Try em! Either way, its not a light issue, so don't treat it lightly for the sake of courtesy or pity.

[Yvette84]

A lot of girls can't come through vaginal intercourse. So it shouldn't bother them very much. It might even be considered a compliment.

they can't??? why not????

[scarew]

Lol Yvette sounds so concerned for all those poor women out there!

 

Alot of times its just because they have been desensitized from mastubating and orgasming through clitoral stimulation alot. Sometimes its psychological. Sometimes its just physiological. I didn't think I could until I was with my husband. But yes I can!!!!

[Yvette84]

Lol Yvette sounds so concerned for all those poor women out there!

 

Alot of times its just because they have been desensitized from mastubating and orgasming through clitoral stimulation alot. Sometimes its psychological. Sometimes its just physiological. I didn't think I could until I was with my husband. But yes I can!!!!

 

Oh, well I was just concerned because I'm a virgin and I was like what??? I've waited all the time for this??? lol. somebody I know told me they couldn't O for the first year of their marriage. I hop I will be able to!!

 

sorry to the OP for being off topic!

[Dara]

Lol Yvette sounds so concerned for all those poor women out there!

 

Alot of times its just because they have been desensitized from mastubating and orgasming through clitoral stimulation alot. Sometimes its psychological. Sometimes its just physiological. I didn't think I could until I was with my husband. But yes I can!!!!

 

Actually I wasn't talking about clit stimulation I was talking about the nerves inside the vagina. Some women, such as myself, don't have them. So clit stimulation is the only way I can have an orgasm.

[Batya33]

they can't??? why not????

 

It's quite common and I don't think a reason to have sex is just to have an O.

[matius]

When it comes to long term relationships with a guy, and his equipment isn't up to par, it is a red flag

 

I assume you mean isn't up to par with your needs in bed. After all, we're all just human and working with the equipment we've been given. Sometimes people get a bad deal. But I agree with you that if you're not being pleased there is no reason for you to stick around.

 

Well, all I can say is, if you would plan on staying with the guy for quite some time, don't pretend like its not a big deal. Otherwise years down the road you will be frusterated but he will be confident that it doesn't matter to you, and eventually, IT WILL MATTER. It can be flattering, but the flatterness will soon wear off and you will just want to HAVE SEX!

 

When I think about sex and relationships this is unfortunately what I have to think about. I think it will matter for many women, and flattery is not a long-lasting attribute. Nothing is flattering forever. But you know it matters to me also... I just want to have sex too!

 

There are girls out there who can deal. I know that, but I don't want anyone to take pity and if they need to bail because of it so be it.

 

Thanks for the responses, it's good to know that it's not all bad anyway.

[Yvette84]

Actually I wasn't talking about clit stimulation I was talking about the nerves inside the vagina. Some women, such as myself, don't have them. So clit stimulation is the only way I can have an orgasm.

 

how do you know when you don't have the nerves?

[CelesteSeven]

...when you do though, do you immediately start having doubts about the relationship and things kind of fall apart.

 

 

This phenomena has always interested me... and it actually seems like more of an American thing. No, not the "minute man" deal but the fact that the success of a relationship largely depends on sex.

 

I mean okay, I get it... as a biology student, I'm keenly aware that life revolves around sex. It just does... it has from the beginning of life. But as humans, we have an enlightened sense of things. Such things being that other factors besides multiplying your genes comes into play.

 

So quickly is everyone to see how the sex is and determine the relationship from there. Why? I mean, if you're in a relationship, you care about the person (assumption). If you do care about them, they probably have attributes you enjoy about them. You like them for who they are. So why end it because of a little less than expected when it comes to the bedroom?

 

Is sex really the deal breaker?

 

(i know, a little bit sex and the city with that last line, but what can you do?)

[Batya33]

I don't care what anyone says. When it comes to long term relationships with a guy, and his equipment isn't up to par, it is a red flag that shouldn't be taken lightly. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet but would try to experiment with him and see if it isn't just anxiety or nervousness.

 

The problem is that guys often won't come right out and tell you. You often have to wait to be in the bedroom to find it out. I mean seriously, as a woman, in my prime so to speak, how fair is it to be committed to a man that cannot please you in bed? I would and have cut my losses in the past because of problems like this. And not a few months down the road but pretty much right away.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with the previous poster who queried whether sex was the dealbreaker. As far as the poster above, I realize that for many, the "equipment" is key. For me the "key" equipment is the two hearts and two minds that are on the same wavelength during sex, not what's "down below."

 

Not in a contradictory way, but I do believe that sex is an important litmus test of the rest of the relationship. But when I write that I do not mean that good sex requires an "O" or "multiple Os" or any sort of duration to be "good" or "satisfying."

 

Call me a romantic (or naive, or an idealist or any combination of the two), but if two people know each other very well, love each other and are committed to making each other feel good and special in and out of bed, what happens in bed is by definition going to be good and satisfying. That's because there will be motivation to communicate, the awkwardness (when the "equipment below" doesn't "work") will be less or nonexistent because the couple knows each other, and that motivation to please will be the biggest turn on.

 

In contrast, the couple can have the best equipment below, multiple Os, perfect technique (whatever that means), endurance, and without the love, knowledge and commitment - at least for me - it could never be truly satisfying.

 

I've also found that the "minute man" "issue" is far far more of an issue where the couple have sex early on because often they don't know each other well enough to feel comfortable discussing it, don't know how to discuss it and I have heard of instances where the man is embarrassed and since it is the first night they met, or maybe they've only known each other a week or two, instead of dealing with it by communicating, he deals with it by pulling away or running away. Sometimes the woman does the same. I knew someone once who said she always had sex early on and if it wasn't amazing the first time that was the end because to her it had nothing to do with communication or caring - it either worked or it didn't. I found that sad.

 

I am not criticizing the man or woman in that situation for running away, just observing that I think the reaction is partly because when sex occurs that early on, often sex is the focus and if that doesn't "work" there is no foundation of friendship, caring, love, etc. to fall back on.

 

Just my humble opinion!

[Cardinal]

I agree.

 

To think of the situation in reverse, if I was with a woman who couldn't have sex long or at all because of pain or size issues etc, I definitely wouldn't leave her over that. For whatever reason though, I don't think it would have anything to do with how long I had been with her. Maybe b/c if I decide to have sex with a woman, I intend to stick with it and not give up easily. I already know I care enough to stay through any problems that come up.

 

Some women I suspect just consider a minute man a deal breaker. It can be looked at as sad in some ways, but people have all kinds of deal breakers. I'd just want to know that ahead of time if I were with a woman like that.

 

Unless their is mutual communication, I don't really see it as the guy's job to say how long he lasts in bed. The topic usually comes up anyhow so it should be no secret for most couples.

[Bionic_Agent]

When it comes to the "minute man," there are two types. One who is aware of the problem and committed to doing something about it isn't all that bad.

It's the men who pretend it isn't happening and don't care about their partners that should be dumped.

Matius seems like the fella who wants to adapt and learn to last longer.

That could actually be fun if you take your time to do it and bring you both closer together in the process.

[matius]

Matius seems like the fella who wants to adapt and learn to last longer.

 

Oh indeed. Whatever it takes.

 

However, it is important to note there is only so much that can be done at this time. You got your creams, gimmicks, books, and bizarro toys that claim to work but most equate to duct tape and false hope. I would say that certain things help, coming once before sex... SSRI's, etc.

 

According to some estimates, PE effects 27% - 30% of the population, while 70% experience it occasionally (According to the Mayo Clinic).

 

A common misconception is that in all cases this is a psychological problem. When in fact more studies are contributing the issue to hormonal, urologic or neurologic factors.

 

What's interesting is that possibly one day soon, this conversation will be unnecessary. A drug (unapproved by the FDA back in October 2006) called Dapoxetine has been shown to be highly effective in treating the condition, with a mild array of side effects (much less than you hear on any drug commercial).

 

We're talking about people who would last 45 seconds going for almost 4 minutes uninterrupted.

 

Anyway, just thought that was an interesting fact.