Talking to my wife about more kids

[Dave78]

I'm 28 years old, have been married to my wife for almost five years, and we have a 18-month old daughter.

 

My marriage is great. My daughter is great. I'm a good husband. I've been a good father for 18 months and will continue to (to my daughter) forever.

 

The trouble is, I know my wife wants more kids and I'm not sure I do. I used to think I wanted multiple kids, but I don't know.

 

The problem isn't with my wife or daughter, it's with me. I'm very selfish with my time. I like to do things on my schedule. I have my hobbies and my interests, and I just basically don't like to be bothered. I'm somewhat of a loner and I like "me time." My wife is the opposite which gets her quite aggravated at me sometimes, because we just don't see things the same way. She wants hours and hours of family time and doesn't understand why I'd ever want to be alone.

 

Anyone who has kids knows that having a baby, your life and your schedule goes right out the window. This didn't come as a surprise to me, but you can't prepare yourself with how big a change it is. It's just so much work. So little sleep, so much unpredictability. To me, it's all just stress that I don't want. I'm already pretty sure, after going through the first 18 months, that I don't want to do it again.

 

Please don't misunderstand, I love my daughter more than anything and I'd never describe her as a regret or resent her. She was planned and she's the center of our lives and brings me happiness.

 

If I tell my wife this, she'll be crushed. It's not the kind of thing she'd ever forget. It's not like I could tell her this, and then later on say "I changed my mind and I take it back." She'd just never forget I said it.

 

Should I even try to bring this up to her? If I found out she's pregnant, it's not like I'd be mad. In fact I'd probably be happy. I just don't know.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It might be you don't want more children right now. You can have children any time apart you want, they don't have to be right after the other. My brother and I were 4 years apart. I know people with 6 to even 10 years between siblings.

 

Or you may never want another one.

 

Either way, you need to discuss this with your wife. An issue like this should not go unspoken.

[Parsley]

Carnelian is very right! There are 10 years between my brother and myself, and 6/7 between my sister and myself.

 

Just because you don't want more kids now doesn't mean you won't later. There's bound to be a time when you look back at the days when your daughter was tiny and wish you could have it again. Also just think how good it will be to see them growing up together.

 

You've said that you feel quite selfish with your time...running with that theme, although I don't like it at all, they can/will play with each other. I know a lot of people who are an only child, and they've said that growing up is very lonely. I have a glimpse of it now, being the only child left at home. Sitting at dinner with my mum dad and nana can sometimes feel depressing. Not that I don't love them - it does just get incredibly lonely.

[ghost69]

her wanting kids doesn't mean immediately. don't have anymore kids if you don't want to though. never do that to please someone else. it's your life too.

 

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[Scotcha]

Honestly.. Though I may be wrong here.. I don't think that having another child will take away that much more time out of "your" time. If you want to go out on a date with your wife you already have to get a sitter.. You've committed yourself to 18 years (and a lifetime) with your daughter already.

 

Children are lots of work and they do take a lot of time out of your life. I know first hand. I used to feel like you do though.. But I always wanted to have another child.. I thought I would wait until my son was older.. He's 5 now and looking back.. I think it would have been easier to have two children closer together... You know, kind of to get it all over with at once..

 

I can tell you this though... The sleeping gets more. The unpredictibility becomes more predictible.. Think it through.. Then talk to your wife.

[yokeydokey]

I was an only child (my mother ate the others). My ex-wife was an only child. We both have some big problems, and with that in mind, when we decided to have kids (there's some Darwin for you) we agreed that having at least two was absolutely essential, for the kids' sake. Two was all I wanted, but she wanted three or four or five... Simple enough, she stopped taking the pill without telling me and *pop* there were three. Want to know anything about the vasectomy procedure?

 

Moral of the story: I think only-children are much more likely to be weird than kids with siblings. Selfish, introverted, not able to deal with reality very well, etc etc. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Oh, I forgot to tell you. With two kids and two parents you can do man-on-man. With the third kid you have to go to zone. It'll keep you light on your feet. Now-a-days, when it's just me and those three, I have to resort to Bobby Knight tactics sometimes.

[ghost69]

i really don't like scotcha's reply. i don't agree with that 100%. just because you already have a kid doesn't mean have another since you already have to get a sitter. so what's one more? that seems crazy. wait until you feel comfortable having another if ever.

 

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