I'm not pushing for sex, but when's it gonna happen?

[JimmerJammer]

Hey everyone,

 

I have been dating my current gf for about a month and a half now, we've known each other for closer to 6 months and gotten closer the last 2. The most we've done so far is french kiss and seen each other in our underwear, but every attempt to go further and she stops me and says she wants to go somewhere else.

 

Its weird because we're both open about sex and she's told me the things she's done and I've told her the things I've done. Yet when it comes to sex I take it very seriously, its not just about getting off for me and so while I can be intimate with a girl I also like insane amounts of pleasure that leaves me feeling open, energized and blissful instead of tired and depleted. So I take my time. I read up on massage techniques, I make sure my room is scented nicely, that she's comfortable and that I keep myself in relatively good shape so that I don't get tired too quickly but that I can also go as fast as I need to.

 

I'm not exactly sure what to do though as I feel that sex would be great with her and I'm not really worried about having it with her, but what I don't know and understand is why it seems like everytime we're together and have the chance to do so, that when I start with light kissing and touching around the neck and shoulders that she doesn't get into it. I mean I really don't know what I'm not doing or am doing to turn her on and she's one of the most hard to understand girls I've had encountered. Most will get into it, she really doesn't seem to. I can't even tell if its because she may not be attracted to me sexually so I don't know what to do.

 

How do I bring this up with her? Am I going to remain patient and keep trying until the day? Is there something else going on here? or...

[Beec]

Maybe, you should try something else.

 

The light kisses and all are great for some women, but others that I know, while happy with tender loving at times, really want a man who has some fire and passion in him and who will just grab her and kiss her like he is trying to suck the air from her lungs.

 

Next time you see her, try it when you are about to leave for the night. Grab her, kiss her ahrd, then stop and nod and say good night, then leave. It works, for some.

[Satsuma]

Maybe she doesnt want to go that far with you yet because it hasnt been long enough. Just give her some time and dont pressurise anything.

[Cardinal]

In my few relationships thus far, there is one thing that seems to be consistent. Women will always surprise me with sex. They have all gone from giving no signals of readiness (or more accurately very direct and obvious signs that said no!) one day to being all about sex the next. My advice would be not to do anything retarded. Like it or not the ball is in her court and she gets to decide, since you are the one ready and she is not. One thing is for sure. Acting, even the slightest bit desparate or showing desire that seems like begging probably won't get you there.

 

From my experiences there is also usually a rational behind what a woman is waiting for. It can be tough to figure that out ahead of time though b/c you don't know her well. One girl slept with me the night I told her I loved her. No coincidence there at all. Another slept with me once she knew I wasn't going to leave her. Another slept with me only after she took the time to tell me something personal about her sex life that she wasn't comfortable with before. One girl (a bit shallow) seems to have slept with me purely based on my physical characteristics. That relationship didn't go far.

 

If you think long and hard about it, there are probably some clues that will tell you why she isn't ready. Look for them if you are curious. Wait patiently if you have better things to do.

[tharhino]

I know how you feel... Me and my gf have been together for more than 6 months, and we've known each other for over a year. But I'm not going to rush things with her. I think she could honestly be the "one" and I don't want to screw things up with her. When it happens it happens. Just be glad that you have such a great gf. Be patient. Things happen when you least expect it. Makes it better that way

[JimmerJammer]

Ya I hear ya. I mean I'm not exactly trying to rush it and its been so long since I've slept with someone and needless to say there's a lot of buildup down there. And the two things that are trying my patience are the fact that it seems the guys she's slept with recently she had only hung out with them like twice and known them for not even a month and then there's girls I know that want to have sex with me, but I'm in a relationship so I won't.

 

I've never felt comfortable going to bed with someone that I wasn't in a relationship with or at least had the potential for one. In order to sleep with someone I have to be very open and trusting because I'm usually very self-conscious about the way I look. I guess she could be the same way about it, but she's so beautiful and I don't know why she'd think that about herself. That's why I suspect she's not attracted to me sexually and I don't know how to persue this.

 

I'm not exactly sure what signs to look for either.

[Karhu]

saija.flinkkila

 

 

when I start with light kissing and touching around the neck and shoulders that she doesn't get into it. I mean I really don't know what I'm not doing or am doing to turn her on and she's one of the most hard to understand girls I've had encountered.

 

 

How does she respond to other things? Like dry humping etc?

 

And the two things that are trying my patience are the fact that it seems the guys she's slept with recently she had only hung out with them like twice and known them for not even a month

 

 

Have you considered that maybe she is taking it slow because she likes you? some people prefer taking it slower if they really see some potential in a relationship as they value the potential of the relation so much that they don’t want to jepordise it by rushing anything.

 

Maybe she doesnt want to go that far with you yet because it hasnt been long enough. Just give her some time and dont pressurise anything.

 

Yep, if in doubt then take it easy. Doing something rash could only make it worse

 

What is her history? we there could always be more behind the story, obviously you don't know her full story, and we don't fully know your story.

 

I know one girl I once dated had been badly sexually abused by her mother, and had some SERIOUS psycologival problems with affection, and she’d get flashbacks any time someone does anything or even hints approaching her eronious zones.

 

We don’t know the situation with your girl, but the best thing is to take it easy and work on the trust, and open communication. And hopefully she’ll open up and give you more information about what’s going on in her head, and you can slowly work through things.

[Aurian]

Have you tried talking to her about it? What her thoughts on it are? Worked for me in my relationships, I am always very slow because sex is an extremely intimate act to me.

[Batya33]

Sounds like you both made the mistake of being too detailed about your past sexual experiences - perhaps she is worried she won't measure up.

 

1.5 months was never enough for me to date someone before having sex, even if we knew each other before. I am not surprised she wants to wait - perhaps you need to tell her you will get tested and you will wait until it's been at least 6 months since you last had sex, so the tests will be accurate?

[Mr. B]

Six weeks is not much time. Frankly I'd be a bit concerned if my GF was that 'easy.'

[tharhino]

My GF and I have been together 7 months now, but I'm not sure how I would bring it up. How should I go about bringing this up with her... I don't know if she's ready though. I dont want to be pushy either. But I want it more and more... with her... and no one else.

[Aurian]

Hard topic to blurt out, yes... My boyfriend started it himself, just kinda blurted out a question about birth control. Not the most graceful of beginnings but it got the conversation started. But I appreciated the initiative because I feel more comfortable with him knowing that he knows my viewpoint on sex (I like it but I take a looooooong time to feel ready), and he respects it. I'm sure he feels better knowing that it will come soon and that I am not waiting for something like marriage.

 

Perhaps just throw out a question - "what do you think about sex?" or ask her about her opinion on birth control or some celebrities doing pre-marital stuff. Just SOMETHING to break the ice so you can discuss things and understand where both are coming from.

[TheFoglifter]

I think it just comes down to how long you are willing to wait. You probably can't ask her how long she's going to make you wait, and I do sympathize with how badly you want it, but I can also see how 1.5 months might be a bit soon, especially if she feels that she got burned in the past by giving it away too soon.

 

Its good that you both have pasts, so at least you know she WILL do it.

 

Eventually though, you just have to decide when to walk. If its 7 or 8 months and you haven't gone further than kissing, then it might be time to bring up the issue.

 

Now you can frame it carefully -- you can tell her how much you desire her and the closeness that sex brings, and that you aren't going to leave (a filthy lie, but its what she wants to hear) but you really would like to take things to the next level. Hopefully she'll get the message and WANT to continue.

 

Maybe you could compromise and agree to save intercourse for later, but she has to take steps in your direction too -- if you've never seen each other naked, and she hasn't even TOUCHED Mr. Happy, then she shouldn't be surprised if after waiting too long your interest starts to wane.

 

Decide for yourself when enough is enough. It doesn't have to be a "time frame" but maybe a state. If I love yous have been exchanged, or you've met each others family, or whatever. If you are absolutely sure that you can get sex better and faster elsewhere, then you need to decide your own tolerance point for when to stop waiting.

[Grosse vache]

Six weeks is not much time. Frankly I'd be a bit concerned if my GF was that 'easy.'

 

Are you serious?

 

hahahaha

[tharhino]

Hard topic to blurt out, yes... My boyfriend started it himself, just kinda blurted out a question about birth control. Not the most graceful of beginnings but it got the conversation started. But I appreciated the initiative because I feel more comfortable with him knowing that he knows my viewpoint on sex (I like it but I take a looooooong time to feel ready), and he respects it. I'm sure he feels better knowing that it will come soon and that I am not waiting for something like marriage.

 

Perhaps just throw out a question - "what do you think about sex?" or ask her about her opinion on birth control or some celebrities doing pre-marital stuff. Just SOMETHING to break the ice so you can discuss things and understand where both are coming from.

 

That sounds like a good idea! I just dont want to sound pushy because I really want to do things right and not screw things up.

[TheFoglifter]

What exactly are you expecting in terms of sex -- I don't think that was ever made clear. Are you looking for full on intercourse, or would you be happy just getting a little more intimate?

[tharhino]

What exactly are you expecting in terms of sex -- I don't think that was ever made clear. Are you looking for full on intercourse, or would you be happy just getting a little more intimate?

 

I'm thinking about both.

[JimmerJammer]

Well what I'd really want is not fully necessary as I want to feel desired. If I had to choose what I'd really like to see would be for her to be more intimate with me yes. I feel like when we kiss its not something she enjoys doing or what have you. Yet when she gets a little drunk she's making out with me.

 

We've seen each other in our underwear, but nothing past that. Personally I don't have problems waiting for it as its already been nearly 4 years since the last time I got sexual with someone. So ya I'm impatient because of that lol but no its not like I am trying to push for it with her but more so that I'd like to, as I said, feel desired more intimately by her. To know she even considers me in that way because otherwise ya what AM I wasting my time for. The thought that she'd NEED drugs or booze just to get intimate with me is a scary thought and I'm not consider that as what's going on here. The way I see it is that she's not quite there yet for that and is needing time to relax a bit into it so not to ruin things by jumping into things too quickly. That's what I feel is the case and its only because I'm used to girls being all over me that this one has me self-conscience about it.