thinking.....

[mintblossom]

i think of him everyday. i don't know why. i think he backstabbed me. i think he hurt me on purpose. i think he just wanted sex. i think he set me up with his good friend. but i remember him and i miss the guy that i thought he was. not the guy that he later turned into and became....i guess his real persona that came out. i was so sick and saddened. why? why would someone do that to me?? why me? i respect others. i care about others. i am a good girl.....dont make me into someone im not. im not dishonest. im sincere. im genuine. i live my life the best i can. i think of him....and i miss. but he never made an effort to contact me or think of me or even come see me.

 

so i have to move on. for a long time i wondered....can i move on from everything that's happened to me? the terrible hurts and wounds done to me? but to give up...i would be giving a terrible wound to my darling mom. she has worked so hard and been so strong, i cannot cause her pain. i cannot do that to her. i would be letting the losers win. the people who enjoy and get satisfaction and glee out of hurting me. those people do not deserve anything from me. i would not give them the joy. so what must i do.........besides...life is so good sometimes. i have had some wonderful moments.

 

i must let go, move on, grow strong, change. i must be the me that i always wanted to be, find the life that i dream of. create change within me and to create change without. i will make more of an effort, more strength. i can do this. i will focus. i will TRY. because to me trying is everything. and i will get through this. somehow. i will keep trying.

[Beyondthesea]

Honey it's been a few years, correct?

 

It sounds like you are still in a very painful place...I really think you need to seek counseling.

 

I was with someone more abusive than you can ever imagine, and I walked away after 7 years of hell on Earth...it's been 2 years since then, and I hardly even think about it anymore.

 

Certainly everyone heals in their own time, but it sounds like you are still very much in pain on a daily basis and I don't feel it should be that way for you.

 

Seek counseling and see if that will help you resolve some of these painful issues you are dealing with.

 

Many blessings...

[mintblossom]

hey beyondthesea,

i know i probably sound like a broken record. i am already in therapy. i go every week. i used to go twice a week but it's so expensive that i can only afford once a week now. i have been going for...almost a year now. today was an important anniversary for me - it was the last time i saw this horrible horrible man.

 

i don't even hate them (the bad men). i don't know why. i don't really hate anyone. just disgusted. i've talked about a lot of stuff in therapy but it hasn't completely gone away. im better away to cope but there is still a lot of pain inside. so much pain sometimes that it does interfere with my daily functioning. i think that....i numbed or blocked it out for a long time. now that im in a safe environment, a lot of that pain comes rushing back....it's overwhelming. sometimes i want to erase it all by hurting myself....but then that doesn't really do anything does it?

 

im logic, im of sound mind, im intelligent, im safe but i feel weak and hurt. vulnerable. i got to do something. i wish i could afford more therapy - 2x a week again but for now...i do go once a week. i have a great therapist! i trust her, i like her and she gets me. but a lot of stuff build up over the week. GAHHHH!!

[Beyondthesea]

I know what you mean about being in a safe place so it all rushes back...that happened to me too. Very weird. I think our minds won't let us feel all the pain because we just can't handle anymore at the time. Then later it comes back to haunt us. Ugh!

 

Maybe what you need to do is start helping yourself feel more strong...do some new activities, find yourself, free yourself from feeling vulnerable. When I started new activities, found new friends, starting really loving and taking care of myself, my confidence increased and I no longer felt vulnerable or afraid

 

Much love...

[mintblossom]

Beyondthesea,

How important do you think internal changes are in a person? vs. external changes?

 

I look at myself on the outside and I am pretty much the same as I was about 2 years ago. Maybe gained 10 lbs or so and lasik. That was a pretty wonderful change for me.

 

But other than that, all my changes are internal. It's little things like....learning when someone hangs up the phone on me to not call them back, or knowing that I don't want false flattery, or feeling that it is waaay better to be on my own than to be with someone who doesn't care, or sensing when something about a person is off.

 

I think one of the big internal changes is that I now try to talk to women more. Before, I used to only talk to men and to make friends with men and to try and hang out with men. This was directly related to me being bullied in school - I learned that girls could be really cliquish, gossipy, hurtful, mean, cruel and that I couldn't trust girls. I have actually heard other girls say that girls are catty.

 

But being friends with men NEVER worked the whole time I tried to be "one of the girls." For one thing, they looked at me differently.....wanted to sleep with me or see if I would give out sexual favors (ew!!) or they would never call me to just hang out.....and they couldn't relate to me the way girls can.

 

So after going to therapy, I changed to trying to talk to girls more....and I now feel more comfortable around females! I feel more of a connection, there is none of that sexual tension or hormones, and I can trust that they don't want to get in my pants! (Huge RELIEF) I feel girls and older women can relate to me more easily. I now seek out women more whereas I would never have done this even a year and half ago.

 

Do you think these internal changes are important? Because they are all on the inside.....so I am the only one that can tell I changed internally.

[Beyondthesea]

I think the internal changes are the most important. I am definitely not the same person I was 7 years ago, that's for sure.