Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Well..... I'm back in the house, back in the same bed (but if we had a spare room, I would be in there). We have decided to give it another try!! We are going to start dating again. We have talked through our issues, and sorted just about all of them..... The only issue I still have, that I expressed last night, but she got wound up about, wasoutside influences in our relationship! Namely her best friend! I asked if we could keep our relationship issues between ourselves, and not involve anybody else, but she said tat she still needs er support. Her best friend has been divorced before, and is currently on medication for depression, and she is giving my wife advice on marriage???!!!! My wife refuses to choose between us (not that I have asked her to). When we decided to give us another try, I could sense that she was uneasy about it, and after a little questioning, worked out that she was worried about what her friend was going to think!! So my plan is...... to be as nice as I possibly can, without suffocating her, and show her friend that she was wrong!!!! Hardest part will be keeping negative thoughts out of my head... wish me luck (again).... Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Sounds like an uphill battle. If she's more worried about what her friend will think than about your mutual future....well. Have you been married for a long spell? I wish you luck, in life in general. Link to comment
DN Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I have to agree with isidore. I would not be happy being in a marriage with someone who not only talked about the marriage to an outsider but was more concerned about her friends feelings than mine. Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I wouldn't not be very happy of her friend's opinion meaning so much. This is your relationship, not the friends, she should only be support and not a deciding factor. It sounds like the friend might have poisoned your wife's ear with negativity. I don't think you should ask your wife to not talk to her friend, but ask her to take her friends opinion with a grain of salt. Mention the fact that she is divorced and depressed and make it clear to your wife these things are most likely tempering her friends advice. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 I think if my wife had've taken her friends advice, we wouldn't have been together today. She does have her own mind, and makes her own decisions, but the healing that she needs to do will take longer, if she keeps getting negative feedback from her closest confider. So I feel that if I can do nothing, but portray positivity, all she will be relaying to her friend is positivity, and her friend will back off...? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 If your wife makes it clear to her friend that you are trying to get back together and work thing out, the friend might take a step back. But if the friend continues to be negative it will be hard. Its a sticky situation as to what would be acceptable. I personally would not say anything to the friend, but would mention my concern to my SO that the friend is not being helpful. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 I have told my wife that I don't think it's healthy to keep getting negative feedback, and she said that she doesn't have to listen to it, if she doesn't want to. So hopefully if everything stays positive, the friend will have nothing to be negative about....? I can see a tough couple of onths ahead for me, but I'm looking to take small steps, one day at a time, and bash any negative thoughts I have. Look forward to all of your support through this time! Link to comment
bacci Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hootz let me share this with you. Apparently your wife was seriously considering ending your relationship. When one considers uncoupling one enlists support outside, her 'divorce support' was this friend, she might have told her the worst aspect of your marriage, her friend would do what friends do, be supportive, empathize, AGREE with her. Its not that her friends opinion is more important than yours, its just she is a little embarrased to go back and justify how all of a sudden you're not the enemy. What will likely happen is that her friend, like any normal friend, will initially warn her she might be making a mistake and remind her of tha 'bad side' ,but you are correct, if your wife has no complaints and she starts to get happier, her friend will become supportive of the relationship. Or else your wife will get rid of that friendship. So stick to your plan, don't worry about what external influences are,don't fight the friendship or you'll turn it into a Trojan horse, not a good battle, concentrate on your marriage, and on having good family time, have more of the good moments, less talking unless you're at the counselor and get a good counselor. Keep us posted. B Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Thanks Bacci!! You are tops in my book!!! Couldn't have got this far without you! **Big hugs** and Thanks again. Will keep updating, will need help keeping negative demons out! Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Sorry, just remembered another couple of points... She said that she doesn't feel right giving me a kiss goodnight/goodbye/hello etc, that we used to do ALL of the time, should I be worried about this, how long should I give it, before, I question this? Also, we are going out to dinner for our 8th anniversary tomorrow night, anything that I should do/say, or avoid doing/saying? Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hootz, you will never get your old relationship back. However, that doesn't mean that you can't create a new one with your wife. Give her time, let her know that she is the center of your world right now and you love her very much. At the same time, be sure that you live a good portion of your day for YOURSELF. This will enable you to be stronger down the road....and confidence is always attractive in its own way. Gods bless you two! Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 I look forward to the new one, and re-discovering a new person. I really want to show/tell her how much I love her, and let her know that she is the centre of my world, but she doesn't want that right now, so I have to keep these emotions bottled up, and hopefully, one day I will be able express these feelings to her, and she receive tham with great love and affection in return. I'm finding it hard enough not to kiss her goodnight/goodbye/hello etc. because we have always done it. But she wants to go right back to before we kissed (a long time ago), so I'm willing to do what ever to make it work. However, I am not prepared to lose myself to do so. So I need to set targets for when I feel things should be achieved, 1st kiss, romance, sex, etc. Any ideas? Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Hootz honestly man because I went threw what your going threw. Women know what you want. My biggest suggestion is not to act like you want that. Your making the same mistake as I did at first. You want to be re-in love with her. She might expect things to go back to being the same way. In which you knew she loved you and it didn't have to be measured in sex and romance. Try to think if a woman could be rebuild their perfect relationship and start over what would it be like? It certainly wouldn't be what we as men want. We want affection, want to make love to validate love and honestly thats not going to happen right away. Sex does not make a relationship. But if it is important to you find another woman. I speak from experience that this will test your patience. I love my girl and I am willing to take the time to try to make it better. Do you love your SO like that? Its about the future not the moment man, remember that. You can give up and find a new girl and date her. She may give you the sex, the kisses right away but it wont be your SO. I hope you make your right decision. For only you can make it. The funny thing is I was in your shoes a few weeks ago. My suggestion is to become best friends again. Don't talk about or force her to kiss or hug you. Right now give her the keys to the relationship and go at her pace. If you realize that you cant take it, then maybe she isnt the one for you. I feel your pain thought man but its something that changes. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Wow!!! What a fantastic reply!! That's some great advice!! Like I said earlier though, I am struggling with her dependancy on her friend... This was posted in another forum regarding her relationship with her friend: "Im a little worried...Im sorry. I am suspicious of the best friend thing. really. Im not saying it to hurt you more...God I know its horrible to deal with all this. Im wondering if they are involved. Sounds suspect to me." This just does my head in!!! here I am trying to direct every ounce of energy I have into being positive, and doing things right, and this gets thrown at me, and knocks me out! Please tell me if this is what you would think? Link to comment
bacci Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Right now she's going to be testing you at some level, if she says something that you interpret as negative do not dwell on it, do not push it, remind yourself and her that you still have much to celebrate, regardless of all the cons, there's still a lot that you're grateful for, so that's a possible toast that would not put too much pressure. And don't force the kiss, say you understand (even if you don't) and ask if it would be ok to share a hug. Do not question any of her behavior at this point and without the counselor, let the counselor be the one to question her behavior you just express you needs, (or she'll get defensive and shut down, the moments she feels wrong she'll shut you out and stop listening). Tomorrow, treat her almost like you'd treat a date, smile,listen to whatever she feels like sharing, if she mentions the friend do not react negatively, might be a test. Remember, no pressure, she's there with you celebrating your anniversary, enjoy that, that's plenty for now. Be happy for you got the chance you wanted. And happy anniversary ! B Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Thanks mate. We have decided that we aren't goign to go to any more councilling, due to the fact that the counsellor that we have had, we BOTH feel tat she has done more harm than good, and she spent more time telling us about her past, and healing herself, rather than bringing out our problems, and giving us tools, to deal with them, and to heal us. We only have 2 more free sessions to go, and we would have to go out of town for these, and we can't afford, to pay for any more..... So we are on our own..... What did you think of the advice Lovelost gave, Bacci? Thnks again! Link to comment
bacci Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 I think lovelost is right about being friends first, for her to want to be physically intimate again she needs to feel the intimacy, the connection between you, your romance has been damaged, but it will heal in time and that will lead her to express her love in a more physical way. but you guys need to heal first. I suggest you take it easy, give her a hug and stop there,put your arm around her, but don't force more than that.Let her set the pace for now, let her come to you, no morning kisses for now if she has explicitly requested not to. Perhaps is her way of making it clear there is a lot more work to do before things are the way they used to be. Indulge her,and when you both start getting more comfortable around each other start flirting with her a bit. I would suggest that you try to plan family activities together and play with your kids, she'll soften at the sight of you playing with the kids, it always did the trick for me, be playful, fun, happy, that's the sexiest thing you can do. If the counselor did more damage than good don't waste more time with that one, but you guys need to work through your issues or they will come back, so first work on healing the friendship and then start addressing the problems that got you so close to breaking up. You never told me how old she was when she married you and whether she has a job/other interests outside of being a mom. It gets very lonely in a home with two small kids. I think that might be the reason why her friendship with this woman is so important to her, (while you're working she is her main source of adult conversation and support) I don't think there is anything else going on between them as other post have suggested. Hang in there, take it easy and slowly, when she feels loved she'll open herself to physical intimacy, right now she might be too raw and vulnerable, give it time, It will happen. B Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 5, 2007 Author Share Posted March 5, 2007 Hey B. I have just got to work, and when I left the house this morning, like yesterday morning, I kissed my daughter, and said goodbye, I kissed my son, and said goodbye, and then I looked at my wife, and said goodbye.... it took every ounce of energy not to try and kiss her like we have every other morning of our lives together.....she looked a little uncomfortable also, so I'm wondering if she is wanting me to give her a kiss....? I don't want to blow it though.... I don't give her a hug, for the same reason... It was Sunday Night, when she said that it didn't feel right to give me a kiss, so I don't know whether it was just Sunday night she meant, or... until further notice.....? She was 22, and I was 24 when we first started dating, she was 25, and I was 27 when we got married. She is a stay home mum (not that she stays home much...heh heh), but she has a lot of outside interests, such as, 2 coffee groups, she is secretary for the local Parents Centre, she is secretary forthe local Toy Library, she does scrapbooking with a bunch of her friends, she takes my son to a music and movement class once a week, she takes my daughter to Jazz ballet once a week. So she has plenty of adult contact, and doesn't actually spend much time at home..... Link to comment
bacci Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Don't kiss her until further notice... definitely give her a smile, soon you could probably give her a gentle hug, just to test the waters. All her activities revolve around her children,i.e. her being a mom, except maybe for the coffee groups? but then again I don't know if this is stimulating as in a reading group or just social... Did she have interests when you met that she could explore again? I think she might feel a little lost in the mom/housewife role , has she ever complained? felt unappreciated? I think it might help her feel more satisfied with her life to have something that she finds intellectually stimulating, something that gives her a sense of identity other than wife and mom. You can't tell her what it is, but you could encourage her if you know of anything she might pursue, of course she'd have to give up one of her mom activities to pursue a different interest as she seems pretty busy, importantly, its not for YOU to suggest that she do anything, but encourage her if she comes up with anything she'd like to try. If it comes from you she might feel criticized that you think she doesn't do enough, and two small kids are more than enough ,believe me, try having them all they long on your own and you'll get the picture, actually, you could do that and then she'll feel validated and genuinely appreciated when you tell her what a great mom she is and how demanding a job it is, because although the most fulfilling job on earth it requires every resource you have to nurture them. Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 5, 2007 Share Posted March 5, 2007 Funny thing you know what I did when I was going threw this phase Hoot? Give her a handshake it will make her laugh. Well it made mine laugh. She told me I acted like a perfect gentlemen and then boom a fat kiss! Funny how people think women are the needy ones we men need the love and affection! Dont let her know this is bothering you make a game out it. When you leave ask for a high 5 or thumbs up make her smile. Link to comment
bacci Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Hah! that's great, I love the 'high five', yes, get those smiles going! Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Ha ha!! Good call!! I will definitely try the high five, or hand shake, it should be good for a giggle..... The 2 secretary jobs she does, are volunteer jobs, tat are her coice to do, because she enjoys them, it involves her with other mothers, and they have a meeting one night every month, for both the Toy Library, and Parents centre. Getting closer to going out for Wedding anniversary dinner, getting a little anxious.... Hope I don't do something stupid!!!! Thanks for all of your help!! Link to comment
LostLoveinLosAngeles Posted March 6, 2007 Share Posted March 6, 2007 Ok about the wedding anniversary... DO NOT PLACE ANY EXPECTATIONS OTHER THAN HAVING A GOOD NIGHT OUT... Go with her flow and do not try to over analyze things! Seriously expect nothing. That way if something happens your will be happy. Give her keys to the car my man. It's going to be a bumpy road but it sounds like you really love her as I do my girl. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Cheers mate! I thought that's what you would say... Will update you tomorrow,and let you know how we got on. Link to comment
Hootz Posted March 6, 2007 Author Share Posted March 6, 2007 Went out for dinner for our 8th anniversary last night. It was good, we talked (not about our relationship), we laughed, had a good time. But still no goodnight kiss, or goodbye kiss this morning. I'm finding it really tough, sometimes, I'd rather not live at home, to save myself the pain, but it is good to be near the kids. It is really hard giving her the keys to the relationship, and playing by her rules. Especially when I just want to dive into it and enjoy everyminute, but she wants to take it slow, and go back to the beginning...... I also did the "shake the hand" thing when I left this morning, I got a laugh, but that was it, I think it got dismissed after that..... Link to comment
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