I know I'm not the first, But what can I do now I have feelings for my best friend???

[Laura_E]

Ok, So I'm in my second year of college and in my first year I met this really nice guy and we became really good friends. We were both in serious relationships at the time and his girlfriend was in new zealand and my boyfriend was going to a different college so we had that in common and we became really good friends over the next year. We always got on eally well and I saw him as my best friend, and never saw him in any other way. About 3 months ago his girlfriend broke up with him and I broke up with my boyfriend (which was completely coincidental) Not long after this we started having sex and we decide that we wer just " sex buddies" and it was just helping us get over our last serious relationships, which was fine with me, the sex was good, and I really enjoyed his company and felt comfortable with him because we were best friends. So for the last 3 months we've been doing it together every now and again yet we've still kissed other people we've met when we were out or whatever. The problem is, that recently, and inevitably, I've started having really strong feelings for him. It's really hard because we live in the same house (with 8 other people as we're students) and whenever I spent time with him My feelings just gett stronger. It's really strange because alot of the time we treat each other like girlfriend and boyfriend and there's some nights when we jus lie in bed holding each other. Yet he's made it clear on his bebo profile and in general that he doesn't want a relationship. I'm so so confused and I dont want to tell him how I feel because I dont want things to change or get awkward between us. Some of my friends I've talked to think I should tell him how I feel and stop the whole " sex buddies" thing but as much as this whole situation is hurting me I still want to be with him. He can be a bit of a cocky bastard sometimes so I'm also worried he'll make fun of me a little bit if I tell him. The thing that really annoys me is the thought that although I know he probly wont be, he could be with some other girl whenever he wants, I hide my jealousy well though!! A couple of guys recently have tried to hit on me and even though They were REALLY hot I couldn't bring myself to do anything and I think it was because I've fallen for this guy. It's a really complicated situation but any help would be very much appreciated!!!

[Locke2121]

Well, you don't have to tell him. Put the ball in his court. Ask him, "Where are we going with this? I don't honestly think we can keep this up because alot of feelings are starting to crop up" Then its all up to him. He may not want anything serious. You give him the emotional support he needs, along with physical release. He may want to hold the relationship right were in is.

 

If thats the case, you need to rethink the relationship in terms that are important to YOU. If he isn't ready for the long haul, it may be time for you to start looking elsewhere.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think that this is one of the downsides of a 'longer term' sexbuddy friendship. I think first of all, a bit of distance would help you to find out if you are actually having serious romantic feelings for him, or if it's an artefact of the situation so to say. What I mean by the latter is that it's possible that once you start being intimate with a friend, you get emotionally attached, possibly even regardless of actual feelings. Do you think that you would have fallen for your friend if you hadn't shared the bed with him yet?

 

Arwen

[Laura_E]

In answer to Locke, I know I should be looking elsewhere, and I've tried but I just dont seem interested in any other guys. I know the whole situation may have an element of the "I want what I cant have" syndrome but At the moment I just dont seem to want to be with anyone else. And I'd love to put the ball in his court but I see him every day since we live in the same house and I think he may treat me differently.

 

And arwen, It's really hard to get distance from someone you see so often, I mean sometimes when I go away for the weekend I manage to sort all my feelings out and manage to rationalise evrything but the I see him again and all my strtegies just fly out the window! But Your point about wether I'd have fallen for him in other circumstances... that's something I've never thought about and is a really good point... I'm gonna have to think that one over, Thanks!

[Beec]

First, DO NOT TELL HIM. Telling him will not make him want you, and it may have quite the opposite effect. You want him to want you as more than just a friend or a sex partner, and then once he can admit to that a bit, then you can move forward.

 

The position you are in however is very tough. In order to get him to want you in that way, he needs to change how he fels, and that will probably only happen with some change in something else.

 

In this case, your choices are twofold, and both operate off of the principal of we want what we cannot have. In this case, the two cards you can play is to let him think that he either might lose you altogether or that he is losing your emotions. In the first case, it would possibly be because someone else is there for you or because you jsut don't want it anymore. In the second case, you continue doing some things, but you seem like you are just using him a bit. I have seem occasions like this where the woman has gone to the man, jumped him, had sex, and got up to walk out telling him that if he is good he may be lucky and get more soon. this would leave out the all night cuddling though.

[Locke2121]

And I'd love to put the ball in his court but I see him every day since we live in the same house and I think he may treat me differently.

 

And yet you are willing to be in pain everytime you see him because you can't tell him whats in your heart? I know this pain, but I think you're stronger than I am. If I were you, and had your strength, I would say something...he may very well be the love of your life, and just doesn't know it yet. Don't let it slip away.

 

And if he doesn't want anything deeper.....well thats the chance you have to take if you want to take this relationship to the next level.

[Beec]

And yet you are willing to be in pain everytime you see him because you can't tell him whats in your heart? I know this pain, but I think you're stronger than I am. If I were you, and had your strength, I would say something...he may very well be the love of your life, and just doesn't know it yet. Don't let it slip away.

 

And if he doesn't want anything deeper.....well thats the chance you have to take if you want to take this relationship to the next level.

 

How she feels should not change how he feels. However, if she tellshim about these feelings before he really knows that he wants her, then she is way too available and the whole "we want what we cannot have" influence gets turned on its head. In that case, he would beable to have her as, when and if he wants. Likely to make him want her less.

 

Don't tell him how you feel. Work on how he feels.

[shellshocked]

I definitely have to agree with what Beec's saying here.

Right now you ARE too available and he seems to get

everything he wants without putting forth too much

effort.

 

And I also agree about pulling back alittle to make him

think he's either loosing you altogether or loosing your

emotions.

 

But when you say this, Beec:

 

Work on how he feels.

 

What do you mean?

and..

How would you suggest she go about this?

[Beec]

But when you say this, Beec:

 

 

 

What do you mean?

and..

How would you suggest she go about this?

 

Well, that's a good question, but it's not easy to answer either.

 

I think you being with understanding the idea that we fall for those people who give us emotional fulfillment, make us feel special, etc. But only do so if those people are independent and aloof, to some degree, not too needy or clingy. So, you need to show him some appreciation, some care for him, etc., without looking for the same from him, and even if you get it seeming a bit unaffected by it.

 

I think from there, you also should think about things some people often complain about getting. Give him mixed signals. Don't let him know you are after him. Let him see others competing for your time and attention, both people who just want to hang and others who seem to want you. Try to stir up a need in him, for you, imply to him that he needs something, and that he would be lucky if he got you to do it, let him think he needs to convince you. Insinuate. And finally, tempt.