i'm having trouble letting go

[McmasterMcgee]

my gf left me for reasons thats dont fit logic. she hangs around this guy friend alot, im thinking she left him for me, even tho im twice his size have a mans voice and looks like 8 times better than him. maybe hes just a friend and she doesnt want a relationship i dont know. but every time i see her my body pulses with shock and my nerves tingle.

 

i changed my schedule to fit her so i could see her at lunch. 2 days after the schedule change she leaves me and writes me a note saying she wants to be my friend but doesnt feel the obligation to even look at me any time during the day. i have no friends at that lunch. i sit there by myself all because of her. in fact i have all but one friend besides her, and well hes moving soon. i still have no friends at school tho. but after what ive done she feels no obligation to talk/look/say hi to me at all.

 

she moved out of my locker today. every time i see her she is with him and i cant help but look to see if there is any kind of signs showing they may be getting together. its none of my business, why should i even care. but i do and it bugs me. i tell myself everyday to let it go but everytime i see her i get nervouse and have this pit in my stomache and get that schock feeling everytime i suspect she is with someone else or i see her doing something. i even felt that shock when i noticed all her stuff was absent from my locker. i just cant seem to let things go. i dont cry anymore. i still feel disappointed of the reasons that she gave me, which i think are crap, and i still feel irritated that i fit my schedule for her and she throws me away and doesnt take a second look.

 

every day i dwell on what someone said, that she may look back and think she has made a huge mistake and way want me back. i hope this happens with all my heart but at the same time i feel like even if she did... i wouldnt take her back. not after giving me her reasoning. not after not telling me her problems. not after not giving me a second chance. not after letting me sit there alone outside in the cold after changing my schedule to fit hers while she looks upon me with her friends and has a great time without feeling the obligation to even look at me. to be honost i cant even give you a time where shes made eye contact with me since i last checked up on her to see if she had made up her mind. but yet.. i hope she comes back. these things i feel i cannot explain. my irritability, disappointment, hope, shock, confusion... and i cannot find it within my heart to just let her go. i'm full of anxiety. i feel betrayed. she even called me her best friend in the note. some friend to never make eye contact or trade conversation...

 

someone close to me says she may feel embarrassed. because she knows she hurt me. me.. i dont know what to think. i cant give you a full 100% reason why she left me. hers doesnt make sense. mine..... i got too many possibilities.. i just, cant let go. she is on my mind 24/7. everyday i look forward to the passing periods to which we used to exchange kisses and i love you knowing that i wont even get to see her. habbits i picked up from when i was going through the time where she didnt know if she wanted to leave me stick with me.. i pace all the time still. i go through 20 toothpicks an hour just chewing on em... i dont know what to do. i try and try. but i cannot fill my emptiness.

[DN]

Moderator note: Please use paragraphs in your posts as they are hard to read without. It may also help you get more responses.

[McmasterMcgee]

dont think it makes much more sense liek this but ill remember to paragraph my future posts. does anyone ahve any techniques?

[isisastaria]

It sounds like you got your heart broken (first time?)

 

I can tell you that it will get better. I know it's hard right now... but you have to be strong! Is there someone else you can have sit with you at lunch? Tell them you changed your entire schedule and this "person" changed her mind. And you're ...well....really bored now.

 

I wouldn't look at her, pay her attention, or even bother with any of that. It might just make you feel worse. If she apologizes or something...or talks to you...just say thanks...turn around, and go do something else. You shouldn't put up with any of that stuff. It's BS

[renaissancewoman101]

It's hard to let go of something. Tell me about it. I have a tough time letting go of things in my life, people in my life. It hurts when people move on and leave you behind.

 

But, you have to go on with your life. Meet new people, start new projects. Get involved with new things. That is the only way to get over something. Don't dwell or stew on it. It only prolongs the hurt.

 

I should listen to my own advice.

[McmasterMcgee]

yea this is my first... 1 year 9 months. her reasoning is BS. she said i was constantly snapping at her. 1 time was moderate. and was over soemthing stupid. the point was she never told me how she felt. this is no excuse but i had medication for my heart condition which made me tired and crabby. but still no excuse. she never told me how she felt. nor gave me a second chance. and that was her reasoning. she stripped me of fairness. it was fighting the inevitable. she left me for 2 and a half weeks wondering because she never gave me a final answer until i pushed it out of her cuz i wouldnt tolerate the wait. and now after changeing my time to be with her she goes and does this and ignores me.

 

yea there is no people at lunch to talk with. all i had done was spend my time with her and never really bothered to make any other real friends. i spent all of my time on her. didnt smother her. but i thought i gave her just enough attention.

 

i am... im an in between guy. i look at the people around me and analyze. who am i to judge, but i know most other people are either drug addicts/party ppl goths, a combonation of the two or just plain immature. i know this because they ask me all the time if im involved in drugs and i overhear stupid jokes the group laughs at.. im an honest person and dont wanan get involved with anything that would ruin my life, via drugs. and stupid humor just doesnt fit my style. i dont wanna sound rude sound like i glorify myself but i just think im more mature than other people at my school. and yet less mature because i feel emotion and feel alone. i feel like theres no one like me, and its kinda like being the outcast except theres no descrimination.

 

i try not to dwell on anything but its there. its not like i can shove it under the rug. i do hope she comes back. but i wouldnt take her back anyway. im gonna try to move on. i dont think im ready for another relationship, not after the crap that i took. was so unfair and i think she is just being selfish. i try not to look, but i do. i still have feelings for her, and in her note she says the same to me. im just so dissappointed and i feel let down.... irritated at her treating me like this... some best friend eh?

 

btw i cant change my schedule back, my reasoning was that i was hyperglycemic and needed a later lunch(which is a lie). i cant retract that. which sucks because i let an art credit go just so i could be with her at lunch, now i gota make it up next year. for what? to be ignored... to be left alone. to be, well screwed over.

[McmasterMcgee]

this is kinda off topic, but did anyone else who ever had a break up try to relate ANY PHRASE to be analogy to your situation? like a story's moral that you somehow relatate to your relationship

[McmasterMcgee]

she logged onto aim.. should i talk to her, i got this urge to tell her what she did was selfish and that im mad at her for screwing me over. then again she said i was her best friend.... what kinda friend doesnt look at you tho..... should i say what i think, should i NC?

[DN]

No contact. There will be no good done by telling her stuff like that.

[McmasterMcgee]

im crying agian, i have the sudden urge to ask her for a second chance to prove myself.... i would do anything in the world for her. why doesnt she realize that i care and she had someone who would do anything to make her ahppy everyday. why couldnt she find it in her heart to discuss her problems. why couldnt she give me a chance. it feels like the area of trust that i put in her has been trampled.... why doesnt she realize that the grass isnt always greener. why doesnt she realize she had someone who really cared..

[McmasterMcgee]

within her breakup note, lies she needs to deal with school and that she needs to think her life over. also her dad lies to me about her being home, (ive called maybe once or twice before the breakup.)

 

i've been thinking about what she wrote, and maybe it just is what it is. sounds to me like she needs to focus on her future more than her relationship. sure i was wrong to blow up the time that i did, but i think it was just the straw that broke the cammel's back... sure i contributed to it but i think it was more school related versus me. i think she just needs time to get her ducks in a row, and if thats the case then i'm the one being selfish... this also leads me to believe that there is a good chance in the future when she knows what she is doing that she may want to come back to me. in her note she says that she still cares for me, and we got along great. i mean never once did we ever really have a conflict until that one time which wasnt even huge. maybe a 5 minute discussion that we didnt see eye to eye.

 

i guess its really just up to me to decide to wait for her or not, and remind myself there is a chance she may not want to get back together even when she knows what she wants. this is just a theory, but the most logical out of all of them. considering she almost failed her class and her dad is the schoolboard president and one mean SOB, i mean he is just a monster(verbal domestic abuse). i think there is too much pressure on her and just not enough room in the picture right now for me.... i guess that real question is now do i wait for the fire to burn out and try and start again, or walk away.

 

please post what you think of this theory, i think its very logical and is supported by many facts. some which may not be stated. ive gone off the deep end a few times but now that ive gotten time to look at the whole picture, its not all about me... unless ofcourse she did just leave me for that one time i got mad....it wasnt even that big, seriously... then she would be the selfish one for not speaking her mind and treating me how she is right now.