Just need some help dealing with this

[gur]

I am divorcing with my wife of 13 years and I cannot believe this is happening. My wife says that she wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, but shee does not want a physical relationship with me. We are only in our thirties ... How does one stay in a marriage celibate? She says she is not physically attracted to me. This started coming out about 10 months ago, and I have been trying to get her to a marriage counselor - she came once and gave up. I have been going to counseling by myself for the past 8 months. Even the counselor has been suggesting that maybe I should let go.. We have these two beautiful children that I would hate to have to go thru this. At the same time, I cannot live with my wife who says she is attracted to other men, but will not(Very simply and crudely put) have sex with me. She has not had an affair, but is so bull headed that she just believes that counseling will help and she just does not want to give it a chance. I have known her for 15 years and always believed that I will spend the rest of my life with her... It is so painful ...

[trash mail]

i think you should NOT stay, reason is because she isnt attracted to. You cannot be with someone you are not attracted to. It just doesnt work in a relationship. In the end she will cheat on you. SHe isnt interested in trying to build the relationship to a full and forfilling level.

I'm sorry.

[karvala]

Ouch, I can see how that must be incredibly painful. It is a rather nasty combination of a sort of rejection, potential loss (but with the additional difficulty that you have to initiate it), frustration at feeling so-close (if only she would go to counselling etc.), and worry about real difficulties for the children.

 

I'm a bit mystified, although it supposedly does happen, how someone can be married to you for 13 years, and wake up one morning and decide that she's not physically attracted to you, and even worse will tell you she is attracted to other men. Blunt question: does she love you? And are you sure?

 

If she really wants to spend the rest of her life with you, she *must* go to counselling. If your marriage, and spending the rest of her life with you, is not worth the trouble of a few counselling sessions, even if she doesn't believe in them, then you have to wonder if she really is committed to staying in the relationship.

 

You need to find out more that is behind this; I'm quite sure it's not as simple as she's somehow no longer attracted to you, but is absolutely fine in every other way. That really doesn't make a lot of sense here. There's something missing.

[agent1607307371]

Sounds to me like she wants the marriage (security and companionship, splitting of costs and responsibilities), just not the husband.

 

I think you will be happier when you find someone who wants you to be a full partner to them.

[gur]

Thank you all for your time and postings. She sometimes says that she may never have really been attracted to me, and there are times she says that she has had some wonderful times. She does not believe in counseling - says that "nobody can get inside her head". She says she has to feel the attraction all by herself. We went thru a 2 month separation where i was almost ready t move on and told her as much. She then came back crying and saying she wanted to try. Two weeks later, its the same thing. She says she does not believe in counseling., All I asked when she came back is to keep an open mind - and a promise to work on making things work. I just think that my being ready to move on and connect with other people made her feel what she was missing? Thats what she said - almost. During our separation, she had said I should move on .. and I did. I am not the kind of guy to be alone for the rest of my life and I did post my profile on a matrimonial site, got a lot of interested emails and actually spoke with one girl in a similar situation who wanted to explore a possible future together. That was when my wife broke down and wanted to come back. My problem is I completely went back and am in a state where I am going thru the same emotional roller coaster ride as I did in the past 8 - 10 months leading up to the separation.

[SamEd]

Gur,

 

Reading your post was a description of my situation almost exactly... almost 13 years.. 2 kids... and no intimacy (not even a smile or a hug). We are going through counseling also, but nothing is changing.

 

I have found that even if things are "OK" for a while, things get right back to where they were. I am to the point of believing that life is too short to live with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I'm going to file, and take the best care possible of the kids.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you deserve to be with someone who is not rejecting you and making you feel terrible all the time. If she were willing to go to counseling, you might work through it, but she is not even willing to do that.

 

i think you should not stay with her unless she agrees to go to counseling, and that you go through a period where you both actively try to work this out. Otherwise she is just using you as a security blanket, and i suspect when she does find someone she is attracted to, she will leave you, she just hasn't done that yet and will hang onto the marriage until she does.

 

better for everyone to make her come to grips with the fact that being half in and half out of a marriage is harmful to everyone, you, her, the kids etc.

[radioheader]

i agree with bestrongbehappy...she will leave eventually if she is not attracted to you and is not willing to go to counseling to work on things...it is only a matter of time...do you really want to sit around for several years hoping that she will change and then find out that she is having an affair or leaving you for someone else? if she is not having an affair, i think she is interested in someone else or seriously thinking about getting involved with someone else...

 

my husband did this wishy washy stuff and moved out for a week and then back to say he needed me and the kids more than ever and then only to talk about leaving again a few months later...the whole time denying any affair and resisting counseling...but as my sister told me, almost everytime a spouse wants to leave there is someone else...and there was! got the proof a few months later and finally the truth!!! it is so hurtful and hard to go thru....take care of yourself and keep your eyes open...you deserve a committed spouse who is attracted to you and your kids deserve happy parents! good luck!