Does marriage ALWAYS mean someone has to give up something

[renaissancewoman101]

Besides ENA, I also hang out on a guinea pig forum. It is a forum dedicated to guinea pig enthusiasts. Recently one of the regular posters on there posted about how she was going to have to give away some of her guinea pigs because her husband objected to them and told her that if she loved him enough, she would sacrifice and give up some of her guinea pigs, just like since he cared about her a lot, if she ever asked him to give up his dog, he would. Is that normal in a marriage? She had guinea pigs before getting married and she brought them to the marriage and he knew about them.

 

If I ever get married, I would NOT be happy if, halfway down the marriage, I was asked to give up something and do it because "if I cared about my husband, I would do it" That sounds like a crock of crap and manipulation.

 

I dunno.

[Brooke657]

I would never give up my pets...unless the guy was allergic or something. If he loved her he wouldnt even ask.

[rocio]

Sounds like a real riot of a forum.

 

I'm a frog enthusiast. I'm absolutely passionate about the cute little buggers. The first time my bf ever came over to my house, he took one look at Queen Elizabeth, my adorable, slimy pacman frog and went "oh my god, she's disgusting!" I wouldn't let him come over after that for about a month. I told him Queen Elizabeth had her feelings hurt and didn't want to see him. So he was banned from my place. After we moved in together, though, she started to grow on him. When I went to Europe for 3 weeks he had to take care of her and grew quite attached. He eventually had a special fondness for her and found her adorable like me.

 

I don't think you should have to change who you are, or who your pets are!

[Hope75]

Well,

 

I do think that marriage consists of compromise and sacrafice sometimes. Being married means adjusting to living together and sharing property and even pets. I'm not saying that your friend should have to give up the piggies- her hubby knew about them before they got married and apparently was OK with them- and to me a pet is for life, but I'm trying to see where the hubby is coming from here too.

 

I'm wondering what your friend's husband's reasons were for asking her to find home for some of her piggies. Is she taking good care of them? Cleaning the cages regularly enough that they are healthy and do not cause excessive odor in the house? How many pigs are we talking about here?

[Day_Walker]

I think that this sort of behavior happens all the time, although sometimes those exact words are not used but it will cause the same effect. The problem that people say things to that effect is because they are effective. The notion that you pick something you enjoy doing over a person you love seems absurd to most people. While I do believe in compromise, that does not mean that one person does the giving and other gets their way, the key is middle ground. I would not give up something that I enjoyed doing just because a significant other wanted me to. But I do think that is a normal reaction that most people have. In most peoples minds they believe that they should do whatever is necessary for a significant other and I do not share the sentiment. You should not give up something just so the other person can get what they want. Sounds more controlling than anything else but if those ploys work then people must believe the rhetoric.

[Daddy Bear]

In every good marriage there is going to be some give and take on both sides. Saying "If you love me, you'll do this," though... I'm not down with that. Too much like extortion for my taste.

[renaissancewoman101]

This has nothing to do with me. I just noticed that about one of the posters on that guinea pig forum and I feel bad for her. Some of the other posters came to her rescue and adopted the piggies from her to help out.

 

It's just kind of sad because he knew about her love for guinea pigs when they got married and they had guinea pigs, but then he decided that the pets were too expensive and time consuming and I think he got jealous that when she got home, she fed the pets first. So, he threw it in her face that "I love you so much that if you ever wanted me to get rid of the dog, I would do it for you, then you should get rid of the pigs if you care about me.

[ratherbesailing]

Just how many guinea pigs did this woman have?

[Brooke657]

yeah i guess the number of animals matters

[Hope75]

I think his line of thinking and the way he's approaching her about this is not right (seems a bit manipulative to me), but I do think that marriage does require compromise and thinking of yourselves as a team rather than a single anymore. It can't be all about you and what you want.

 

But again, your friend had these pets before they married and her hubby knew about them- so it's tough to ask her to give them away now. Pigges have a pretty short life span (5-8 years) so can he bear with them and ask her not to get any more after they go?

[rocio]

No, that's manipulative. That's not the right way to start off a marriage, and if she gives in to that kind of manipulation she's just encouraging him to continue. What will be next?

[Daddy Bear]

The first time my bf ever came over to my house, he took one look at Queen Elizabeth, my adorable, slimy pacman frog and went "oh my god, she's disgusting!" I wouldn't let him come over after that for about a month. I told him Queen Elizabeth had her feelings hurt and didn't want to see him. So he was banned from my place. After we moved in together, though, she started to grow on him. When I went to Europe for 3 weeks he had to take care of her and grew quite attached. He eventually had a special fondness for her and found her adorable like me.

Well handled; great story.

[renaissancewoman101]

She started off with two guinea pigs and just recently adopted two more. He wants them to go back to the original two and now he gave his dog back to his parents. She loves the dog too. He really isnt a pet person but tolerates it. They both grew up in families with differing ideas about pets.

 

The people on that forum are crying foul about the hubby.

 

Brooke, yeah there is a entire forum dedicated to guinea pigs (their health, environment, etc). Cool place.

 

This is the messageboard.

 

link removed

[renaissancewoman101]

She really isn't a friend of mines, just someone I know from that forum.

 

I was just asking the question because I was kind of surprised about how much people will give up for a marriage.

 

If that was the case, I would be afraid to get married, since in a way, I would be giving up a part of myself and my autonomy.

 

For example, I love my guinea pigs and they mean the world to me. They are like my kids. My mom hates them and would LOVE it if I got rid of them. She actively wants to get rid of them for me behind my back. I've worked it out to where I only go up to visit her at their place. They dont come here because she hates the pigs, and I discourage her from staying over because I know the pigs would annoy her to no end.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, she has 4 guinea pigs and she takes VERY good care of them. I think the husband feels neglected a bit and wants attention.

[Hope75]

She started off with two guinea pigs and just recently adopted two more. He wants them to go back to the original two and now he gave his dog back to his parents. She loves the dog too. He really isnt a pet person but tolerates it. They both grew up in families with differing ideas about pets.

 

The people on that forum are crying foul about the hubby.

 

Brooke, yeah there is a entire forum dedicated to guinea pigs (their health, environment, etc). Cool place.

 

This is the messageboard.

 

link removed

 

Well, see, that's a little different.

 

When they married she had two piggies. He's not really a pet person but he tolorates them. And then she adopted two more. He's not asking her to give up the ones that she had when they married. He's just not happy that she brought more into the house knowing that he's not really a pet person.

 

To me that seems like she is the one who made the mistake, not taking his feelings into consideration when she doubled their pet population knowing he woundn't be happy.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love animals and I have 2 cats and a dog with my live in bf, all of whom I brought home, but I would not have done that without talking it over with my bf first, and if he wasn't 100% behind it I would not have brough them into the house. It's our home and life and we both have a say.

[Bijoux]

A huge commitment like that implies sacrifices, there's no doubt about it.

 

Should you give up things you love? It depends on the reasons why. If you are asked to give up your pets just because the dude thinks they're "disgusting" well, perhaps he is not the guy for you.

 

If he asks you to give up on them because he is allergic or other reason out of his control, then is different. You may not want to give up on them either, then it's time to move on and find someone who doesn't put you in that kind of predicaments.

 

Perhaps you think the dude is worth it and then you will put him over your pets. It depends. If you do it, is not necesarily manipulation (although some guys out there can be really manipulative and capricious)

 

I don't think you are supposed to start thinking like the other person, adopt his likes and dislikes, and change who you are and what you love just to try to be more "compatible" or whatever.

 

If your esense doesn't harmonize with his, there's no point. Move over. Next.

[renaissancewoman101]

Hope75, the thing is, they just adopted these two piggies about a month ago and from what she wrote, he seemed ok with them, was playing with them, etc. Then recently, he pulled this on her on Val Day. I guess he really isnt a pet person and he felt like she paid more attention to the pets (dog and guinea pigs) than to him.

 

I was just asking this question because I wanted to know, does this happen a lot with marriages where you are compelled to give up something, deny yourself something, for the good of the other or the marraige?

[rocio]

I was just asking this question because I wanted to know, does this happen a lot with marriages where you are compelled to give up something, deny yourself something, for the good of the other or the marraige?

 

Compromise is an integral part of marriage. You will have to give some things up and deny yourself other things. Finding the right partner means finding someone with whom you won't have to give up your identity in those compromises.

[ghost69]

it's not that you give up things. it's just that you have to adjust and compromise. it's a part of growing up too.

 

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[Dako]

Marriage involves compromise, but if guinea pigs are the dealbreaker, there must be other issues.

 

I'd give up cigars for a woman, but if I had a good dog, I'd keep the dog.

Never had piggies.

[herenow]

I agree with others on this post that maybe the husband is feeling neglected, or like a lesser priority. He might not be wrong, either. There ARE people who dont' realize that they pay more attention to and love their pets (or hobbies, or whatever) MORE than the human beings in their lives who are supposed to be their primary relationships. My husband and I have watched many Wife Swap episodes on TV in which one of the marriage partners is completely out of balance in terms of dedication to a pet in comparison to what they do for their spouse and children. Or sometimes, both husband and wife are so into their animals that the children suffer. Again, replace "pet" with "hobby" or "video games" or "working out" or "church activities" or "friends" or any number of otherwise healthy pasttimes that become harmful when they take over one's life.

 

If the forum lady possibly too involved with her guinea pigs, without realizing it?

 

By the way, my husband and I love our cat dearly. We love animals just as much as anybody.

 

It's all about balance.

[justpaisley]

My brother-in-law doesn't think that animals belong inside, at all. He really is a fantastic man, but he's got a few strange quirks. So, my sister gave up her cat, something she was willing, but not happy, to do.

 

I think it really depends on the person. I would never, ever have given up my cat, and I would never use the "if you love me, you'll..." crap, because it's childish. She could just as easily turn around and give him the "if you love me, you'll let me keep my guinea pigs."

 

But yes, marriage is about compromise. Ideally, you marry someone you don't have to give anything up for, and someone who doesn't have to give anything up for you. Realistically, you have to obviously weed out the people with undesirable qualities, and then find the person in whom the positives outweigh the negatives. If you, for example, found a person who hated guinea pigs, you'd have to figure out if that person's other positive qualities were good enough to make you want to not get any more guinea pigs. However, if that person knew how much you loved guinea pigs right from the start, they might learn to love them.

 

I think there's probably something in that story that the woman's not telling you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Marriage involves compromise, but if guinea pigs are the dealbreaker, there must be other issues.

 

I'd give up cigars for a woman, but if I had a good dog, I'd keep the dog.

Never had piggies.

 

I hate it when someone says what I was gonna say FIRST cos then I just look like a parrot.

 

Marriage is ALL about compromise. If you can't think of your spouse as you would yourself, then there is no point to being in a joint relationship.

 

HOWEVER - they have to be able to do that as well....

 

and if they are able to ask their lover to give up the pets they know are loved so very much, there are others issues there.

 

thanks Daks....pptthhh (j/k)

[renaissancewoman101]

You guys are right, there are probably other issues involved.

 

If I ever get married and have a SO, they would have to learn to like my guinea pigs. I get very attached to those little things.