Ex is serious with woman he left me for

[bird]

Three years ago my boyfriend and I moved accross the country and bought a house together. Two years later, our relationship wasn't going so well, but that didn't make it easy when he started a relationship with another woman and moved out on his own. He insisted it wasn't about this other woman, and that he just wanted to be on his own again and sow his wild oats.

 

For nine months he told me he wasn't serious about her, he could never love her, she was just a convenient distraction, blablabla, and for a while he even tried to get me back. Then just last week told me he would like to "get serious" with this other woman, and he would appreciate it if I would try to accept her as his girlfriend. Gaaa!

 

I told him there was no way I could do that, and we agreed that if he was going to be focusing on his relationship with her, it would be better if we didn’t see each other anymore.

 

I've been doing okay, although it was quite a shock. (You must be thinking “After nine months, how could she not know it was serious??”—but I mean, he *insisted* all along that wasn’t the case!) It put me back to square one for a couple of days, and then I saw how far I'd come in terms of putting my own life back together and being myself again.

 

But I’m sad because despite everything, I like the guy, and had hoped to continue a friendship with him. On top of that, I hate that he’s falling in love with the woman who snatched him away from me. I’d be okay with him dating someone new, but not her. After all, he left me to be with her, and then that leads me to do the comparison thing: she’s thinner and taller and younger than I am, they have similar interests and lifestyles, she has lots of hair, she’s probably great in bed, and so on.

 

And then I think about how unfair it is that they started up before he’d ended things with me, and that brings back all the pain and humiliation of those first few weeks when my heart was still reeling. Then I start to think, sheesh bird, it’s been nine months, get over it already!!

 

So, I don’t know what advice I’m looking for. Maybe how to get through the jealousy and inferiority and hurt and anger that’ve returned after all this time. I thought I’d worked through the pain, dealt with all the ugly emotions, but maybe not enough?

 

At this point, maybe it’s just a matter of accepting the reality of the situation: he’s gone, and I need to move on.

[CVLE73]

Hi bird, maybe I'm not the one who can give you advice, but I want to tell you, that I dumped my bf because he was distant, diconected, "not into me antymore", he is 11 years older than me (I'm 33), and I wasn't wrong, because just after I broke up with him he jumped with his ex and she is 10 years older than me, I mean 40 something. He was always complaining about the gap between us, I never felt he was old, but he always thing I was toooo young for him... So is not about the age, or the better looking, you don't have to feel bad about that, I'm sure I'm much better good looking than his ex. But the sad thing is that he is back with her, and I was and I still love him, he has been the best bf, so far.

Englich is not my mother tonge so maybe I wrote wrong my post. I hope you understand.

[doyathink]

When our partners leave us to be with another person, it does cause not only the pain of the relationship ending....but like you said, a whole lot of other emotions to top it off.

Tell yourself your worth better. You have a life to live and don't spend anymore time letting this man rent up space in your head. He's not worth your focus....or you feeling down...

[kate111]

This isn't going to make it easier for you but I think that since he is telling you that he isn't serious about her he is stringing you along. He wants to keep you waiting in the wings in case this woman doesn't work out. But even if he got back with you, imagine what he would be saying to the next woman that came along he was interested in. Probably the same thing as he telling you about this new woman. He'll do the same to you as he is doing to her. Imagine how hurt she would probably be if she knew that he was saying he wasn't serious about her after 9 months. Horrible.

 

It seem like this guy fears being alone. He likes to have a back up plan in case things with one person don't work out. That isn't love is it? Sounds like he is not ready to be truly committed to a relationship.

 

This is horrible to say but I think you should cut him out of your life completely.

[Karhu]

Don't be his backup plan. move on with your life. you deserve better!

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

It is sad to see that. You have the right to be angry. For your own sake, you should move on and cut him off completely.

[StillClimbing]

Bird, I know the pain of hearing about your ex-loves new partner. Most of us do. It reallllly hurts and causes a lot of self-destructive thoughts (I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, etc..). We don't know the real reason he left. It's probably a combination of 1) your relationship wasn't "easy" anymore so it was more convenient for him to leave (which is lame and you dont want someone like that, 2) he was no longer the person he was when you guys got together (diverging life changes) 3) he thought hooking up with the new chick would be fun and renew him. Who knows, right?

 

The bottom line is that he did things that a truly wonderful partner that was well-suited for you would not do. You can find a match that is wayyyy better for you and will not leave, but will communicate and work through tough times

 

I was 40lbs overweight when my ex left me after 5 years of being together (due to depression and knee surgery so I couldnt work out). I felt so disgusted with myself and resolved to get him back by getting in shape and looking hot. I started running again and lost all the weight. I was a perfect size 4, lookin' good and had all kinds of guys hitting on me, but the ex still did not want me back. He barely acknowledged my efforts. We weren't well suited after 5 years either. I am still sad and think of the good times we had, but a good friend once said to me that "memories are great, but you can't live in them. You have to make new ones, otherwise you just become a shell of a human." She is right. Time to move on. Don't let yourself drag on in a life of waiting around. Then you will have the regret of wasting your precious life.

 

Best of luck!

[bird]

Thanks for all your words of support. He was definitely trying to string me along and use me as a backup plan, no doubt about that. I recognized (and deflected) that from the start. Getting him back has never been the goal.

 

The goal, I guess, has been getting past the feelings of inadequacy: I wasn't good enough, so he found someone better. But StillClimbing was right when she said the relationship ended for other reasons, such as we'd grown apart and he wanted something easier and more "fun".

 

Oddly, I find that I'm focused less on him (and memories of him) than I am on hatred of this new woman, and how could she do this to another woman (i.e. me), and how does she deserve to get what she wants (i.e. him) when she did such a horrible thing (i.e. hooking up with him when she knew very well we were still living together), etc etc etc.

 

I've had friends say, "Why put the blame on her, and not on him?" And the truth is, I *do* blame him, I do. But he was my friend and partner for five years, and I loved him... whereas she was never the slightest bit friendly to me, and then she went behind my back and made the moves on my boyfriend, so I really don't have a whole lot of warm feelings for her!

 

But I'm a big believer in karma, and I know in the end they're not going to be happy together. I'm also hopeful that someday soon it won't matter one way or the other to me!

 

I know I'm better off without him, and despite the above rant, I'm feeling positive and optimistic about the turn my life has taken. After nine months of serious work (grieving and striving), I'm actually right where I want to be. I'm ready to move on with my life, and it's a thrilling feeling.

 

Thanks again for all the encouragement, fabulous ena folk!