BlackCat

Update: So I was seriously not sure if I should email him back [in response to those emails I wrote about above] and decided to just to wait til tomorrow and only ask about the meeting place for the show on Thursday. And then he texted me this evening asking how my interview went [yeah, I have to go through job interviews during all of this]. I was at work when he wrote so I told myself I wouldn't write him until after I'd arrive home a few hours later. But then he CALLED me when I was on the train [using the phone for phone calls is Japan isn't that common]. I told him I was on the train and I'd text him after I got home. Which actually turned out to be later than usual b/c I ran into my neighbor and made plans for Saturday. So I was in a pretty good mood when he finally got me on the phone. And he totally mentioned it. And I'm like, "yeah, things are going pretty well [not a lie b/c I got an interview for a job I really want and some other good things happened today]. He sounded sooo nervous and I asked him casually what's up--why'd you call. He said he thought I didn't want to talk to him anymore b/c I hadn't replied and I told him I had just been busy...that I often forget to text my friends back when a lot is going on. [Which is completely true. Before, with him I would write back right away since he was my boyfriend but since he's "just a friend" well...] And then he said something about how I probably don't want to go to the show w/ him on Thursday and I said, "Yeah, I'm still up for that" and he was really surprised. I'm not sure if any of this means anything but at least it makes me feel better right now. But don't worry--I am aware that people will miss each other after a breakup even if s/he doesn't actually want a relationship anymore. Thanks again for your advice--it helps keep me sane! I'm going through a lot right now w/ my job search plus this. I'll keep you guys updated!

MySpace and other sites can make it so hard! They make me turn into a stalker! I hope you were able to have a good birthday anyway!

He has said many times that he still wants to be friends. My last contact with him was after I told him about all the reasons why the UK girl is a Japanese fetishist [i looked at her profile on MySpace--she was in the "White Girls Who Love Japanese Guys" group, had like 11 Japanese guys of all types on her list--but no Japanese girls, had written them all comments about how hot they were [w/ many misspellings]]. He said he was really confused about that but still had feelings for her so...yeah. He said he knew that he was being stupid but that he couldn't ignore his feelings. It was after that phone call that I found this message board. And after posting and hearing back from you guys, I sent him an email saying that I was sorry for crying on the phone [i had tried to guilt trip him by saying that if he really cared for me at all he wouldn't be seeing her, etc] and that I would be OK. That I was stronger than I said I was on the phone and that I would be able to move on with my life. He replied saying he was glad to hear that and something playful. I didn't reply and a few hours later he texted my phone saying that he wanted to say that he really does care about me and that he knows he hurt me a lot and maybe he shouldn't say it but whenever I need help, he will always be there for me. Then in Japanese, [i understand but I know I lose the nuance when translated to English] I'm being incredibly selfish but please let's be close friends [仲良し]. I haven't replied to that and last night was the 1 day mark. I'm not sure if I should reply or ask him how it went at the Dr's [he has a bad cold or something] or if I should just wait to email him tomorrow asking about the details of when we meet up for the band live on Thursday. argh...sorry that that was so rambly...I'm just really not sure what to do.

haha--yeah--I hear you. The fidelity thing here is weird--it's like everyone cheats. But I guess the problem is that he wants to "stay" with her...

Yes--he's Japanese. But he spent the past 4 years abroad without his family and he's definitely not a "typical" Japanese guy.

shikashika--plus relationships are so different here! I feel like I'm in middle school again--I don't understand guys here at all!

That sounds just like my mother and her ex boyfriend. She broke up with him [i don't know the details] but that was 3 years ago and he still comes over and they do stuff with his family all the time. I think she's [my mom] in a rut and got too comfortable and doesn't actually want to be with him but doesn't exactly want him to leave. But she makes it very clear to him all the time that they are only friends. It makes me feel bad for the guy. I doubt this gives you any insight but I thought I'd share.

astaro-- Yeah, I can see what you're saying but there are other factors in play that have made me lean toward the forgive side. I think there is no way I could do it if he cheated on me with somebody who lived here, somebody who he could have a real relationship with. Also, if our relationship had been going well and he cheated, well, yeah, that goes with out saying--he'd be out the door. Maybe I'm being too optomistic right now and I'll discover later that I can't get past it but I guess time will tell.

DN--that's what I was thinking. Thanks for your input! And if I get over him in that time period then I'm ok with that too. SarahRose--it was more than a bad mood--I was in very bad form. So I guess I can forgive him because if things would have been ok with us, it wouldn't have happened. Of course it doesn't justify it, but I kind of understand. Especially since I have been in the same situation as him when I was much younger and have cheated.

I’m really glad I found this board—reading you guys’ posts have helped a lot. I feel sort of alone in this foreign country since I don’t have my family or regular friends to support me [i [i]do[/i] have friends though—just not my long-time friends from back home]. I’ve been reading through the posts and I know that most people advocate total NC but I’m really thinking it wouldn’t be right for my situation for 2 reasons. Please tell me if I’m crazy. I’m a westerner living and working in Japan for over 2 years. I was with the guy for 9 months [he is 7 years younger]. I found out a few days ago that he was cheating on me. Before he knew me he had “met” a girl living in the UK online and they had emailed each other for a few months. But nothing came of it and they lost contact. Then he met me and things were good…but then I began to sabotage things…I had a really bad and unexpected breakup back in my home country and I guess in some messed up way I was trying to keep myself from getting hurt. So I became very critical of everything. Don’t get me wrong, I did give him compliments but I wasn’t as nice as I should have been. I know that it hurt him and drove him away. So then he decides to write the UK girl since he’s going there for a trip w/ his family. [i didn’t know any of this at the time]. They meet and he kind of falls for her. He comes back and plans a solo trip [not an uncommon thing for guys to do here] to the UK for 2 months later. They meet and do the deed, etc. He comes back and two days later I find out about it. While he was in the UK for 3 weeks [only 3 days with her], I had a lot of time to really think and I realized that I was making myself unhappy and decided to change things—and it really worked! [it’s way to long to go into here.] I felt so much better in every aspect of my life and I was excited to see him again knowing that things would be much better between us. But then I found out about the girl. I thought it would turn into a thing for him asking me back but it somehow was the other way around. He was very apologetic of course and there was a lot of crying [on his part—I tried to keep mine in]. I didn’t want to break up…I mean, I know I can forgive him for it because I wasn’t very nice to him and she was what I wasn’t—happy, supportive, etc. Of course, I know what he did was way worse than what I did, but in a way, I understand. He is very mature for his age [he lived alone overseas during high school] but not at all experienced when it comes to relationships. So here’s where it gets complicated, he is still “seeing” the UK girl. He does realize that it’s not going to last since she lives so far away. [Plus chatting online for a few months and seeing each other for 3 days is not enough]. But he is convinced that he’s in love with her. I really don’t understand the Japanese concept of love—it’s so different. Anyway, she’s a total Asian fetishist—I stalked her MySpace profile—so it’s obviously not going to last. She’s coming to Japan for a couple weeks [was planned way before they met] next month so after that I’m pretty sure it will be over. [but it does kind of tear me up to think about her calling him her boyfriend]. Wrinkle #1 is I’m worried that if I do total NC that he will only think of me as the way I became [very critical, negative] rather than who I am now [easy going, positive]. I know he got a taste of it b/c during the long breakup, I didn’t yell or freak out, or say hurtful things. But I’m pretty sure that an NC would just end any chance I had with him. The other factor is that since he cheated on me he knows he hurt me. So I’m worried that if I do NC that he will think that I’m not able to forgive him for cheating and that’s why I’m ignoring him. He said [and means it] that he wants to be friends. He asked if I would still go see some bands with him this week [we had planned it before]. I know that we could work things out eventually. I wasn’t in a good place in my life before and now he knows how important it is to speak up when I say/do something that hurts him. I know he still has feelings for me and is just confused because I was so mean at times and because of this situation with the UK girl. I’m scared to push him away further. Unfortunately, I did the begging thing at first [i wish I had found this site before!] but I guess that is pretty common. I guess my idea would be no more emails/texts [we normally did those all day] and only see him a few times—we had plans to see different bands and he’s playing a show, etc. And then see how I feel about it. There’s a lot more to this story but I’ve already said so much that it’s probably boring. So ask if something isn’t clear. But like I said, I’m really glad I found this place. My appetite has returned! Thanks!