Help, paranoid & confused!!

[PieOhPah]

I'm not about to do anything rash, and I believe confronting him with or without her would be rash.

 

fairly sure I'll know enough by tonight to tell whether she has been lieing to me about her whereabouts last week and today, even if she hasn't been having an affair but has been lieing I've already decided to ask for a split, I'm dreading the conversation I know we have to have, esp for my daughter :sad:

 

dont even know where to start but it has to happen, can't stay with someone I dont trust, I suppose I could be wrong about all of this but in my heart I'm expecting the worst.

 

thanks again for all your help, some of you have really helped to keep my feet on the ground since last week, think I would have been a total wreck otherwise.

 

I'll update in the morning.

[Meow18]

 

dont even know where to start but it has to happen, can't stay with someone I dont trust, I suppose I could be wrong about all of this but in my heart I'm expecting the worst.

 

The thing too is that she knows your suspicions. I mean, so if she really truly cared about your feelings, she would be trying to make you trust her. She is acting strange, whether or not she is cheating. And even if she isn't cheating, she isn't being honest with you.

 

And if you can't be honest in your marriage, then you might as well not have a marriage.

 

Keep us updated with what you find. And remember we are always here if you need us.

[Locke2121]

I've already decided to ask for a split

 

Good! Now buck up and get some steel in your spine! If everythings ok, then fine. But if that big shock comes, you have to be prepared to take that next step RIGHT THEN. Don't wail, moan and cry. That will come later. The only important thing is to get your wife out away from your daughter and yourself. Don't be swayed by tears and "I'm sorry". You have to think of your daughter and yourself if she's cheated on you.

 

STAY STRONG!

[PieOhPah]

And if you can't be honest in your marriage, then you might as well not have a marriage.

 

I Know, she'll be home soon, I'm terrified! How do I start that conversation?20 years of my life.....

 

Keep us updated with what you find. And remember we are always here if you need us

 

I will, and thank you.

 

You have to think of your daughter and yourself if she's cheated on you.

 

I Am, she's what matters most, if this heppens she'll be devestated, very scared :sad:

[Locke2121]

I know, so you'll have to at least appear strong for her. You get to cry into your pillow at night...the rest of the time you need a smile for your daughter.

 

Corny as it sounds, it takes a man to be a dad.

[radioheader]

so i'm curious...no update...how did everything turn out? were your suspicions confirmed? i hope that you get your answers soon! you deserve peace!

[PieOhPah]

sorry for not posting sooner, last 48hrs or so been v emotional, have taken some time off work to get my head straight, daughter is staying with a friend tonight so we can sort things out.

 

did eventually talk that night, she wasn't lieing about her whereabouts on the days I thought (I do believe her) but has been to see him when she told me she hadn't, on that I basically said we could not stay together as her work often means she is required to work overtime, and I could no longer trust her to be honest with me.

 

the issue with the way she uses her mobile still hasn't been resolved, she seems to still think it's ok to sneak about with it and I shouldn't be bothered by it

 

she is shocked at my suggestion of a split to say the least, niether of us have slept or talked much since, I've arranged tonight so we can sit down on our own and discuss where to go from here but I'm still not sure myself.

 

I'm angry, very angry that it has come to this, the last few years have been great, if this had happened 5 years ago I wouldn't have been surprised as our relatioship was strained, I knew I had to change to save our relationship and did, I thought she wanted to make this work too.

 

My main problem is she can't (or wont) give me what I think is a reasonable explanation for her behaviour over the last few months, when I think back over everything that has happened, & I've seen & heard it doesn't sound like a "just friends" scenario to me, and as long as I still have my doubts I think I need to move on.

 

I wish I knew where to start with my daughter, this is going to break her heart, I 'm trying to be strong but thinking of her reaction is tearing me apart, what a mess

 

spent a long time by myself this morning walking the dog and thinking things through, I believe (and hope) I've done the right thing, maybe for my own peace of mind, which might sound a little selfish but I've worked hard to make things good for all of us and part of me feels very let down.

 

I guess she might come home tonight and want to start again, part of me wants to hear that (the weak part) but I think the trust thing is just not going to go away unless I'm on my own for a while.

 

kind of relieved but the future is pretty scary right now, besides having to tell our daughter a lot of friends and family are going be shocked and upset, wish I knew where to start.

[Locke2121]

And him? You still need to confront him.

[radioheader]

you are right...it is so hard to know what to tell the kids...we sat down and my husband told them that he wasn't happy with being married anymore and needed to move out to try to find out what was wrong.. (of course, he was having an affair and i asked him to leave) he made sure to tell them that it had nothing to do with them...they seemed upset at first (my son and i cried...my younger daughter seemed better with it all) i will tell you that when i drove them by their dad's new place, they seemed to be okay...when they could actually see how far it was and what their rooms looked like it, they knew it was going to be okay....and as hard as it was, i acted okay with everything too and i thank they took their lead from that...i did't fall apart in front of them hardly at all....it is not easy but you can do it...a therpaist can help you how to tell your daughter in age-appropriate terms...

 

as for her actions...they are deceiving and hurtful...i think that she is involved with him but only you can decide if that is true and what you want to do about it...i am sorry for your pain...did you ever get that book "not just friends" by shirley glass? if not, please get it soon....you will get so much out of it and how a healthy marriage should work.....even if not for this marriage it will be great for the next down the road....good luck and hang in there!!!

[PieOhPah]

back again, everything still up in the air have been talking a lot but I think I've just ended back at square one again. I really thought I had made a good decision.

 

she has gone to work today to ask to change back to her old department, seems to think it was the change that has caused all this and going back will help get us back on track.

 

she insists there was and is no affair and there is no one else, not sure I believe that after all that has happened (I think maybe I should list it all here but some of it is so funny I suspect you'll think I'm crazy for sticking this out) but if it's true it doesn't really change anything for me, even if it is an emotional thing, or just "good friends" it's her change in behaviour around me & our daughter that bothers me, I've told her that several times but nothing changes.

 

I'm getting very frustrated that she just wont see my side of what has happened, I admit I've made mistakes too & although she has said she feels she has let us down she is still being secretive and acting strange, still doing things that are so blatently obvious she is hiding something from me it's almost funny! In fact I did laugh the other day because it was so ridiculous I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

 

I find it hard to accept she thinks I'm dumb enough not to notice.

 

But she wont accept these things are even happening & doesn't seem prepared to stop doing them, when I confornt her about why I dont trust her it's just thrown back at me, I know it's not paranoia, it's all so stupid.

 

Dont know what to do or say to her anymore, I've told her if she wants to go to just go, am not going to stop her, I want us tp part on good terms as friends that can and will still talk, we could do that now even after all this, we have to for our daughters sake.

 

But part of me wants to kick kick her out, but I think maybe that is what she actually wants to shift the blame, it will be much easier for her, and this is all about stalling for time. Told her this morning I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm just waiting for us to end but she wont give me any sort of clear answer, keeps saying she does love me and wants to get back to where we were before before the job switch, we were happy then.

 

so I'm torn between wanting to keep our family together, and feeling like she is playing some sort of bizarre game with me and it's inevitable that it will all come crashing down.

 

I really would like an end to it now, so I can start over, have some time to myself, meet someone else and look forward to not feeling like this 24/7, but if I do that I think I'll be doing exactly what she wants and it'll be me thrown to the wolves.

[radioheader]

you are in a tought situation....only you know how much you can take...as one of my best friends says one day you will know when it is time to leave....something inside you will snap and say i've had enough...you are obviously not there yet and may never get to that point.

 

it is a scary situation to be the one to say this is over...even if the actions of the other person deem it necessary...i still think you should get into therapy and talk about everything she is doing and why you feel the way you do...sometimes therapists can help you and/or her see what is going on from the outside...if she is doing crazy secretive stuff and her behavior has changed, you know something (not good for your relationship) is going on. A therapist could help you get to the botttom of it...have you gone to one? will she go to couples counseling?

 

the only way to heal your marriage will be for her to come clean about everything and be truthful...do you think she is will ever do that? is she capable? not sure a job change will change her behavior and outlook but even if it does, she will have to address this...if she magically changed tomorrow, could you go forward witout an explanation to her past secretive behavior? i couldn't, i wouldn't trust her...unless she came clean and made amends...good luck and keep posting!

[PieOhPah]

well things came to an end yesterday afternoon after I posted, I came home and phoned her to come to talk to me, when she back we both decided enough was enough and are splittling up, both know it is already to late to fix. She wanted a temp split but I said no, if she goes that's it, and after a while she agreed with that too.

 

as for the friend, she still insists that's all it is, I told her I still feel there is something she is keeping from me but I dont think it is ever going to come out, and it doesn't really matter to me now anyway.

 

told our daughter when she got home yesterday from school, she was shocked and very upset but coping remarkably well, am very proud of her.

 

I'm staying here, she is moving in with a work friend just 15 mins away (not him!), after all that has happened we are still friends and both want our daughter to know she still has a mum & dad, and see both of us as much possible.

 

I'm very sad, we all are, but deep down I guess I knew this was coming and already starting to feel a little better. The future seems pretty scary right now, guess I need one of the other forum sections now.

 

thanks again.

[Locke2121]

Good man.....I know it hurts, it will for a long, long time. But now at least she is out of your life and you can start to rebuild it.

 

Who is your daughter staying with? I'm sure you for now...but in the long run? If she tries to fight that, make sure your lawyer knows your suspicions and makes it known to the judge that you believe your wife to be having an affair and you don't want your daughter in that type of environment.

 

Now that your split, maybe she will finally come clean. There is something there and its still going to eat away at you. But given time, you'll find out for sure.

 

For now, I know its impossible to go completely NC with your ex, having a daughter and everything. But do everything possible to keep it as business-like as possible! And for your daughters sake, keep it as civil as possible. Make sure she knows that both of you love her and this isn't about her.

 

Come back and talk when you need to....we're always here. And yes, there are alot of other forums! May I suggest a journal as well? They REALLY help!

[PieOhPah]

daughter is staying with me, but she'll also be spending time with my wife (ex...) at one of her friends, I know the friend well and trust her completely, I want my wife to be settled and am sure she will be there, is also a good place for my daughter so I have no problem with that.

 

our situation means my daughter will be with me most of the time, we're both ok with that, it simply wont work any other way.

 

She did think it was about her, told me that this morning (which broke my heart) and I thought we had done enough last night to keep that one away, wife had to got to work but told her she had to come home and did, we talked a lot again and she is now much better, in fact I'm amazed how well she is taking it, she's a great kid.

 

there's still other stuff she is dealing with, a lot of difficult questions but am coping ok with them.

 

we wont be NC, dont want to be for her sake, but I have warned my daughter it is going to take a while before we can start all being together again even for just a few hours at a time, but she wants us to try and we will, it will be civil. Am glad there's no anger in either of us, just a great deal of sadness that 20yrs of being together has come to an end.

[Meow18]

Your daughter might be taking it "well", but it's still going to be so hard for her. You need to continue talking to her about this and allow her to express her feelings. As much as she is taking it well, it's not easy for a child. It might not have even hit her yet in the way where things will never be the same for her. I think a lot of parents forget that and only see the "outside" of it. Just keep talking to her and let her know that you want her to be open with you about what she is going through.

 

I'm sure you will though, you sound like a great father.

 

I'm sorry things had to end, but you already know it was for the better. Don't forget to always talk to us when you need to!

[PieOhPah]

Your daughter might be taking it "well", but it's still going to be so hard for her. You need to continue talking to her about this and allow her to express her feelings. As much as she is taking it well, it's not easy for a child. It might not have even hit her yet in the way where things will never be the same for her.

 

I've tried to explain that to her, I think she understands it is going to take a long time before it stops hurting, there are still friends and family that dont know, we have many hurdles to get over yet.

 

she said today she felt guilty for starting to feel better, she thought she should be crying for a week, I kind of feel the same way as I'm already coming to terms with it sooner than I thought, this morning was tough but tonight I feel pretty good.

 

She has been so strong, and asked some very grown up questions which she has been given completely honest answers to. Am so proud of her, although the last couple days have been very sad for all of us I know we will be ok.

 

Don't forget to always talk to us when you need to!

 

I wont, this has really helped me more than you can imagine, just writing things down helps me see things a little clearer, the journal sounds like a good idea, I'll have a look at that.

 

thanks again, feeling so much better now.

[radioheader]

just wanted to let you know that we are here anytime you want to post...you will go thru ups and downs but at least you are on a clear path to healing...no more waiting and wondering about how it will end up...

 

hope she will eventually come clean about everything but if she doesn't, you know you did all that you could...good luck and good healing!

[Meow18]

It's good to know that you are allowing your daughter to tell you about her feelings. It's hard to do as a child with parents who are going through this! You sound like a great father and she's lucky!

 

She does sound like she is being very mature about this and handling it well. How old is she anyway?

[PieOhPah]

she will be 13 in a few months time.

 

actually been some laughter in the house again this morning which was really nice, feels like a huge weight has been lifted. She has talked about trying again, maybe we didn't try hard enough etc but I know I can't go back now, is too late.

 

She is moving out next Thursday and my daughter will be staying with her for a day or two when she does.

 

think it will all be ok, just told my parents, that was very hard, lots of tears but it's another hurdle and I hope it will keep getting easier as each one passes, not looking forward to Thursday, is going to be tough for all of us.

[Locke2121]

Its never to late to go back...IF the relationship was built on trust and being open with one another! Thats not the case here.

[radioheader]

i'm glad your daughter is doing well...mine did okay with it all after they saw where their other home would be...

 

and we chose not to have the kids around on "moving day" that image of all the stuff being carted away was not something we wanted them to have...and let me tell you it will be tough on you too...it was on me...but once he was out, it got better with time...

 

you will make it thru...stay strong and keep talking with your daughter!

[PieOhPah]

I really wasn't sure about her helping her mum to move out, we talked a lot about it and she's sure that is how she wants it to be so I feel we have let her make that decision/ I hope for her sake that she can cope as well as she thinks she can, but I've told her if at any point it gets too much I'll come and get her.

 

it'll be hard for me being here on my own that night but am going to see a friend who has been through the same thing a few years ago and I know he'll support me.

 

not had such a good day today after speaking to few people, inc my wifes parents which was really upsetting, but there's no bad feelings and we're all going to stay in touch which is what I want.

 

is a real rollercoaster of emotions right now.

[PieOhPah]

just had a really difficult evening only due to sitting down and sorting out our finances, which we have done, and both us will be able to cope with our situation, which is great.

 

but... for the first time since deciding to split on Weds I feel like there is a now a barrier between us, I can't really explain why.

 

where before there was still an emotional bond between us that gave me a little comfort I feel that has gone is just like someone has flicked a switch.

 

My wife never really did money, I've always done that throughout our time together (although I did try to get her to take it on) I guess it is difficult for her now and maybe it's that worry/tension that I'm picking up. Tried to talk to her about it but not sure she understands.

 

Something has gone, my concern is things like that will put a strain on our friendship, I suppose it is inevitable with stuff like money, another hurdle over I suppose.

[Locke2121]

Its just sinking in...your splitting up. This REAL set down and discuss session just drove it home for you...hang tough dude!

 

Friendship? I don't know....can you have a friendship with someone who is dishonest to you? At most, you can have a few moments here and there because of your daughter.

[PieOhPah]

Friendship? I don't know....can you have a friendship with someone who is dishonest to you?

 

I do understand where you are coming from, but there's really no anger, bitterness or resentment in me, just sadness that it has come to this.

 

I dont know whether I will ever find out what did happen (if anything) I think if she was going to tell me she would have done by now, it may be there is nothing to tell but my gut is still telling me I dont know the whole story, with all the talking I do think there is something she is holding back, just a sense I have. To be honest it doesn't matter to me now anyway. I got what I needed, an end to feeling the way I did, just a shame it meant having to upset so many people.

 

I know we will stay in touch, I suppose friends may be too strong a word, it's not like I dont want to see her again so I think it's appropriate, I can't just brush away 20 yrs together so easily.

 

there has to be contact for my daughters sake, it's what we both want, and we both plan to keep things civil, spend a little time together occasionally, have a cuppa, dinner etc, I can live with that.