From the dumpers perspective????

[1forthegipper]

Hello,

 

I'm new to the forum and will post my situation soon. I wanted to start this journey to recovery with a question. Not sure if anyone out here can help because I'm sure most of us are the ones suffering from a broken heart.

 

My question is as follows: From a dumpers perspective, what kind of feelings do they have when they left someone they loved, had loved or love but not in love anymore to be with someone new. Do they feel guilty? is it something that will last? are they acting on emotions that will fade and then will realize they made a mistake?

 

My reason for this question is that my ex-fiance broke up with me 6 weeks ago after a 6 year relationship and I have recently applied what you all call here NC "No Contact" for two weeks now. Although she hasn't admitted there is another man involved my gut feeling tells me there is because of the sudden change in her heart to walk away, by the way we do have 3 children together 2 of which are my daughter and son and an older daughter that she has from a previous marriage. (I will be posting my details soon)

 

Any input from a person that has experieneced this themselves or has dealt with a similar situation I would appreciate it if you could give me a bit of clarity on what goes on in the mind of a dumper when they left to be with another person and what the possible outcomes may be.

 

PS. I thank the heavens above that I found this site!!!!!

 

 

Thank you

 

1forthegipper

[emma34]

While my situation isn't the same...I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years almost 2 years ago now. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. At the time I thought that the dumper must have it worse than the dumpee, cause i was in so much pain about it - especially since he didn't do anything wrong...I just felt we were in different places in our lives. I felt really guilty...but more so, I just felt sad and missed him a lot.

[1forthegipper]

Thanks for the reply emma34

 

Why would a person torment themself that way? If you had feelings for someone to the point that it made you sad and you missed him a lot why wouldnt you try and work things out? Relationships aren't perfect, maybe in the beginning they are but they take work to maintain the good relationship.

 

Do you ever regret your decision? if so why?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I ended a four year relationship in 2005. Yes, I did feel guilty. I felt guilt for several reasons and about many things. Yes, I did think about my ex afterwards, I wondered how he was doing, how he must be hurting and angry. Unless a dumper had a labotomy, he/she DOES think about his/her ex.

 

Let me tell you, I TRIED to makes things work. I TRIED talking. I talked, we talked, talked, and talked. Talking only gets a person so far, I NEEDED action. Plus, I was doing everything in the relationship. Cleaning, planning vacations, when we moved a couple times, I did ALL the packing and unpacking, I am in a HUGE debt right now and will be for a LONG time because of him. I was MISERABLE, I felt trapped and I no longer loved him and knew it for a very long time. I struggled with my decision about breaking up with him for a YEAR AND A HALF!!! I was in lease, we shared many expenses together. I was terribly afraid of the mess afterwards, which was enough to deter me from breaking up with him for a very long time.

 

I had enough and looked him in the face and told him I was unhappy, I am tired of talking, I am just TIRED! Nothing is going to change my mind. My parents were going through a divorce at the time and I was in agnony. My ex started avoiding me and my issues by staying away and working long hours. Even on his days OFF!! I was alone and was for a very long time. When I did break up with him, I cried..a lot. My joints hurt so bad! My body hurt from all the stress and worry.

 

To answer your question about why torture yourself?? Well, being in a loveless relationship, being ALONE is TORTURE!! I needed to get out. I NEVER regretted my decision, not even for a nano-second. I missed having him around and my old apartment, but I did not miss him. You see the difference? Not all dumpers are mean and heartless. In most cases, they are in torment about ending it and maybe even scared to. No one likes to reject people, there is no thrills at all. I grieved but managed to pick my life up again. I am now in a new state, new job and with a fabulous and awesome guy. I believe everything happens for a reason, even painful things. Life is a journey, with many lessons along the way.

 

Stick around here. There is much support and advice. Hang in there.

[1forthegipper]

Kellbell,

 

The way you described your feelings hit the spot right in the heart where it hurts the most right now. Why? because I feel that reading your response was like I was reading what she wrote to ME. And me and my ex have talked and talked but nothing changed. She got to the point where she said she's TIRED as you have stated. She got real sick prior to us breaking up, her joints hurt, her body ached, she was stressed etc. Then finally one day she said she made up her mind and isn't changing it. That she was done and wanted to be alone.

 

I too had worked long hours, focusing on my career to better our futures and have security and I neglected the relationship. Had I known that the consequences would have been us breaking up for good I'd have changed in a heartbeat. I did the usual crying,begging and telling her I would change but it made no difference because she has made up her mind.

 

I feel that I lost my family, my love and my future with her and the thought of her loving another is terrifying,torture and painful....I love my kids (all 3) and it's sad to know that she may feel or is feeling exactly what you feel.

 

I've scowered the internet, read books, asked for advice from family and friends and forums on what to do, how to bring her back, what can I do to make her see that she's making a mistake and maybe the answer to all that is.... "There is nothing anyone can do"

 

It hurts to read your post and I thank you for giving me a better insight...but maybe it hurts because it's reality....and as they say "truth hurts"

 

I don't know what to do anymore and I know I probably have no choice but to let go....It's hard to let go of someone you love dearly....

[JoeWho]

Great post Kellbell

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry you are hurting. I have been the dumpee as well and I know it hurts real bad. The thing is, I tried talking to my ex. I laid all my feelings on the table, things changed for 2 weeks and then went back to the way they were. I realized, he is not the one for me, I wanted a person whom he is not. I even went to counseling about my relationship and about my parents' divorce. She gave me little homework assignments and one of them was a HUGE eye opener. She had me make a list of what I wanted in a partner. And then see how my ex matched the list. He did not even come close.

 

My ex deserted me when I needed him the most and I always there for him. I was never able to count on him...ever. My ex had many chances to get his act together. I mean we were together for 4 years. Again, I told him how I felt, to no avail. I hurt too. I hurt that things were not working, I hurt that I knew that I was going to hurt him. This kind of thing is not easy for anyone involved.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. I know that I did not get pleasure in hurting my ex but I needed to be happy and so did my ex. And you need to be happy and so does your ex. I truly hope you feel better soon ands find peace. Again, stick around here. Lots of great folks here.