her bad self-image results in no sex

[TheFoglifter]

I'll keep this brief as I'm sure its been asked a thousand and one times. All very usual cases: great relationship, mid-twenties, love each other lots, we have loads of fun, together for 3 years, sex all the time at first, blah blah blah except one tiny problem. Honeymoon ended, sex went from anytime anywhere to... quarterly.

 

Very simply: I've tried all the usual stuff. Tried talking, negotiating, begging, paying... She has it firmly etched in her head that she is unattractive and that is all there is to it. No amount of talk from my mouth can make her see otherwise. To make it worse though, she isn't taking any action -- not working out, not dieting. I hate having to suffer for her choices and feelings. It is relevant to state that she has always been overweight from the moment we met, but it didn't become an image problem until after we were a couple.

 

Has anyone successfully beaten this problem? Whether it was getting the person to work out more, or just getting them to be happy with themselves. What can be done? I do not want to end the relationship, I do not want to just shut up and wait until she feels in the mood. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[RooferGirl23]

It is very common that the sex slows dows as the relationship goes on.. But maybe try reverse phycology(sp?) and not say anything to her about it for a while, dont try to boost her esteem, either. she will notice this more than you trying and trying because she may think that the only reason you are saying shes beautifu is to just get in bed. And she will wonder, "why is he not begging?" and she will come to you, then talk.

Its just a sugesstion, but when it happened to me it worked.

[TheFoglifter]

I have tried not saying anything related to sex, and it doesn't work. That advice is suited for people who wait days or a week for sex, not for people who wait months.

 

I have noticed the several times I have tried this technique that there is NO amount of time that is long enough for me not to mention it. I may be able to go a month or two without saying something, but after that, when it is blatantly obvious that the waiting is getting to me, there is no way I can broach the subject that doesn't come accross as "whats the damn holdup" and lets face it, that is exactly what it is. Come on, making me wait is NOT going to make me want it less. Its like assuming that the longer you go without breathing, the less you'll need oxygen.

 

I have since stopped bidding her compliments since she doesn't believe them anyway. Then she got angry at me because she put on a nice outfit, but I didn't say anything. I'm pretty sure that if I HAD said anything, she'd have spat on it anyway, so its a pick my poison kind of case.

 

I think the best advice I've heard on the matter is to do my damnedest to reduce her importance in my life. In a supply and demand situation, she knows that she has no possibility of a lack of supply because anytime she wants it, I'm ready to go. If time with me was suddenly scarce, then she might have to put forth more effort.

[sanj101ca]

Just pull back and give her space. Let her miss you....if she doesn't time to move on.

[Locke2121]

First of all, not giving her the attention she needs is somewhat cruel. It does NOT send the message "Why is he not begging?" It reenforces her self image of being ugly or overwieght! To her mind, you've confirmed her suspicions by loosing all interest in her as a sensual and sexual being.

 

You need to let her know that you love her just the way she is. Not so much through words..anyone can say "oh your so pretty" You need actions, ones that leave a mark in her mind.....lets see if I can explain.

 

In the mornings, don't give her a peck on the cheek as you head out the door...kiss the back of her neck, that ticklish area that most women have. Then simply leave. That kiss will remain with her the rest of the day. Let it slide a day or so. Then, at an opportune time, come up behind her, wrap your arms around her and breathe in the scent of her hair. Then another kiss, quick hug and go back to what your doing. From time to time, as you pass by, rub your hand lightly over her side or back.

 

Over time, these caresses and kisses will start to tell her something. That you are patient, and want to give her the time she needs to be comfortable with herself. At the same time, she will see that you find her magnificent just the way she is.

 

Its a long process, it can take days, weeks or even months. But it will work in the end. She will realize that she doesn't have to look like a supermodel, that your hers and you love her just the way she is. Don't rush it, she'll get the idea soon enough.

 

Good luck!

[Clementine orange]

Women and their various damaged self esteems!!!! Very annoying. Thanks for nothing Cosmo and the media in general.

 

Lock2121's advice is great - if you have the patience

 

san101ca's advice is probably what I'd do.

 

I've been in this situation before and found it infuriating. It is also a reflection on how much she values you as well. ie: if she thinks she's "nothing" well then you are the lover of "nothing"....that makes you less than nothing.

[Locke2121]

Lock2121's advice is great - if you have the patience

 

Its sort of like fishing really. If you want to land the really big keepers, you've got to be willing to play them as long as it takes....the rewards are well worth it!

[fnlyfrei]

Try some romance? I haven't read about anything to that effect. I know for me...if sex is treated like some type of duty I must perform...I don't wanna do it. Sex is supposed to be fun. Perhaps you two are in a rut?

And as far as the body image thing goes...I have the same issues, connected to other issues. I did go to the gym, I lost lots of weight, I even had an augmentation done....I dressed differently, even wore a bikini for the first time in public. And...I enjoyed sex. In fact, with my new confidence and sex drive...my husband did NOT like it. He was used to the dumpy...low esteemed me. Now we are divorced. She firstly needs to make up her own mind to change herself to make herself feel better. Your only job is to let her know you love her just the way she is...on her bad days and good days. That way, when she does lose the weight...and looks bangin' hot...she knows you love her...for her. As women we are fully aware of how visual men are...and what the media is like. It is very easy to get down on yourself. And sex should be a part of a big picture. Are you close, are you friends? Do you talk and enjoy other activites? If communication is limited and things are in a rut..that doesn't help either. Try rocking the boat. Mix it up. Help make it fun.

[TheFoglifter]

I understand what locke is trying to say about subtle reinforcement. I have tried it and its had no noticeable effect. This isn't a new relationship by any means so it is possible that we are beyond the point where subtle cues can have a large impact.

 

Sorry to sound like the typical ungrateful poster shooting down so much, but I'm definitely beyond the "level 1" type suggestions. She has also vetoed counselling, and vetoed drugs (as in, libido-enhancing products).

 

I reiterate that I will try to get "out of the house" more so that I become a scarce resource, as such. I am always open to other creative ideas as well.

[Clementine orange]

Your signature says it all....unfortunately.

 

It is terrible to play games (such as making your self a scare commodity) but your options are limited at this point.

[Locke2121]

Hmm....ok thats not so good. Her biggest problem then is herself. She absolutly won't attend couseling or work on her image? NONE? I don't know what to say to that. If she is so locked up in herself, unable and unwilling to change because of her own messed up perceptions, then I don't know what to tell you.

 

You can keep making yourself scarce if you want. But I don't really think it'll help in the long run. The problem isn't with your avaliblity, or her sex drive. Its her own mental inhibitions and fears that are getting in the way. If she refuses to talk about them and get them out of the way, then I'm afraid your stuck.....sorry.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Tricky one - I think I would try to make her feel valued and gorgeous, and that it's not just trying to get her into bed.

 

And talk to her about it - ask her how you're going to work this out as a couple; both of you take responsibility for this, but how are you going to take it forward and move past this? Make her realise that this problem is putting your whole relationship in jeopardy.

 

There's also couples counselling - might that be an option for you?

 

Finally - I respond well to being told I'm gorgeous and lovely by my bloke, especially when he does it in unusual ways. Using different phrases and praising different bits of me, rather than just 'sexy' and 'beautiful', try saying something that is specific to her - 'you have incredibly elegant eyebrows' for instance. I know it sounds weird, but thoughtful, unusual compliments are a killer!

 

I reckon you've tried a lot of this though - it is tricky! Dont' give up, I bet your girlfriend is as miserable as you about this if not more so - make it something that you solve together!

 

Good luck.

[TheFoglifter]

I have rewritten this post about 12 times now and so I'm just going to come straight out and ask what I want to ask.

 

Be more romantic is a phrase tossed around so much that it has little meaning. Now I DO have an imagination and can think for myself -- perhaps some dinners by candlelight, playing music, reading poetry, putting rose petals on the floor, drawing a bath for her and massaging her feet are things I've already tried and I believe that they DO make her happy, and I KNOW she APPRECIATES them. They don't get me sex, and I suppose they aren't supposed to. Perhaps thinking that transparently is my problem, and I agree that I need to work on that. My singular focus is probably as big a contributer to the problem, or at least a source of fuel for it. I will work on that, but it won't be easy, as I repeat, starving me won't make me lose my appetite.

 

I want to explore the "Be more romantic" idea, but please confirm my fears that "romantic" isn't just another word for "expensive". Seems to me like a lot of the "romantic displays of affection" that are tossed around are quite pricey.

 

If the idea is just to "shake up the routine" then yes, we sorely need that. I just hope that can be done without requiring that I dig a financial grave.

[Locke2121]

Romance doesn't mean cleaning out your wallet! It can cost you nothing more than a bottle of good wine. That, coupled with a walk along the beach at dusk, as the sun settles below the horizon, then snuggling next to a roaring beachwood fire is wonderfully romantic.

 

 

Romantic can be hard to define I suppose. To me, snuggling together under a thick blanket, just enjoying BEING is romantic. For others a quiet ride through the countryside, capped with a simple picnic under a spreading oak is romantic.

 

Romantic doesn't have to cost you a dime. Its not a purchase to take out of a shopping bag...its a way of life, a single moment in time. Its the sparkle in your eyes when you look at her, full of love and she sees you as the only man in her life she loves and cares about.

 

 

I hope that made sense.

[Iceman26]

Though you don't want to, I would end the relationship. It sounds like you have given it your all, why let her drag you down with her?

 

You can't change people unless they want to change, and she doesn't sound like someone that wants to change the way she feels about herself.

 

That kind of behavior gets old really quick and life is just too short.

[Honey Pumpkin]

For me, being more romantic is more about an attitude than anything else. That you kiss the hell out of each other not because it's a prelude to sex, but because you are so into each other that you want to snog for hours - think like teenagers, and how turned on that got you!

 

It's more like hugging and kissing through the day, sexy thoughts and images, and less like it's all leading to an end point (penetrative sex). I saw a great tip on a programme once, where a couple had to be very sexy with each other, but weren't allowed to have sex or orgasm. After a week, to be crude, they were totally gagging for it (this was a couple who weren't having a good sex life). I think there is something about BANNING sex that makes it more of a goal, somehow. You know, forbidden fruit and all that.

 

I think I can find the reference if you like.

[TheFoglifter]

So the problem is that I have a goal in mind, and so long as I chase the goal, I will not get the goal. Instead I need to forget the goal and focus on the journey, and in doing so the goal will come of its own accord?

 

I can see some merit to this -- and I guess that is why nobody can really "tell" anyone what to do. They can say what worked for them, but its no guarantee that it will work for me. I suppose its just necessary to ask the question every so often just in case others' ideas lead to something I can adapt.

 

Thank you for your time.

[Locke2121]

Yes, that it! The goal is nothing! Once you reach the goal, you have to start looking for something else.

 

But going for the goal! Now thats something..the trips, tumbles, sweet stolen moments...they are whats important.

 

You want sex...or do you want romance? Sex is nothing, a mere physical coupling between a man and...well between two people. But romance...thats the spice. To hold her in your arms as you fall into bed...the sighs and "I love you's" that follow....the sweet afterglow. Thats a goal to strive for, and there is such a sweet path that leads to it.

[TheFoglifter]

I want both, like we used to have.

[Locke2121]

Ok....then maybe what you need is a trial separation. Here me out. Its time to pull apart, rediscover the people you used to be, and then try to recapture that old spark.

 

People change when the get into a relationship, its a fact of life. About 8 times out of ten, the person we get into a relationship with changes..and ourselves as well. Its not a bad thing, it just happens. Very often we adjust and find out we like this new person even more than the old one.

 

So, set her down and talk about it. Tell her that the fire seems to be gone, but you don't want to give up! Tell her its time that the two of you do someting to rekindle it. Going out dancing one the weekends, skiing, theater..whatever it was that the two of you enjoyed so much in the beginning, get it going again!

 

Because you aren't happy now...and that unhappiness is going to destroy the relationship sooner or later.

[TheFoglifter]

Thats kind of whats funny about it -- being together is what got us together, as such. We were friends who got along so well that the relationship progressed naturally. Its not like we met at the salsa club or in an art gallery.

 

I think the closest solution was what we discussed before -- reversing the downward spiral by changing the goal. Maybe if I can truly subordinate getting sex as the end goal, it will motivate her to do more things of her own accord, like shape up?