Calling all suspicious wives

[bubblebath]

I do not want to bother you with too many details so i will give the short version of my story which is: I have been married for nearly 25; but no, we do not have a very good marriage; we rarely have sex any more and my husband and I have already been briefly separated a few years ago but has come back home (he said it was for the children, but they are grown now). I do not want do D.

 

But not all is bad: we do have a pretty intense social life; we have lots of friends and go out a lot and have fun with them. So that is good.

Anyway, recently I have felt or "sensed" that my husband has fallen or is falling in love for a friend of ours, the wife of one of his best friends and I think it is appalling.

 

They spend a lot of time with us and last year they started vacationing with us (my husband asked them to come with us and another few couples and they did).

 

What should I do? I know that I should try and work on the marriage etc, but for the time being I just want ideas on how to sidestep THIS situation NOW? I absolutely do NOT want my husband to see or be or spend time with this woman any more (even if in a group). I absolutely DO NOT want this couple to vacation with us again this year.

Please, please I need input and ideas on how to eliminate her from by circle of friends, and I will think about working on the marriage later.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I think it would be best if you just come right out and tell him that you think he has developed feelings for her. See what he says.

 

I think it's better to be straight-forward in this situation, because if you just try to come up with ways to eliminate her (for no seemingly apparent reason)- then it's too easy for him and your friends to get around it. Whereas if you just let him know that you sense something unhealthy developing there, and you would prefer not to be in her company anymore- there would be no question and no trying to get around it. Let him know that you do not want to vacation for them for this reason.

 

Also, after you have a talk with him, if he goes to her and TELLS her about your suspicians, then you would know that you were right and that his emotional loyalities are not with you.

 

May I ask what specifically makes you think that he has developed feelings for her?

 

BellaDonna

[bubblebath]

«May I ask what specifically makes you think that he has developed feelings for her?»

Yes, sure. His attitute around her. His display of affection (discreetly exchanging glances; I have noticed) holding on to each other whey they greet each other; his way of always complimenting her; he always seems to be eager to be where he knows they are gonig to be; all in all, just this "feeling" that he is very attracted to her.

 

If I confronted him, he'd certainly say I am paranoid and she is his best friend's wife.

[Daligal83]

Have you thought of trying couple's counseling? I know you said that you want to get rid of her first, and deal with the marriage later, but I think they go hand in hand. Either he isn't in love with her and you don't trust him, or he is and that needs to be dealt with. I think both of those could be dealt with in couple's therapy. It could help you navigate this in a way that could save your marriage.

[Ash]

Please, please I need input and ideas on how to eliminate her from by circle of friends, and I will think about working on the marriage later.

 

I'm sort of thinking you may wish to attack these two issues in a different order. Deferring work on your marriage which you admit might be part of the issue is not something you should be putting off. On the other hand, forcing a wedge now between him and her although seemingly the thing to do might leave him feeling angry about things. Perhaps not a justified emotion on his behalf, but something that can tend to happen in these situations.

 

It's not at all unusual for one partner or sometimes both to start finding things outside the marriage when the marriage is not good. I'd be concerned if you do manage to cut her out, but the marriage does not improve, he'll look somewhere else and this time will keep it more under wraps.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you can't get her 'out' of your social circle of friends, but you can decide not to invite her to your house or do things in the group when she is there... but that really doesn't solve your problem.

 

if your marriage is strong from the inside out, then she will not be a temptation (and if she is strong with her own husband it may not be an issue either). but it sounds like your marriage has descended into a platonic friendship without the spice and intimacy of sex and closeness, which often leads to this kind of problem, where he falls into it with someone else. so even if you drummed her out of your circle, he might be attracted to someone else because he is missing intimacy in his life with you, and you can't separate him from all women in an attempt to keep him.

 

so i really think you should NOT overlook this and 'maybe' work on your marriage later, do it right now, and hope that they have not already started an affair and it is too late. It is a very common thing that happens, where a middle aged marriage falls apart when one partner goes outside the marriage for intimacy, so please go immediately to marriage counseling to try to get back on track, even if you think he is not cheating yet, he may be, or may be soon, and the next step after that is frequently a divorce.

 

so take it seriously and focus on your relationship with him rather than trying to cut her out. if he really wants to see her, he will do it behind your back, and cutting her out of your social circles just won't work.

[i1dr]

If your marriage is as you describe I doubth that there will be much that you really will have the power to do to derail this attraction. A man and a women (you) eventually can't take what is emotional starvation. The most likely way to change the future as far as their possible romance is concerned is to find a way to rediscover your husband as the person he once was to you - if that is possible. If the two of you were back in love this would disapear in a flash or at least not go further. Without love for a long time - love will find a way back in ... and this is what is happening.

I think you should re-examine why you want to stay in a loveless marriage. A social life seems like a weak reason (sorry) and both need to decide if perhaps it may be better to divorce so that both have a chance to find love again. This is what he seems to be doing. Perhaps on the other hand this can serve as a wake up call - and the start to a way back?