I had a setback and need to VENT!

[finewhine]

Last week was the week of ex-boyfiend hell. We've been broken up since the last week in May, mind you. Some of you may have been following my threads, but the gist of it is that I want to put the breakup behind me (against repeated interference from the awful ex). I'd say I'm about 90% recovered from the whole experience.

 

He stopped contacted me in mid-December. Great, right? Well...

 

On Valentine's Day, I celebrated the first year in four years that I didn't spend it with him. I went out on the town with my girlfriends to a party. Who should show up but his best friend - who insisted on talking to me about the ex! He actually asked me, "So, are you and Ex cool?" I said, with as much composure as I could muster, "Well, actually, no." I asked him if the ex had moved out of town, and he said not only did he not, but he didn't think he would. I changed the subject and managed not to embarrass myself in spite of the fact that I was honkin' mad that my ex didn't even tell his (our semi-mutual) friends that I don't like him because of the horrible way he treated me. I spent the rest of the night convinced that I could only settle things by beating the crap out of him.

 

Flash forward to Friday. My anger has passed. I am out at a birthday party in a bar. I start talking to this girl, a mutual friend of the birthday girl. It turns out we have a friend in common - the ex's other best friend. She asks how long the ex and I have been broken up. I say since about June. She says, "That recent?" I knew what she was getting at and told her, "Yeah, he started dating his new girlfriend a week after we broke up."

 

It's getting late and I have to go home because I was facing an early morning. I have my coat on and am literally walking out the door and who should walk in but the ex's other best friend. Now, I really love this guy and would hang out with him all the time if it weren't for the fact that he lives with my ex. I was really happy to see him - I haven't seen him since the ex and I split. I tell him I'd love to have a beer with him before I go - and the ex's new girlfriend comes in right after him. I introduce myself, and she looks freaked out and scampers away.

 

At this point I'm stuck, so I sit and have a beer with my friend. I got in such a state - I vented to my other friends there and got a little out of hand. I spent a lot of time talking to the ex's best friend - he talked to me instead of her because she disappeared. I started walking over to their friends and talking to them, as I hung out with them all the time for several years and we're all really fond of each other. She didn't look at me or say a word. At one point I accidentally ran into her (crowded bar) and she flinched and ran away when I said excuse me. Did NOT look me in the eyes ONCE.

 

I eventually left and I freaked out on the way home. Lots of misdirected anger towards the new girlfriend. I got so upset that she's not nearly as attractive or interesting as I am (and yes, I could ascertain all of this from interacting with her as little as I did). Yeah, I'm a little jealous, but more upset than anything else.

 

How could the ex disrespect me by starting to date her a week after we broke up? He replaced me, slipping into this relationship right where ours left off, never giving me a second thought (except when it came to random e-mails and even more random Christmas presents). It still stings. Seeing her brought back all that trauma. Finding out that she's less attractive/interesting than I am really, really stung. He was willing to disrespect me for that? My ego is in little bitty shards.

 

I realize that the way I frame this makes me sound unlikable and/or stuck up. Just know I am a really nice person who treated my ex like gold. I'm not this judgmental towards everyone, I swear. Let's just say I'm a fairly confident person.

 

Anyway, he was parading this woman around while I was immobilized with grief. He was dating her while I was doing all this soul-searching. He showed her off to all his friends like I never even existed. It was like I was replaced by someone completely different from me without any downtime. I can't convey how badly this traumatized me. Towards the end, I suspected that he couldn't care less about the relationship; this confirmed everything and then some.

 

What did he TELL her about me? Does she know that he hurt and betrayed me worse than anyone in my life (even beating a former best friend who slept with an old boyfriend)? Does she know that we talked about getting married? That we were about to move in together? That he sent me an expensive Christmas present and told me that one of the reasons he was able together was because he didn't want to "get better all alone?" My ex is an oblivious jerk. She's probably just happy for the attention. Poor thing. Can only guess at how she feels. Same for him.

 

My ex disrespected then forgot me. Terrific! Yeah, the ideal me wouldn't care and would be over this. The ideal me would realize I'm better than the situation. The real me is still a little sore.

 

So anyhoo, there's my vent. I hope I stop running into these people.

[need2bme]

Hey girlie...

 

Nah, ya didn't do anything to mess up anything. Quite frankly, what else could you have done, except run away? But you didn't...in fact you faced up to everything, even though there was no ex involved.

 

I will let you in on a little secret...hee hee...I flamed the ex in an email today, so I felt like I was going backwards too. How can she call me on Valentines Day, sleep with me before, hang out and flirt with me and all that, WHILE she was dating him.

 

So, I am trying to look at it like this; we all have our slip ups. Right? Besides, you didn't even have a slip up or do anything wrong. As for your ego being in shards, I don't think it should be. Didn't you type that she wasn't what you are? That should make you feel good. Also, him leaving like he did and doing what he did, is a reflection on him, not you.

 

At least you were able to stand tall and not get into it with her. I know how all the feelings come back, they did for me today. I also know how we can let our minds get to us, by wondering how they can act one way and then say they feel another.

 

Hey, look at it this way...at least you don't have to deal with his crap anymore.

[finewhine]

For the record, I left him. But he was utterly reprehensible to me is why I did it.

 

And thanks, need2beme. I know others will disagree, but I don't see anything wrong with flaming your ex in an e-mail. I say, get it out! They ain't coming back, so who cares?

 

Of course, don't indulge in this behavior too frequently (giggle).

 

Wuddup with our lame exes and their inferior new partners?

[pacopaco]

 

Anyway, he was parading this woman around while I was immobilized with grief. He was dating her while I was doing all this soul-searching.

 

It happened to me too, but it's the soul searching that makes all the difference. did you jump into something right away, too? no. Keep the soul searching, and may it never stop for you. we are all a work in progress. People that leave people to be with other people in the blink of an eye really trip me out. make me think, "what are they missing?"

[finewhine]

It's kind of scary when you think about it. I mean, who are these people that are jumping into a relationship with them? Are they just as oblivious? I know it's not healthy to think about them, but I can't help it.

[need2bme]

Yes. I agree. I can bet you dollars to donuts that my ex girlie's BF has no idea that WHEN she spent time with me that she flirted and says she missed me and complimented me like there was no tomorrow.

 

I also am sure that he doesn't know we were all kissy-kissy. Finally, I bet if he knew she called to wish me a Happy V-Day, he would not have been happy, even if it was innocent.

 

How could he not be upset with it, if he knows her's and my history together. We usually couldn't even get in the same room without having some type of physical connection.

 

I will never understand it. Sometime I think they want a deeper connection, leave you because they don't have it, but wouldn't do anything to help create it when you were together.

[finewhine]

I think they want a deeper connection, leave you because they don't have it, but wouldn't do anything to help create it when you were together.

 

In other words, no matter who left whom, they are FLAWED. We're just better. Heh.

[insaddingaround]

Good place to vent.

 

link removed

 

Might also be good place to see if anyone hates your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

[pacopaco]

In other words, no matter who left whom, they are FLAWED. We're just better. Heh.

 

I don't know that we're better, but sure, they're flawed. Ask my ex-girl. She's all messed up, and I realised that I am GLAD she left me. I wouldn't have the opportunity to find me. All this giving, giving, giving, and then being cheated just will not do! yeah, she's flawed, and you'd be surprised how many people are so so afraid to find out about how they really work on the inside, even if it could be grand!

[finewhine]

Paco - the "better" part was tongue-in-cheek. I'm as flawed as they come, just not in that particular way.

 

I guess I'm concerned about my ex's lack of self-discovery, but I'm more concerned about the self-preservational instinct that kicks in when you've been replaced. From an evolutionary standpoint, what happened to those who leave the herd and nobody notices? Did they go off and die? Is this the same thing?

[Orlander]

finewhine, i'm sorry to hear about about everything that happened last week.

 

What made all the difference in the world was accepting what happened. It doesn't matter that your ex found someone so quickly, nor does it matter that he talked to his new gf about you.

 

What matters is that you try to cultivate your love for him by letting him go and letting him be happy/unhappy.

 

Over the weekend I found a sense of closure when I asked God to give my ex every bit of happiness she truly desires with her fiance. I prayed for them both and it actually made me happy to think that at least she has someone who she loves and can make her happy. I pray that he can give her the happiness I couldn't. It really brings me a sense of peace and happiness to know that she is happy. It actually makes me unhappy if I start to think about her not being happy.

 

I realize now that its unconditional love and acceptance that sets us free. Love enough to truly wish happiness for himself, his new girl and for yourself.

 

Orlander

[finewhine]

Hey, Orlander. I'm almost ready to do what you suggested. Almost!

 

It's this final hurdle that's biting me in the butt. Until last week, it was all about trying to figure out how to forget about the situation. Now it's back to reconciling this bad thing that happened to me. I though I had put it to bed, but seeing that new girl brought everything back.

 

I hope this was just the thing I needed to put it behind me. I really hope I'm done feeling like this.

[Orlander]

*sigh* yes, sometimes things happen to bring it all back. The final hurdle is about acceptance. Accept that he is out of your life and loves someone new and cultivate that happiness for his own happiness.

 

Just be patient and try to be loving.

 

Orlander

[finewhine]

Hmm, the patience part I'm learning. The loving part is the hard part.

 

I need this to be more of an abstraction. Like, if I look at it as an event in the Grand Scheme or whatever, I can sort of stomach it better. When I think of it on personal terms is when I have problems. Maybe I should try not to take it so personally. Seems funny for a situation that was so personal, but it's the only way, I guess.

[need2bme]

Maybe I should try not to take it so personally. Seems funny for a situation that was so personal, but it's the only way, I guess.

 

I know. How do you NOT take it personally? Maybe it just takes time. I tried so hard to get outside of myself and think as Orlander stated, and be happy that she is happy. Don't we all deserve that? For me, I can look back and recall what I did.

 

I know what I need to do. I think for me, hanging onto the pain, means I don't have to let go yet.

 

I know she has been sad for most of her life and not had a chance to belong. She has had nothing but people using her (in my opinion). It was just that lately it was as if she was acting like nothing happened and I couldn't move on. She wanted to just laugh and talk with me and wish me a Happy Valentine's Day.

 

I want to be happy for her. I honestly believe that she deserves to be happy. I just wanted her to know that she caused some damage and the way she went about living her life with me, was not cool with me.

 

ARRGGHH! Anyway, I so feel for ya.

[finewhine]

See, I don't believe my ex deserves to be happy. I am 100% petty and awful, I know.

 

Need2beme, that makes you a way more magnanimous person than I am. You should be happy about that!

[Orlander]

I am 100% petty and awful, I know.

No, you are just hurt. Give it time...just a few weeks ago I was fighting the temptation of calling my ex and telling her she was the worst thing that ever came into existence...trust me, I had some stuff to say to her that would make most people question their very existence. LOL

 

But, I refused to take the low road and soon my visions, thoughts and hopes for retribution and self-labeled "justice" evolved into love for her and a heartfelt wish and desire for her happiness and the happiness of her fiance.

 

In the end, we all deserve happiness. In truth, your ex is just trying to fill a need, he is just trying to be happy. We aren't perfect. We try and fail, but as long as we can love, then we can have happiness. It will happen, finewhine, I promise.

 

 

Orlander

[pinkelephant]

"Finding out that she's less attractive/interesting than I am really, really stung. He was willing to disrespect me for that? My ego is in little bitty shards."

 

 

LOL. This is exactly what I told my bestfriend when I saw his gf for the first time. How could he be with THAT???? Vain, I know. But, if she makes him happy...

[finewhine]

Orlander - THANK YOU for putting this in a new perspective for me.

 

I think I finally understand something - I am only hurting myself right now. While my ex may have hurt me terribly, I already "paid him back" in the only way possible: by removing myself from his life.

 

Now that I'm extracted, it's my responsibility to MYSELF to stop hurting because of him. It's my responsibility to MYSELF to wish him well, because by resenting him, I'm still holding him to a higher standard than I would a stranger.

 

Am I missing anything?

[Orlander]

a friend who is a former alcoholic gave me this when he learned of my situation and heartached over my ex.

 

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free.

Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free.

Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

 

 

Your ex will never be a stranger. You have a history with this person and a part of who you are is because of the relationship you had with this person. The best any of us can do is accept that the relationship was flawed and that it is over. Patience is also key as we need it in order to heal. Love is necessary as you have to cultivate love for yourself and for your ex in order to move on. Love enough to let go. Lastly, confidence and faith is the key. If you have confidence and faith that you will find new love when you are ready, then you will.

 

 

1. acceptance

2. Patience

3. Love

4. Confidence and Faith

 

 

Live with these four things in mind and you will become a better person than you ever believed and you will heal and open your heart up to someone new, better and you will have love. You will be love.

 

 

 

 

Orlander

[finewhine]

I guess I was missing a whole lot!

[anna_k]

Ah yes, I am in a similar situation.

 

The thing is, I can see it from both sides.

 

I was the 'new girl' once. His ex pretty much hated me. We were all at the same party (their mutual friend) last year and as soon as I walked in, and people told her who I was, she stormed out. Leaving me to ask 'Who was that?' You tend to not care because you're still on that ego high of being with a guy other girls want. But later, it started to bug me that she was so negative. She would ask other people about me and refused to talk to my guy because she didn't like the fact that we were together. I wouldn't say he resented me for that (they were longtime friends before they dated) but it made things a little awkward. Soon enough, people didn't really respect me anymore because he never defended me and just left me to fend for myself.

 

So the next time round, again with the same guy (what a winner), I became the ex who sized up the new girl. Yes, like you I had that moment where I thought: "He broke up with me....for her? Riight." It doesn't really have to do with ego. It's just fact! Hahaha.

 

Finewhine, I do not think you are arrogant or stuck up. Confidence is always a good thing so long as we don't flaunt it. I think I have a lot more going for me than this new girl. I'm 2 years older with a job whilst she is still a student living at home worrying about trivial issues. I'm not knocking that. Not at all. It's what you do when you're young and I'm sure I was like her once. They are more alike and their lifestyles are more similar. It makes sense and is probably a better situation for him.

 

I sometimes feel sorry for her but then I think about the fact that I went through it all too. You start to fend for yourself when you're the newbie.

[finewhine]

That's true, Anna. It must be rough for her, just showing up one day and assuming the life her boyfriend and another woman built together over the course of several years. His friends and I have a long, warm history together, and I'm sure they didn't immediately accept her. She can't feel that great about that situation, but what do I know? She doesn't seem like she's that outgoing or entertaining, so maybe she doesn't know what it's like to fit in.

 

To make the situation better, I NEVER ever ever see my ex. I avoid him like the plague. If I ran into them together, maybe I won't puke now after following the advice I've gotten here.

 

And I can see how she's better for my ex - they're both short.

[need2bme]

And I can see how she's better for my ex - they're both short.

 

Hey!!??!!