Barriers to intimacy

[Aschleigh]

I don't know what I'm trying to say so I will ramble for a bit.

I just got out of a relationship with a man that has a massive wall around his heart. He avoids intimacy, he using lots of different vices to avoid really being known/loved. I am finally noticing in myself how much work I have done on myself to remove these walls in my life. I tell the truth even when it's hard. I don't pretend to be ok when I am not, etc..

What I'm asking is : Why do people barricade themselves in? I know it's a protective measure. But when there is a genuine person trying to love you why throw up the walls? Is it fear of beng known? Is it not being comfortable with oneself ?

When I think of someone really knowing and loving me it's scary but I am willing to experience it. Why would someone be threated by intimacy? The energy I get from him is fearful and running away from himself. What leads people to do this instead of going into themselves?

What is risked by getting to know yourself? He acted like intimacy was life threatening, why?

[hosswhispra]

Not even the most loving relationship lasts forever, Aschleigh. We're raised socially to believe that there is just one right person out there for us. When truthfully, one will probably have several different relationships throughout an entire life time. So to answer your question, with each relationship people have the possibility of getting majorly hurt in exchange for a relatively 'short' time of bliss (i.e. emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, mental intimacy, and spiritual intimacy) and vice versa.

 

In general, people will weigh the risk (i.e. hurt) vs. the benefit (bliss). If an individual perceives that the risk (hurt) outweighs the benefit (bliss) then they will wall/barricade themselves off emotionally and maybe take the benefits of just physical intimacy, for example. An emotional wall/barricade can be thought of self preserving to some. It's like sparing one part of yourself for ONLY you to see. That in itself comes with both positives and negatives. In my opinion, it is a good thing to preserve one part of yourself for ONLY you. That can be healthy---because what if the relationship you were in came to an end suddenly one day (either by choice, or tragedy, for example)? Who would YOU be without that other person? That's why it's always good to keep a little piece of yourself for only YOU to see....at least in my opinion.

[Hayles]

I used to block everyone else out... so much so that when I was pregnant with my son I was afraid that I may be the same with him (of course I am not!). One day it all came to a head with my current partner, he was thinking I just didn't care and he was about to leave me, and it hit me.... the thing I was doing to try to protect myself was actually what was hurting me - how did that even make sense?!

I knew right then... he was not going to break my heart, I was... the thing was, it ran deeper than just telling myself to snap out of it, it had become a big problem... I was physically unable t share myself easily, I would not look my man in the eye, I would not initiate intimacy... it's taken a lot of hard work - but opening up to my partner about it made him aware that rather than getting upset with me, he just had to make sure I don't push him away... he can see now when I do it, and he makes me aware of it, and it stops me... by trying to protect myself, I am hurting both of us... the fact is, no matter how much you try not to let someone in - they're already there, you already feel for them and it will hurt when they walk away... even if you think you have prevented yourself from feeling...

it's a sad reality, but so many of us do it... I for one have decided this is a relationship worth conquering fears for... and I'll continue working at my fears and leaping over them!

[EmotionalCreature]

Hayle, I know what you mean from what you said to us, hope you can break out of that.

[Batya33]

The real question is - why did you choose to get involved with him - sounds very safe to be involved with someone who you don't have to risk being intimate with.

[Hayles]

QUOTE=BlueSea;1486926]Hayle, I know what you mean from what you said to us, hope you can break out of that.

 

 

Hayles: Yeah, it's not a nice way to be - constantly hurting the one you love the most because soething prevents you from showing them.... inside myself I am screaming "God, I love you sooooo much!!!", I want to grab him and kiss him and squeeze him to bits... but something stops me.... it's sad, I know in my head he won't reject me - hell, he'd love it, it's what he wants from me... and yet, I am unable to break through....

 

I have come a long way in the three years we have been together... a long way... I can now look him in the eye, and even tell him I love him, I can initiate a certain amount of intimacy - but I'm no sex kitten... hehe....

But I think what's needed is some understanding... I am lucky to have someone that understands this is a very real problem, not just me "freaking out"... or being non-commital.... it is something bigger.

 

So if you have a man like this, just try to show him that the parts of him you see when his guard is down, are the parts that make you love him.

[Hayles]

and to add to that... I feel that without the right support and understanding people with this barrier thing will always live that way... and never experience what it is to love and be loved openly and hinestly - and everyone deserves that chance at least once.

That said - there are just some people who are just not into the whole intimacy/commitment thing also!

[ghost69]

sometimes people have been really hurt in there past and can't recover. they usually need some counseling to trust people again. a lot of people don't trust others with their heart and feelings.

[Locke2121]

Sometimes it just hurts too much to open up. We know this may mean being alone, but quite often even that pain isn't enough to break down the walls.

[ghost69]

even people that know it is best to open up..they still close themselves off.

[Aschleigh]

But what is it that people fear from opening up? The pain of rejection is hard but to me the pain of never knowing a person intimately is worse.

Like is was for Hayles, it may take a pregnancy or losing a really great relationship to alert these people to their walls.

[Batya33]

Those are your values - other people have different values and motivations. You think being close to someone is better than being alone and others feel differently. Who are you to impose your values, wants and needs on someone else?

 

And I for one would hate to see a person who did not want to be a parent get pregnant - who's to say that that will make them realize anything? And what about the poor child?

[ghost69]

that is like saying somebody doesn't like chocolate, but they like vanilla. like vanilla, what is wrong with them? it just happens. everybody is different with how they deal with hurtful times.

[Aschleigh]

I don't believe it's a matter of preference. All people yearn to be known and loved intimately. At least I haven't met a person yet who doesn't want that on some level. There are people who don't do intimacy very well, it doesn't mean they don't want to be loved and known . It may mean they don't know how to be loved and known.

I know that the man I was in a relationship with wanted to be loved. He couldn't let himself receive that love for some reason.

It would be inhuman to not want to be loved in an intimate way. We have that built in. People deal with that yearning in different ways .

Batya : I was talking about Hayles who was pregnant and it made her realize she had set up these walls between herself and others. I assumed she wanted her own child. She didn't say she was having a child against her will. Sometimes it takes a big change in our lives ( like pregnantcy or a death ) to realize a lot about ourselves.

[ghost69]

some people want to be loved but won't allow it. why? i dunno. something in their past, haven't learned how to, etc. i dunno. there are reasons for it.

[Batya33]

You're assuming that all people want romantic love and intimacy. I don't think that is a correct assumption.

 

Perhaps the man in question did not want to receive love from you -- why does it have to be that he is incapable of receiving love?

[Aschleigh]

He didn't want to receive love from me. I think he also doesn't know how to receive love in general.

[Batya33]

OK - I assume you mean romantic love, yes? Perhaps the way you give love didn't work for him and you also have to ask yourself, if you don't have walls, what were you doing being involved with someone who did? Sounds like a safe alternative to being open to love, yes?

 

For me, if someone is not that into me, I don't assume he can't receive love in general particularly because I need to ready myself for the inevitable day when he marries someone else. I know you think you have facts on which to base your theory but my guess is that you are biased because of the romantic feelings you had for him.

[Hayles]

First - yeah, I wanted my child.... and yes, for me, being pregnant was a defining moment in my fear of intimacy - after all, what if I gave birth and just couldn't look my little man in the eye and tell him I love him? What sort of life would this child have?

I never recommended anyone go popping out kids left right and centre to fix their little intimacy issues, I was merely explaining my experience, which I believe s the purpose of this forum, to learn and take from others' experiences and opinions....

 

I loved my son instantly, there was no question about it... and that alone made me realise that I was capable of opening up... to be honest I wonder whether it was because he was baby, with no expectations, that made it easier?

I still struggled slightly with my relationship even afterward, but as I said, we are getting there.

 

I know not everyone has the same reasons, same reactions and same stories, but I do believe that giving it a shot - trying to be supportive and showing him that it can be safe to be loved and be in love - may just prove more beneficial than walking away!

 

How long you try to encourage this is up to you - it's all about what you can put up with, but I know if my man had walked away, instead of talking with me and explaining how hurt he was by my lack of affection... I'd have lost him! I am grateful to have been given an opportunity to explain myself, and to save my relationship!

[Batya33]

In an adult romantic relationship I believe in doing my part - but I cannot do his. If he chooses not to accept the love I have to give - for whatever reason - I can't fix that - he has to fix it himself or decide that I'm not the one for him. I am supportive of someone doing the work for himself but I can't force someone to do the work nor would I want to.

 

I didn't read your post about your pregnancy - was just responding to Aschleigh's general post. Comparing love of a child to romantic love is a bit apples and oranges I believe, and i am glad it all worked out for you.

[Hayles]

Batya, you make a good argument, and I think between us we have offered Ashleigh two very different and interesting views on this matter - I hope she makes good with the new suggestions and finds it in her heart ti decide whether or not she wants to fight a little for her love or expect it to come with ease... it really does just come down to who we are and what we need and expect from our S/O.

I'm just glad my guy never gave up on me, because I am now experiencing the love of my life!

 

In reference to my pregnany - YES, it is apples and oranges and that is why I mentioned it in the context I did - in that it was a defining moment for me - the moment that I had to shake myself up and realise that I had issues in my relationships - and until my son was born I was unsure whether this would carry through all my relationships or just my romantic ones... it was the lightbulb... that's all, I was not trying to compare the two, just to make myself clear!

[Aschleigh]

I do think it has somethng to do with me. It is less of a risk to be with someone who can't/won't do intimacy. But it doesn't work for me anymore. I need a relationship that is emotionally/spiritualy intimate. I think I am ready to pursue men that have made the decision in their lives to get honest with themselves and will be available to themselves and me emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Becuase the alternative is so unsatisfying.

[Batya33]

It's simpler than that - you have to meet a man who is interested in you sufficiently. The rest will likely flow from there. It is rare that a person who is sincerely and sufficiently interested in another person let's fear get in the way of a relationship. The rest of what you said about emotionally and spiritually open and "honest" is very nice and has a nice ring to it - sounds a bit like one of those self-help books - but you won't need to find that out because when you find a man who is interested in being with you, it won't be an issue whether he is "open" enough - he will be open enough with you and it will be obvious. I can promise you that when a man steps up to the plate and courts you and, in time, tells you that he loves you, it won't matter if he made a decision to be honest with himself, or available, in any way - all that will matter is that he is interested in you and wants to be with you.

[Aschleigh]

Please, I know married couples who have been together years. They have courted each other, the married, they had kids, the live together for decades and they are not emotionally intimate. They don't communicate. They want to be with each other enough to not get a divorce but they don't have the intimacy I am looking for. Lots of people settle for this kind of relationship. My grandparents ( most people's grandparents) weren't emotionally close. It's a fairly recent part of romantic relationships that men are expected to be open and reveal thier feelings. Look around at your friends and family. Who has a relationship that involves emotional intimacy. Not just being together for a long time or knowing each others habits. But knowing what each others greatest fears, ones hpes, dreams, weaknesses, strengths, etc..

[Batya33]

I have a different perspective than you do on intimacy and on how I view men being intimate in a relationship.

 

You also seem to be cynical about relationships which is of concern (I am not cynical).

 

Having said that, you certainly are entitled to your standards of intimacy in a partner. In your original post however I don't think the problem was that he wasn't sufficiently intimate - he didn't want to be intimate at all with you (or perhaps, with anyone). That is what I was responding to.

 

Good luck!