Weird Behavior by Ex

[Mstyiyd]

Hey all...got a real weird scenario to share re: ex. We've been trying to maintain some sort of friendship for the past two yrs. Neither of us have dated anyone else; it's prob fair to say that we hang out w/each other more than we do anyone else. She claims she will never date me; I do have feelings for her still but have never acted on them. U can read some of my old posts to get the gist of craziness if u have nothing else to do...LOL.

 

Although we hang out on a reg basis, she constantly tells me she doesn't want anyone "knowing her business". And not to tell "her business" to ppl, such as my friends or her family. I'm still pretty close with her family. Now for the life of me, I don't know what business she's talking about bec to me, she has no more than than anyone! I'm guessing she doesn't want them knowing how often we hang out....but why? who cares? Not that I run off and tell ppl, but my friends see us together all the time, and she invites me down to her family's. I was there for the holidays (3rd yr in a row). Recently she invited me to go with her and her fam to a concert. It makes me feel like she's ashamed of me or smthg.....none of my other friends are like. Her fam knows of our past, I do know that. If she's looking to date someone, I guess anythings' possible but I don't know how when we're always together.

 

The other nite when she called her mom (yes she still lives at home) to tell her that she'd be home later (she asked me to have dinner w/her), I said "let me say hi", and she was like, "NO! I don't want them knowing my business, where I go and who I hang around with!".

[astaro]

sounds to me like she's using you as a cruch and feeling guilty about it.

[DN]

It could be that she just doesn't want to have to explain why she hangs out with you and doesn't get back together. It can get boring if friends and family keep pressuring you to do something or asking you questions you would rather not answer.

[Mstyiyd]

Then why hang out with someone all the time that you don't want to be in a rel'p with? Wouldn't most ppl NOT hang out on a reg basis with someone they're afraid wants to be with them? It's not like she seems to have too many other offers. And she gets real bent outta shape whenever someone asks if we're together or were together. Makes me feel like she's ashamed to be seen with me.....yet we're seen together all the time.

[Alezia]

I think I can relate to that one.

I don't think that she is ashamed of hanging out with you as a friend.

She probably just has no more feelings for you nor any intention to get back together with you. If her mom is anything like mine, she will keep asking questions on who are you going out with tonight etc.. If I mention an ex she will ask why am I hanging with my ex etc...

 

It really does get annoying after a while, especially when your mind is set about what you want yet others don't seem to want to listen. Some people think that just because you hang out with your ex a lot, it means you want to get back together and they try to read into something that isn't there.

 

I do think she is right for not integrating you with the family even though you might feel comfortable about it since you two were intimate/going-out. Most of my friends don't come over to say hi to my parents... in the first place. More questions arise from her parents if you do go out of your way to say hi. Vicious circle, you see my point?

[BlackCat]

That sounds just like my mother and her ex boyfriend. She broke up with him [i don't know the details] but that was 3 years ago and he still comes over and they do stuff with his family all the time.

I think she's [my mom] in a rut and got too comfortable and doesn't actually want to be with him but doesn't exactly want him to leave. But she makes it very clear to him all the time that they are only friends. It makes me feel bad for the guy.

 

I doubt this gives you any insight but I thought I'd share.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if her family liked you, they are probably pressuring her to get back with you, or else saying something like why are you stringing him along if you don't intend to have a relationship with him...

 

the fact that she is so adamant about people not knowing her business makes me think something else is going on... is there any chance that she is a closet lesbian or bi- and doesn't want her parent to know? it is odd that she wants to hang around with you but not have sex, especially after 2 years, maybe you are her beard.

 

but a more important question is why are you staying with someone who is very clear about not wanting a relationship with you, not having sex with you, gets angry if you try to discuss it? it is pretty clear that she has her own reasons for hanging out with you, but does not want a relationship.

 

please spend your time meeting new girls so that you can have a real relationship, not be stuck in limbo hoping your ex will turn into someone who really wants you back as a boyfriend, for whatever reason, she is very clear that she doesn't want that, and gets angry at the suggestion.

 

btw, i wouldn't take it that she is ashamed of you, more like she is using you for her own purposes, and doesn't want anyone else assume anything or guess what she is up to.

[Mstyiyd]

Thank you all for your input. I see everyone's points and they are valid. It's funny, her ears must be burning bec she just called me a few min ago...in front of her mother! Typical. I still spend time hanging out with her and her family. Like the holidays....why invite me to spend it w/her when we're not together...usually, you don't invite your friends to spend the holidays w/you...not 3 yrs in a row.

 

I'm sure there's a part of me that has the wishful thinking, but I do go out with my other friends & try to live my life. Today I've got plans to go to the movies with some ppl from work and later I'm meeting up with another friend for dinner. So I am getting out. It's really hard to separate from her. Her family does like me bec I was the first person she's ever dated (and she is nearly 10 yrs older than me) that has treated her well. Everyone else she has dated has cheated on her and left her.

 

Her family has made their feelings known @ me a long time ago; I know that they don't bring it up to her anymore. They know how she is. I don't get the purpose of using me; why doesn't she go out and find someone to date....if she doesn't want to date me. It is so weird....I personally wouldn't hang out all the time w/someone where the feelings weren't mutual. Maybe once in a while but not on an almost daily basis.

 

Pray for me that someday I find the strength I need to do what I need to do. I don't want to always be someone's best friend; I'm better than that.......I get so frustrated at myself!