Hot and Cold

[answersguy]

My girlfriend and I get along great most of the time but every now and then she just gets cold or distant for no reason. She'll look at me like I'm the only person in the world that matters one moment and ignore me the next. Sometimes she'll try to do things to make me jealous and I don't know why her behavior changes so much. Last night we were hanging out, having a great time being retarded, took a shower and when we got out, I asked if I could borrow a shirt. We have a rule about not keeping stuff from ex's and we both got rid of pretty much everything. We'll the shirt that she gives me to wear is from a guy that she hooked up with a few times... I think she expected me to get aggrivated but I didn't, I said it was cool, that he's not an ex, and that I kept some stuff from my random hookups too and she got really pissed. She tried to make me jealous, I turned it around, validated her behavior by saying I do the same thing and she can't handle it. What's the deal with this one incident and why the erradic behavior constantly? any ideas?

[chocojay]

mmmm...thats very odd behaviour there....how is your communication in the relationship? y would she deliberalty want to make jealous? Y would she want to test you so much? Does she not trust you? do you give her mixed signals about your feelings towards her?

Have you spoken to her about this coz its really odd. Its either you lyk someone or you dont, period.

[AwdreeHpburn]

In my opinion you just need to let her know when she does something you don't understand. Call her on it sort of. I don't mean make her feel bad or get angry, just try to sort of the confusion WITH her every time so she can see how frequent it is.

 

That will afford her the opportunity to explain herself and you the chance to clear it up.

 

But if I may be so bold - and I mean this respectfully....She sounds confused and you sound like a pushover. Maybe you're too good to her. I just mean....one time, I was dating this guy who was ALWAYS catering and ALWAYS being understanding. It was the weirdest thing, but he brought out the worst in me. I know that sounds crazy, but he was too easy to take advantage of....I hate myself ofr it cos its not me to be that way........ANYWAY.....

[rabbitskin]

It seems to me that you conceded the moral high ground with the 'I keep stuff too' remark. Do you really not mind, or did you just say that to hurt her? Okay, she tried to make you jealous, but you simply played her game. If this is a pattern, I suggest you say what you are really feeling instead: I wish you hadn't kept this because I care about you and I don't like the thought of you and other men.

I used to pull stupid stuff like this, too, and it was because I was looking for validation. I *wanted* my bf to feel bad so that I'd know he cared about me... what I wanted to hear was an affirmation of his feelings for me. It's not a good thing to do, but it springs, most likely, from insecurity. You can help by being honest and direct and not being sucked into the 'game' she's playing.

[AwdreeHpburn]

It seems to me that you conceded the moral high ground with the 'I keep stuff too' remark. Do you really not mind, or did you just say that to hurt her?

 

I tihnk he was trying to relate and diffuse it. Not hurt her.

 

I used to pull stupid stuff like this, too, and it was because I was looking for validation. I *wanted* my bf to feel bad so that I'd know he cared about me... what I wanted to hear was an affirmation of his feelings for me.

 

And this isn't playing games? Why wouldn't you just tell him? Whether or not this is what your gf is doing Answerguy - I dunno, but you could maybe ask her so you know for next time.

[rabbitskin]

Awdree, I think you've misunderstood my post. The first was an honest question: if, for example, someone says, "I look at other people, but I don't do anything about it" there is a world of difference between the response, "Don't worry, I look too" and "Yeah? I look at other people all the time... look at her, she's hot!" I simply wanted to establish the tone of his response, which wasn't clear to me.

And I wasn't trying to say that what I used to do was good, or sensible, or not playing games. Note the word 'stupid' in there. It just sounded to me that this guy's situation was a lot like this experience of mine, which was why I, also, told him to try being honest: just like you did.

[answersguy]

Wow, I've posted on here a few times but it's mainly just to get thoughts out of my head. I got two very specific and incredibly helpful things already from this one.

 

First off, to Awdree... I think you have me pegged, I am too much of a pushover and I let her walk on me sometimes. I didn't used to be ad our relationship was great. Once I started catering to her every whim, things got the way they are. How can I pull out of this trend? Should I just stop outright or ween myself out of it little by little? I think a dramatic change in behavior would cause her some concern.

 

Secondly, rabbitskin... I think you're also 100% right, she has tendancies to be insecure and want validation. Especially around her time of the month which started last night. You were right about me playing her game, I figured if I made her jealous the same way she made me jealous she would understand better. When I tell her that I don't like her keeping stuff like that, she always tries to say it's not a big deal... When I put her in my shoes, she may get upset but she also accepts my point of view. What can I do to stop this and make her feel more secure in general so she doesn't feel the need to do this stuff?

[dw_rc...Confused]

In my experience the whole 'Hot and Cold' thing is just a women thing that I've had to get used to

[rabbitskin]

I hate to say this, but your girlfriend sounds JUST like me! (past and present versions!). I am the queen of explosions, drama, this is a big deal. And then later I calm down and apologise because my anger got in the way of my reasoning. Or I had PMT, like your girlfriend.

First, don't engage in the pissing match. EVER. This is easier said than done, because it becomes a kind of competitive thing that is hard to resist. And the point of it is simply, she wants to see you explode in jealousy, so that she can think, wow, he really cares about me after all, look how upset he is! be stubborn. Say nothing at all. Or engage with it for what it is, 'Are you trying to make me jealous? You don't need to'.

 

On the 'making her more secure' issue... well, this will take time and trust, and will grow by itself as the days pass and none of her nightmares happen- you cheating, leaving her, etc. Also, and this might sound like bizarro-land advice, but I always found that written things, letters and emails, made me feel more secure. Just the fact that someone took the time to labor over a piece of paper and explain their feelings meant a lot to me, plus I had it there to read whenever I felt not-so-secure.

Of course, you seem like a nice guy and will have to balance your handling of this with the other part of the problem, which is being a pushover. But I think if you can be strong and not get sucked into the game, but call it for what it is, you will solve both at the same time.

[heloladies21]

You're halfway there.

I think she expected me to get aggrivated but I didn't, I said it was cool

She did expect you to get jealous, but your reaction was incorrect. Many guys misinterpret what a girl is really looking for when she does something like this. It's not to be some manipulative *****, it's that she wants to see if you truly care about her. Think about it, you would only get jealous over someone that you truly care about.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would immediately go off on her and say something like "Who's shirt is this?" in an aggressive no BS tone. Then an argument would ensue where I would basically question what she's looking for in this relationship and if I didn't receive the answers I was looking for, I would immediately dump her. Situations like this really are this serious. If you let em slide, you suffer the consequences of bad attitude from your chick until she finally breaks up with you.

[heloladies21]

Should I just stop outright or ween myself out of it little by little? I think a dramatic change in behavior would cause her some concern.

You can't do it little by little, there's no such thing. Either you stick up for yourself or you don't, there's no middle ground.