Feeling stagnant...

[Balbina]

For these past couple of months I've been doing....not much.

 

It's weird because I know what my problem is and how to go about solving it (aka, DO SOMETHING) but it's like I cannot bring myself to do anything to work towards some direction.

 

I was depressed for about two years...really depressed. I couldn't socialize, I didn't go to school, I didn't care about anything or anyone. I was kind of lost in my own misery.

 

About a year ago, that all changed with the break up of a boyfriend who was emotionally sucking me, to letting go of my past mistakes and regrets and accepting who I was and what has happened to me.

 

I've had my ups and downs but the thing is - I'm HAPPY now. I feel happy...but sometimes when I think about it too hard, I get listless and tired and lost.

 

I've had the year off to travel with my family before university, while I'm finishing up extra courses online... It turned out they miscalculated how many credits I needed and I have to wait atleast another 6 months, if not the full year, to go to university.

 

Now, really, I don't mind. I know I'll get there eventually...but thats the thing. I'm not going anywhere now.

 

Its like... I don't do anything. I can't focus or concentrate on my work. And I don't have a lot to do believe me. But when I sit down and try to do it, my mind wanders....and I never get much done. It's frustrating and I feel friggin' WEAK that I can't be in control of myself. Or rather that I can but I can't just grasp that control and reign it in the way I want to.

 

I feel sort of helpless, but it's very "poor me" and I feel pathetic for even writing on here (because I know the advice I would give to myself - sUCK IT UP!)

 

But...I don't know.

 

Maybe I'm not as happy as I seem to be.

 

I feel like sometimes I get so excited and make all these plans, these little schedules for myself to complete work, to work towards this, to accomplish this...I buy a calandar, a day planner, a new laptop....

 

But in the end, I do kind of want to get lost in something that doesn't force me to think about what I want... Because besides getting these courses done, the future scares me. I don't know what I'm suposed to work toward.

 

I spend my days reading novels (I devour them) or watching movies that don't interest me just so my mind is occupied. But I'm left feeling kind of empty.

 

I've had health problems lately too - I feel horrible physically. Tired, stuffy, irritated....weak. I was also in a car accident 4 years ago, lost my eye and broke most of the bones in my face. I've had 5 major reconstructive surgeries (which resulted in loss of time at school, apart from my depression) but more to come. I wear my shades all the time to hide my disfigurements.

 

I guess I could say I feel that plays a major role but it's weird because I feel like I've accepted it. I go out all the time, I party, I socialize, I'll talk to strangers, I'm totally cool as oppose to in the past hiding out at home away from any social interaction.

 

I date, I meet guys, I go clubbing...It's WEIRD.

 

I feel totally comfortable, confident, self-assured.

 

But when I come home and I'm suposed to do something, I would rather curl into a ball.

 

I feel like a lazy bum....but I'm NOT lazy.

I have yet to prove that though, right?

 

I don't know. I just... there's something wrong with me. Why can't I do what I force myself to do? Why am I hindering my own progress? Why am I doing it KNOWINGLY?

 

Or maybe I am a little messed up still. :S

[Murzilka]

It's simple, you're still depressed!

You haven't dealt with the real issues in your head. It's easy to push them aside, to go out or watch movies or read or drink until you can't think. I would suggest seeing a therapist. Sometimes you need help getting past the barriers that you create for yourself. They may recommend things that you can do to get yourself out of a slump, to get more motivated to do the things that you really want to do.

Take care of yourself and be proud of the progress you've made. I think other people in your situation would have given up.

[luxen]

I agree that it does sound like you're still depressed. It sounds like you're, in a way, holding yourself back.

 

Is there any way you could go volunteer somewhere? Or maybe you could take some classes in things you are interested in at a community college while you are waiting to go to a university. It sounds like you're a little bored with doing the same things. Try to pick up a hobby or something that you have always been curious about but have never tried.

 

I am feeling the exact same way you are feeling right now. I think I'm still a little depressed, but ok in general. It's like I'm just bored with things, but don't know how to get out of it. I'm with you here. Good luck!

[mintblossom]

omg. i am the EXACT same way. minus the car part. BUT i sometimes get excited and make all these plans and then fall back into the pattern of doing not much at all.....moping around, thinking about past men.

 

seriously....there is something wrong with me!!! am i just lazy??