Help...i am going backward

[peaceseeker]

It's been three months since the man I loved walked out without warning and it's been a real struggle. I thought I was slowly making progress but for some reason I've gone backward...I can't stop thinking about him, what he's doing, who's he with, how he feels. I know it doesn't help me, but I'm finding it hard to stop the thoughts. The hard lump in my stomach has come back and my eyes sting from all the tears. I am working and studying at the moment and so have to sit by myself trying to force information into my frazzled mind.... it's driving me crazy. When I joined this site I read about people checking their ex's e-mail, I realised I knew his log-in and so I started looking (duh). It kills me inside and I feel like a voyeur every time I look. I want to stop, but in some ways it feels like my last link to him. Even as I write this I know what I have to do....but HOW. Other than the internet snooping, I have not talked to him for 5 weeks.

 

I need to get myself on track

 

Please help

[radioheader]

it is so hard when someone you love and trust breaks all that by betraying you either by infidelity or just walking...there is a book called, love must be tought by james dobson. i think it is geared more for married couples but a lot of helpful info...there is a little religious stuff in it but not too much.

 

i found that reading books on the subject helped me take different perspectives on what i was going thru and feeling. and i felt there was explanation and comfort in that. you might try it...if you have the time..sounds like you are busy with work and studying...

 

hang in there...it will get better and you are totally normal to have a period of setback...as for the snooping...i think you just want more info about why he walked out...do you know why he left? did he tell you? you do deserve that to put closure on the relationship...but some are so selfish and cowards that they can't face you to tell you...they just run...

 

hope you will feel better soon!

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

As you spend a lot of time by yourself, I think it will be useful for you to make some 'rules'. First of all:

 

STOP CHECKING HIS EMAIL!!!

 

You are hurting yourself with that, and on top of that you are violating his privacy. So it's not helping either of you. So:

 

- if you feel the urge to check his email, check ENA for advise, or just fun topics to distract your mind for a bit

- try to speak to a friend at least once a day, and go out at least once a week

- treat yourself like a queen. Eat well, don't stay up. If you can't sleep, take a hot shower of bath.

- plan a weekend away with a couple of galls. Just for fun, a bit of sightseeing in a town you never went to, or hiking, things like that. It helps to get a sense of yourself back in times like this.

- oh and don't check his email.

 

As for constantly thinking of what he does with who where and when, please keep in mind that if you check his email, you are only 'feeding' these thoughts. What matters is what YOU do now that the relationship is over. What he does is not relevant anymore. For you to move on, you need to invest time and energy in the right person. That is YOU and not HIM. So what do you like to do, and would it be a good idea to do those things in the time you now spend checking his email and thinking about what he does? What about starting to take up a sport, or theatre, a course in writing poetry or painting, things like that? Start something that you never did before but always wanted. I started capoeira after my last break up (two years ago) and never felt stronger about myself.

 

I hope this helps you girl. You will get over this, the future is brighter than it seems now.

 

Arwen

[whatsthestory]

snap

 

ive found myself in the same situation,,, beginning to get better then in the last few days got worse!

 

its so frustrating im just sick to death of all this as i bet you are too!

 

healing is not a straight road!

 

the email... i dont understand,, the first thing my ex did was change her password....that was one of the factors that made me realise she was serious!

... im not sure why yours didnt!

 

its so hard to let go,,, i just cant do it for trying,, and the worst thing is that she could, can and is. the fact that they can just walk away like they have makes everything harder.... ts all too easy to hate yourself as i hate myself!

 

the only thing that is keeping me going at the minute is the gym and trying to sort my career out... but its so hard to know what you want when the only thing that mattered in your life has f***ed off!

 

i think picturing your ex happy kills but over time i hope i just stop caring!

 

takecare x

[whatsthestory]

it makes my blood boil thinking about her new life BUT we need to keep asking ourselves " were you 100% sure they were the one?"

 

and "if they came back now would it really all work out?"

 

my answer is no and no! but when youve been dumped this doesnt matter. the fact that someone thinks they are better off without you is enough to hurt even if you knew things wouldnt work out!

[peaceseeker]

Thanks for the replies and advice.

 

Why do I keep checking up on him, even as I am doing it, I think to my self.....what am I trying to discover that will make me feel better. And I guess what I want to find is something along the lines of "I made a mistake", or something to show that he is feeling just a fraction of the pain I have been feeling and third, yes, I would like a reason for why he went. I know these are all really unrealistic things to hope for and I am much more likely to uncover something that will only make my hurt worse, but it's become a bit of an obsession.

 

I was suddenly cut off from some-one I loved dearly, I didn't see it coming and he was unable to tell me why. We were together for three years, he talked about his love for me and our plans for the future until the day he packed his bag and walked out. I realise that there must be reasons, I am trying to accept that I may never find out. And I know I should (but just can't seem to) stop thinking about him and just concentrate on my self (thanks Arwen for reminding me this). I would like to spend more time with friends and doing things, it's just at the moment I have really got to concentrate on passing my upcoming exams....I don't want to deal with failure in that part of my life as well. And another confounding factor is that my ex is sitting the same exams and so the first time I am going to have to face him is on the day (there will only be a handful of people and we will sit morning and afternoon in a small room together) that I really need my brain to be together....I don't know how to face that hurdle. Any ideas???

 

I'm sorry to hear about your frustration whatsthestory, I can definitely say I empathise. I do see the futility of our negative feelings....they just DO NOT help. But I agree, it's one thing to recognise the need to "let go", it's another story to do it. In answer to your question "where they the one", I am still struggling from my side to accept that my ex wasn't "a one". I don't really believe that there is only "one" out there, but he certainly felt right for me. Unfortunately he did not feel the same way and as they say, it takes two.

 

I am going to try to stop the snooping, you are right Arwen, it's only fueling the torment. As hard as it is to accept, my ex's life is no longer part of mine and I should start living along those lines.

 

It's helped writing these things down, thanks for listening. Maybe I should read the book you suggested radioheader, I have never read a self help book before (maybe that why I am here!!)