ughh why does she have to do this?:(

[blink_guy]

soo after our break up ive had a very very very hard time getting over her. i compeltly avoided her whenever possible and when she signed on msn i left and then spring break came an i didnt even see her for 2 weeks and i was just doing soo good. then the past week she started talking to me ALOT. on msn she would just talk to me as soon as i signed on and during class she would come sit beside me and just talk to me. and after a week of that ive completely gone back to square one as in getting over her...what should i do?cause i dont think she likes me...

[Rachelle]

Are you positive she doesn't like you?

[friscodj]

Hey blink-

 

You were doing "so" good without contact with her and now her sudden and constant contacts have set you back to "square one". Obviously, the contact needs to stop or needs to continue in the course of a reconciliation.

 

It is time for a serious talk with her. You need to find out her true intentions with her contacts to you. See, absorb, and assess everything she does (or doesn't do) during this time, both verbal and non-verbal. If you get anything less than surety in a desire to get back together, I would tell her (don't ask, but tell her), how you feel, what the contact is doing to your progress, and what you are going to do to take care of yourself in the way of distancing yourself from her. Even if you see her, you can still maintain this distance, and since it was working before, I suggest if she does not want to get back together, you continue that path.

 

She might not understand this, she might resist, or even get angry at your rejection of her like this, but we'll cross that bridge if/when we reach it.

[Rachelle]

I agree. (and not just because you're a royal member )

It sounds like very solid advice with nothing else that could or should be added or taken away. I'd listen to him if I were you

[GQstatus]

I can relate all too much with ya man.

 

Frisco is right, as always. Think it's time to ask her flat out what she wants with you. If it's too hard for you to stay in contact with her, knowing you're not getting back together, don't punish yourself.

[ruby19]

She probably still wants to be your friend, have her cake and eat it too. Or maybe she doesn't realize how much this is hurting you.

 

Your first concern should be you, if you don't want to see her or talk to her you have every right not to and she should understand that and keep her distance out of respect.

[Wandering_Sword]

Listen to friscodj, its all gold. I had the same problem with the ex when we first broke up and I confronted her about it. She was nice and friendly and it kept messing with my head so I asked her about it and said she didn't feel the same way. I got my answer and left that rubbish behaviour behind.

[blink_guy]

i think its cause we were so close before she doesnt want to jsut lose me completely an she wants to be friends but she doesnt realize that im nto over her yet but i dont have the heardt to tell her to go away when she comes an talks to me

[friscodj]

i think its cause we were so close before she doesnt want to jsut lose me completely an she wants to be friends but she doesnt realize that im nto over her yet but i dont have the heardt to tell her to go away when she comes an talks to me

 

I understand my friend. From your first post and the mention of spring break, I suspect you guys are in your late teens or very early 20's. Man, I learned so many lessons during those years.

 

A couple of things here...

 

Her behavior is very, very, very, very, very common in situations like this. She likely wants her cake and wants to eat it too in the way of not being with you, not tied to the responsibility of a relationship with you, but she still wants you "there" for comfort purposes. And this doesn't mean she is mean, shallow, evil, etc. She's just young and likely doesn't understand how her contact is making you feel, as you suggest.

 

This post you just made here tells me you know what's going on, but the obstacle here is taking action on what you know to be the best course of action.

 

What you are doing here is trying to minimize her pain at the expense of yours. This way of thinking is bred from some noble, sacrificial, "ladies first" masculine storybook notion but as you continue on your path with this here, there will likely be some event, some time, where she'll either detach from you as she gets comfortable with such a notion, maybe find a new boyfriend, or you will snap.

 

Right now, you're down in the dirt being kicked and don't want to stand up and walk away because you don't want her to feel sad that you walked away. I've been there and done that and perhaps you need to "be here and do this" to really gain some wisdom from this situation.

 

Maybe you can forgo the beating and look at it like this. Right now, you are hiding the truth from her. In this sense, you are deceiving her. This is not "noble" at all, to you or her. You're propagating a lie here, a lie that you are fine and are her "friend" when in reality you go home everyday and soak your balls in ice water because they sting so bad from the beatings she likely doesn't even know she's giving you. In some senses, I think you yourself are scared of losing her completely too, a bit of mutual denial perhaps that this thing really is 100% "done". But what are you really "losing" here? A veneer of a friendship fueled by intentions of not hurting her by telling her the truth of the situation or thinking you can "tough this out" to this end? You can set this aside and come back to something much more real and fulfilling later on...

 

My advice to you is to tell her the truth, be honest and forthright to someone you shared so much with as well as with #1...yourself. Continuing to take beatings is not going to "win her back" and it is not providing substance or basis for a true friendship. It is really based on your fears, your fears of hurting her, hurting yourself, and "losing" her. Telling her the truth is not about having "the heart" to do so, it is about doing something uncomfortable but necessary in this case. It need not be permanent, but something needs to happen in this direction until you make more progress with your healing.

[blink_guy]

man i still love her so much want her back so bad its the hardest thing inthe world not to talk to her when she signs on msn or when she walks by in the hallways

[friscodj]

man i still love her so much want her back so bad its the hardest thing inthe world not to talk to her when she signs on msn or when she walks by in the hallways

 

I know how you feel my man. I want you to remember two very important things here and keep repeating them to yourself whenever and however often you have to:

 

1) You love yourself too.

 

2) She does not love you in neither the way nor the depth you love her.

 

Whenever you see her, you remember that you don't mean as much to her as she means to you. This is the grim truth of the situation and it is better to face the reality head-on where you have control over it in this way vs. giving it control by being subtle and side-stepping the brute force of the reality here. It is better to grieve to yourself under controlled circumstances of your reiteration of the facts vs. letting the situation dictate the grief, i.e., when you see her in person or on MSN.

 

She's gone, she's not coming back, she doesn't love you, and you didn't mean that much to her.

 

Believe this and suffer based on your remembrance of these points. Liken this approach to taking a shot in the arm vs. slowly twisting the handle with your heart in the vice of hopes, dreams, and "what ifs?" of a reconciliation. This should bring you to peace with this situation faster in your situation, albeit condensing the grief somewhat by forcefully punching through the "denial" phase of grief.

 

Also, while this is taking place, remember:

 

You are "the man". She made the biggest mistake of her life by chucking you. There are numerous women you will meet who won't make this mistake, who will be dedicated to you and love you like no other, and will recognize your status as "the man".

 

Because that is true too...