If she wants me back... My Response.

[MasterT]

I have been thinking about the situation that would arise if my ex was to return. And I've been thinking to myself:

 

What can I do to feel better if she does return?

 

Right now I'm honestly still a bit afraid of the idea. Don't get me wrong, I want her back, but I don't want to just welcome her with open arms like nothing happened only to have her leave a few weeks or months later because she was just having an insecure moment. I love her, and although I cannot vouch for her, I believe she loved me in the past, but I came up with an idea that I think more or less would benefit both of us if she does return.

 

Should she come to me and reconcile, asking for me back, I plan on calmly handing her a sheet of paper and asking her to complete a simple task for the next two days.

 

On the first side, I want her to write down her reasons for wanting me back. Why she loves me (if she does), but more or less why she wants me back.

 

Reason? This gets her to think. If she really wants me back, she'll have plenty of good reasons instead of bogus ones, and I hope she'll notice that and think long and hard about it.

 

On the second side, I'd want her to write down what she wants (notice I said wants), to do to get me back. If she really wants me back in her life, she'll have a list there of things she wants to do to get me back.

 

Finally, I'd tell her to do whatever she writes on the second side.

 

What does this accomplish? It makes her think hard if she really wants me back. (Prevention of her coming back just to satisfy her insecurities). It also makes her take action over just coming to me asking me to take her back.

 

In the end, such an idea can wind up in a losing situation, or at least that's how some people may view it. To me, I think this is a win-win situation, because if she did want me back, she'd see it in every step of doing this.

 

So guys and gals, what do you think? Too pushy? Not a good idea? Good idea? What?

[Dako]

Lots of people dream of the ex returning so they can spurn them.

My honest opinion is that this is a version of the revenge fantasy, disguised as constructive reasoning.

If you want her or not, a written test won't change who she is.

 

It'll just humiliate her.

[MasterT]

Really? Because I'm not seeking revenge, but rather I just want to make sure she and I both feel like we are making the right decision.

 

Well I presume you have a point there. A written document isn't going to prove or change anything, even if she takes the actions she writes on it. Oh well. It was me trying to apply logic to that kind of situation. Logic and the heart don't mix. I guess I'll just have to do things the old fashioned way and pray for the best if she does return.

[melrich]

I don't think anyone would react too well to this to be honest. It does somehow smack of "You've been a naughty girl now here is some homework for you to do."

 

If I were you, if she wants to get into a new relationship with you, I'd talk to her about it. Don't hand her a list of tasks to be completed.

[MasterT]

Yep. Sounds understandable melrich. I think I should just stop applying logic to this sort of thing >_

[melrich]

Well you know we play around with all sorts of ideas when we are going through something like this. Some work, some don't.

 

That's why this is such a great place, you can test them out here first and no harm done.

[lessy20]

If I decided to go back to an ex, and they handed me a piece of paper and told me all that, I would calmly hand it back, and walk away. It feels too much like a teacher where you have to write sentences as punishment. Can you not just talk to her and ask her these questions? It just sounds so parental or something to have her write her answers down and then turn them in to you, to see if you approve.

[MasterT]

Indeed. I'm glad to have found this place when I did. It stopped me from making several mistakes already.

[MasterT]

If I decided to go back to an ex, and they handed me a piece of paper and told me all that, I would calmly hand it back, and walk away. It feels too much like a teacher where you have to write sentences as punishment. Can you not just talk to her and ask her these questions? It just sounds so parental or something to have her write her answers down and then turn them in to you, to see if you approve.

 

Valid point. This idea is now dead.

[MasterT]

So what is to be done if she wants you back? Do you just trust her words, because I've always been thought actions speak louder than words? Do you just have faith?

[lessy20]

Well you have to have faith and trust her words. I mean she has to show you she's willing to change as well, but you can't tell that immediately, you have to give her time to show you. That's why relationships are a gamble sometimes, you have to be willing to give her a chance and risk being hurt again, but giving that chance may be completely worth it.

[johnnynz]

I'm in a similar situation myself. My ex dumped me nearly a year ago now and we 'got back together' (notice the quotes) about 1.5 months ago. She well and truly broke my heart into a million pieces when we broke up, I was a wreck. She dated some other guy for a few months, we kept in casual contact and then somewhat mutually decided to give things another go not long ago. It was all good at first, we went out lots together again, I was happy. However there was still a sign of lingering doubt from her.

 

I really do love her to bits, and want nothing more than things to work out for us. I want to have a family and settle down with her, but to be completely honest I can't see things working, as she doesn't seem in to it in the least. She tells me she loves me one week then the next doesn't seem to care even for my friendship.

 

Getting back with an ex is a hard road from what I've seen. You both need to be 600% committed to it. For me and mine, the main reason we broke up in the first place was because neither of us could be bothered putting in the effort required to maintain the relationship, so as a result, it withered away and died.

 

The only advice I can offer you is be sure within you it's what you want. Some things aren't meant to be, however much you want them.

[majord23]

Hi Master T,

I completely understand your motivation for wanting to take such an action -and I think it is only the 'execution' that is perhaps questionable.

Relationships always require the efforts of two people to be successful, but your plan was putting the onus entirely on your ex.

 

I think perhaps a better way of going about it, if the situation were ever to arise, would be to sit down with her and have a frank and honest talk - both of you sharing your thoughts as to why the relationship 'failed' and what you would *both* do to ensure that it didn't happen again.

 

Then, if you are *both* satisfied with that discussion, you move forward.

 

Just my thoughts buddy.

[MasterT]

Thanks everyone.

 

Johnnyz: Yea, it is a hard road. Everyday I wake up fighting with myself to stay positive. She's had nothing but odd behavior ever since the breakup, so who knows what she is thinking. That's why I have to focus hard on the NC.... Harder for me than some since we're both in a University setting and we are forced to use some of the same facilities and routes.

 

Majord23: Yea that's what I am going to do. If the situation does arise, I'm just going to have a talk with her.