Best friend is a negative control freak

[Belle]

One of my longest relationships has been with my friend, T. We've had long periods of not speaking to each other after particular incidents. They're not really fights since I never really speak up and tell her how I feel, I simply withdraw.

 

Essentially, the problem is that T really likes to nag constantly. She reminds me of my father, who is super negative and even calls his girlfriend stupid. I get tired of the both of them. Unfortunately, I have to deal with my dad. I just go small doses now.

 

With my friend T, however, I don't have such a tie. I have felt closer to her than my own sisters because she's a very loyal and giving person. She's one of teh most giving people I know. I trust her and I know she trusts me. But part of the bargain is her negativity. It can get almost absurd. She's highly insecure and very competitive with me. We met at a job a decade ago and were competitive with each other. Now that she's a house wife and I'm doing really well in my career, she's still competitive. And she's always been competitive with men as well. I get a lot of attention from men and this really bothers her as she's insecure about her looks. So she goes out of her way to chip at me for not being in a settled relationship. It's not out of concern. It's a jab to make herself feel better since she "caught" her husband. The list is endless of the absurdities.

 

I want to talk about these things to her to salvage the relationship. I know it's doomed to failure because frankly, I've had about all I can take. She has a problem and her problem is the need to fix everyone around her whether they need it or not. And a side effect is to put me down to make herself feel better about her life. If I talk to her about it, though, I'm afraid of the response. She's one of the least self aware people I know but believes she knows everything. This is a really tough combination. It means they never see anything logical that's pointed out to them.

 

I really don't want to lose her, but I can't change her. And I can't live with the way things are because it brings me down. Any advice?

[sanns677]

Like you said, she is insecure. As someone who used to be very insecure, I needed a boost from someone to get any confidence. Maybe she just needs a few comliments now and then, Say that she does a relly good job at keeping a nice home, raising her children etc. Maybe she is insecure about her looks, if that is the case tell her how good she looks, her clothes are great, her hair is gorgeous, something... (luckily girls can do that with eachother lol). For me I just needed a little of that before I coluld look in the mirror and say "you know what, they are right" and I became much less negative. It took a while but I did it. Maybe she just needs a little ego boost!

[Belle]

thank you Sanns. I do try to compliment her to promote positive interaction. I'll do more and see if it has any effect. Thanks for being honest so I can see how she might feel.