UPDATE - how to tell if gf had a promiscuous past?

[whattheheck]

Well, thanks to all who responded last week to my thread.

 

Anyway, I finally asked - and a lot of you wanted to know why I waited so long to ask - the reason is - I didn't want to ask, but I started wondering lately.

 

That's just the way I am - when I fall for someone, I get curious about their past - it's an issue I always had.

 

Anyway, we started talking a bit about our pasts, and I asked -

 

she said she has been with 8 people, and a 4-5 more just oral. Well, she asked me too, and I told her the truth - 15 people, 4-5 more just oral.

 

At first, she said that she was uncomfortable talking about it because she said she was afraid that her number would be way lower than mine, and she would get a little jealous of me and my past experiences. Anyway...

 

To me, someone who is in mid to late 30's, and never been married, only two serious bf, would have had a higher number than 8, so I 'm not sure if I believe her, but I will never bring it up again - i just hope she is telling the truth, because she has told little white lies about other unimportant things before. So that is why I'm not sure if she is honest.

 

BTW, I was non judgemental, and she wasn't either. She even said she wondered about my past, too.

 

Anyway, that subject is over, but i just hope she is telling the truth.

 

Any more input greatly appreciated.

[sophie274]

Well, if it was bothering you then I guess it was good that you asked. Not sure what the point of asking is though if you are certain she is lying ... (Which is strange in itself - did you lie?) ... and if you think the subject is "unimportant" then why did you ask?

 

Now that you have your answer I think you should let the subject rest.

 

BTW, her number seems totally normal to me.

[whattheheck]

You must have misread my post - I said she has lied about other unimportant things before - not about this subject.

 

that is why I am wondering if she is telling the truth - I never said I was certain that she was lying.

 

No, I didn't lie to her.

[fnlyfrei]

That is SO awesome !... She told you EXACTLY what you wanted to hear...and the part about her being afraid her number was going to be lower than yours...icing on the cake. You should be happy. She must be a very selective person with great self-control. I would hold onto her if I were you !

[CarnelianButterfly]

Why does it matter how many people she's been with? If she's clean there's no problem.

[whattheheck]

fnlyfrei - you seem a little sarcastic again.

 

Let me clear this up - It is not exactly what I wanted to hear - I wasn't even sure what I wanted to hear. I didn't have a number in mind - i just wanted to know.

 

And btw, she wanted to know too, and I answered.

 

My whole point of the original thread was that I was curious, but did not want to ask - that is why it too kme so long to ask - because I' not sure if it was appropriate - that's all I was saying last week.

 

And yes, it is important to me to know, but that is an issue of mine - wether good or bad - it's an issue I always had.

 

anyway - I will never bring it up again.

[fnlyfrei]

I wasn't being sarcastic. I am just happy for you that her numbers were so low. You said you did not want to be with someone dirty or sleazy. She sounds like she really, really has alot of self respect. Congrats !

[whattheheck]

what would you constitute as dirty or sleazy??

 

To some, her number might be really dirty and sleazy!!!

 

And to some, my number might be extra dirty and sleazy!!!

 

I guess it is all relative.

 

But thank you for responding - I know this was a touchy subject.

 

But most of you are correct - I really didn't solve a darn thing by asking her.

[whattheheck]

BTW, aren't most people curious about their bf/gf past?

 

Or is it that most of you are curious and just don't ask?

 

 

Just wondering, thanks.

[whattheheck]

YOKEYDOKEY - You didn't tell her? Why not?

 

When my SO asks me, I never had a problem with telling my number?

 

Why do you have to hide your number?

 

Also, I agree with you - I aint no saint (as far as my past goes)

[fnlyfrei]

what would you constitute as dirty or sleazy??

 

To some, her number might be really dirty and sleazy!!!

 

And to some, my number might be extra dirty and sleazy!!!

 

I guess it is all relative.

 

But thank you for responding - I know this was a touchy subject.

 

But most of you are correct - I really didn't solve a darn thing by asking her.

 

 

I guess from what everyone has been saying here...it doesn't matter what ANYONE else thinks of her numbers. It matters what you think. And I wouldn't ask my fiance'..and I am not even curious. As long as he was/is true to me from the point we became exclusive, that is what counts to me.

I have a very good friend who seems to sleep with men after barely knowing them...I don't consider her sleazy, I just know she has serious issues with self-respect and insecurity. She is college educated and has a very high IQ...she goes to a therapist about this...I would never call her names, I just feel bad for her. She can't seem to keep a relationship. As a result she suffers from depresson. There many different perspectives and sides of stories...nothing is black and white and I wouldn't judge anyone until I walked a mile or ten, in their shoes.

Namaste'

[CarnelianButterfly]

What if the number had been higher? More than you even?

[whattheheck]

What if the number had been higher? More than you even?

 

good question - I guess that's why i should not have asked in the first place.

[whattheheck]

Thanks for responding again. I have been thinking a lot about this subject the last week or so. And I truly feel I have a problem - I will NEVER EVER ask her these things, but I am always curious about what she has tried, where she has tried it, how "kinky" she may have been in the past, etc...

 

I know it is a problem I have - it just gives me a sick feeling thinking of her and her past experiences.

 

SO....Do you (or anyone else) have any ideas how to get over thinking about her past?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I think it has a lot to do with maturity. You have to realize that before you were together, the person you dated had a life of their own and had choices and situations that didn't involve you. They had no responsibility for your emotions or loyalties to you.

[fnlyfrei]

I know it is a problem I have - it just gives me a sick feeling thinking of her and her past experiences.

 

SO....Do you (or anyone else) have any ideas how to get over thinking about her past?

 

How to quit thinking of the past...or an imagined past even. Hmm...firstly, jealousy or that feeling you have is because you might imagine that experiences she had before you were really great in every way. Think of this. She has lived for all those years as a single female. She could have chosen anyone else...and still could if you two break up. She chose YOU. You must have that special sumpin'-sumpin' she has waited for. I am sure feeling loved, accepted and cherished...and very special is part of that. If someone spoils that by being punitive and jealous over something which you cannot control anymore...and really...you cannot control your past....or hers. It just makes me sad to think that two people who love each other, and are being true to each other...could let it be spoiled by concentrating on what you cannot change. Now if ther are different trust issues...that have manifested themselves since you have started seeing each other...that is a different issue entirely.

[amtjrtcet]

Thanks for responding again. I have been thinking a lot about this subject the last week or so. And I truly feel I have a problem - I will NEVER EVER ask her these things, but I am always curious about what she has tried, where she has tried it, how "kinky" she may have been in the past, etc...

 

I know it is a problem I have - it just gives me a sick feeling thinking of her and her past experiences.

 

SO....Do you (or anyone else) have any ideas how to get over thinking about her past?

 

I know what you're saying....when I think about how wonderful my b/f is to me and how amazing our sex life is, I can't help but wonder if he was the same way with his exes. Then my mind begins to wonder, and I find myself all flustered thinking about him being with other women. But then I take a deep breath, sit back and realized-that's the past, a past I wasn't around for. I have a past, he probably wonders th same things about me. He loves me, he's with me......and I let it go.

[deejay74]

I think it has a lot to do with maturity. You have to realize that before you were together, the person you dated had a life of their own and had choices and situations that didn't involve you. They had no responsibility for your emotions or loyalties to you.

 

this is true but your past experiences make up the person you are now.

 

my ex told me she slept with over 40 guys. OVER 40!!! some of them were older men in their 40s and she's only 28. after dating her, i will NEVER date another female who's been with more than 20.

 

my ex still is the same way even though she claimed, while with me, that she wasn't like that anymore. she's a selfish person and obviously can be substantiated on her past sexual history. i firmly believe she cheated on me and left me for someone else. she claimed that she wasn't like that anymore and needed "to fill a void in her life with sex" back then. she also had 2 abortions. i am glad i know this because i know the person she is, even though when she told me i believed she changed because she said she did. my how i was fooled.

 

i know my post here will cause controversy but this is my experience. other girls whom i've dated, or just were friends with, who've slept with many men (i.e.; over 30) were all emotionally or mentally unstable or had some real issues that needed to be dealt with. ALL OF THEM.

 

i know that some of you women who have been with over 20 or 30 guys will claim you're perfectly normal. perhaps a bit hornier than most other women?

 

i think guys who've been with many, many women have issues as well.

 

i don't think it's a bad thing to ask your significant other how many sexual partners they've had. it's for your own safety too. i have no quams about admitting my sexual past, albeit it isn't that much. only 15.

 

and because these people who've had over 30, 40, 50, or more sexual partners means that if you slept with them with no protection, than you're sleeping with all their partners too. so yes, it does involve you even though they didn't know you or have any emotional ties or loyalties to you.

 

lastly, i feel that women who have had many sexual partners would not care that much about me, and being intimate with me, because of their past. that's how i felt with my ex.

 

it's not about quantity, but quality. and ironically, my ex was the biggest bore in bed.

[CarnelianButterfly]

How many women have you been with though? Does your number count to you as an marker of your well being and not some trumped up idea of ego?

[MushroomGod]

It doesn't matter what she did before you. It matters who she is now. I've dated girls who have been with like no one and others that have been with many.

 

When I was in high school it bugged me, but I learned that the past is the past, sex is sex. If she is healthy what does it matter?

 

Having a problem with it usually means you are insecure about your abilities. You feel you can't live up to other guys (at least that's how I felt). You have to get over this and be comfortable with yourself.

[shikashika]

I think this all depends on where you're from.

 

In GENERAL.. Canadians and Americans are much more prude than Europeans ... notice i say in GENERAL

 

It seems that there are more Canadian and Americans that I know that make these 'numbers' so much more of an issue than my European friends and relatives

 

just an observation

[EvaGina]

Im glad the OP asked her honestly and that he is choosing to have faith in her honesty