Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde

[rabbitskin]

I wonder if anyone has experienced this with someone: the person who is wonderful, perfect, empathetic, and your best friend when right in front of you, and yet a jerk at a distance?

I'm friends with a colleague who works on the other side of the country, and every time I get sent to his office we are like, best friends. We go out together, we laugh, we discuss office politics. He's so close to me at these times and there's no-one in the world I'd rather speak to.

But at a distance... his emails are cold, on the phone he is stilted and can't talk about personal stuff. He gave me terrible, horrible advice about the recent break-up with my boyfriend which shocked me so much I had to quickly hang up the phone.

My question is this... how can he be a *totally* different person when I'm not with him?

[astaro]

how long has this been going on?

 

and what advice did he give you?

[rabbitskin]

We've been trying to stay in touch by email and phone this past three months, but I've known him for over a year (in person only, when I got sent to the other office).

He told me that I should remember to sleep with my bf one last time before leaving him. Which is sucky advice on so many levels I'm not sure where to start, but the most upsetting one is that he basically told me to use somebody. Especially because he knows my bf is pretty cut up about the break-up.

[astaro]

my honest opinion?

 

looks like he is trying to get you into the sack.

[rabbitskin]

Ahhhhhh.... you're going to have to explain that one to me?

How does telling me to have sex with someone else get me to do it with him?

You think that his nice thing is a big act when we're together, and otherwise he can't be bothered?

[astaro]

there are allways two sides to everything, you could also say that maybe the reason he dosnt contact you much when your away is because he cares and thinks it will never happen.

 

the reason i said he is trying to get you into the sack is actualy because he told you to sleep with your ex (combined with the little contact while your appart). that really is a horible piece of advice, which makes me think he might be saying that because he would like to be able to do that aswell "just for the sex" and from that i assumed he has absolutly no problem using someone for sex if he can give a piece of advice like that.

 

its just an assumption though

[TheFallenShadow]

Unfortunately, this kinda thing happens, i know, because i was in a LDR as well, when we were together everything was outstanding, but being a part created alot of problems...i think part of it was be away from each other...and yes the calls and the emails, were short, clipped at times, and very much a struggle to deal with...so the dance so to speak, was as it is, i think too, that because we were not together, that there was a a longing and wanting, a needing for that which was not there...and tangible...its rough, so two things, one, either end the good times together, or carry on, and continue to drive yourself crazy with the why's

[lonelyfish]

I'm having that issue. Wish we were just friends. I'm on the east coast and he's on the West coast. The times I spend with hime are great - like I have an instant boyfriend. He's very wishy washy long distance which I cant stand! One minute he emails me every day then I won't hear from him for a week. We are not in a committed realationship for we just met and hardly see each other but we have fun when we are together. It just seems like he's not putting in as much effort as I am.

[SarahRose]

Anyone else have any insight on why people do this?

 

LDR is hard enough without someone acting distant. I find it builds resentment that I have when I see them again. Talking to them does nothing.

 

Things are great when we are together in person.

[rabbitskin]

Yeah... it taints everything in the past, too. Like with this guy, I wonder if he really only does like me because he hopes it'll end in the bedroom. I thought we were such good friends, but looking back on the times we've spent together... it's so much easier to think it's all an act when the minute I'm gone, we instantly stop being close.

Lonelyfish, I once got annoyed and asked Mr.Hyde why he's like that. He told me that maybe he's just selfish. But I'm not really sure what that means.

[lonelyfish]

Rabbitskin,

 

Just wondering, if he's just a friend why are you so concerned about this guy? I have friends in town that sometimes drive me crazy. He may be really interested in you and either doesn't want to admit it or likes egging you on by treating you bad - just like little boys do to girls at the age of 7 and really like a girl! Guys can be really immature. I emailed my guy just the other day about him being so MIA of late. No big deal to me normally, but I'm heading out his way for the 2nd time next month. He should be kissing my but that I'm traveling on my dollar to see him! Of course I'd rather go that way for I live in New England and could use some West Coast sunshine! I do think you have to be upfront with guys if they are upsetting you if not they will just take advantage of the situation. But you can't constantly nag at them - they will just run away! Hope that helps some.

[rabbitskin]

Rabbitskin,

 

Just wondering, if he's just a friend why are you so concerned about this guy?.

 

In a few words... because people who just *get* me, they're so few and far between that I don't want to lose someone like that. And because he really hurt me with that last comment.

Thanks for the advice, I'm thinking it over, but right now I'm kinda N/Cing this guy because I just haven't made up my mind about him or his intentions.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think it could be lots of things... some people are not good on phone conversations or email. i've known several people who are quite charming in person, but not good at other forms of communication.

 

the other thing could be that if he is emailing for calling from work he might feel inhibited, and email can always be forwarded to someone else, so he might not want to have a lot of personal communication over email.

 

but something you should pay attention to, if he says he is selfish, BELIEVE HIM!! our tendency is to say, awww, he's being modest, but most likely he means it. i took up with someone like this, who was very charming, but ran hot and cold, and told me things like he is selfish and wants to do what he wants when he wants, and he didn't really love anyone the way he ought to, and it turned out to be all true!

 

a good friend told me something very wise once, that we have always have signs from the beginning what the relationship will be like (and what the person is really like), but we tend to delude ourselves or make excuses because we are so besotted with the person in the early days... and she was really right.

 

so if he is blowing hot and cold now, and saying he is selfish, and is saying insensitive things, that is who he really is! he is also the charming fun person you saw when you were together, but don't discount the bad behavior by focusing only on the good...

 

one other thought... sometimes if a man is after sex with you, you could be talking about anything under the sun, good, bad, indifferent, and he will all of a sudden slide in some reference to sex... because he is thinking about it, and trying to get YOU to think about it. so you could be bearing your soul to him, and he is thinking about sex and makes some nonsensical comment about you having sex with your ex to get you off the topic of your emotions and onto the topic of sex...

 

the guy that i dated who told me he was selfish also used to do that kind of thing, because he was hoping to get me into the sack... and he did some weird things too, like i'd be talking about some mutual male friend and he would make some comment like, you and so and so should go and have fun, would you have sex with him? and i would be very upset becuase it was a ridiculous comment, and i did NOT want to have sex with that person.

 

after we started dating, i later found out he was a swinger, and that he really got off on group sex and was later suggesting that we (me him and that other friend from before) should have sex together! so what i thought was weird earlier clicked then, because he enjoyed the thought of me having sex with other men (and him and other women, etc. etc.), so the comment about me having sex with someone else was a little warning chime, though i didn't understand it at the time...

 

best of luck... he may be OK, but i would definitely not get too involved with him emotionally or physically until you are in a position to know him better, or know more about him in context i should say.