Broke up today

[annalise23]

Hi everyone

 

guess im just typing to clear my chest or something. I ended things with my boyfriend this morning, and have had a horribe day.

 

We fight all the time (all the time!!) and it just started wearing me down.

I have trust issues with him, as recently i have found him lying to me. I caught him talking to other girls on myspace (flirting mainly, although he gave his address out to one girl)

its a long story how i found out, but i didnt break into his account or anything!

 

then he lied to me about his ex, he had been phoning her and lying about it.

 

anyway we worked through these issues, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

I suspected he lied to me about going out and wel over reacted by thinking he was lying. i apologized and explained that this is the first time since finding ot all the lies that i didnt trust him.

He was not happy.

 

said i was out of order for throwing the past in his face.

This was the first time i had ever doubted him since the lies and i did apologize but also sasid that i wasnt some crazy person, it was a result of his actions.

 

We had a huge row and he basicaly said he couldnt care less that i dont trust him as that is my problem.

 

I feel this is not fair at all. If i had done something to make him not trust me, i would be ressuring.

He said he wasnt going to kiss my * * *. I never asked him too. I believe you earn trust!

All i wanted was for him to be kind and caring and understanding. Instead he went cold, and ended up leaving in the middle of the night.

 

 

When i woke up he had left me a voicemail saying we needed a long break as he was so mad at me throwing the past in his face.

 

At this point, i had had enough. i was so upset. I had 'thrown it in his face once' and i apologized.

 

So i told him a break is no good and that a break up is now needed. It has been a long time coming, and although a little relieved i feel bad.

 

He text me apologizing saying how stupid he had been. How he has had a tough life and he gets ver defensive really easily.

 

 

 

Well i guess i just wanted some opinions. I spoke with my dad and he gave me some very good advice. This guy wont change. he is very argumentitive and i have never argued with someone so much in all my life!!!

 

 

 

feel better already for writing this down!

[EvaGina]

 

You did the right thing

if it wasnt working it wasnt working -hug-

[HDD]

trust is very important in a relationship, also being honest with each other. if he was hiding things from you and talking to other girls behind your back, you did the right thing by breaking up with him. I feel that if they are flirting, calling, trying to hook up with girls (even on myspace) why be in a relationship! You should feel relieved now and know that this wasnt healthy! Trust and honesty are like the backbone of any relationship and without that, there isnt much to build on and look forward to because it will soon fall apart!

dont feel bad for him, he hasnt done anything to show you that he truly loves you and wants to be 100% exclusive with you!

[annalise23]

Gosh is it normal to keep breaking down? One min im fine, the next Im in tears thinking i have made a huge mistake!! Deep down i know the fighting was getting too much and wasnt going to change. But i feel so

 

HDD

Thanks for your input. He did recently sit me down and declare his feelings , said all these nice things and we were making a go of it. But then i suspected him lying again, and well he didnt like me even suggesting it. I told him it was a result of the past, but he thought i was out of line.

These lies only came out recently, and although i forgave them, I didnt forget.

 

I guess its going to be a tough few weeks. He sends me messages all the time saying nice things and its hard not to go back.

[annalise23]

Thanks for the hug Eva: Gina!

[EvaGina]

Yes its normal to break down its stressful and depressing, getting over a relationship.

Dont go back, you dont need his drama. You made a good step in ending it, dont go backwards.

[annalise23]

Thanks Eva

Its funny because you know deep down its right, but I just need the reassurance!

[EvaGina]

Thanks Eva

Its funny because you know deep down its right, but I just need the reassurance!

 

 

thats what we are here for!!!

[annalise23]

Hey

 

Well its nearly 12.30am and I feel awful. The urge to just say lets work it out is getting stronger and strongeR. I hate feeling like this. Wish i could fast forward a week or two.

 

argh!

[annalise23]

Well its been alomst 24hrs since we split.

 

And i feel sick, barely slept. Im tired and i miss him so much. one minute im ok and think its the right thing, then im all upset missing him and just want him to come and give me a cuddle.

 

Im sick of crying. Im taking this really hard and yet it was my decision.

 

I dont have many friends as i moved and think it isnt helping to feel alone and have no plans to keep busy.

[pearlylove]

Oh annalise,

 

It's SO hard to keep from breaking down...it really is. I'm stuck going through this cycle even though I wasn't the one who initiated a break up. DAMN I know that up one minute down the next, but I always thought it was just who i am, glad to know that as horrible as it feels i'm not alone, so i figured you might want to hear it too.

 

it's gonna be really tough now, because a break up is a CHANGE and no one EVER embraces change unless the benefits are right there in your face. Regardless of all the fights you may have had, I'm guessing he was someone you talked to about days events and stuff. That's where the change is. Maybe eventually you can go back to talking about that stuff with him (NOT AS A BOYFRIEND...i wouldnt even say friend cuz someone doesn't deserve to be a friend if they cant be honest with you. that's number one. dont settle for less as much as you care for him) but right now, what this site advocates is honestly the best way to go. No Contact...but if you can't do that...as little as possible right now. It's just gonna tear you apart more to talk to him about things and know that you're not together anymore. It really sounds like you did the right thing. You'll realize it in time. Someday...there'll be someone who's going to treat you like you deserve--by being HONEST!!!!! Girl it's HUGE. don't regret what you did!!!

 

Think of change as being on the verge of something...like something better is just around the corner, but you just cant see it yet. someone better maybe.

 

right now just try and do things you enjoy. and talk on here obviously. we're here for ya even though we don't know you. watch movies, go shopping for clothes (if you're into that), paint your nails, make some crafts, any little thing that you can do will help. YOU is the one important thing right now, not wondering if you made the right decision cuz it sounds like all of us here really think you did the right thing. just trust your gut/intuition.

[blender]

Annalise, you have the courage to "feel your feelings" try not to "re-act" to them right now, by contacting him. Do NOT contact him right now...breathe, remember you had "valid reasons" for breaking up, so give it a few days to settle, besides "he's not going anywhere".. and this is time for YOU to re-gain your self respect, and your sense of self.

 

Let thing cool down, give YOURSELF a break. Write down all your "feelings" about the relatiionship and then on another piece of paper write down all the "facts" about the relationship, doing this will help you focus on "why" you made the choice to end the relationship, because it wasn't healthy, wasn't trusting, and the FACT is you deserve respect.

 

Be proud of yourself for having the maturity and self respect to let go for now from a relationship that was "not feeling authentic"... he's just not "ready" his behavior proves this, so take a deep breath, and cry, cry, cry, write it all out, but do NOT contact him while you are so emotionally vulnerable.. just for today let go... keep writing on here... you're going to be okay, even better, you'll see.

 

Right now you feel that "panic/urge" to just "go back to what you know with him".. that is a normal feeling, but that wouldn't be the best thing for YOU right now, so gather up all your courage to just "feel your feelings" and do NOT re-act to them...write it all out, it will be help you to think clearly, honestly and ... make great choices for YOURSELF... remember separate your "feelings from the facts".

[annalise23]

Wow thanks for the advice pearlylove and blender.

 

I just had a big cry for the past hour and feel a bit better because of it. I am definitely not getting in touch with him, its too painful right now and think some time apart will ease the pain. Staying in touch will just make this pain worse, and ultimately I would see myself going back, and being in the same situation a few weeks/months down the line.

As hard as it is I have to do this, we have tried so many times to make it work and it clearly isnt. I don't trust him like i should and he is unable to understand that. He thinks the past is the past, and whilst i agree, sometimes I am going to want a little reassurance. Fair enough if i threw the past in his face all the time. But i did it once. And because he didnt like it, we were not even able to discuss it in a civil manner.

 

 

You are so not alone pearlylove. I am constantly changing from strong and ok to crying and feeling like the world is ending. But like Blender says, its because of the fear of change.

 

 

Ill keep posting on here please, it really helps. My dad has been a rock too, thank goodness for family. And ENA!

[badja]

My situation is very similar to yours annalise23...

I broke up with my gf on monday night after finding out on a couple occasions that she was speaking(and flirting) with guys of which one was her ex! I had forgiven her before but over the weekend it hit me that I can't keep sitting around waiting for her to commit to me totally. She won't stop contacting me everday and says that she will not lose me and can't imagine her life without me in it.

 

It's crazy but thats life, she never realised she had a good thing right in front of her and now she must take responsibility for her actions...

I'm in a funny place though because I want to forgive her in time and get back together but my mind says I should just move on!

Don't know how I'm gonna handle this situation but distancing myself for a while will give me perspective on how to handle getting back together or just moving on.

 

Keep strong, its a rough time being away from the one you are so used to being with all the time

[annalise23]

It is tough.

When my boyfriend was lying to me and chatting up these girls, i forgave him and listened to him when he said he wouldnt do it again.

But when i had suspicions he may have been doing yet another similar thing, and i confronted him, he did not like me even mentioning my feelings and that his actions in the past, although forgiven, had made me query what he was upto now. I did it in a calm way, wanted to talk about how it made me feel. But that was not acceptable and the next thing I knew we were having our millionth argument!

 

I think as a couple you should be able to talk openly about feelings. I believe I wasnt expecting too much , and that i was not throwing it in has face, but wanting reassurance. If it wasnt on his terms then he didnt want to know.

 

Im writing this i guess to remind myself i did the right thing, as sometimes I doubt myself and think i overreacted. But along with all the arguments, something had to give. If you cant even communicate with the one you love when they are wanting reassurance over something you did, then there is something wrong!

 

Badja I like your attitude about how she never realized what a good thing she had, keep it up!

 

I forgave him and well I couldnt just forget. There was always lingering doubts in the back of mind. And when i tried to talk about it, I was 'throwing it in his face'

 

I hope you work out what you want, whether a clean break or work out your relationship.

[badja]

Yeah its very tough and like you had communication issues my girlfriend and I did too. She had very little respect for me and proved it by speaking to these arb guys.

 

It makes me sick to even think of it and I struggle to understand how someone thats so in love and happy still feels the need to do stupid things like she did. After all the bad things she has done and over the past few days of thinking bout things I've kinda come to the realisation that she is not mature enough to commit on the level I am and some part of me believes she is living a lie in the things she does...

It's scary because sometimes I feel I don't even know who she really is!!!

And this is the girl I love with all my heart

 

Annelise search for a thread by a guy named caveat and the post is titled "break vs. break-up" or something along those lines. Its a very long thread to read through but it will help you during this tough time....

[annalise23]

Thanks for the caveat post ill go have a look!!

 

I am 24 and he is 33. He talked about marriage, kids the full family unit. Yet at the same time, would be calling his ex, telling other girls how sexy they were, giving his address to them! Please, hardly the right attitude for someone who wants to get married!

 

It is bizarre how people can say all these nice things, yet do things that show the opposite.

I too love this guy, but im at the end of my tether, and to top off all this rubbish i put up with, he wont even respect my feelings and offer a little reassurance.

 

Getting into the angry stage..!

 

How long have you been with this girl? Have you spoke with her about what her actions have done to you.?

[badja]

I'm presuming you dated your bf for a lot longer than my relationship. i was with my gf for 5 months so not long but we were both very attracted to each other for about a year before we got together. The first time when she spoke to her ex(she actually spoke to him bout maybe getting back together while we were involved!!) I confronted her and suggested it best that she not talk to him anymore if she wants to be with me because he would not stop trying to get back together and he honestly caused so many issues in our relationship. I forgave her for that and she did end things with him and stopped contact but who knows if she did contact behind my back, I really wouldn't be surprised. Then last wk end she had been speaking to some friend of her cousins(a guy who I think she has been with before) and he was messaging her kisses and what not...and during last week she had been to watch her cousin play hockey so I suspect she saw this guy there. On the day she went to the hockey she ignored me entirely which was really not right. She is also very flirty when we go out to clubs and stuff but at the same time is always questioning whether im faithful,etc. THATS THE GUILT HEY!

On the whole she is a very confusing girl,her actions show no respect toward me and my feelings.

How long were you with your bf? Please smile k coz you gonna be alright once your emotions settle a bit

[annalise23]

I was actually only with him for 6 months, and we broke up on average once a month. Bet you cant understand why I would be so upset! I certainly cant!

 

It sounds to me like a similar situation, the trust in your relationship is clearly strained, most of what you say about recent actions is 'you think' and wouldnt be surprised if she went behind your back.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Even a year or two? Once the trust has gone its hard to get it back and it takes effort.

 

Are you truly happy with this girl and do you want it to work out?

 

Its funny about her not trusting you, you are spot on with the guilt thing!!!

 

Have you tried to talk to her about your feelings?

 

Thanks for the chats Badja, helps a lot to be able to rant on here! I hope the emotions settle soon, and i guess they will. Fed up of going from angry to upset to numb. Nightmare!!

[badja]

This is the first time we have broken up and she hasn't stopped smsing me since, telling me she is not gonna lose me and is working on her issues,etc....for now I am keeping minimum contact with her so that I can heal and start moving on and clearing my mind. I feel I need to talk to her and explain everything I think and feel but I'm gonna give it another week or more before I ask to meet and talk. It's a weird situation because I am madly in love with her and we are a great couple but she just does strange things and I think it's because she is not really content with who she is.

I guess in all honestly I want to work it out but before I make any decisions I'm gonna take as much time as I need to clear my mind and hopefully she will use the time wisely to sort her issues out...

 

No prob bout the chat, it helps to just talk bout this stuff here!

 

If you were breaking up so often then maybe it is best you got out of the relationship now?

[annalise23]

Oh for some reason I didnt think you had broken up yet, you were just fed up!

Ahhhh. I think it can be worse when you break up and they come back with all these nice words and promises. I had it all in january and i gave it another go. And here I am again, back to square one with the same problems. So yes it is definitely time to get out of the relationship for good. I have to now. I cant keep going over the same stuff and issues, have him promise to not do it again, then bam! It starts over again.

 

Its hard when i get the nice 'im so sorry i love you' speech. Luckily i have not had one since yesterday afternoon, and if i get one I really dont know how to respond.

 

Sounds like a good plan taking some time out to think about what you want without regretting anything by being hasty. Try and keep the contact minimal as it will defeat the point of trying to clear your head and work out what you want.

 

Keep me posted on how its going!

[Beyondthesea]

I just read through this post and wow this guy has been nasty to you Anna! You made the right decision walking. Just be glad you only wasted 6 months with him rather than like me...I wasted 7 years with someone like that.

 

My ex was always on myspace, putting ads on dating sites, talking to his ex, and somehow it was all my fault for not being more understanding. Ummmmm yeeeeaaahhh.

 

You really need to go cold turkey on this guy. 100% no contact is the way to go with someone who changes back and forth. When they are always so moody and then suddenly nice, it's very hard to realize what is actually going on. You are on a rollercoaster ride with no way to get off.

 

When you distance yourself from him, the situation and really sort things out, you will see he was not the one for you...just a stepping stone to something better.