just need advice

[confused82]

I am new to this forum and have been reading some really great advice and figured I would try and get some of my own. Just recently my partner and I have broken up after a 6 year relationship. She has told me that she does not think we should have to work this hard at a relationship and just right now she doesnt even want to try. Just to give a little background, We met in my freshman year of college and she is a year younger than me. She has never been hurt before or ever experienced lossing someone she loves. Things between her and I have been really good, we even bought a house and financially commited to each. The house was bought just 5 months ago. I have talked to people young, old, inside the situation, outside the situation and even some of her close friends and everyone has told me they dont understand why she isnt trying and why she is giving up so easy. Her and I do fight and argue quite a bit however she has never come to me and told me, "hey the things you are doing are really getting to me and they need to stop because I may have to leave." She even told me that was one of the issues, she lets things fester and they get to a point of no return, so now no matter what I do or say it is not going to work at this point however I dont understand why she just doesnt try and work through those feelings.

I dont think I am being blinded by love because I have heard from plenty of people that they think the issues are minimal and can be worked out and that they all thought her and I had a good relationship. We did separate for exactly a week so she could think and I did not contact her at all and gave her the space but she came back and told me she is not sure when her feelings will change and as of right now she cant do this. We have been broken up for 4 days and I have had not contact again but soon we will have to figure out all the financial stuff.

 

does anyone have any advice for me? this really hurts and I dont know how I will live without her!!!!

 

PS As far as I know she doesnt have someone else. I have asked her and to be honest she is very busy and when she is not at work we are together and nothing weird has happened in that mannor so it gives me no reason to think she has someone else.

[astaro]

could she be getting cold feet? buying a house together is a massive step and could defanently scare people. also, have you guys spoken about marrige? you've been together for 6 years and she might be feeling like its dragging out for to long and she wants to settle down.

 

another option is she grew out of the relashonship, people change and sometimes for no specific reason a relashonship could just be no good for one (or both) of the partners.

[doblersdream]

Hi there

 

Firstly, my sympathy to you in this difficult situation.

 

I don't know if anyone will be able to give you many genuine words of comfort. It can be very confusing and hard to accept when you're rejected by someone you still love.

 

Your partner appears to have made her intentions clear, if not her feelings. It does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. Often, a situation which seems straightforward to unbiased observers can be a mess of confusion, false hope, and self doubt to those closely involved.

 

For the sake of your own sanity, you need to accept that the relationship is over and move on. How quickly you do that will depend on keeping busy and removing any routines from your life which involved your partner.

 

remember, we're here to help you through this difficult and confusing time.

[JoeWho]

Sorry to hear about your situation. It sucks, I know that all too well. It sounds like she is very passive aggressive which is tough to deal with. My ex was the same way, letting things go so long until it became a huge deal. My advice to you is to just give her her space and in addition to that don't contact her at all. Adopt the attitude that if she doesn't want to be with you then that is her problem and she will regret it. Whatever you do don't beg and cry for her to come back ( the worst thing you could ever do). Maybe she will want you back and maybe she wont, but now you move on as if she will never come back. Doing that is the best thing for you because you will be moving on and many of us have had the unfortunate experience of the good old ex come sniffing around once they see or hear that we have moved on.

 

As for thinking there is no one else, don't be so sure. People are masterful at hiding affairs sometimes. If things don't exactly add up with her reasoning for wanting a break up then don't discount the fact that there may very well be someone else. A lot of times people are afraid to find out their s/o is cheating or ignore the signs. Don't be afraid!!

 

 

Best of luck to you

[confused82]

yes we did talk about marriage we were actually saving up for a ring. we talked alot about our future and what we wanted. I truley think (and i am not being blinded) that she looks at the here and now she is just looking at what is going on with her feelings at this exact moment. I was too dependant on her and she didnt like that BUT never told me. She also didnt like all the fighting but again didnt tell me till it was too late to do something about it. even in the past couple weeks I could feel her love and she would do and say things that are not mistaken. When you are truley out of love with somone you do not do the things she did. She told me she was happy with me and 100 other little things that make it hard for me to believe she honestly doesnt want this anymore. I think she is young (22) and possibly is just looking at now and being selfish and not wanting to work on it. what do you guys think? and again I am not the only one saying this, I have about 15 other people who whole heartedly agree with me. they are not just trying to make me feel better because My mom is very straight forward and wouldnt hold back and she is even confused witht he situation.

 

Help!!!!!!

[astaro]

her being 22 years old reinforces my cold feet theory, finding yourself at 22 with a house and a very long term relationship (let me guess, you two are the example of a long term relationship in your crowd). that could result in A LOT of pressure.

 

if i where you i would give her some space, 4 days is a long time and she is still probably very confused. it does sound like you two have some issues to talk about but you need to wait a while before talking to her and you need to go into the conversation prepared for the worst. non of us actually know what she is thinking and there is no way to read minds last time i checked.

 

if you really want to make this work you need to sit down and figure out your problems, be open and be honest about it when you talk to her, even if your afraid some of the things you say might hurt her. in the long run if you truly want a relationship to work you gotta be honest and open about your problems. if you talk about something that bothers you with her always balance it out with something you think you should change in your self.

 

you are in a very complicated situation and this is all just my perspective, be very careful with what you say and do, if you have issues with being needy you should be very careful with how you approach and talk to her as to not push her away. tread carefully, let this progress naturally, don't add any unneeded pressure into the situation, you are both hurting right now, both vulnerable and both pron to over reacting.

 

good luck man. stay strong.

[confused82]

Yes we are the longest relationship in our crowd. We did talk for 2 hours on the day we broke up and it was very calm and we both said what we had to say. We did not fight and we both spoke from our hearts. I am going to give her the space and she will be contacting me soon to figure out what we are doing with our commitments. I guess my biggest problem is, I really believe she is making a mistake and will regret it later and it may be to late at that point because this has hurt me very much that she doesnt love me or our relationship enough to try and work on things. I do understand that her heart is not in it right now however how does someone give up so fast?

[astaro]

you should be thinking about whether it is a mistake on her part or not. it is out of your hands now and you need to come to grips with that. only real way to get an ex back is to make them realise it. and the only way to do that is to help yourself to be a better person. use the time to work on things you would like to change in yourself, not for her, whether she decides to come back or not.... you will grow and be a better person for it.