miserable but still in love

[amaretto]

I was the first and only out of all my friends to get married. My best friend has been in her current relationship for a long time but marriage and boyfriend/girlfriend are two different things to me.

 

I love my husband, or at least I think I still do. To my knowledge we've both been faithful to eachother so it has nothing to do with that. But as much as I think I still love him and I think he still loves me, I'm so miserable. He works all the time so he comes home at night, eats, complains about everything, and goes to bed. In the morning he sleeps in as late as he can then leaves for work. On his only day off all he wants to do is sleep, which I get! Honestly I do, but after not seeing him that much during the week I want to go do stuff with him, and there are stuff that he needs to do around the house as well.

 

I can not even begin to explain what kind of slob he is. He doesn't do ANYTHING around the house unless we get in a fight about it. And I hate that! I want our place to look nice and be clean and he doesn't care about anything or anyone, except his self. It's disgusting how he is willing to live, and ever since we got together it has been an issue, but he still doesn't seem to care. We almost split up once because of it.

 

He also never wants sex(sorry for this topic lol). I'm not going to lie, I am pretty much always ready to have sex...I love it! But maybe once every 2 weeks for him....maybe. We didn't have sex for almost a month and a half once! I'm not a skinny little thing but I'm not fat either and I don't think I'm all that unattractive either. But it's not just sex, I go to hug or kiss on him and he starts complaining about anything and everything and so no affection ever comes my way. I'll try to cuddle with him in the morning and he wants nothing to do with me.

 

I don't want to be with someone that can't show affection for the person he vowed to love and cherish and be with forever. He doesn't care about anything that matters to me and he puts me down on whatever. When I try to talk to him he gets pissed and clams up.

 

I just don't know what to do, or how to handle this. I think about leaving him but I'm not working at the moment and have no where to turn for help if I were to leave. I need some advice on how to handle this and what I should do. I'm so unhappy and so depressed and when I try to tell him he just tells me that there isn't a reason to be unhapppy or depressed and that I need to get over it.

 

I know I'm making it sound like he's an * * * and he is! But not always. It's not an abusive relationship, it's a relationship where he won't talk to me and when I try to talk to him he shuts down.

 

Help. Please.

Thank you,

MKK

[Jetta]

He sounds depressed to me. He needs a full medical evaulation. Assuming that turns up nothing, does he enjoy his job? Maybe he's feeling too much pressure now that you're married. You say you're not working, that may be a problem for him. Ask him how he feels about it. You two need to have a talk to get to the root of the problem. If it takes a marriage counselor to get him to speak then you'll have to go that route.

[fnlyfrei]

Sounds like my first marriage. I accentuate first, because no, I did not stay. He worked seven days a week. First he worked swing shifts...which I understood...we have three kids and it was just what he could get at the time...I would come home for lunch just so we could spend 30 minutes a day together. Money was an issue. He took a second job so that he had spending money just for him...hence the seven days a week...he never saw me or the boys, and I BEGGED him to find a way not to work all those days. I was lonely and the boys had no father. He was stubborn...and selfish...and ignored me. I started finding ways to fill my lonliness...I lost a bunch of weight, I worked out at the gym ALOT...I wrapped myself up in my job and took on more volunteer responsibilities...PTO president, etc....then I met someone else. A single father who lived like...two blocks away. We became friends. The rest of the story is, what you would think. Lesson learned from both sides? Fix it quick. Put your relationship first..so should he...it takes two..and it is hard work. If he isn't communicating with you or more importantly..LISTENING to you....he needs to wake up...literally. You only get one chance really. Divorce is horrid and painful...just because he isn't smacking you around doesn't mean that your relationship is good.

[ghost69]

maybe he doesn't feel attracted to you anymore. do you look the same everytime he comes home? jammies or sweats? i'm just saying some things that can be turning him off from sex. the cleaning thing would probably be fixed if you fixed the sex part first. do you do anything sexy or new? i'm not talking putting on a nighty and laying in bed. maybe it's you that needs to spice it up a bit for him. it sounds like you are both stuck in a cycle.

 

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[Crazyaboutdogs]

Read the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wexler

and log on to the following site: link removed

Read the archived discussion group. It is a real eye opener. Your husband has the hallmarks of the classic passive aggressive man. There are varying degrees and it seems to be a really common problem. You might get some good insights into your relationship and figure out where you go from here. The women who wrote into the passive aggressive discussion group were all married to passive aggressive men. It can get pretty ugly, and the longer you are in it, the worse it gets. Please don't ever think it is you...it is NOT you, it is him and his hangups and issues.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

By the way, you will find as you read that passive aggressive discussion group, that sleeping is a common phenomenon with passive aggressive men...it is a way to avoid connecting with their partner. Being on the computer, working all the time, or continually watching TV are also pretty standard behaviours. The insults, the sloppiness, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, clamming up when trying to discuss issues, blaming the partner, acting like nothing is wrong etc...yep, pretty typical behaviours of passive aggressive personality. Passive aggressives are very self-centered. Also, people with personality disorders sometimes have more than one type of personality disorder.

 

I was very hurt by a passive aggressive man which led me to reading all of this information. It has helped me enormously and I am now grateful that the relationship never progressed to marriage. He just got married and although his wife is not the nicest woman on the planet, I actually feel very sorry for her because she thinks she has landed a successful and "nice" man who is well-liked by the world. Successful, yes, but "nice" is just the facade. Scratch beneath the surface and he is actually quite cruel and lacking in compassion. Passive aggressive men often come accross to the world as always helpful "nice guy". They are really a wolf in sheep's clothing. The partners of these men tend to learn that as time goes on and wonder why that "nice man" is not nice to them anymore.

 

By the way, Passive aggressive personality is not exclusive to men, there are many women out there who fit that description.

[paisley]

wow girl, that sounds exactly like the marriage i am in too....my husband is the same way....goes to work, watches tv, goes to bed....either that or goes to play poker...does absolutely nothing around the house...so i'm completely overwhelmed with housework and laundry and all that stuff, that it makes me get bitter.....

 

and the affection thing...my husband does the same thing...if i try to hug or kiss him when he gets home he tries to get me to back off...i dont get it...

 

does he communicate with you at all? like on any level? how often do you fight? we fight but it is "always my fault"...we never really communicate...what if you asked him to pick up his junk, would he just get angry? i know my husband would...

 

sorry i don't have any advice...but know that you're not alone

[ghost69]

i'm not saying any of you women are out of shape or not in really nice shape. i have no idea, never seen ya. but most women get too comfortable and end up not taking care of their bodies, etc. men get turned off by this. i know men do this as well. they end up getting lazy, blah blah. not me. i know i have one body in my life to take care of. and i'm going to as much as i can for the rest of my life. this has a profound effect on women. they like it. i want a woman the same way. a woman that works out not only turns me on, but improves sex life. i would help any woman around the house looking like this wearing some sexy shorts or something. some woman that does nothing to try and turn me on with little suttleties won't get anything from me.

 

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[assumeLove]

Amaretto, how's the rest of your life? Do you do things you enjoy, or do you wait for him to want to do them, too? Have you maintained other friendships, so that you can talk about your life with people who are more skilled at such conversations than your husband is? Do you find opportunities to use the special gifts you bring to this world, whether that's creativity, humor, a love of beauty, a generous spirit, kindness, courage, or something else?

 

What's his experience when he gets home? Are you cheerful and excited about how you spent your day and grateful for his efforts to support the two of you? Or is his behavior a way to avoid a litany of complaints?

 

Does doing things with you look like fun or duty?

 

If you two split, how much housework would it spare you? Not much, I'd guess. Like most of us women, you care what your home looks like, and the effort is worth making. Why ruin your sex life by insisting he do work he doesn't value just because he's there? Why not juice it up by letting him know what a great deal you've got, getting to stay home while he works?

 

What would your life be like if he were gone? You'd need to get out and do things. Get out and do them now, while you've got someone to love you. You'd need to dress up more and take better care of your appearance. Do it now, while you've got someone to love you. You'd need to find friends. Find them now, while you've got someone to love you. You'd need to keep your house clean. Keep this house clean, while you've got someone to love you.

 

Don't make yourself miserable by deciding he should do the parts you don't want to do, but would have to do on your own. If you can't stand his mess and don't want any extra work, put it in a large basket behind the sofa -- it's not likely he cares where it is, as long as he doesn't need to pick it up prematurely. He probably won't even care if you mix newspapers, dirty laundry, and glasses with dried orange juice in the bottom in there.

 

When my first husband died (I was 34, he was 35), I had just read him a list of all the things I needed from him -- the same sorts of things you've listed. The next day, I realized I still needed the same things with him gone. My needs had nothing to do with him, and I'd been using him all those years as the excuse for avoiding doing what it took to make my life the one I wanted. Without him, it was a lot harder, and it was eleven long years before I had love in my life again.

 

Marriage is for love. Love will bring you many gifts, many acts of kindness, many caresses, many happy moments together, many beautiful words of endearment. Don't chase it away by demanding other things. If you need other things, go get them; they are your responsibility. Don't let the weight of your needs keep your husband from feeling free to give you love in his own wonderful ways.

[ghost69]

what would be the tradeoff if he was gone?

[dyoung]

I'm sorry to hear this I'm in pretty much the same situation.

 

Now I havent read everys one post but I wondering why are you working.

You are understanding that he is tired and trust me I work alot also and like you my wife is ready to "go" in a drop of the hate.

 

Now Me I know I've got my own issues I've gain weight like 50 lbs, not happy about it so sex for me isnt like it used to be, I'm not happy with myself so I dont have the same urges (used to want it everyday), and with work I'm tired. So my question is why arent you working, if he is tired cause he working all the time. Would it help if possible for you to get a job to stop him from working the way he is?

 

My thing is at that point, if that isnt helping then fine find another solution.

but right now with him working like this there is no solution...

Does he need to work like this or he doing it cause he wants like 20K just sitting in his bank account?

 

D.