I need your advice --PLEASE!

[caro33]

I'm passive because, I've lied to her. What more should I do? I was wrong to lie and now I need to make things right.

 

Well like I said, it's not just apologising for past stuff-ups, but a genuine dedication to change that is warranted. You need to be contrite yes, but you need to demonstrate to her that this won't happen again. You and she need to develop a plan to ensure this can't happen again. Maybe she takes more responsibility here, but it needs to look like you're not just abdicating responsibility yourself.

[blackcloud]

Give us an example? It's hard to get any context because I have no idea what you are doing with the money.

 

Okay. I'm going to tell you what happened this last time because you don't know me from Adam.

 

Last Monday, I was getting ready for work. I needed gas for my car, but I just paid a big bill and I was afraid of using my bank card so I won't have a negative balance. We have separate banks accounts, but we are nomally cool if we need money from one another. Anyway I grabed her bank card for gas without asking. I started her car and brushed off the snow and got gas and then bought coffee for us. I was going to return it to her with the coffee then I'd leave for work. When I returned she was waiting in her car. I gave her the coffee, but I was ashamed that I took the card and didn't tell her. If I told her she probably wouldn't care. Well, she couldn't find it and thought she lost it. She ask me if I had it and I said "no". So she reported it stolen and the whole thing went crazy because of me. So as you can see I'm a complete idiot! I came clean and she wants to kill me. Yes, yes I am a loser!

[melrich]

OK that was a stupid thing to do but something is not gelling here blackcloud.

 

In the case you mention, that is not bad money management. You bought essentials. The lying is one thing...that is an issue you need to talk over and you need to get past that somehow.

 

But your original post was about money management and your wife wanting you to get a second job.

 

You say you earn good money, you don't drink a lot, you don't do drugs, you are not financially destitute etc etc.

 

So I'm not getting it. Where is this "money" going? If it is just on essentials like gas then it is not being wasted. If your wife is trying to get you to take a second job because you have lied, that is inappropriate.

 

If she's trying to get you to take a second job because you have lost 1000s and 1000s of dollars, that may be another matter. But I have no sense of what it is you have done to lose money or waste money or whatever you wish to call it.

[caro33]

So how is this about managing money? I see the first sentence was about money, but the real problem was not fundamentally about money as I see it but about your communication with your wife and some apparent nervousness on your behalf to (a) ask for the card, and (b) let her know you had it. That's something else, not money.

 

How is you giving up your hobbies and getting a second job addressing this?

[caro33]

I keep getting pipped at the post, hey that's a pun. Sorry.

 

I agree with melrich. This isn't really making sense to me either.

[blackcloud]

If she's trying to get you to take a second job because you have lost 1000s and 1000s of dollars, that may be another matter. But I have no sense of what it is you have done to lose money or waste money or whatever you wish to call it.

 

I've never lost $1000 and $1000 of dollars. I've just made a lot of stupid acts like that. A few years ago things were bad. I had a hard time paying the bills. Late on payments. You know. So my credit rating went in the crapper. So everything cost way more now... rates went up because of my credit rating. So even though things are better now, I'm making more money. The road to a secure finacial future is going to be a long trip.

[blackcloud]

I keep getting pipped at the post, hey that's a pun. Sorry.

 

I agree with melrich. This isn't really making sense to me either.

 

She's tired of my stupidity. It always happens with money. Frankly I'm tired of myself.

 

I'm cool with puns!

[caro33]

Okay.

 

But what I'm missing here are the links betweent the various issues and how they also relate to a future plan of action. I would like to be of some assistance but am struggling with how best to do that.

 

Your behaviour does sound a bit unnecessary, but more about how you manage yourself and her than how you specifically manage money. Money is just where it's most apparent and you guys feel the pinch in a financial sense.

[caro33]

I might elaborate. If you don't mind me asking:

 

(a) Why did you take her card without telling her?

(b) Why once you took the card did you not let her know straight away?

© Why did you then let her go through the stress and inconvenience of worrying about her card and cancelling it?

 

I can imagine taking the card in the first place, but not the other two aspects.

 

How are you guys resolving the above problems and what they symbolise/reflect about your relationship?

[blackcloud]

Your behaviour does sound a bit unnecessary, but more about how you manage yourself and her than how you specifically manage money. Money is just where it's most apparent and you guys feel the pinch in a financial sense.

 

I don't know, we go out on dates, dinners and movies. I try to have us meet up with friends. She goes sometimes to my shows. We have a good time. I'm telling you if we weren't stuggling with this we would be doing great. I've tried to make financial plans, but something always happens. The car need repairs, doctor bill, you know... Then I'm off track again. It's so hard to save money.

[blackcloud]

I might elaborate. If you don't mind me asking:

 

(a) Why did you take her card without telling her?

(b) Why once you took the card did you not let her know straight away?

© Why did you then let her go through the stress and inconvenience of worrying about her card and cancelling it?

 

I can imagine taking the card in the first place, but not the other two aspects.

 

How are you guys resolving the above problems and what they symbolise/reflect about your relationship?

 

(a) I didn't tell her because she would think that I'm not managing my money correctly. Then she would get angry at me. Grill me and I'd feel stupid.

(b) I felt stupid. Ashamed of lying.

© You know how lies get out of control... well this is one of those times.

 

As for resolving things, she wants me to quit the band and get a second job.

[caro33]

I don't know, we go out on dates, dinners and movies. I try to have us meet up with friends. She goes sometimes to my shows. We have a good time. I'm telling you if we weren't stuggling with this we would be doing great. I've tried to make financial plans, but something always happens. The car need repairs, doctor bill, you know... Then I'm off track again. It's so hard to save money.

 

I know we're having multiple conversations here but I wanted to ask about this. Are you perhaps not being realistic enough in your budgets? When planning it's easy to look ahead and assume you will be able to save every dollar not spent on those essentials that come to mind. But surprise bills, fines etc tend to happen. And unless you were particularly forensic about your expenditure, you may well forget some things.

 

A key thing to do is to build a buffer zone into your budgeting. A financial plan must be achievable in the real world. Recognise that you're not infallible and also that spending on some things is a must. For example, your washing machine might die tomorrow - what are you going to do?

[blackcloud]

I know we're having multiple conversations here but I wanted to ask about this. Are you perhaps not being realistic enough in your budgets? When planning it's easy to look ahead and assume you will be able to save every dollar not spent on those essentials that come to mind. But surprise bills, fines etc tend to happen. And unless you were particularly forensic about your expenditure, you may well forget some things.

 

A key thing to do is to build a buffer zone into your budgeting. A financial plan must be achievable in the real world. Recognise that you're not infallible and also that spending on some things is a must. For example, your washing machine might die tomorrow - what are you going to do?

 

I couldn't agree with you more. But it isn't easy you know?

[caro33]

(a) I didn't tell her because she would think that I'm not managing my money correctly. Then she would get angry at me. Grill me and I'd feel stupid.

(b) I felt stupid. Ashamed of lying.

© You know how lies get out of control... well this is one of those times.

 

As for resolving things, she wants me to quit the band and get a second job.

 

Hmm. But it's not like most of the problem above actually had anything to do with your money, let alone getting a second job or quitting the band. Can you not see that?

 

The problems above were your perceptions of her attitude toward you and in your self-perceptions and fear. Now maybe your perceptions of her were correct, in which case that needs to be addressed. You probably need to feel stronger so you can stand up for yourself and not feel threatened by her. She needs to be more supportive and you need to be more clearly making an effort in order to show her support would not be misguided.

 

You may be an appalling money manager but that has nothing to do with how you reacted to your perception of her and yourself here. It's linked to how badly you feel about yourself but it's not the real issue in your example.

[Shiva 2007]

Gee is this for real??? NHBaglady I was just about ready to post the same response as you, I thought it was about my now ex, trying to figure out what people thought about the subject.

Blackcloud, I do respect the fact that at least you are reaching out and unveiling the mask that my ex was always wearing with me, and never told anyone of his circumstances giving the appearance to all that if there were any problems in our relationship was only because of me.

I think, if you love your wife you could agree to put the music aside for a while until you are able to help with the finances. She may, I'm not sure feel otherwise as though your music is more important than the integrity of your relationship to her.

It's your choise of course, if you love music that much some time off wont damage much would it? but not providing for your wife might, it did for me.

I wish you all the best in your decision.

[blackcloud]

So what are you saying in a nutshell?

[caro33]

That the problem is in your communication with one another, not (just) how you manage money. Perhaps you need to address your perceptions of one another and work on building a more trusting environment, in tandem with you showing you can prioritise expenditure and budget accordingly.

[blackcloud]

I think, if you love your wife you could agree to put the music aside for a while until you are able to help with the finances. She may, I'm not sure feel otherwise as though your music is more important than the integrity of your relationship to her.

 

It basically comes down to two years of work and writing. My bandmates are just as dedicated to our band as well. We don't think we are going to get famous but we've all worked hard at it. It means a lot to me. While I don't want to throw that away. I don't want to lose my marriage.

[blackcloud]

That the problem is in your communication with one another, not (just) how you manage money. Perhaps you need to address your perceptions of one another and work on building a more trusting environment, in tandem with you showing you can prioritise expenditure and budget accordingly.

 

Thanks for your time and insight caro33. You've been very helpful!

[caro33]

Are you serious? I would have liked to be helpful but realise I sound like I'm just passing judgement. If you did want to talk more feel free to PM me .

 

I am still struggling with how you giving up the band helps the situation of you feeling bad about what she thinks of you (and what you think of you), but will leave it here if you like.

[blackcloud]

Are you serious? I would have liked to be helpful but realise I sound like I'm just passing judgement. If you did want to talk more feel free to PM me .

 

I am still struggling with how you giving up the band helps the situation of you feeling bad about what she thinks of you (and what you think of you), but will leave it here if you like.

 

I don't know do how quiting the band helps my situation. But you've given me some insight on a possible deeper reasons with things and going so bad. I don't think you want to be troubled with my problems. I'm only reaching out to total strangers because none of you have past prejudices against us like my friends and family might.

[caro33]

Well best of luck with things blackcloud. Try and separate the issues as well as you can; I'm sure it's all pretty overwhelming at the moment, but it should be salvageable if you can get to the heart of how you're both feeling/reacting to one another and why.

[annie24]

make two appointments - 1 with the marriage counselor, and 1 with a financial advisor. plenty of banks offer fianancial advisors, or ask your friends if they are happy with theirs.

 

i am not quite understanding your post, it seems like there is a lot of miscommunication here, and with your wife. why does she want you to get a second job so badly? are you in dire problems? does it make more sense for you to get a second job, or to go back and get some more education/skills so you can get a better paying single job? and what about her? when she finishes school, how much will she be making?

 

you are a grown adult, so stop making excuses like you are a financial idiot. you have to become somewhat responsible, so don't hide behind excuses. you and your wife should talk to a financial advisor, decide what your goals are, and then go from there, work out a plan. you may not need to get a second job at all. if you looked at your budget carefully, there could be all sorts of expenses that you don't need to be making, like constant dinners out, drinks, buying random stuff for the house, etc..... if you watch where your money is going, i bet you guys could save several hundred dollars a month.

 

I don't advocate giving up all your hobbies, you have to have fun and friends too, otherwise, you will be miserable.

 

good luck

[EvaGina]

What I dont understand, is how you manage to still mess up after 8 years.

ANYONE can learn to manage their funds... Macca's little brother is Autistic, not mildly either... and he deals his money well...

 

I dont think its so much you CANT get it, but you have convinced yourself its just not your thing, which is complete bs...

[blackcloud]

What I dont understand, is how you manage to still mess up after 8 years.

ANYONE can learn to manage their funds... Macca's little brother is Autistic, not mildly either... and he deals his money well...

 

I dont think its so much you CANT get it, but you have convinced yourself its just not your thing, which is complete bs...

 

Wow, if there one thing that I've noticed in my life is that people are so non-understanding of anyone who isn't good with money. I do play the bills and I mean all the bills. My wife goes to school and she helps out a little with her part-time job. But I've just never got it down. Although I've tried and tried.

 

Why don't you make your own auto repairs? Why don't you paint a portrait of your family? Why don't you? -- because most people can't! Thoses people aren't bashed by others because they can't do these things. But if someone who tries and tries with his money and he can't make things work right -- he's suddenly worse off that your autistic little brother! Thanks! How understanding!