How Do You Heal After Being Cheat On?

[macgyver4ever]

I will try to make a long story short so I can get some advice.

 

My ex kissed my roomate right before I was going to propose to her. We had been together for over 3 years, and I still wanted to be with her, so I forgave her. I held her at a distance while I tried to regain trust for her, and during this time, she her feelings began to change. She started focusing on my problems, and made herself think that our relationship had been bad. She never fogave herself for kissing my roomate, and tried to make it into my fault. She met a guy from work, and even though she didn't like him at first, she worked vey hard to get feelings for him, by going to the bars with him and her friends 2-3 times a week.

 

Eventually she felt comfortable enough with him to try to end it with me. She couldn't do it, and strung me along for 2 months, until 2 days ago when she finally ended it with me. I think she ended it because she finally messed around with him. I made it apparent that if she ever did this, then it would be over.

 

I know I shouldn't want to be with someone who did this to me, but I still love her, and don't really want to imagine a future without her.

 

What hurts the most right now is the thought of someone else with her, which I know has been the case for too long. She has been seeing him for 5 months now, 3 months of which we were still together. What can I do to ease the pain, and try to move on. I already have a date lined up for the weekend, which should help, but I'm scared. The girl I want to spend the rest of my life with is in the arms of some scum bag. She used to be the sweetest girl on Earth, but changed after she started spending time with the new flame.

 

Please help. I'm so hurt right now.

[chai714]

Macgyver,

 

It sounds like you're still in shock over this whole ordeal with her. It seems like it's difficult to actually comprehend what happened with her. I know that it hurts - especially when the very person you think you'll be with forever does something like this. So how do you get yourself back together?

 

First off, I'd cancel that date. If you can't cancel it, you're going to need to pull off a Hollywood act and appear as if you didn't just get your heart ripped out of your chest. I think you should keep in contact with this new girl and perhaps save her for later. For now though, you should focus on healing up.

 

When someone leaves you, your self-esteem almost immediately takes a dive. You can feel at an all-time low and many people do. This could explain why people try and get dates right after a breakup - because they are hoping to restore the self-esteem they once had. But remember - self-esteem doesn't come from other people. It comes from yourself. It's a result of how you live your life and how you overcome certain obstacles. A breakup is one of them. For now, I recommend staying out of contact with your ex.

 

As far as working on yourself, I think a journal could be helpful. A journal can help you get those constant thoughts out of your head and onto paper (or computer). Next, I recommend working out. You've got all kinds of emotions going on right now. Working out can help you clear your mind and relieve physical tension built up. Also, I recommend either mentoring a child or volunteering your time somewhere. This could help give you perspective of your life versus other peoples.

 

Hang in there. In time, everything will be okay and you'll be back on the right track.

[JoeWho]

Good advice Chai! Agree 100%.

 

You are still in shock over the whole situation, but with time you will heal even though right now it seems impossible. I was is your shoes 6 months ago and never thought I would ever heal, but of course I did and still am.

 

Follow Chai's advice and cancel that date for the weekend, it will make you feel 10x worse and also it isn't fair to that other girl. Its going to take some time to get yourself right again so be patient, but rest assured that you will bounce back better than ever.

[macgyver4ever]

The shockisn't as much that it is over, I think what is hurting is that I have finally taken a step back, looked in the mirror, and am beginning to see the big picture. I can see all the damage she has done for me, and am starting to get to the point where I can no longer accept it. Before I was willing to forgive everything if she came back, and now that she isn't going to, the things she has done are really hurting.

 

I got to the breaking point 3 weeks ago, and told her not to call me (NC) until she ended it with this guy. After that, I started working out 3 days a week. This has been the best thing I do for myself, because I feel better about myself, and can keep my head on straight. I have been keeping a journal since this all started in December, and has helped as well. I need to make it a point to write everyday.

 

I don't think I will break the date though. I need to get out, and lost most of my friends due to this breakup. This girl also does a lot of volunteer work, which would be nice to do. If nothing else, it could be a new friend.

 

I will not talk to my ex. I will not do it. I do hope she comes to her senses, and wants me back, but she is too proud and it will take her awhile to realize what the other guy is really like. I know when times get rough, she will need me, but will I still need her? I don't know if I want to.

[chai714]

It sounds like you're doing all the right things then. I commend you for having taken all of those positive steps. I think for now, the passage of time will do it's job. Also, you might feel down the road (if not now) that this woman isn't good enough for you. By cheating, she has put herself on a lower level.

[pacopaco]

The girl I want to spend the rest of my life with is in the arms of some scum bag. She used to be the sweetest girl on Earth, but changed after she started spending time with the new flame.

 

Please help. I'm so hurt right now.

 

The girl you knew is gone. She was sweet, but sounds pretty sour now. Actually, that guy may be a scumbag, but like attracts like, and the scumbag is her. believe me, I know. I was cheated on too, and in time, you'll see through her "clear as mud." I guess that's the most difficult thing to get past, it's the image that you had of the other person, because it is shattered, broken, and no amount of glue will put together again. I'm sorry for you man, I really am. I know the pain, and I wish you weren't going through it. I was together with my liar cheater for 7 years, go fugure!

I had a thought that you never really know a person until after you've broken up with them. In my case anyway, it's true. I don't want that dishonest, lying, cheating woman back. She's no good, and anyone who gets her next she is as Peter Tosh said a "Brand New Second Hand."

[macgyver4ever]

For the past 6 months, I have been holding onto the vision of the future I was going to have with this girl before the problems started. I know I have do everything in my power to try to fix things, and show her how much I care. I know I went over the line a few times, and smothered her, but I was hurt. I tried NC and it worked. She called back in 6 days begging to spend the rest of her life with me, only to tell me the next day that she was not going to end it with the other guy for over a week because she already had plans with him.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I have taken the higher road. I could call her new boy and tell him everything, but I don't. I could seek revenge, but I don't. I know right now, the best revenge for me is to not talk to her. She expects me to cave in, because she feels I am weak after letting her walk all over me. I DID NOT let her walk all over me, she did it on her own. She would say what I wanted to hear and hurt me again.

 

If she does try to come back, I will do the same thing to her at first. Make her end it with the other guy, and then not go back to her for awhile. Make her be single and think about what she has done.

 

Thank you for telling me I am making the right steps. I appreciate it, and I do feel stronger at times. I do not want to hurt this new girl, but I do have a lot in common with her and want to see her. I will keep it casual. I know not to put on the charm unless I am ready.

[macgyver4ever]

Good advice pacopaco. I guess if I never go back to her, it really doesn't matter what she is doing with him. It still hurts, but I know I have to move on. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can see her faults much more clearly today that yesterday, and soon enough I know that is all I will see. That's what she did to me. Focused on my faults (as few as there are) and made me out to be the villian so she didn't have to feel bad. She repressed her love until she thought it disappeared.

 

I wish I didn't love her anymore.

[pacopaco]

Good advice pacopaco. I guess if I never go back to her, it really doesn't matter what she is doing with him. It still hurts, but I know I have to move on. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can see her faults much more clearly today that yesterday, and soon enough I know that is all I will see. That's what she did to me. Focused on my faults (as few as there are) and made me out to be the villian so she didn't have to feel bad. She repressed her love until she thought it disappeared.

 

I wish I didn't love her anymore.

 

 

given time, you won't love her anymore. I'm telling you, I don't want this woman back, she's bad news, and so is your ex. In time, you may want to thank her for leaving you high and dry, because it's that high and dry that will make you stronger, and more in tune with you.

congratulations on taking the high road. Keep that up. I did the same thing. I never called her names or threw her things out of our apartment. I didn't show up to her work and confront her boss (affair partner.) Stay dignified, and be the gentleman that you are. No need to smother yourself in mud, as she has done. your acts speak loudly, as mine did, and I don't regret one single thing, and that counts for so so much!

[JoeWho]

Paco--- Nice to see that you are doing so well now. You are on the right track.

 

Macgyver-- Nice name selection! Your feelings for your ex will soon change and while you may always love her, you will no longer be in love with her and won't want to be with her.

[pacopaco]

Thanks JoeWho. Everyday is trying, and everyday is making it happene for myself. I'm back in school, and I feel great in class. My mind is off of things, and I'm studying SCIENE! i love it.