when the person who dumped you was the one at fault

[sunday13]

The reason for the end of my last relationship was honestly his fault. I had been contemplating breaking up with him for a month, but believed in us and believed we could overcome our obstacles. We both graduated college the same spring. He moved in with his parents while trying to figure out life, while I had to live with friends until I found a job. (Took me 3 months!) I was understanding of his difficulty finding a job and didn't pressure him. 6 months later we are in the same situation... I have a job and car... he still lives with his parents and drives his dad's old car. We lived an hour apart so it was basically up to me to commute to see him since his car wouldn't make it. Besides that, he didn't have money to take me out much, so I ended up footing the bill most of the time. I still believed in us though because I loved him and I knew he was smart and could get a good job if he just tried a little harder. I never nagged, never complained... the only time I did mention how much it sucked that he lived with his folks was, at Thanksgiving I got sick at his parent's house and had to drive home sick. I couldn't stay there. I just felt like he didn't really put a lot of effort in... I was working my * * * off...working 3 jobs...just so we could have a relationship. He cared about me to pieces... I know this... he was just so depressed that he handicapped himself. Then he broke up with me.

 

I didn't think I would be so upset. I miss him like I have never missed an ex before... we had a very strong bond... we were best friends. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that after all I put up with and all I did to make us work that HE dumped ME!

 

He used the "you were wonderful, you did nothing wrong" line...and I actually believe it. Of course there are always things I could have done better...but nothing to warrant our relationship coming to an end. He has not been out with his friends...he has become a hermit. I want to get in touch with him (it's been 2 months) but I don't know what good that would do. He broke up with me... if he wants to talk he knows my number. It is still hard though when the person you love most is the person you can't call.

[redsuede]

Im so glad to see that you wrote "I dont know what good that would be" in context to contacting him. That is the bottom line with contact. Would it do any good. Most of the time NO. It might make you feel things you have laid to rest. I can tell you that nothing sucks more than putting so much in a relationship, doing most of the work just to have them break up with you, ... So, for that... My deepest empathy to you.. I am sorry you are going through this.

[lady00]

I think you need to try to see the bigger picture. Right now, in your mind, thoughts of your ex are so large that they are overtaking other things. You can and will be fine without him. You just need to get to a point where you truly do believe that. Start by doing something that makes you feel good and getting to a place where you can take yourself to that good feeling whenever you feel down about your ex. It really works but you have to be willing to try it and to be committed to it. It's not about not thinking about him or not wanting him back, it's about changing the way you feel towards him and the whole relationship so that when you think of it or him you can immediately stop the negative thinking and switch over to positive thoughts of something that makes you feel good and pursue that good feeling with all of your energies by making plans and acting upon them to achieve the things that will give you more of that feeling.

 

I hope what I've said makes some sense. Continue NC but you need to do more. You need to work on the way you think, the way you view your world and how your ex fits into it. You need to practice thoughts that make you feel good and turn those thoughts into actions that can make you continue to feel good.

[isidore]

"It is still hard though when the person you love most is the person you can't call."

 

That sentence is so beautiful it hurts when I read it. I wish I had more to say, but I don't. What you wrote just really affected me, that's all.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hello Sunday13,

 

I pretty much agree with Lady00. It would be good if you could get out, take up some new activities etc.

 

Two months is a long enough time that I would assume there is no hope of getting back together. (Mayyybe after much more time, he might decide to get his act together, maybe.)

 

But, I wouldn't wait or just keep lamenting even though I know it is hard to move on sometimes.

 

Just my take on it.

 

Good luck and sorry to hear about your situation. I hope things improve for you.

 

Jeff

[sunday13]

i agree that life goes on... i work for a great company and own my own business on the side. after the breakup i got a promotion, and my business has taken off. i have been crazy busy... but at the same time i want to be able to share my success with my "best friend." things are going really well for me in every area of life except for the ex issue. it's not like i am wallowing in misery each night... he text me "happy birthday' this past weekend, and has stated he wants to talk "soon enough" when we are both comfortable...but that message came a month ago. i am moving on and letting go even though i don't want to.

 

i was even dating another guy for a few weeks, but he doesn't compare. my ex def. raised my standards. it's just each guy i try to date only reminds me of how much better my ex was!

 

but...at the same time, for the first time in my life i am ok being single. if i can't find anyone that makes me feel the way my ex did or better, i am happy doing my thing alone.

[lady00]

but...at the same time, for the first time in my life i am ok being single. if i can't find anyone that makes me feel the way my ex did or better, i am happy doing my thing alone.

 

That's great to hear. It's great to be happy being single because if you're not happy being with yourself, no one else will be. It's good that your ex raised your standards because now you won't be wasting your time on any duds and you will be more "efficient" in your dating and seeking out the right kinds of guys.

 

I think you are a good example of how life does go on, but not on it's own, it requires effort and committment to the idea of moving on. Good luck.